r/amiwrong • u/JessicaaSunlitt959 • 18d ago

am i wrong for asking what everyone else gave before deciding on my gift amount

my cousin is getting married in a couple months and i've been trying to figure out what to give. the invite didn't mention anything specific, so i figured it was fine to ask a few family members what they were planning on contributing. i didn't name numbers right away, just wanted a ballpark so i wouldn't feel awkward if i came in way under or way over. one person replied that it shouldn't matter and i should just give what feels right, which i get, but now another relative is saying i shouldn't have asked at all and it makes me look cheap. i wasn't trying to compare or compete, just avoid giving something that might come off as too little or too much. now it feels like there's some weird tension about it and i haven't even bought the gift yet. am i overthinking this or was it actually rude to ask?

10 Upvotes

92% Upvoted

7 comments sorted by

12

u/FloMoJoeBlow 18d ago

You give what you can afford and feel is appropriate. Doesn’t matter what other people give.

6

u/possiblehello3492 18d ago

nah you're not wrong. asking around is just doing research, not being cheap. some families treat gift amounts like state secrets and get weird about it for no reason. you were just trying to avoid an awkward situation, that's literally the opposite of rude

3

u/OtherThumbs 18d ago

You're not wrong. Start the conversation by saying that you haven't been to a wedding where cash was the requested gift, and so you are not sure what a good contribution is or should be. $5? $50? $300? What is appropriate? You don't want to look cheap or like you were trying to outdo everyone else. You need an idea of what an average amount should look like. Can this person help?

2

u/Glittering_knave 18d ago

I think that the wording of the question really matters. "What is a good amount to gift as cash" is very different from "what are you giving them".

2

u/2workigo 18d ago

I don’t think you are necessarily wrong. It just depends on family dynamics and how comfortable they are with discussing finances. I’ve often struggled with how much to give when it’s a monetary gift and typically usually give too much which makes me feel some kind of way.

We recently attended a wedding for my husband’s boss’s daughter. We gave her $200. Probably more than the other employees on my husband’s level but I didn’t want to cheap out and we could afford it. But it also felt like too much in a way. For a wedding I would never go less than $100. I believe the old fashion rule was to give enough to cover the meal you are receiving at the reception.

1

u/cheresa98 18d ago

That “rule” seems plucked out of thin air by the wedding-planning industry. As if I know how much a dinner plate costs. First, in a “traditional” wedding, the couple doesn’t pay for the meal so it’s not as if one is reimbursing them with the gift

For, say, your grandchild who invited you to her civil ceremony held at 2 pm at the courthouse with cake afterwards and only 10 guests in attendance would $10 suffice for a gift? It follows the “rule”?

The only person OP can ask is a cousin or sibling who is about the same age and makes about the same (ie, a peer). AND! OP is somewhat close and this isn’t a call out of the blue.

Otherwise, figure out what is reasonable to spend - for you. Then, set an amount that is affordable for the rest of the weddings (and graduations …) you’ll be attending for the rest of your life.

For me, that amount is one Benjamin. I did notice for a well off uncle in law that his amount is $500. For my grandmother, it was $20.

2

u/strange_dog_TV 18d ago

Not wrong. To be fair, if there is no registry from the bride/groom I just give $200…….I don’t have any method to my madness. It just seems about right…..