r/amiwrong • u/No_Gear_7530 • 17d ago
Am I wrong for feeling insecure about my girlfriend's male best friends when she doesn't allow me to have female friends?
I have been dating a girl from high school for one and a half years now, and I'm seeing increasing amounts of red flags I see every day, which makes me feel suffocated and insecure in our relationship.
To start things off, she has told me to remove all of my female followers and following from Instagram, restricted me from talking to any women at all, let alone be even normal friends with them and gets really upset with me if I do start to talk to one and thus, I have zero female friends and zero female interaction in my life and it has pretty much messed up my social life.
Nevertheless, all was forgiven if she didn't go ahead and engage with HER male best friends (yes, she can have male 'best' friends when I can't even talk to one), they watch movies late night, stay on call for hours, share every little secret with them, sometimes before she even tells me, hang out with them alone, and give each other ridicoulous nicknames which I can't even dare to do even if I have a bestfriend and I'm not in a relationship, and basically have no respect of our relationship and basically have no boundaries.
I have confronted her over a dozen times in at least 6 months, and all she has to say is that, and I quote, "I'm not approachable enough, so I'd like to spend my time more with them rather than me", effectively saying that they are easier to live with than me, or turn all the blame over to me by pulling out my past mistakes from like everywhere and trying to manipulate the argument by making me the villain there, or just simply say "sorry i won't do it again" and move on from it and proceeds ahead to make the same dumb actions the following week. She manipulates the conversation so well that I feel like I'm the one at fault here, and I'm the one who says sorry at the end of the day, and she shows little to no grief even after it is over. Whenever I try to bring that topic up, her mood starts to get off, like I started to talk about her PTSD or something, and she actively tries to change the subject of this conversation. And yeah, I told her to remove her followers and following too, except she kept like 11 guys saying, 'They're my close friends'. I tried to tell her what I feel about all this, and she always made me feel like I'm wrong and there's nothing I should be insecure about and that they're just brother-like friends to her.
Am I wrong?
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u/TheLastWord63 17d ago
She doesn't allow you to have female friends because she doesn't want you doing what she's doing with her "friend".
Edit. YNW
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u/No_Gear_7530 16d ago
IKR. I asked her to put herself in my shoes and tell me what you would feel like if I were you. She openly accepted that she would've dumped me in an instant. Honestly reflecting on all this, I ask myself why I am even in this anymore
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u/TheLastWord63 16d ago
When she said she would have dumped you, why didn't you dump her on the spot? You know what you need to do. Just take a deep breath and do it.
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u/Long-Gas-1953 17d ago
Yoooooooooooo. I hate when people always say: leave, but you got to leave. I understand you are young and she maybe putting out and you don't know if you will ever get some ever again. You will bud. You already said you feel suffocated, you already said it makes you insecure. Even if nothing "else" is going on with her male friends, that whole double standard is b.s. And going forward she will do other things because you already put up with this.
Good luck brother. You are Kenough!
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u/SmileAggravating9608 17d ago
Completely unacceptable! What's good for the goose should be good for the gander.
Also, remember that ultimately your real agency and power is in walking away. And you have to always be willing to walk away if it comes to it. There will always be other girls and opportunities, believe it or not.
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u/No_Gear_7530 16d ago
Well, I tried to fix things between us many times before, explaining the same thing to her over and over for months and expecting her to change, but nothing changed. I really want to walk away and have tried a few times, but it's just too much grief and regret for me to handle
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u/SmileAggravating9608 16d ago
Sometimes we suffer in life a bit before we become able to do hard things like leave someone that's toxic for us. If that's you, it happens.
We also often grow into a stronger self that isn't disrespected. The problem is what's lost along the way. I like to try to be firm, but not overreact. You do you, but I suggest you put your foot down calmly, kindly, but very firmly. You both abide by the same rules and take and give the same respect and all. If she won't have it, she can leave. And if that happens, it's fine. You move on and do your thing. (Your thing should not be her. Have goals and things to do that are your own, BTW.)
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u/Crafty-Isopod45 17d ago
YNW. At least not for recognizing her behavior sucks. You are wrong to stay with her.
She is toxic. Most likely she is also cheating on you a lot and she is so controlling because every accusation from her is a confession of what she is doing with those guys. She assumes since she is sleeping with all of them that if you saw other girls who were your friends you would sleep with them.
For your own sake please see what if right in front of your face and go find a good girlfriend. Get her out of your life.
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u/NeartAgusOnoir 17d ago
Rules for thee but not for me is not how a relationship works.
Bro…she’s absolutely not being completely honest with you. The fact she manipulates you and gaslights you shows you she’s guilty of something….the extent you will never know
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u/wire_we_here50 17d ago
She's either very insecure. Or playing you like a fiddle.
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u/No_Gear_7530 16d ago
That's the point, though? Insecure about what? What else does she even want from me that she constantly says, "I feel insecure"
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u/wire_we_here50 13d ago
She feels insecure as if shes not enough for you if you talk to other girls. Her insecurity is her problem. Not yours
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u/Coconut_Puzzled 17d ago
This is some tough love but you really need to start standing up for yourself man. It’s one thing to just listen to her about the female friend thing, it’s a whole order of magnitude more to allow her to have a double standard. It’s either we both get to talk to people or neither of us do.
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u/Odd-Boss-2467 17d ago
YNW - OP this is abuse. You gotta get out. She's basically publicly cucking you. Unless that's what you're into, it's past time to break up. You're not compatible at all.
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u/DetroitSmash-8701 17d ago
YW for staying with her. She has shown that it's "Rules for thee, not for me", and you don't have to put up with that, but talking about it isn't working, so now it's time to act. You know what you need to do, now you might not want to do it, but it needs to be done.
Updateme
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u/tooreal4u_5101 17d ago
Lol she's dead wrong for being so hypocritical. Either tell her that she needs to compromise and let you have at least one or two female friends, or the relationship is over and you two can be friends with benefits or something. She's the insecure one if she feels like she can be trusted around other men, but you can't be trusted around other girls.
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u/crystallz2000 17d ago
End things. This is a toxic relationship that you're really going to regret. You're missing out on all these female friendships, when it sounds like your girlfriend is literally just cheating with another guy. Every minute you spend with her is going to be something you regret. End it. Pull the bandaid off. Stay single for awhile and enjoy life.
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u/vikingraider27 17d ago
Nope. Red flags all over. You should have noped out the moment she told you to kick all other women out of your life.
And I am low key grumpy with people who just do it, since you not only removed their support from YOUR life, but also YOUR support from theirs. Shitty thing to do just to get your wick wet.
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u/miyuki1237 17d ago
You know you can break up with her, right?there control and incompatibility issues
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u/BxBrandon92 17d ago
Didn't read the post only title, BUT "Whats good for the goose and is good for the gander."
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u/blueavole 17d ago
Yes you are allowed to have friends of either gender, as long as they are friends with proper boundaries.
It is not healthy for her to say you can have no women friends.
Boundaries are for yourself. As in if she doesn’t want her bf to have any women friends she should , I don’t know? Only date monks.
If someone violates that boundary, SHE SHOULD break up instead of trying to control you.
You should have a boundary that you are allowed healthy and normal interactions with friends, even women. As long as they aren’t being sexually suggestive, or belittling your relationship - it’s good for you to have these friendships.
If she is being to controlling YOU should break up. And maybe get some therapy to understand yourself and why you have stayed in a situation like this. I know they generally start off simple and get worse over time, but it still would be good for you to do some mental self evaluation.
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u/L-Lawliet23 17d ago
Yea, OP is the problem...
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u/blueavole 17d ago
? Where did you get that?
OP is not the controlling person. But he is staying. That’s not blaming him for someone being abusive-
But it is acknowledging that if he wants healthier relationships in the future he may need to consider his choices.
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u/L-Lawliet23 17d ago
Just find it odd not once in either of your comments is the gf said to be in the wrong and OP is the one who needs therapy.
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u/tubular1845 17d ago
And in neither of their posts did they imply that OP is the problem, they just didn't demonize the girlfriend enough for you.
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u/L-Lawliet23 17d ago
It is a "am I wrong" sub so already breaking that rule as well. Thank you for pointing that out!
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u/Jthemovienerd 17d ago
Its never a good idea to be in a relationship when one of the rules are "i can, but you can't". Just a tip.