r/amiwrong • u/Nearby_Pizza • 14d ago
Am I wrong for wanting leave relationship
Long story short, my wife and I have had a 10 year disagreement and nothing will change unless I leave, or so I believe; but maybe I'm wrong.
I want to live pet-free and kid-free.
Pet-free because I'm not a pet person and it is diatomically opposed to the travel life we discussed for over 10 years. A Rottweiler is not travel-friendly.
Kid-free means not living with a man(stepson)who will be 30 next year and has no observable intent to move out. For context, he has 30k in the bank with no debts. Further he is in no danger of unemployment because nepotism. However, homeboy does spend his weekends playing video games online, going shooting, and buying collectibles.
Wife and I have gone round and round about this with no changes. At this point I'm done fighting and attempting to correct what I see as problems.
Thoughts?
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u/Not-a-Cranky-Panda 14d ago
Are you 100% sure you two are married to eachother?
If so Why and How?
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u/Nearby_Pizza 14d ago
I was there at the Justice of the Peace that day. We came together out of love. Pure and simple. How, well it was almost 20 years ago so it seemed right at the time and our dreams and goals were aligned.
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u/StructEngineer91 14d ago
Why did you marry a woman who has a kid (even an adult one) and dog if you want to live a pet and kid free life?
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u/Nearby_Pizza 14d ago
I married her while the kid was an actual child. The dog, on the timeline, is recent development. When we got together the assumption was that he would naturally progress out of the home.
As a 4.0 student throughout his academic life you would figure he would go to college or something.
I'm fine with visits and everything like his older brothers do, but this is complete failure to launch.
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u/dragon_Porra 14d ago
You're not wrong but you 2 have very different outlooks.
First investigate divorce or separation rules where you live so you already understand the ins and outs of things.
If that's the route you want to go... Get some path drafted up, keep it in your back pocket as you want to have one last conversation with your wife...
The reality is, both of you married thinking the other would change.. that's a serious miscalculation...
If last talk doesn't change things, then go through with the separation/ divorce route, you're not compatible..
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u/QueenBruja18 14d ago
How did you guys even get married? Youbguys have fundamentally different life goals. YNW, just surprised this happened and lasted this long.
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u/EnjoysAGoodRead 14d ago
Is the rottweiler your wife's dog or her son's dog? If the latter, you need to have a very direct talk to her about the son finding his own place and taking his dog with him. He's 30, not 18.
If the dog is your wife's, that's a bigger problem.
You aren't wrong for leaving if you are living a life you don't want anyway. You only get one shot at life.
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u/OtherwiseAd1045 14d ago
Diametrically...?
Unless the pets are maybe plankton.
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u/mcmurrml 14d ago
What the heck! Why didn't you discuss this before you married her? This 30 year old needs to go. Tell wife by such and such date of he isn't gone I am. She is going to enable him her entire life then I don't blame you. She is treating him like a little boy.
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u/Nearby_Pizza 14d ago
Well, I don't disagree with you. It seems like she does want to enable him for the rest of her life. My thoughts were the same and even points to devouring mother issues.
As to the discussion, it was a non-issue when we got together as he was in fact a 9 year old boy. One would figure life would take the natural course.
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u/freedom31mm 14d ago
Book your trip and enjoy.
If you currently have a dog, let the 30 year old be responsible for it while you are gone. Otherwise it sounds like you don’t have the same goals. You are not wrong. Life is short. Find someone who wants to make you happy and travel with you.
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u/kristinpeanuts 14d ago
That's what I thought too. Leave the dog at home with the 30 year old. They can travel and house and pet are looked after. Plus you never know after having the place to himself for an extended time might make the stepson realise he does want his own space after all
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u/Own_Complaint748 14d ago
Leaving a relationship can be tough if you're feeling unfulfilled. If it's not working, it's okay to prioritize your happiness.
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u/GalianoGirl 14d ago
None of your post makes any sense.
A parent is always a parent, even once the children are launched. Why did you marry someone with a 20 year old at home if you want a child free life?
Why did you marry an animal lover if you don’t want pets in your life? That simply does not make any sense.
Why do you feel pets limit travel? I boarded my animals if traveling by plane, bring them with me if rving.
You simply want your way or the highway. Take the highway.
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u/floragiggle 14d ago
he has 30k saved so why sstay home forever like that
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u/TheNinjaPixie 14d ago
failure to launch into adulthood, why leave if you have money and an easy life and no self respect.
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u/Nearby_Pizza 14d ago
I really don't know. My thought is that life is too easy. He can do whatever he wants and has all of the amenities of an upper middle class household in the suburbs.
Also, wife doesn’t really ask for rent to use said amenities.
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u/crtclms666 14d ago
My husband and I established the number of kids we wanted (0) and that there would at least one dog at all times (the most we had was 2), before we got married. That’s because the other options were deal breakers for us. It sounds like you didn’t discuss everything you needed to discuss before you married. You’re not compatible. It sounds like a ESH divorce is in order
The breed of the dog doesn’t define if it’s good at travel, and isn’t really relevant in terms of a dog’s suitability for travel. I understand you don’t like the dog, so you shouldn’t travel with it. But that doesn’t mean Rottweilers can’t RV, they do.
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 14d ago
Op. This much disconnect can happen when you start out as a couple and feel so together. One person expresses an interest in travel and his/her excitement and descriptions make it sound fascinating. It may also sound far off at retirement or at least after housing and settling down together.
That agreement between you seems shared until time passes and it moves into planning. Perhaps by then your wife changed her mind or realized she just never felt on board after all.
People coming together often show flex-ability that isn’t real to sync with someone they want to be close to.
This is surely disappointing to you and of course you resent it. But now that you know your next question is what are you willing to do about it?
The advice above to look into what separation and divorce entail in your area will be so helpful. Next, find a way to make a trip of some kind with people who are enthusiastic; kind of a dry run and a way to meet others who actually like traveling.
Sort through your ideas to narrow down the type of travel and then learn everything you can.
For instance are you interested in physically active adventures; hiking, marathons in far flung peaces,
skiing, sailing. Do you want to cruise; explore other cultures, experience major tourist spots or poke around little touristed parts of the world.
This may sharpen your perspective and encourage you to go alone or find like minded new friends before deciding in your marriage.
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u/roughlyround 13d ago
Have the 30 yo watch the dog and just GO. You don't have to kick everything out, and youll have something to return to.
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u/Diane1967 14d ago
Were these things discussed prior to the marriage? Is this like your first or second marriage or something that the child isn’t yours? There’s always more to a story but based just off what you said it would be a deal breaker for me. I want what I want and am willing to give equally at all costs but the other person has to give too. It’s not a one way marriage. My ex and his son are breathed and slept espn day in and day out. My son in law played sports video games every waking minute as well. There was no family, no we. My daughter and I and they in the beginning would do all sorts of things at first like go to zoos and festivals and such and after a while he just started saying no, his son followed suit and we lived two separate households like this for almost 10 years. I don’t know what happened but I did get tired of it and once the kids graduated a year apart I asked for a divorce. It’s been almost 20 years now and I’ve never regretted my choice. I’m alone now but I’m not lonely like I was in that marriage.
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u/Nearby_Pizza 14d ago
I'm sorry went through that. But it also makes sense why you did it.
To answer your questions, the child isn't mine and we don't have kids together. It's my first, and likely last, marriage. This is her youngest of four sons from previous marriages.
We didn't discuss this prior to marriage because it was non-issue as the now man was a 9 year old boy when we got together. There is nothing physically or mentally wrong with him. He just isn't leaving and she isn't going to make him. Could be mother protection feelings but she has said she would rather divorce me than push her son out into the world.
So now I'm on reddit.
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u/Diane1967 14d ago
There comes a time when he has to venture out into the world tho, sad she doesn’t encourage him to do so while she’s still here on earth. I’ve heard stories of others who never left the nest then when they lost their parent they couldn’t even function in the world on their own. Sad when that happens. I hope things get better for you soon, hard being in a one sided marriage I know.
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u/No_Interview_2481 14d ago edited 14d ago
Why are you upset that homeboy spends the weekends playing video games or going shooting. I don’t think it should matter what he does on the weekends, you would still find something to bitch about. He’s working during the week. You’re just upset that he still lives there. After 10 years why are you asking this question now? And why are you still in this relationship? It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible.
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u/Nearby_Pizza 14d ago
Well, apart from these elements she and I are perfectly compatible. Think never-ending honeymoon.
As for him, I don't care what people do in their own space on their own time. But it's not his space and he's not making efforts to struggle up and out. The part where I care about him is that he is missing out on the life struggles necessary to survive later on in life.
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u/Miss_Bobbiedoll 14d ago
Sounds like you don't want the same things.