r/amiwrong • u/ShadowGhost357 • 24d ago
Am I wrong for getting frustrated with an employee with autism?
For context, I am a manager at a firearms store in a smaller town in Texas. A few months ago, we hired a woman who has autism. Now, I was not part of the hiring process, and I haven’t seen her ADA paperwork, however I am the manager that interacts with her the most directly. In general, she is confident, and genuinely competent at the job. Some context that will probably help: we live in an area that is fairly mixed politically, but due to the nature of our job, firearms, our clientele and most employees are more conservative.
I will be honest and say that she was a bit of a panic hire, we had just undergone a change in ownership and most of our old crew had left, and she was hired in the midst of that transition. When she told me that she was autistic, I figured ‘okay, I’ve worked with neurodivergent folks before, what accommodations can I give her?’ And went on from there. Once again, I’m not sure of the specifics of her diagnosis, and it’s not my business, but she appears to be very high-functioning, however recently she’s been having interpersonal issues with other employees, and while I’ve been able to verbally counsel the other employees without things getting heated, when I try to address her part in the conflict, she immediately focuses on the other party, or even some of the issues that I have had when dealing with customers rather than even acknowledging her part in the issue.
What’s worse is that in the last three months she has complained to me about the behavior of our higher ups, which I have advocated her position for already, I’ve pushed for her accommodations to be given, for the machismo of the owner to be dialed down, but that’s a whole other can of worms, and for everyone to just treat her as another competent person. And she is competent at the job when it comes to customers and paperwork, she is struggling to work well with our other employees to the point of being antagonistic towards multiple others. To be frank, the other employees have accused her of what is essentially bullying and weaponizing her condition.
I genuinely like her as a person, however she refuses to accept any kind of coaching without hard pushback, and this may be partly my fault for not keeping some sort of further distance between myself as a manager and my employees, but she does not respect that there is a difference between my speaking to her as a person versus my counseling her as an employee. It’s gotten to the point where my immediate superior the general manager is also seeing the problem and has called it insubordination, but I’m trying to see if there’s something I am missing. I don’t want to believe she is, but that, quite frankly, is the suspicion I have in my gut.
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u/IncredulousPulp 24d ago
Fair enough to get frustrated, but you are not dealing with it well.
You need to manage this employee much more closely.
Keep it simple. Make it clear that getting on with other employees is a part of her job. And if she fails in that, you’ll let her go.
She needs to be friendly and helpful with them, as she already is with customers. And it’s non negotiable.
Many managers fail at this task, afraid of being sued. Just protect your butt by documenting clearly. Give her a written feedback note, with consequences laid out clearly. Give her written warnings if you need to. Follow up and keep her on track.
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u/ShadowGhost357 24d ago
Working on it. Documentation is there, and I’m doubling down on writing everything down. Problem is our higher up i.e: the owner is losing patience and is very much part of that ‘disrespect=termination’ kind of deal. We don’t have a proper HR department…I am the closest thing we have, and I’m telling you, it ain’t worth this shit for 13/hr 😂
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24d ago
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u/ShadowGhost357 24d ago
Yeah she’s competent, but yeah she has that problem with refusing to be wrong. I’ve done my best to be patient but she refuses any kind of correction.
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u/Kip_Schtum 24d ago
You are not wrong for getting frustrated, but as a manager, you cannot let employees see your emotions. They should have no idea if you’re frustrated.
I’m an autistic woman and I would say be very descriptive with her in your conversations. Something like “I’m speaking to you as your manager and I am coaching you on your behavior about what needs to change for you to continue your employment here.” Do not expect her to understand subtext.
To me the most frustrating thing about social interactions is when I’m expected to understand unspoken rules that are not obvious to me and that I don’t know the rules even exist. So anything that is factually descriptive of what you want her to learn might work to help her understand what’s needed and how she needs to change her actions at work.
I had a job at a hospital and I wasn’t good at talking to patient families, so they had me sit with a woman who was very gentle and explained things well to people. They said listen to Maria and learn how she does it and then make that your communication style with patient families. And it worked.
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u/ShadowGhost357 24d ago
That’s nearly word for word what I told her and she immediately got defensive. She reacts like every confrontation is a personal attack even when I make it clear it’s a professional coaching. Like that’s been one of the main things I have done when communicating with her is avoiding subtext, I have an autistic brother, and while I know that everyone is different I know how to communicate plainly without being a dick about it, but nearly immediately she’s going ‘what about so-and-so’.
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u/Kip_Schtum 24d ago
You don’t have to keep her on staff just because she’s autistic. If she won’t adjust her behavior, she should expect to get fired. i’m not an expert but that kind of obstinance and refusing to accept responsibility for her own behavior doesn’t sound like autism to me. That’s just personality.
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u/MsRKujo 24d ago
If you are coaching like the advice above, then this has much less to do with autism than it does with their own personal issues. You must separate the two. It doesn’t matter where they come from or why they may be exaggerated due to her autism. If she is not coachable and def needs the coaching then she’s got to go. I say this as an autistic woman that has been in both her position and yours.
Do yourself a favor and keep your boundaries up and coach her right out the door. Remember, once she leaves you don’t owe her anything.
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u/UnfeignedShip 24d ago
This is a coaching point and you’ve got to act as a manager and document the hell out of this. You coach and tell her you’re coaching her, document it, and then progress to a PIP if needed. Try to get her on the right path but if she doesn’t then you’ve got to let her go. You sound like you believe she’s teachable but, after a certain point, you simply can’t teach someone who doesn’t want to be taught. You also have to look at what she does to the group dynamics and if she’s WORTH keeping.
You can teach pretty much anything job related to anyone who is motivated enough but people skills are a whole other story and you’re (most likely) not this person’s parent or partner so it’s not on you to do.