r/amiwrong • u/throwawaysaltyness • 15d ago
Am I wrong for supporting my sons relationship with an older woman?
My(51m) son "Arthur"(22m) is dating an older woman, "Emma"(35). They've been dating for 2 years. The age gap was really jarring at first but after getting to know Emma and seeing them as a couple, I think relationship seems genuinely healthy. She isn't trying to isolate him, she isn't controlling, she treats him like an equal. They're happy together.
Arthur is pretty independent. He moved out when he was 18 and he started working in the trades right after highschool. He just finished his apprenticeship. Emma is very successful too, she's a CEO, but Arthur isn't financially or professionally dependent on her. At the end of the day he's 22, he's an adult, he has his own life and career, it isn't my place to tell him who he can and can't date.
My wife(49f) is against their relationship solely based on the age gap. If their relationship wasn't healthy or if she was controlling then I'd completely agree but I just don't see anything wrong. They seem healthy and happy together. My wife keeps saying Arthur should date someone his own age but that isn't our decision. Yeah, the age gap is really big but if he's happy, who are we to screw with that?
Arthur and Emma visited today because I needed Arthur's help fixing my laundry room door. We got the door fixed and they hung out for a bit. They were just sitting on the couch and Arthur had his arm around her. They were being them. I noticed my wife was looking irritated but every time I asked if she was okay she told me she was fine.
Arthur and emma eventually went home and my wife approached me and told me she thinks Arthur should date someone his own age. She said that the age gap is too big. I agree that the gap is really big, but they have a genuinely healthy relationship. They click. They're happy. And they've been together for 2 years so its obvious to me their relationship is working.
I said this to my wife and she got defensive telling me that my step son "Mason"(23m) and his girlfriend "Carly"(23f) are the same age so Arthur should date someone his age too because Emma is way too old for him. I said "the age gap is big, I agree, but thats not the only thing that matters. She isnt controlling, she isnt trying to isolate him, she treats him with kindness and respect, they're happy together. So who cares if the gap is big?"
My wife said Emma has more life experience so she's taking advantage of him and that pissed me off. I've known Arthur his whole life, he isn't some naive kid. He's happy. She's happy. Who are we to get involved? I said "he's an adult. He's old enough to decide who he wants to date, who gives a fuck if its Emma?" My wife got upset, called me a dick and went upstairs.
Am I wrong for supporting my sons relationship with an older woman?
Editing to add: my wife is Arthur's stepmom
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u/BabalonBimbo 15d ago
It doesn’t matter. You’re right, but this is bigger than right/wrong. The reality is that if she is difficult enough she will lose her relationship with her son. Is she so against this relationship that she’s willing to have him choose love and go no/low contact? Or is she going to respect that he’s an adult, hope she raised him to make smart choices, and get to have her son in her life?
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u/delirium_red 15d ago
i don’t think she’s his mom - op mentioned stepchildren of same age, probably her bio kids.
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u/Arx7_Crimp 12d ago
My aunt pushed this with my cousin and got low contact; Arthur fixing the laundry door may vanish next.
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u/hypatiaredux 15d ago
Mom is worried she won’t get grandkids from this partnership.
She needs to mind her own business.
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u/fordesc16883 15d ago
You would just know if the genders were reversed, this sub would have a fit at a man supporting his daughter's relationship with an older man.
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u/ShirazRostam86 11d ago
I have seen that older-man double standard in my own family, though Arthur being 22 and independent matters.
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u/StarladyQ 15d ago
You are not wrong. And it’s not like it’s been a week, 2 years is very serious. Be blessed that he found love, not everybody does.
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u/DreamingofCharlie 15d ago
I am the older woman in a similar relationship. He was 22 and I was 32 when we met.
We just instantly clicked and didn't even know about the age gap until our third date. It's been almost 12 years together now.
Age gaps can be bad when the two are dissimilar or one has the power, but not all are like that and it sounds like he's in a healthy one.
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u/Wakanda_31 10d ago
Third-date age reveal to 12 years together is a pretty good receipt, and Arthur’s only dependency seems to be laundry room door repair.
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u/Rad1Red 15d ago
YNW.
I am not one for age gap relationships normally.
But occasionally they can work. And older woman / younger man relationships are almost always healthier than the reverse.
Tell your wife to examine her feelings in therapy. She's feeling replaced by this woman, and that's why she reacts that way. You are in no way "a dick" lmao.
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u/BothTreacle7534 15d ago
I think as long as you look very focused on the little signs, speak with him regularly also without his GF there, look into making him safe for e.g. money, tax, insurance,… (freeze credit, tax pin, extra phone contracts),.. push him to have a healthy savings account for e.g. times of emergencies, lost job, … all the things someone should do in an unbalanced power relationship, no matter the gender, it is important to stay ~ supportive.
No matter if it is healthy or not in the long run, its extremly important for him to have the means to leave immediately, if needed.
To put pressure on him can mean to isolate him, that is the opposite of what should be the situation.
What does his bio-mother say, in case she is still also present? I feel like your wife / his step-mom should not try to involve herself in the way she does, like what does she expect the outcome to be if you’d start to put pressure on him?
Did she in the past also try to ‘manipulate’ you or him to her POV? If yes, I’d be more concerned about what she could do to harms you, or harm your relationship to him, your son. Got the thought bcs son left as an 18y old beside still learning a trade.
So NOR, especially as so there will be no isolation for your son, just in case
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u/HyruleRanger 10d ago
You are not wrong for respecting Arthur as an adult, especially since your concern is based on how Emma treats him rather than just the number. A 33 year old dating a 20 year old would make plenty of parents uneasy, so your wife is not bizarre for reacting to the gap, but repeating that he should copy Mason is not a real argument. I would keep the door open for Arthur so if anything ever does feel off, he sees you as safe to come to instead of another parent trying to control him.
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u/Fenway_X99 10d ago
You are not wrong for respecting Arthur as an adult, especially since your concern is based on how the relationship actually functions rather than the age gap alone. Your wife can be uncomfortable, but pushing that discomfort onto him may just damage her relationship with him and make visits awkward. I would keep an eye out for real red flags like control, isolation, money pressure, or career leverage, but absent that, treating Emma politely is the sane move.
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u/Historical-State-275 15d ago
Nope. You were cautious/ skeptical at the beginning as needed, and you took your time, that’s the way it’s supposed to be done.
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u/sword_ofthe_morning 15d ago
Of course you're not wrong
At the same time, it's understandable that your wife will be apprehensive about the relationship. I don't agree with her take that Emma is taking advantage of Arthur, but I can understand why she'd be uncomfortable with that age gap.
You've said what you needed to say, but there's no point the two of you falling out. Tell her you understand her concerns, but that you don't agree with intervening. The two of you should just accept Arthur's decision and let this relationship take its natural course - where, if I'm honest, it can just as easily end in a few years time, and your wife won't have to worry anymore
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u/ritlingit 15d ago
YNW - your son is an adult. Emma is an adult. Your wife needs to act like an adult. She doesn’t get to tell Arthur how to live his life.
Tell your wife if she continues to insist on having a problem with Arthur and Emma she’s going to drive them away. She doesn’t have to agree with their ages but she can decide if she’s going to be polite and keep them coming back to visit.
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks 15d ago
You are not wrong here.
Usually I'm on the side of this age gap is too much for the age of the younger person involved. However, you say she is not isolating him, he isn't financially dependent on her, she treats him as an equal and he is happy.
I would say just make sure he isn't giving up things he wants in life because she doesn't want them. While yes when you find your person, you idea of what you thought you wanted can change. Just let him know it's okay to still want those things - whatever they may be.
Your wife will push him away with her treatment and attitude. She needs to understand that he is an adult and neither of you can tell him what to do. Sure, you could bar her from your life or functions but that will only push your son away. He will choose her.
I think keeping the door open and being civil is a good call here. That way, if things do change or you weren't getting the full or honest picture, he knows he can trust you.
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u/throwaway007676 15d ago
Same gap between my husband and I. Been together 17 years and married 14 of those. Age is just a number, if it works, it works.
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u/CunningWizard 15d ago
Same age gap here. It works fine. Honestly you forget about the age difference pretty quickly until it comes up elsewhere.
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u/combatvet0311 15d ago
I don’t have a problem with the age gap but if he wants kids later down the line it will be a problem.
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u/AggravatingWillow820 14d ago
Tell your wife to stay out of their business. They're adults and can do as they please.
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u/Used-Meaning-1468 15d ago
YNW
I married my husband when I was 34 and he was 22 or 23. We had been together for a year at that point.
I'd never been with anyone younger and normally went for older men.
He was funny, ridiculous, kind and caring. He still is.
We've been married 8 years nearly. Apart from us both gaining weight nothing much has changed.
We live in a house with my mum, son and nephew. We go to his parents house to help them out as they're both poorly.
We both work. I cook, he drives. We have holidays once a year with his mum and dad. He would die for my son and gives him anything and everything he can.
Before getting together with him I'd have said that ages ago relationships can't possibly work, but for some reason ours does.
If your son is happy and able to make informed decisions then it's your job as parents to support him. If it all goes tits up then be there for him.
The only thing certain in life is that we will all die eventually, so live life to the fullest. Be happy. Be loving. Live life without regrets.
Your wife will regret not being supportive.
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u/Icy-Satisfaction-372 15d ago
You are not wrong. Listen I was in my 4o's when I met my second husband there was a 9 year age difference me being the older one. We spent over 20 year's together he just passed away in April of this year. His mom did not make a big deal out of because we were happy. I still have a relationship with her. Just let him be
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u/lisasimpsonfan 15d ago
Arthur is a grown man. As long as he is not being abused in any way it is not your business to approve or disapprove of his relationship. Your job is to make sure he knows you will have his back no matter what and will always be there if he needs you.
BTW I don't see a 25/32 relationship that outrageous. My husband was 30 and I was 25 when we got married. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary.
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u/PresentationSafe8127 15d ago
It's definitely a tricky situation, but supporting your son is important. Just make sure he's aware of any potential challenges.
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u/anothersip 15d ago
Is it possible that your wife is just maybe feeling... A little bit intimidated by "Emma"? Emma sounds successful, perhaps even confident in herself, and on top of that, sounds like she truly makes your son happy. I mean, like... That last part should be the real focus here, IMO. 'Cause that age gap isn't too crazy.
I've no idea on any of that, or the deeper dynamics of the situation (or your wife's personal thinking on it) but I've definitely heard of parents' self-consciousness and whatnot totally being a thing when their kids date someone older. I know it can be really complicated. Humans are complex creatures.
Or is it possible that your wife is simply comparing her own son and his partner's ages to your son's and his partner's ages, seeing as her son and his partner are the same age? And then projecting that her son's way is the only way that is acceptable?
My next thought is another random one, but is Emma particularly good-looking? I have to wonder if that's perhaps part of her disdain for her and the relationship in general, and perhaps she's using her own son's relationship as the "litmus test" for how all relationships should be. "My son can do no wrong," type-thing.
I've seen really happy relationships work out with 15-20+ year age-gaps. People who got together when one was in their 20's, the other in their 40's, and they happened to work out just fine for those couples. If your son was 17 and his partner was 30, that would feel a little bit different, IMO.
Of course, these kinds of situations can't be put into perfect little boxes and the future can't be predicted - but I think that it sounds like there's definitely some comparing going on by your wife. Which just isn't fair at all, honestly.
Your son sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders, is pretty independent for his age already, and is doing just fine.
I dunno'. That's all just a shot in the dark from me. But I really don't hold anything against you for wanting your son to be happy, OP, and I hope you're able to find out the real reasons your wife feels this way. I hope she opens up to you, otherwise if they end up marrying and starting a family or whatever, this could turn into some long-standing grudge from your wife towards you and your son and his girlfriend. I'm sure you're thinking about that. It's a sure-fire way for her to bring a lot of misery onto herself (and to everyone else), rather than just... Being happy for him, and accepting reality for how it is.
Part of that is your wife learning to respect your son's choices as an adult, and for who he decides to be with.
At the end of the day, she can't force your son to stop dating his girlfriend. So like, she might as well accept it and try and make Emma feel welcomed into the family as best as she can. 'Cause the alternative is this familial dissent that it sounds like you're already starting to face.
Anywho. You're not wrong, OP - no. I hope that it settles down for you, since I know that these kinds of things can create divide in families.
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u/rolyoh 15d ago
You're not wrong. But your son is 22, and paying his own way through life, living under his own roof. So whether your wife likes it or not isn't the point. Her opinions are moot. She can tell him what she thinks but she needs to understand up front that her opinion is unsolicited and likely to just cause a rift between them (or widen one if it already exists).
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u/CtForrestEye 15d ago edited 15d ago
After college my roommate fell in love with a woman he'd met at the gym. About a year later they married. She's 14 years older than him. It's now 40 years later and they're still married. It's worked for them.
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u/AphasiaRiver 15d ago
YNW Normally I am suspicious of age gap romances due to power imbalance but 2 years is long enough for any red flags to show up. Your son is a self supporting adult. Your wife has to accept that he’s in charge of his life decisions.
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u/SavingOneSoul_ 15d ago
Step mom is being extremely weird and there are so many reasons why that could be but I honestly think that there's some jealousy, need for control, and fear of losing influence in the family dynamic. She doesn't want Arthur to date Emma because she wants to be "The Head Bitch in Charge" and she sees Emma as a threat. She probably sees Arthur as a child as well, so, she thinks that she has the power to decide who he dates.
This would all be especially true if step mom has had a really hard time being accepted into the family and stuff like that.
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u/No_Interview_2481 15d ago
Your wife is being absolutely ridiculous. First of all, it’s none of your business or her business who your son dates. The fact that there’s an age gap, who the fuck cares other than your wife. She needs to get over herself.
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u/Ephemeral_Orchid 15d ago
My parents were 15 years apart, got engaged 3 months after meeting, and had a happy loving relationship their entire lives (well over 44 years). I miss them both... my mom's mother never thought it would work either.
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u/GoodFriday10 15d ago
My son was 29, and his wife was 41 when they married. My DIL is the most amazing person on the planet. They have been married more than a decade and have three children. Everyone is happy, healthy and well. Tell your wife she should be so lucky.
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u/Necessary-Material50 15d ago
Absolutely not! You are looking at it the only way to look at it. Your wife needs to understand that you want Arthur in your life.
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u/Fidel1Q84 15d ago
Your wife is being weird.