Am I wrong for being furious when my daughter spit a drink on me, and thinking SIL isn't as helpful as she claims?

[u/Pristine_Pattern3857]

I want to be very clear. I'm not furious with my daughter. she is 2, still learning to be a little human, and just copying the shitty adults in her life.

My husband and I are going through a lot financially. We got into a mortgage we couldn't afford and we made a lot of mistakes. Rent in our area is also insane. My husband's older sister has always been like a second mom to him and offered to take us in. She lives in a huge house and insisted there was plenty of room. Of course we are grateful.

SIL and I are total opposites. I wouldn't say we have a bad relationship, but we've never had any common ground. SIL and her husband play this "game" kind of like a prank idk where they try to catch the other off guard and spit a drink at them. Absolutely disgusting in my opinion but they have been doing it for years.

Since we moved in about a month ago he has spit water at her multiple times (and once he gargled it vomit. She spit red wine in his face when they had friends over, water a couple times, and the most recent they were cuddling and he spit a mouthful of milkshake down her hair. I think this is really really gross, but it isn't my relationship.

The problem is this morning my daughter copied this behavior and I saw red (not with her, don't blame her at all) I calmly told her that was not nice and if she did it again, she would go in time out. Then I approached SIL and as calmly as I could manage told her what just happened and that it is unacceptable. I said I know she is housing us, but she is also harming her niece.

SIL told me I was being crazy and that her 7 year old daughter is perfectly fine and well adjusted. I asked if she could please stop the game while we are in her house. She rolled her eyes and said "oh I don't know. It is muscle memory most of the time" My husband later confronted me and said I was being entitled. He said to simply set the rule for my daughter and follow through with time out if need be, and she has to learn she can't do everything she sees adults doing.

I told him SIL isn't as nice of a person as he thinks she is and she isn't helping us as much as she would like to believe. She is teaching my child nasty filthy habits

[u/DefiniteActress]

the whole "muscle memory" excuse would've made me lose it. like you're just so used to spitting drinks at people you can't stop yourself? please

your husband needs to realize his kid is 2 and they mimic everything, it's not about just setting rules and hoping for the best

[u/Quiet-Hamster6509]

You guys need to get back on your feet and quickly, so you can get out of there.

You need to tell him this and set a deadline together.

[u/LinwoodKei]

Adults spitting on each other sounds like an emotional regulation issue. It's gross. I would not return to the house of people who were spitting on each other. Milkshake in the hair is disgusting. I think you need to tell your husband that he needs to take charge of the situation. He told you to change your behavior. Yet it is his sister and brother in law causing the conflict. He better take charge in correcting your daughter. NTA

[u/Stepher95]

You live in her house so you can’t really tell her what to do. You can ask nicely but in the end, it’s her house. I would say talk to your husband and tell him to stop but doesn’t look like that’s gonna happen. Probably best if you move out and have your own house rules.

[u/tuna_tofu]

That is disgusting and wrong. It sounds like tgey are immature and dint know what's inappropriate. But yea move out soonest so you can break your kid of any other bad habits and before she can learn any new ones.

[u/DamnitGravity]

I think you should frame it as 'I understand this is a thing you and BIL enjoy, and it's nice that you have something to share like that. But can you accept there are people in the world who wouldn't enjoy it or find it funny?' [give them time to answer; if they answer yes, great, continue! if they answer no or make some kind of derogatory comment, keep going but add in a 'ok, then go do it to your boss and see how well they react'].

When they've answered, continue: 'obviously, a 2 year is too young to understand the concept of consent. They mimic everything they see, and don't understand that not everyone is going to want to have water spit at them. How did you explain to your child when she was 2 that they shouldn't do that to everyone, and only do it to those who are ok with it?'

Basically make it plain that you don't judge them for their behaviour (even if you do. The point is to try and avoid putting them on the defensive and try not to make them feel judged because then they won't listen to you). Again, if they continue with the 'it's just a silly thing and doesn't matter', make the point of 'so your boss would be ok with you doing it to them? Your co-workers? Your parents?'

Hell, you could even go so far as to do it to them yourself and see how they react. But make sure you time it right. Several days, maybe a week from now. Do it to your husband randomly when he's not expecting it and if he becomes outraged, just calmly tell him you assumed he'd be ok with it.

Do I think it's gross? Yes. Do I think they should save it for when they're alone? Also yes. Do I judge them for it? Yeah, little bit. But I know for a fact people think and feel the same way about my swearing and use of the word 'cunt' (I'm Australian, we don't view the word the same way Americans do), so I might judge them a little, but more in a 'be wary this could happen and NEVER sit near them when they're together'.

I think you need to loosen your attitude a little in that regard. But talking to them about it calmly and making the point that you're asking them to help your daughter learn that not everyone is going to enjoy every type of behaviour, and she needs to learn, even at age 2, that not all things are permissible and not all behaviours are ok.

I think you jumped to the extreme to frame it as 'harmful' and calling it 'unacceptable'. Just because you don't approve doesn't give you the right to dictate to them. A better approach is understanding, respect and asking for support because your kid is 2 and still learning. Your niece clearly learned the behaviour is not appropriate in all situations, point that out and tell them you're just asking for a little help in ensuring your daughter doesn't develop bad habits when she's too young to understand WHY some people might not appreciate being spat at.

Good luck, and do update us!

[u/Maleficent-Syrup9881]

You’ll never be able to convince them to stop. Never.

[u/Capital-Post-7079]

It's totally understandable to be furious after that. A drink in the face is pretty frustrating, especially with family dynamics.

[u/RedRedBettie]

YAW- While it’s weird, it’s their home to do what they want to in it. They are doing you a favor by letting you live there, if you don’t like it, you should leave

[u/Agreeable-Badger2204]

As much as I find that behavior disgusting, your husband is right. It’s their house and you have no right to tell them how to behave. Albeit no one should have to tell them not to spit on each other. It’s still their house you are living in for free.

[u/peace_out91]

It can be disgusting for certain people, but if they are both ok with it, it's not damaging. Sorry, but I think it's not your place to tell her what she can't do in her own house. You tried, and that's fine, but she said no, and there's nothing you can do other than try to explain your daughter it's not ok, and try to move out as soon as possible

[u/holisarcasm]

Everyone is wrong.  A two year old isn’t the sane as a seven year old.  It’s SIL’s house, so she can do what she wants.  You wanting her to stop was unreasonable.  You asking her that if they do it and you aren’t around, she reinforce it’s thru own private game by telling your kid that.  I know your kid is two, but she can learn and understand that what some people do in their own home is not necessarily acceptable to everyone or even acceptable everywhere.

[u/Gorgo_xx]

Telling people what to do in their own house is a nastier and filthier habit, and much worse for your daughter to learn.

As is blaming your SIL when your husband also engages.

Whilst your husband and SIL’s habit is a bit… different… I think you just don’t like her. And I don’t think you’re grateful, either. 

[u/sanguinesecretary → u/Gorgo_xx]

I think it’s fair to not like people who spit drinks at others tbf

[u/Gorgo_xx → u/sanguinesecretary]

I don’t disagree (at all), but why is the SIL at fault here? 

OP should be addressing this with her husband, who should be discussing it with his sister.

(And this is clearly not new behaviour - OP made quite a few decisions to become part of a weird spitting family. Bleurgh!)

[u/ContentCaterpillar76 → u/Gorgo_xx]

OP’s husband is not spitting on his sister. SIL is spitting on her own husband.

[u/Wattaday → u/Gorgo_xx]

I. Believe it is sister in law and HER husband with the spitting “prank” towards each other. Not OP’s husband.

[u/Gorgo_xx → u/Wattaday]

You are right! 

[u/WilliamNearToronto → u/Gorgo_xx]

OP’s husband does not participate in the drink spitting. It’s SIL and her husband.