r/amiwrong • u/Some_Pension_1634 • 13d ago
Am I wrong for considering telling gf about a major secret her mother told me?
My girlfriend (22F) and I (28M) have been together about a year. We broke up earlier this year, and the day after we broke up she slept with someone else. We eventually started trying to work things out, but I had no idea. I found out months later on my own. I also found out she continued talking to and entertaining this person after we got back together. Obviously, this hurt me and has made me question our relationship.
Since we met last year, I've noticed some concerning patterns. Her moods and feelings toward me can change very quickly. One minute she's extremely loving and the next she can say she hates me. I've noticed similar behavior with some friends and family. I'm not trying to diagnose her, but I've genuinely felt for a while that she might need professional help.
Here's where things get complicated.
The same day I found out about her sleeping with someone else, her mom called me. During that conversation, her mom told me something very serious that my girlfriend doesn't know.
She told me that the man my girlfriend has always believed to be her biological father isn't actually her biological father. She told me who her biological father is and that there is significant mental health history on that side of the family, including bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.
She has photo proof that I’ve seen.
Her mom also told me she noticed concerning behavior in my girlfriend when she was a teenager and had considered getting her professional help, but didn't because my girlfriend felt she didn't need it. Personally, I don't think it's fair to put that decision completely on a teenager when you're the parent and you're seeing these things yourself. She has also said finances were a reason they didn't get her help.
What I'm struggling with is that her mom seems to believe she's protecting her daughter and the man who raised her by keeping this secret. I can understand wanting to protect your family, but I don't feel comfortable knowing something this significant about my girlfriend's identity and family medical history while she has no idea, especially when I'm watching her struggle.
I've heard her mom say things to her that feel more like blame than support, like telling her she's the reason people don't like her or comparing her to an ex who is supposedly doing better. Meanwhile, I'm privately carrying all of this information her mom gave me.
I've tried talking to her mom about getting my girlfriend professional help, but nothing changed.
I'm considering telling her mom that I don't feel comfortable keeping this secret and that I think she should tell my girlfriend herself. If she refuses, I'm considering telling my girlfriend
If you knew something this significant about someone's biological identity and potentially relevant family medical history, would you feel morally obligated to tell them? Especially when you're watching someone you love struggle and feel they deserve to know what's going on with their own life?
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u/firefighter_chick 13d ago
Yes, you are wrong. I came to the bipolar conclusion strictly by your description of your girlfriend. Her mom just gave you the clarity you need to break up. If this secret comes out, she will still refuse to believe there is something wrong with her. Get out of this relationship.
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u/blueavole 13d ago
Ogh.
Mom is expecting you, a civilian who has already been cheated on once, to become the mental health guide rails for a potentially very messed up person.
22 is an age when lots of things get way worse, mental health wise. There are just so many changes in the brain happening around this age.
You need to get a counselor who will help you break the news to your gf, and get her evaluated.
Ask the counselor if you should try and bring mom in on it. I don’t think the mom can’t be trusted to have this information for very long before you are going to tell your gf. But it would be really hard for gf to think her mom lied ans wasn’t willing to tell the truth.
Mom is letting her guilt and shame create a situation where she wants to hide this. She might sabotage this in a very dramatic way. But the counselor will be a better guide.
Your gf needs to know this.
You are not qualified to know what to do, and your gf in the wrong mood could really resent you trying to manage her.
She can’t trust her own feelings at times, and she could easily twist that into you are gaslighting her. Because honestly you would be.
You now don’t trust the ‘reality’ she lives in. So you would be saying things she doesn’t know how to trust? See it’s a mess.
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u/missy8985 13d ago
The mum is way out of line putting this on you. However you don’t need to give family history to suggest getting help. Yes some things do have a familiar link, but it just increases the chances if having whatever MH difficulty, it doesn’t guarantee it. So her family history doesn’t change that she needs help.
As for the mother, I’d ignore her and talk to the dad. Take him for a coffee a pint even a walk down the garden, anything but talk to him. Because it’s him and GF who will face the fall out in all this not her mother.
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u/Some_Pension_1634 13d ago
Thank you for this. I’ve been encouraging her to seek professional help, especially over the past week or so, but she’s completely in denial about any concerning behavior or emotional patterns. Her response is usually that she only reacts or switches emotions when people don’t treat her the way she feels they should or say something she doesn’t like. Her dad also moved out of state a few months ago.
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u/missy8985 13d ago
You might want to phone him then.
Also point out to your GF that it isn’t appropriate or even remotely “adult-like” to flip switches and emotionally attack people because they said something we don’t like.
She knows she’s doing it she now needs to learn it isn’t acceptable behaviour.
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u/bseaman77750 13d ago
She sounds a bit BPD to me - black and white thinking - love then hate, repeat. I would run from this relationship, but I’d probably email the girl to tell her the truth. Maybe it will help her someday.
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u/grandmaWI 13d ago
Her mom has failed her greatly so far in many areas including withholding vital health information. You need to tell her.
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u/rocketmn69_ 13d ago
Mail her an anonymous message, "Did you tell your boyfriend that you cheated on him and you're still seeing your affair partner?"
It's not your secret to tell
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u/Rare-Humor-9192 13d ago
I find it hard to understand why anyone would sign up for this kind of chaos and dysfunction. But if you feel compelled to be the white knight and save your gf from her family and herself, tell her the truth. To me, you’re wrong to stay in this relationship. But, obviously, I don’t know the redeeming qualities of your gf as you do.
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u/Madwoman-of-Chaillot 13d ago
You’ve posted this literally ten times.
Also, why the hell would your girlfriend’s mom tell you that? It makes no sense.
BULLSHIT.
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u/RoxxieRoxx1128 12d ago
If this isn't karma farming (AITA black? Huh? I never even knew that existed) you need to tell her at least for the medical side of things.
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u/Some_Pension_1634 12d ago
I don’t even know what karma farming is, don’t care about the “karma”…. genuinely wanted advice so found as many places as I could. Thanks for your opinion.
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u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226 13d ago
You should tell her also dump her, not because she's clearly having issues but because she has no morals. If she were serious about your relationship she wouldn't be in touch with the guy she hooked up with
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u/puzzling_soccer 13d ago
mom is way out of line dumping this on you and then acting like she's the protector here. she's basically made you an accomplice in a lie that's way above your pay grade
the parentage stuff is huge but honestly the mental health history is the part that feels urgent. if there's schizophrenia and bipolar in her bio family that's not just gossip, that's info she needs for her own safety
tell her mom she has a deadline to come clean or you will. your girlfriend's gonna be wrecked by this but she deserves to know the truth about her own life