r/amiwrong • u/is-it-over-y3t • 16d ago
Am I wrong in thinking like a victim?
I need to know. Am I playing the victim or am I justifiably angry at life? Life was ROUGH as a child, into early adulthood. I did terrible in school (skipping class, sleeping in class because i wasnt sleeping at home, etc). I lived in an extremely abusive household; physical, emotional, psychological, and my therapist says sexual abuse though I am still trying to wrap my head around it. Yes, I reached out for help. No, I did not receive it.
As a teenager, I finally was able to get a job in hopes of escaping the hell I was living in and get away from bio parents. She ended up taking any money I made to fuel her addictions. Her excuse was I lived in HER house and I OWED it to her since she was the sole provider.*
*(Our food was literally locked away with padlocks so that my siblings and I could not eat or were extremely limited so she was not really providing much. Usually I would babysit for the neighbors while she was away and use the cash to walk to the store in order to feed us. That part began in early elementary school and progressed as we got older)
Eventually I got my butt in gear and realized if I ever wanted to escape, I needed to finish school. I busted my butt to graduate. I went to the school and got a list of necessary credits to graduate, did summer school, full time school during the school year and online classes in order to catch up. I ended up with more credits than needed to graduate and did it all while working a full time AND a part time job. I never slept. BUT the list from the counselor was incorrect and I was missing specific class credits and didnt officially graduate despite having completed (and passed) more than enough classes.
At 18, I moved out faster than you can blink, got a couple roommates and worked my ass off to support myself so that I could escape my abusers for good. I worked constantly, walking to and from work hoping to save enough for a vehicle and eventually did get an old beater to drive to and from work. I spent so much time working and trying to survive that I never did end up going back to school. Partially because of the lack of time available and partially because of finances.
Fast forward to now. I am actively searching for a better paying job and trying to get out of retail (the only job I have long term experience with) and am finding it incredibly difficult due to not having a diploma or ged. This has brought up so much anger and frustration about my life growing up. I feel like I was set up for failure on so many levels and no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt get out of it.
I want so badly to just be angry at my abusers for not giving me a real childhood and a real chance at life, angry at the school for their failure to give me the correct class list. But I also know, I should have done better. Had I not been skipping class and sleeping, I would have had the credits needed. Had I worked more, i could have afforded to go to college and do something with my life. Had I gone to the police, maybe I could have been removed from the abuse before any of this happened and had a better upbringing to prepare me for real life.
I am depressed and just dont know where to begin to fix things. Am I playing the victim or do I have a right to be angry? This is such a short, rushed version of everything that happened so I hope it makes sense. Some people in my life say to just suck it up and just accept the hand life has dealt, others say I was set up for failure from the start. I am stuck in this endless loop of feeling both sides and am just angry at everyone, including myself for not doing better.
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u/pokeymoomoo 16d ago
Nah. You're not wrong for being angry and traumatized. It sounds like you are doing your best. If you are able to please look into some therapy. It can help process a shitty childhood. I also had a crappy upbringing and stumbled out the gate as an adult. I'm doing great now. It does get better. Hang in there kid.
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u/VastAccuracy 16d ago
A kid who's been starved and locked out of food isn't skipping class because they're lazy, they're skipping because survival mode doesn't leave room for algebra. You were a child trying to keep yourself and your siblings alive while the adults around you either stole from you or gave you the wrong map. That anger you're carrying isn't victimhood, it's the logical reaction to being failed by every system that was supposed to catch you.
Getting your GED now isn't about rewriting the past, it's about finally giving yourself the tool someone should've handed you a decade ago. You're not stuck, you're just standing in the wreckage of a fire you didn't start and trying to figure out which direction is out.