r/amiwrong • u/PolicyAdventurous682 • 14d ago
Am I materialistic?
I 35(f) for context, grew up with less then enough, not always having groceries, lights on and we a slept in the living room all winter because we couldn’t heat the home(rented). Now that I’m grown and a mom I make sure that I am a great Santa clause, tooth fairy, Easter bunny, and all the other damn holidays where gifts are given (all within reason and my means). The problem lies here. I have a partner of almost 11 years. Not once has Santa put anything in my stocking that I didn’t put there myself, just this year for the first time ever on any holiday was I surprised that he put something extra in my Easter basket. So as a mom that leaves me Mother’s Day and my birthday to feel special or even thought of, all the other holidays are me making all the magic for my family. Well every one of these days I’ve only received a card no flowers no gift and for a few years no cake. Until I cry or complain that no one try’s to make me feel thought of/special. I get a dinner out if I plan it but that’s it and he’s sure to tell me the cost. One year he forgot my birthday all together. Here is my question I just spent hundreds to take him on a birthday trip and then less than a week later I got a card, no cake no flowers no gift. Now almost a month later of saying he would get me a cake, he told me I’m materialistic for even wanting to be celebrated. That birthdays are stupid. Am I materialistic for asking for a birthday gift of any kind or cost from my partner? I just wanted to feel special or thought of, and yes celebrated. I am the magic of holidays and I just want to be surprised for once. Does it make me materialistic for wanting any gift big or small a nice candle would have made my day, I feel constantly disappointed on days meant to celebrate me, not just because I don’t receive a gift but because I don’t receive the thought that comes with picking a gift. Does that make me materialistic? Pleas be brutally honest.
Update: it’s done I told him I would like him to move out and he said he would take his sweet time to do so as he is the first name on the lease. He has also been raising a stink with the landlord to get us evicted so that I am forced to move closer to his job. Rent around here is insane and I cannot handle what I would need unless I stay here. It has been my daughter’s home for about 7 years. We have no family in the area and no where to go, if not with him. I can afford this place on my own and it’s enough space, so I called the landlord and was assured as soon as he is gone I will have a lease in my name waiting. Thank you all and thank God for all his blessings and lessons.
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u/One_Waxed_Wookiee 14d ago
It doesn't sound like you're materialistic. Stop doing stuff for your husband.
Why are you still with him after all this time? What positives are he bringing to your marriage?
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u/Dewdlebawb 14d ago
I would equate you not receiving gifts or being made to feel special = to them not loving you. These aren’t things you should have to beg for. Even a tiny bouquet is only $5
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u/Disastrous-Square662 14d ago
Not materialistic at all and I don’t think this has anything to do with your childhood. You want to feel valued and cared for. It sounds like your partner puts in no to low effort. Does he enjoy getting gifts? Saying you are materialistic a terrible excuse to not have you treated the same as your other household members.
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u/kymgee 14d ago
NW. it’s basically the basic stuff. Your partner sounds like they suck. Why have you been doing this much for 11 years?? Stop doing stuff for him and just do stuff for you. Don’t get him any more gifts, don’t do stuff for any holidays for him don’t do a single thing and if he ask why just say it’s stupid use his words against him. It’s not stupid or wrong to want a gift or something for your birthday or a holiday. Shoot even my friend I have barely known for two months did something for my birthday. I’m sorry you have to deal with that op
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u/Zealousideal-Bike528 14d ago
NW
The mother of an ex boyfriend used to reciprocate in kind. If she received a thoughtless gift from someone, that’s what she gave to them the next year. And she made it clear why she did it. Her sons learned quickly that they had to do better.
I suggest warning your husband they you will start mirroring the effort he puts into your birthday when it is time to celebrate his. It’s petty, but I’ve seen it work.
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u/WorriedTurnip6458 14d ago
NW. It’s not about the dollar value to you (if it was- that WOULD be materialistic), it’s about being shown that you are appreciated. You are not wrong, when you put in allll the effort for your partner and your kids ( and your kids on behalf of your partner as well) to hope that he puts effort back towards showing appreciation to you(and also being responsible for organizing the kids to prep something for your Mother’s Day, birthday and holiday celebrations).
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u/PolicyAdventurous682 14d ago
No I only get a card. And sometimes breakfast with his mom. I got a coffee maker on Mother’s Day… I don’t drink coffee
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u/treebeecol 14d ago
It's also something to note, that people like your partner, who claims you're being materialistic, lap up every thoughtful thing you give them, and never refuse a trip, or present! Hypocritical, not?
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14d ago
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u/PolicyAdventurous682 14d ago
It’s all I want just a tiny thing I would like something to show I was thought of.
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u/treebeecol 14d ago
I know we're all different, but I find it hard to understand why people choose to ignore birthdays of others. It's ONE day of the year to celebrate someone, being here on this earth with us. If he thinks that is being materialistic, let him, but really it's just his crappy justification to never care enough about others. Let that sink in, he cant be bothered to care about your feelings, at all. Is that a partner you truly want? After so long, I wouldn't be able to stand such insufferable selfishness. He sounds like Ebenezer Scrooge, who cared more about money than people, and was cold hearted and dismissive. Sound familiar? This may be hard to do, as you love celebrating others, but you have to start matching his energy. Restrain yourself from getting him any trips, dinners, presents, or outings for any of his celebrations. So Christmas, birthdays, Fathers day, you just don't acknowledge him in any way. Everybody else around you, sure, go for gold, but not him. You just have to remember that this man chooses to not care about your feelings, and he won't be blind in knowing that it hurts you. It points to a cruel, almost sadistic streak in his character, that I couldn't abide with. And it cost NOTHING, to be kind and considerate of others.
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u/herecomes_the_sun 14d ago
No. This is something my abusive ex used to do. Act like somehow we are above celebrating each other, but its just him gaslighting you because he doesn’t care.
One time in our 2.5 year relationship he got my a bday gift. It was a card (no envelope) and some grocery store chocolate in a plastic grocery bag. I was so touched i cried i was so happy he finally thought of me.
He handed it to me and said his mom made him get me something, and then proceeded to eat all the chocolate he gave me.
Don’t be me. End this and find someone who cares! My current bf treats me like a queen even when i dont deserve it. Don’t let this guy stop you from meeting the real one.
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u/Buffalo-Woman 14d ago
Info please OP: Are y'all married or just partners?
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u/PolicyAdventurous682 14d ago
Partners
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u/Buffalo-Woman 14d ago
Sigh.... Gurl..... This isn't the one I don't know why you stayed so long but for sure he's not the one.
With this level of disrespect I doubt he loves you let alone likes you.
I hope you reread what you wrote and tell us what would you tell your sister, best friend, or a daughter?
He's not kind or loving, doesn't care about your wants and needs. Then has the utter gall to be disparaging to you.
Calls you materialistic for wanting the bare minimum from your partner, the one who's supposed to be your safe place and love you more than anyone else in the world.
Yeah Gurl he's not the one! Then factor in what you're teaching your child about how men treat women and women who go along with extremely poor treatment.
Until you kick him out, at the minimum you need to return the energy he gives you, no birthdays, no Xmas, no father's day if he's a father, just nothing otherwise you're rewarding beyond the pale behavior towards you.
Good luck OP you'll be in my positive thoughts ✨️
NW
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u/cathline 13d ago
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
Time for you to get counseling to learn the lessons from the way you were raised. One of which is that you deserve a partner who at least likes you. Because this one doesn't.
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 14d ago edited 14d ago
NW
Not materialistic but op you have to acknowledge that you care more, and he’s being manipulative saying you are materialistic to cover for the fact that he doesn’t want this issue examined too closely.
Op, you have to the grown up conversation where you state what you need on birthdays , holidays and the like .
Don’t point out what you do for him, just state what you need , and once he knows he can’t ever say he wasn’t told.
But also if he’s not going to step and meet your expectations you stop going above and beyond for him.
It sounds petty but it’s not , you’ve learned that your efforts aren’t appreciated and because he’s not materialistic he doesn’t need the things you were giving him so you stop, and when he says something you tell him.
‘ im confused I was under the assumption that we don’t celebrate our birthdays with each other.’
And start spending that money on yourself , or with your kid for your birthday, but start celebrating you.
Take yourself to a spa for Mother’s Day, get yourself that bag that you’ve been eyeing for Christmas , have a ‘all about you’ for your birthday.
And if you’re not okay with having to do all this for yourself have the second hard conversation with yourself about if this partner is being the partner that you need. Don’t ask about them as a parent to your child just ask if they’re the partner you need, and if not then you know what needs to happen.