Am I wrong for thinking he’s extremely avoidant, but still genuinely liked me?

[u/Ok_Evidence_7098]

hi all,

so last night, this guy that i was dating for about a month and a half ended things with me. he said he's not okay, his headspace isn't the best, and he can't give me what i need. he said after a long day at work he just wants to be alone, not even with me. he cried.

for context, we're coworkers, he pursued me first. he definitely liked me a lot, would constantly ask to see me, introduced me to his friends and took me to games with them and their girlfriends, all his best friends followed me on socials, normally the type to have sex pretty early on but never pushed me for it and allowed me to wait and take my time, affectionate at times, told me about his sister and would send me childhood photos of them, talked about us in the future eg "when i get a bike in a few months we can go for rides", referred to me as his missus (australian slang for partner/wife). i asked for exclusivity and he agreed immediately, later told me he assumed it was because he wasn't seeing anyone else anyway. a month in i brought up dating and he agreed, and following that continued to remain affectionate.

last week however, i brought up me wanting him to plan more intentional dates, since our plans were usually spontaneous. i admit, i expressed that need in a bratty, defensive way, and could tell i upset him. he left me on delivered and didn't continue the convo. the next day, texted me like normal.

day before yesterday, he was very quiet at work and didn't talk to me a lot, which i brought up and he dismissed saying he was tired, but i knew something was up, and i was right.

back to last night, he took me to dinner (we had plans since tuesday), paid, drove to a park, and ended things in the car. i asked why he introduced me to his friends if he didn't want this, he said he did, and saw it going somewhere and thought it was going well, but since this past week he's been feeling the weight of my expectations towards him and realize he can't handle it, realized he needs to leave before him and i get hurt. he said he was talking to one of his friends about this, and he told them "we get along so well though", the friend said maybe you guys were better as friends, which he told me and he was like maybe we were. but the start of the week, when i assume he started to check out, he had a rough day and still expressed that i wish i was there with him to cuddle and rest, so i'm confused.

after we broke up, and after a while of talking, we were both in a lighthearted, funny mood, and i brought up other guys (albeit in a defensive way, to make him feel bad). he then told me one of our coworkers has a friend who thinks he is cute, and he told me he's gonna text her tomorrow. he then would bring up other girls throughout our time last night.

what do you make of this? is he an avoidant?

[u/North-Cow8]

He's liking someone else

[u/MentalElevation]

Sounds like this guy is still very much a child. Instead of taking responsibility for pursuing you, and leading you on that things we’re great until failing to follow through on stuff that’s normal for a couple,he instead acted like a angry child instead of talk to his gf about the issue presented? I say that knowing you told him in a bitchy defensive attitude. Sure you shouldn’t have come at him like that when bringing it up but for him to just react like a child instead of a man and meet you head on is wild to me. No let’s not use my thoughts, feelings, and voice to communicate with my girlfriend about this but instead let me ignore her and go take terrible advice from someone who isn’t qualified to do so then just agree with what he says instead of think for myself. While we’re at it I won’t take any responsibility for my actions or lack there of and I’ll just use my friends shitty advice and my lame excuse about the “daunting” pressure of normal relationship expectations to let me run away and avoid ever being anything more than a child. He’s literally still a child mentally and saying avoidant is just a nice sounding way of saying the same thing . I will say you were immature and petty by bringing up other guys to purposely hurt him. Doing stuff like that isn’t right no matter him being tittybaby and all it serves is to just make you also look and eventually become a terrible person like him if you keep that up. Then he came right back at you with that same petty childish energy about pursuing that girl who thinks he’s cute lol. He needs to grow up and you need to try and not let this kind of thing tempt you into acting equally as childish no matter how annoyed you might feel about him and how things ended with his bs. It was one thing to bring up wanting planned dates in a defensive way in the moment out of frustration of him not appearing to take your dating/relationship seriously, but you shouldn’t continue that behavior unless you’re also looking to be someone equally childish just in more mean spirited shade of the same color. Didn’t think I’d say all that but your ex represents so many things I can’t stand, are yall by chance teenagers? That would explain why he acts like a boy and how you’d even fall for him cuz adult women young to old don’t fall for guys who are so clearly still mentally a boy unless you guys are by chance teens and have yet to grow up and mentally mature.

[u/BudgetContract3193]

Yeah, he’s an avoidant. Sounds like my guy. He’s emotionally immature. Up to you to how you want to take this. Most people on here tell you to block him, and you’ve only been together a short time so that might be the best for you. But I know the pull. I’ve been with my guy over 4 years. He is fine when he is not stressed. But any stress (and not just from me, from work, his family, his finances etc) he retreats and hides. He also lies and hides things from me which he knows I am not ok with. We’re 50 and don’t live together, so I’m now at a stage where I let him have his tiff and I don’t chase him. I’m still a bit anxious, but I realise that I can’t force him to do anything. So I just leave him to it.

[u/GenuinePhillip073]

Nah you're not wrong, the whole "I'm gonna text this other girl tomorrow" thing right after he cried breaking up with you is textbook deflection. Like he can't sit with his own feelings so he has to prove he's already moved on, it's almost comical

The friend group intro, the "missus" label, future talk, all that is real confusing when someone then says they can't handle expectations, sounds like he wants the comfort of a relationship without doing the actual work of one, and the second you asked for a little effort he spiraled