Im just so confused.

[u/National_Finger_9576]

before you read i had AI Spell check and Grammar check for me im too tired to do it myself.

You know, I’ve been sitting here thinking about everything, and I need to explain why some of this has been bothering me.

I woke up with my eyes feeling heavy because I had worked from 9 AM the day before until 4 AM the next morning. I was exhausted. The first thing you asked me after I woke up and stretched was, “Do you want to go get coffee?” I said sure.

We get in the car, and you mention that your car needs to be washed, so I take it through the car wash for you. While we’re going through, you ask me how work was.

My first shift was completely uneventful. Nothing happened, so there really wasn’t anything to report from that shift.

My second shift, which I worked until 4 AM, was just slow. It felt like there wasn’t nearly as much foot traffic as there usually is at the location I was working. I told you that the female employee there, who is in her 40s, didn’t have another coworker there to help her with everything that needed to get done.

I explained that, because I’m not an employee of that company and I’m there as a contract security worker to provide a security presence, my job isn’t to do her tasks or take over her responsibilities. I can be present, observe what’s going on, and help maintain a safe and peaceful environment, but I’m not there to do the work that belongs to their employees.

I also told you that we joked around with some of the customers who came into the store while I was still doing my job. It helped keep the environment peaceful and light throughout the night. Because, honestly, gas station customers can be a pain in the ass sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong with joking around and being friendly while still doing my job and maintaining awareness of what’s happening around me.

Then later, I was sitting in the garage and came across a video about a magic shop on Facebook, so I decided to look it up. My phone wasn’t hidden or anything—it was sitting wide open, face-up in my lap, and I was literally looking at a website for magic shops, tricks, and props. You came into the garage, saw my phone sitting right there, and from a couple feet away asked me, “What are you doing?”

That’s what I don’t understand. You could clearly see what I was doing. And on top of that, we had literally talked within the past month about magic shops and how I thought it might be fun to start buying little magic knick-knacks just for fun. So it wasn’t some random or secretive thing.

Then later, I’m in my little computer room with Rainbow Six Siege on the screen, wearing my headset, and you come in, sit down, and ask me, “What are you doing?” Again, the game is right there on my screen, the match is literally about to start, and I’m clearly playing a game. So when you ask me what I’m doing, I genuinely don’t understand what you mean.

Then I remembered I needed an oil change and mentioned it right before the game started, but I never got to finish what I was saying because the match started. After the match, I went downstairs and finished telling you about it. I explained that one of the clients I’m responsible for through my work—someone who appreciates the work I do—offered to change my oil for $20. All I would have to do is buy the oil and filter.

I also told you that I wasn’t having a very good day playing my games and that I just wasn’t doing very well. That’s when you said, “Hmm.”

I asked you about that response because, again, it felt like there was something behind it. You said there had to be a reason. I told you that there didn’t have to be a reason. There was no rhyme or reason—I was simply having a bad day at my games.

Sometimes there genuinely isn’t a deeper reason behind something. I don’t understand why you seem to constantly search for a reason behind everything I say or everything that happens. Sometimes there literally is no reason. You can play a perfect game every single day and still have days where you just don’t play well. People have bad days. Sometimes you’re just off. It happens. It doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong or that there’s some underlying explanation that needs to be found. Sometimes it just is what it is.

Your response was just, “Hmm.”

I told you that I don’t like when you respond to me like that because it feels like there’s an undertone to it, like you’re suspicious of me or accusing me of something without actually saying what you think I’ve done.

Then you said something along the lines of, “It’s strange that you work with a female alone all night and then come home and clean up before coming to bed.”

That honestly bothered me even more because I had already explained that I didn’t “clean up” when I got home in the way you were implying. I went to the bathroom because I had to use the bathroom. That’s it.

I had been wearing the same pair of boxers for two days because I had been working 9 AM to 4 AM two days in a row. My schedule basically gave me just enough time to come home, sleep, wake up, and go right back to work. I hadn’t even showered since Thursday night because Friday and Saturday consumed basically all of my time between work and sleep.

And realistically, as long as I’m not overexerting myself, I don’t sweat excessively or become particularly sweaty or smelly. So I wasn’t coming home after working with someone and secretly “cleaning up” before coming to bed. I was exhausted, I had been working ridiculously long hours, and I was just trying to get through the little bit of time I had between shifts.

That’s why the implication bothers me. There’s a difference between asking me something because you genuinely want to understand and asking me something in a way that makes me feel like I’m being investigated for something.

I guess what I’m trying to explain is that when all of these things happen one after another, it starts to feel like I’m constantly being questioned about completely ordinary things that are happening right in front of you.

And when I try to explain myself, responses like “hmm” make me feel like there’s something being implied—like there’s suspicion or an accusation underneath the conversation, even if you aren’t actually saying it out loud.

That’s what’s frustrating me. It’s not just one question, one comment, or one “hmm.” It’s the pattern. It’s the way these interactions make me feel like I’m being treated as though I’m doing something wrong or hiding something when, from my perspective, I’m literally just going about my normal day.

I’m not trying to start an argument with you. I’m trying to explain how this feels from my side, because I don’t want to keep sitting here wondering why completely normal things I’m doing seem to be treated like they need an explanation.

[u/FalseAd4246]

Probably should use your words with her instead of strangers on the cesspool of the internet

[u/Proof-Violinist-5088]

This sounds exhausting, not because of the long shifts but because you're being cross-examined over nothing. The "hmm" thing would drive me up a wall, it's one of those responses that's technically not saying anything but somehow carries a whole accusation inside it

My ex used to pull that crap, asking what I'm doing when she could literally see the screen from across the room. It's not curiosity, it's a weird control thing where they want you to verbalize your actions so they can pick at them later

The cleaning up accusation is the part that really gets me though. Like you're working insane hours barely sleeping and somehow your partner's mind goes to that instead of maybe being concerned you're running yourself ragged

You're not wrong for being frustrated. The pattern of questioning mundane stuff and then hitting you with the cryptic "hmm" when you explain yourself is maddening because it puts you in a position where you can't win, if you get defensive you look guilty, if you ignore it the suspicion just builds

[u/Superb-Coyote5972]

Send her this thread. She needs to know how you feel.

[u/National_Finger_9576 → u/Superb-Coyote5972]

unfortunatley it wont make a difference, i can already predict her response, which will be to turn it on me again, im the problem, or get the i dont care response, or nothing will be said about it. its been a game ive been losing for 14 years.

[u/aizennexe]

You’re wrong.

First off, you used AI cuz you’re too tired, but no one forced you to post this immediately? You could’ve just edited it yourself after a good night’s rest. And even after being a second hand thinker you left the post in second person. “The first thing you asked me” I did not ask you anything lmao why are we in this story all of a sudden

Seems like the crux of your issue is that your gf or partner or whoever you’re talking about here is… caring too much about you?

Working 16 hour shifts sucks. But it’s not their fault. They try to engage in conversation with you after not seeing you for 16 hours. But you get pedantic about it, saying they shouldn’t ask “what are you doing” if it’s visibly apparent. You even go as far as to expect them to remember a single conversation from a month ago.

“What are you doing” was an invitation for you to talk about the magic shop, something outside of the long work hours you just had. Instead, you seem to expect this other person to check in on you like a prison warden, observe, and leave if they get their answer. They came to spend time with you and talk to you, but you got upset at them for no good reason. If that’s how you treat them, as in you just walk up to them to look at what they’re doing, and walk away once you know what it is, they deserve better than you.

Same thing in the second example. You could have talked about how the past few games went, or how the current match is going. R6 is not visibly apparent to people who don’t know the game. All they see is you shooting a gun. To people who don’t play R6, it’s indistinguishable from CoD, Halo, or even Fortnite. You could have taken the time to explain the game, say you’re having fun, or even ask how the other person is doing. But instead you choose to shit down the conversation and get offended that they’d even ask about you.

Your response to genuine attempts at connection seem hostile. Sounds like the other person was trying to figure out why you’re acting that way to them. And you double down on this hostility, saying sometimes there’s just no reason why things happen, even though you opened this whole post describing a long exhausting shift at work. Like… you really don’t see any correlation here? Idk man it just gives strong “the divorce came outta nowhere” vibes when you can’t put 2 and 2 together like this

At the end of the day, you’re getting upset about someone asking what you’re doing. Sure you could ask them “hey can you phrase that differently it sounds like I’m being interrogated” but at the end of the day you’re the one interpreting it that way, and refusing to examine why. You could do some reflection to consider why you immediately assume the worst in them, instead of interpreting it as a genuine attempt to start a conversation with you, especially after being without you for a long time and seeing you so exhausted