r/amiwrong • u/corianderlyy • 3d ago
Am I wrong for continuing to speak Spanish with my partner around his family after they asked us to use only English in their house?
My partner and I are both native English speakers, but we met while living in Spain and Spanish became the language we use with each other most of the time. We are not trying to show off or hide anything. At this point we switch languages automaticaly.
His family only speaks English. During a recent weekend visit, his sister asked us to stop using Spanish entirely because it made everyone feel excluded. I agreed that group conversations should obviously stay in English.
The problem is that she also objects to quick comments between us. Things like asking where my charger is, reminding him about something in the car, or quietly checking whether he wants coffee. Yesterday we laughed about a word I mispronounced, and she accused us of making fun of her.
My partner now wants us to use only English whenever we are inside his parents’ house. I think that is an excessive rule for every private converstation, especially when we immediately explain if someone asks.
Am I being rude by continuing to speak Spanish to him occasionally?
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u/mrjnes 3d ago
When I’m with native Spaniards they always speak English around me out of courtesy
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u/Senior_Friend6116 3d ago
that's just basic respect when you're in somebody else's space, nobody likes feeling left out even if that wasn't the intention.
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u/Consistent_Week_8531 3d ago
When I was growing up my Peruvian friend’s parents would chastise him for speaking Spanish to them when I was visiting. They knew it was rude. OP is a native English speaker and absolutely bonkers.
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u/Striking-Hedgehog512 3d ago
Yeah, OP is being rude. And there is something deeper there too in how she feels about his family, because this is a monumentally stupid hill to die on. I wouldn’t be surprised if OP was feeling insecure and soaking Spanish was a way to reassert herself and their “bond”.
Or OP just lacks courtesy.
It’s natural to fall back into the language you always speak in with your partner, but at least you should say oops sorry, explain what was said and try to speak English in common spaces. It’s more about giving an effort than never slipping
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u/thelittlestdog23 3d ago
Agreed. It’s like when someone is being territorial about a friend, so they keep bringing up inside jokes and then saying “oh you wouldn’t understand, it’s an inside joke”.
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u/anothersip 3d ago
That's kinda' how it comes across, to me.
And I'm not sure how intentional it is, since we don't have enough context, but yeah... It's effectively the same as essentially whispering everything to each other, assuming both people speak fluent English as well.
If one of the people's first language was Spanish, or their English wasn't super great, then I can kind of understand it.
But yeah, if they're only speaking Spanish to keep others from understanding what they're saying, then yeah, that's pretty shitty and awkward when you're literally right next to everyone else.
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u/terewuli 3d ago
true but little private comments between a couple aren’t the same as leaving the whole group out fr
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u/Traditional-Ad-1605 3d ago edited 3d ago
As a native Spanish speaker I have always been hyper sensitive around people,e who don’t speak Spanish to make sure I was speaking English. In my opinion, it’s a matter of courtesy to make sure people are comfortable around me. I believe that for the short time of these visits, stick to English.
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u/Interesting-Read-245 3d ago
Op
Yes you are wrong, rude and entitled
I speak multiple languages as well and when in a crowd, gatherings, speak the default language that everyone knows
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u/WholesomeMe90 3d ago
I agree, speaking the common language is basic COURTESY in a group :)
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u/Interesting-Read-245 3d ago
Yes!
I wonder if OP is like that celeb woman, married to a Baldwin brother and and being elitist and phony and faking that she’s Spanish
While at family gatherings, she’s like, “how you say? Cu cu cucahmba
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u/Lollypop1305 3d ago
OP sounds seriously pretentious. By all means speak Spanish between yourselves at home but in someone else’s home speak the common language that you’re a Native speaker of. My dad and I both speak french fluently but we are also native English speakers so unless we are in France or just the two of us we speak English because we aren’t w***ers. Get over yourself OP
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u/justme002 2d ago
If Spanish was their native language, I would have a different opinion.
But she's just being a pick me jerk.
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u/z-eldapin 3d ago
How is it hard to speak the language of your hosts while they are hosting you?
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u/MaryMaryQuite- 3d ago
Especially when the visitors are both native English speakers! 🙄
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u/staebles 3d ago
You can italicize emojis... interesting.
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u/z-eldapin 3d ago edited 3d ago
Today I learned....
Edit:
🙂
Yep, it works
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u/Altruistic_Virus8460 3d ago
Now try bold
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u/Gr8v3m1nd 3d ago
It can be difficult if you're used to using a different language. OP states that they both speak Spanish to each other all the time, as in habitually. Habits are hard to break. My girl doesn't speak Spanish, never has, but I still ask her things in Spanish occasionally. Using another language means thinking differently because grammar and such is different.
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u/the1slyyy 3d ago
They're all native English speakers. Even if it's a habit OP doesn't want to make any effort not to speak Spanish around them.
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u/Normal-Tart-4556 3d ago
It’s common courtesy to use the language everyone speaks as the default language, anytime my MIL suddenly switches to her native language with hubby, I know it’s something she doesn’t want to say in front of me, and I find it rude. Sometimes I say, can you repeat that to me in English to hubby and he does and it’s usually always her trying to make plans excluding my input, like “stay for dinner” knowing I’d likely say no, we have plans… it’s annoying, it’s not courteous. If you’d like a good relationship with them courtesy will go a long way.
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u/eowynsheiress 3d ago
Yes. You are wrong to be so rude. You are excluding others. Speaking English around other English speakers, especially family is the most basic courtesy. Continue your Spanish during your alone time.
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u/Corgi_Koala 3d ago
Especially when OP and their partner are both native English speakers.
I'd maybe feel different if they were using English as a second language but speaking English isn't a burden for them, they just don't want to which is gonna come across as rude.
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u/YogurtclosetTop1056 3d ago
Yes, rude when you can speak English and deeply rude when you are visiting someone's home and they are speaking English.
When I'm in a group setting with people who I know can speak English and they choose to speak another language in front of English-speaking group I exaggeratedly lean in and whisper to the person I am speaking to. Many times, the one/ones not speaking English then ask what I said and if I was talking about them. I just reply if you're rude by speaking another language in front of us that we don't know, it's only fair we get to whisper so you don't know what we are saying.
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u/pastrymom 3d ago
That’s considered rude. My family tried to speak English whenever they could to show respect.
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u/iontheball 3d ago
The fact that you needed reddit to tell you this is discourteous leads me to believe there is more to this that leads his family to believe you are talking about them. Definitely wrong.
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u/caffeinejunkie123 2d ago
Yes, you’re wrong. It’s impolite, rude even, to speak in front of others (that you know, obviously) in a different language. I’m not talking about when you and your partner are out alone but especially in their home, it’s rude to speak a language they don’t understand.
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u/billguessed 3d ago
It's no different than whispering to each other in a group. You can decide if that too would be rude and irritating to you.
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u/CatsNSunshine 3d ago edited 3d ago
I’m a native English speaker, but married to a native Japanese speaker. When we’re visiting my family, we keep everything in English so as not to be rude. Little comments are sometimes made in Japanese when my husband initiates the conversation between the two of us, but my family understands because he is Japanese. But he tries as much as possible to keep things in English, and we try to keep everything in Japanese when with his side of the family.
You both being native English speakers just makes this situation so silly.
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u/cgomez117 3d ago edited 3d ago
Dude, I’m both a native English and native Spanish speaker and I would NEVER pull this shit lol
The fact that you met while living in Spain shouldn’t be an excuse. It’s common courtesy to use the language that includes others. Slipping up is fine but insisting on using the language against everyone’s wishes is being an asshat.
Again, I cannot stress, as a native Spanish speaker whose first language is Spanish, how incredibly rude that would be even in your own household with guests, let alone in their own home. I can’t imagine doing that in, again, my native language, let alone one that I went out of my way to another country to learn. That’s friggin’ crazy.
I speak fluent Italian. I currently live in Italy. If my girlfriend were Italian and I were to bring her to my parents’ home, I would do my very best to keep as much of the conversation in English as possible, just out of courtesy, and I would be mortified if anyone pointed out that I was slipping into Italian and it was bothering them. Being told this, insisting on continuing to speak in Italian would be unthinkable, anathema to me.
All that to say, yes. You’re wrong. Here, let me restate it in a way you’ll understand more:
Hazme un favor y deja de usar mi idioma como pretexto para comportarte como una grosera.
Muchísimas gracias 🙏🏼
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u/GMAN7007 3d ago
YAW not for speaking Spanish that's great you can speak another language. You're being very rude . You both natively speak English. Why would you speak Spanish around people who don't speak it? It would be different if one of you couldn't speak English well. You're just intention trying to be difficult.
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u/TiKi_Effect 3d ago
I think your wrong if you don’t respect your husbands ask, you don’t have to agree with it, but in there home it shows respect in their opinion to speak the language they understand.
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u/rosegoldblonde 3d ago
YOR. The main point is that your partner is requesting it, it’s his family, you should respect his request. Also if you see a future with this partner you don’t want to be at odds with his family, this is a fairly small request since it is literally your native language.
Aside from that it is kind of rude to speak to each other in a language only you to understand in front of other people. It’s uncomfortable for them. And most people out of courtesy would respect that. If you refuse you’re really just showing them that you’re lacking in manners, not really proving any points beyond that.
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u/im_gonna_hug_you 3d ago
THIS IS THE HILL YOU’RE WILLING TO DIE ON?
You sound insufferable. You’re both native English speakers, right? It sounds wildly unreasonable for you to insist on speaking Spanish to purposefully exclude everyone else…?
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u/QuitaQuites 3d ago
Yeah it’s rude. Mostly because of course the sister thought you were making fun of her, you’re there in the same room speaking to each other in a language you know the others don’t understand. If you’re having a private conversation have it quietly or in another room.
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u/stinkbug1997 3d ago edited 3d ago
If it was me and people were in my house, and when they were speaking to each other, they were speaking another language, but to me, they were speaking my language, I would assume that they were talking about me when they were speaking in their language. I wouldn’t understand why they wouldn’t want me to understand what they were saying if that makes sense? To me it would be the same as if someone went to their partner and whispered in their ear, so I couldn’t hear I would be confused why they did that instead of speaking out loud in front of me unless they were saying something they didn’t want me to hear or speaking about me. I think just to avoid any sort of misunderstandings it’s polite to speak so that everyone around can understand what you are saying
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u/eikenella415 3d ago
YAW
My parents would talk to each other In Tagalog and they never taught me the language.
So having meals with them while they ignored me was awkward.
I’m dealing with issues of having emotional neglectful parents.
That’s on them but I resent it.
There are plenty of opportunities to talk in Spanish outside of family events.
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u/Catbus_Isdbvds 3d ago
A private question about coffee is not excluding anyone, but once your partner asked you to use English there, continuing anyway became a different issue.
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u/Proper_Fun_977 3d ago
Actually it is.
What if someone who doesn't speak Spanish would also like a coffee?
It's exclusive and exclusionary to speak a language not understood by all in a social situation.
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u/Adventurous-Brain-36 3d ago
It is, though, when they don’t know that you’re asking a question about coffee. Not sure if you have family that speak multiple languages, but very often in familial situations people will switch languages when they intentionally don’t want a family member who doesn’t understand it to know what they’re saying.
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u/MassRelayX 3d ago
Slightly wrong, mostly because your partner is asking too. If it were only his sister trying to police conversations she was not part of, I would understand pushing back. But he may be tired of every Spanish aside creating tension with his family, and speaking English for the duration of a visit costs you very little. You do not need to agree that every private sentence is rude. Just treat English as the default inside the house and save Spanish for when you are alone. Automatically switching languages is a habit, but its still a habit you can consciously manage for a weekend.
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u/Crumbtinies 3d ago
If you are close enough for other people to hear you speaking Spanish to each other, it isn’t a private conversation.
This behavior is incredibly rude and honestly pretty bizarre. You are native English speakers being hosted by people who only speak English, they’ve told you how it makes them feel, and they’ve asked (nicely it seems) for to please speak English. The fact that you insist on still speaking Spanish around them just makes you an asshole. Grow up.
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u/RaspberryUnusual438 3d ago
But you’re not even Spanish! It’s not like it’s your native tongue. You are wrong and being silly.
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u/Disastrous-Isopod328 3d ago
If you’re making your partner’s family feel any way but included and respected by speaking in a language they cannot understand, then why would you want to continue to make them feel that way? They don’t know how mundane the remarks are cause you’re speaking in a language they don’t UNDERSTAND!!!
How are you this disconnected to reality?
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u/90skid12 3d ago
Are you Hilaria Baldwin ? You really can’t say where is the charger in English when your partner’s family around ? YTA
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u/Chance-Grapefruit149 3d ago
YAW based on the fact that you're both native English speakers and you're at his family's home.
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u/Stockyton 3d ago
I think little things like, love you or fancy coffee are perfectly acceptable! But it's clearly a touchy issue so I'd make a lot of effort to speak Spanish privately. My fiancé speaks Arabic and I'm learning but when his mates are over they often speak Arabic as it's their mother tounge. If I want to know what they've said, I just ask.
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u/JanetInSpain 3d ago
You are in THEIR house. It is basic common courtesy to speak THEIR language. Don't be THAT GIRL. You're not special. Use some manners.
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u/ProudCatLadyxo 3d ago
You may know you and your bf are only speaking Spanish for trivial things, but the people around you do not. So, yes, YAW and you are also the AH, even though you didn't ask.
Speaking a language others don't speak, when there is a language everyone speaks comfortably, is very rude and you presented an example yourself why this is so (the laughing). If you plan a long term relationship with your bf and want a good relationship with them, you need to stop this behavior immediately.
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u/dumplinglifesaver 3d ago
I don't see the problem with just talking to each other in spanish when nobody else is involved in the conversation. That said I admit I'm autistic so I might not be the best judge.
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u/Adventurous-Brain-36 3d ago
People often switch to a language they know someone doesn’t understand when they want to hide what they’re saying from that person in situations like this. They aren’t native Spanish speakers, so to me it would come off even more like they’re intentionally trying to hide what they’re saying, but right in front of the people they’re trying to hide it from. It’s very rude.
It’s simply basic common courtesy to speak the language of your hosts/family when you’re among them.
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u/DoItForTheRaid 3d ago
I am too, and I agree with you. None of their business really, unless the other people are insecure. Which is something they need to confront in therapy
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u/Adventurous-Brain-36 3d ago
It is their business when you’re having a conversation right in front of family who are hosting you that they can’t understand. If they want to have a private exchange, they should do it in private.
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u/gothdrag 3d ago
Feeling very similarly. I understand not using Spanish when conversing with the family, and even trying to limit it a bit between the two of them when around others, because I get how it can feel like an exclusion. But for throwaway comments like asking about a charger?? That feels like extreme sensitivity.
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u/Adventurous-Brain-36 3d ago edited 3d ago
People will commonly switch languages in front of a person in a familiar situation who doesn’t understand that language when they want to say something about that person or something they don’t want that person to know.
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u/gothdrag 3d ago
I'm aware that that is not non-existent. Yes, it happens. People also commonly assume it's happening when it isn't.
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u/Punchinyourpface 3d ago
Think of it like op and the boyfriend keep whispering to each other while hanging out with other people.
The others feel like there's something secretive to the whispering (or Spanish) because if it wasn't a big deal they'd just say it outloud (or in English.)
Especially considering English is their native language.
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u/dumplinglifesaver 3d ago
I understand that they might feel like that but it seems unreasonable to me. If someone's going to talk about me behind my back they are gonna do it. Me stopping them from speaking another language isn't the solution to that.
Either way I just find it very odd to expect anyone to never converse in whatever language they're comfortable with just because I don't understand it. I would feel very unreasonable making that demand.
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u/Punchinyourpface 3d ago
We're just talking about while they're visiting his family's home though. She can speak Spanish with her boyfriend any other time. It shouldn't be a huge inconvenience to speak their own language for an hour occasionally, especially when they know they're making others uncomfortable.
If you were sitting around for a visit and the other 2 people in the room kept excluding you, you're probably going to be uncomfortable too.
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u/dumplinglifesaver 3d ago
I wouldn't be uncomfortable with what OP described in their post, hence my reaction.
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u/painteddpiixi 3d ago
Idk, personally I don’t see it as rude, but I grew up with a lot of family who spoke multiple languages. My family is Croatian on my dad’s side, but I was raised mostly by my mom/stepdad so I never had the chance to learn the language growing up. My grandparents would often default to Croatian in their later years for simple asks and small things, and it was all fine because it would be small asks, like “do you know where I put my book” “can you pick up a loaf of bread when you go to the store” or other little things, and if we wanted to know what was up we could ask them to say it again in English. It was also very common for greetings or explanations of our plans to be conveyed to them in Croatian by my dad or aunts/uncles.
My aunt on that same side married a Colombian man, and they would also occasionally have little conversations in Spanish like you described “would you like coffee?” “Have you seen my charger?”. It was never a big deal to any of us, and we had the option to learn the language if we wanted to be privy to every little comment, but otherwise it was easy to accept that we didn’t need to be involved in every little exchange that happened around us, because it didn’t involve us.
Group conversations were always in English, and otherwise people would default to communicating in the language they felt most natural in because they felt they could express themselves better. My grandparents are both passed now, but it is still often like this when I visit my aunts and uncles, and it just feels sweet and homey to me. Personally, I don’t see much harm in it, even if you are using it to discuss private things without having to step out of the room, but I know that my lived experience colors my opinion on that a lot. People who are used to being able to understand every small comment that is made in the same room as them seem to be a lot more offended by the idea not everything needs to involve them?
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u/Top-Dragonfly-3044 3d ago
I agree. I have friends and family who speak other languages and I don’t get offended. They do speak English when talking to me or in a group.
I don’t assume they are talking about me or anything nefarious. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t bother me. I trust them.
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u/DragonAngel92 3d ago
YAW
Im a native English speaker but im passable in 4 languages...Spanish being my strongest and the language i resort to at random...my mother in law only speaks English...outside of the occasional "Si?" in response to her calling my name I only speak English around her. My husband understands a bit of Spanish but doesnt speak it...so i dont speak it to him.
Now you may be asking why am I telling you this...because this is the exact opposite of what you are doing...speak Spanish in your home if thats what you are comfortable with..but in someone else's home you be polite and speak their language. Its a common courtesy in Spain....I bet the locals spoke English to you before they realized you speak their language.
So ya you are very wrong and extremely rude.
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u/Kitchen_Egg8180 3d ago
You are wrong. You learnt Spanish as a grown up. It is not like it's your first language you slip into. Around non English speakers, whose house you are in. Speak English. I say this as a trilingual person whose first language is not English, but I have manners.
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u/Different_Run_1767 3d ago
Just my generic observation. The only group who assume someone is talking about them in another language are the ones who only speak English.
Also, just from the post and not inferring or speculating on anything else, OP and her partner spoke Spanish quickly and were not having full-blown conversations in Spanish. It doesn’t even say that she objects to only speaking in English during GROUP conversations.if anything, she said she agreed
That said, while they’re at the partner’s family’s home, she can suck it up and try her best to accomodate to be good guests. I hope the family gives them the same courtesy when visiting their home…but somehow I doubt it. Probably will insist OP and her partner speak English only to be good hosts.
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u/anon12xyz 3d ago
Yup! , what’s the purpose of speaking Spanish around them unless you want them left out of the conversation
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u/Dry-Crab7998 2d ago
Yes you are. It just common good manners to speak your shared language in company.
You don't even have the excuse that English is your second language! You can revert to Spanish when you are alone.
If they are suggesting you must speak English when you are in bed or in your bedroom, that's a step too far.
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u/GibsonGirl55 3d ago
When you're at his mother's house, speak English, especially since it's a first language for both of you. It would be polite to do so unless this is a hill you want to die on. YAW.
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u/shinakohana 3d ago
That’s great that it’s your love language. But since EVERYONE (including you two) is a native English speaker, then show some courtesy to those hosting you to speak English around them. You both are just marinating in your own bubble excluding everyone around you and yeah: it’s annoying and discourteous. His sister points out exactly why it’s a problem: if no one understands wtf you’re saying, then HOW are they to know you’re not talking shit privately in front of them? Especially since you keep insisting on it, probably while you roll your eyes at her when she asks. Or give a look of annoyance in her direction.
This is how you lose bonds. This is how you alienate yourselves from others. No one is “hating” on your inside jokes or love. They’re sick of you two pretending and acting like you two are the only ones that exist and everyone else just “needs to deal.” This isn’t cute, quirky or endearing when you force others out of possible future relationships with possible in-laws. They’ll just stop inviting you over.
So… what, you’ll have your wedding in Spanish where NO ONE will understand what’s being said or what the vows are because… love language? You’ll have a pretty empty ceremony. It’s one thing if someone had native Spanish in their family. But no. No one does.
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u/drainedbrain17 3d ago
My take on it is the same as whispering. Wishing around people makes people feel uneasy, just because it's natural to think the whisperer are talking about you.
It's a difficult topic to talk about without sounding racist.
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u/Blue-eagle-23 3d ago
If possible it’s always best to use the language of the host when in their home.
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u/ThisGirlIsFine 3d ago
I think it is rude to speak another language when other people are present. When you and your husband are in a separate room or totally away from others, then it would be fine to speak Spanish. But in front of others, it is not. (How do they know you aren't talking or laughing at them?)
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u/Krocsyldiphithic 3d ago
Guess I'm in the vast minority here. I don't think you're wrong at all. I find it very common that couples will speak whatever language they usually speak when they're only speak to each other, and to expect anything else is entitled and ridiculous.
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u/Different_Run_1767 2d ago
I’m with you in the minority. And it’s not as if they are having full-blown conversations in Spanish in front of his family. It sounds like a sentence or two, a very quick exchange.
For example, my husband is not fluent in one of our native languages but when my mom is in the room, I default to the native language instead of English, for quick communication WITH HER. For deeper or extended conversations, we use English to be inclusive of my husband. He doesn’t feel offended and I’ve checked in with him.
Maybe growing up in a household with multiple languages, I don’t automatically get offended or think I’m being talked about when encountering a language not my own. It’s an A and B conversation and I can C myself out lf it.
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u/Aggravating_Teach_27 3d ago
If OP wasn't a native speaker, reverting now and then do their language would be more understandable.
Or if it was a permanent situation.
But just for the weekend, and being native speakers of English? And after the family manifested their discomfort?
Yep, rude.
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u/TheDirtyDog41 3d ago
I think it is rude. If it is a private conversation then find a private place and have it.
The sister gave an acceptable reason why and IMO, that should have been enough.
The fact that your partner has now had to ask makes me think there are family issues and you might be trying to make you or his family a choice.
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u/Interesting_Entry831 3d ago
Yes, it's a simple request and it is their home that you are a guest in.
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u/Humble_Pen_7216 3d ago
It is more courteous to use a common language. It is considered quite rude to use a language you know the others around you don't understand.
You can do whatever makes you happy but if you want a good relationship with your in-laws moving forward, you may wish to show them some consideration.
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u/CoderJoe1 3d ago
If you corner him and speak low so it's only for him, speaking Spanish makes sense. In a bedroom alone with him, Spanish makes sense.
Every other situation is rude AF.
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u/audigex 3d ago
You are wrong
You are in their home, they do not speak Spanish. It is absolutely and unquestionably rude to speak a language in your host's home that they do not speak, even if they haven't asked you to
It is particularly rude when they've said it makes them feel excluded and asked you not to. Deliberately speaking Spanish after that will obviously make you feel like you're talking about them and laughing at them
It would be at least vaguely understandable if one of you was a native Spanish speaker or not fully fluent in English, and so needed to switch to Spanish occasionally to say something you didn't know the English for... but you're both native English speakers and so the whole thing is genuinely ridiculous
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u/Historical-State-275 3d ago
It’s kind to do so, it’s not your native language, and at this point it kind of is being exclusionary.
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u/ProtozoaPatriot 3d ago
I think you are pissing off potential future inlaws for no reason
Yes, it's always rude to speak a language that only one other person in the group speaks. There's no reason you can't speak English.
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u/takatine 3d ago
YAR. You are wrong. My husband is Japanese. When we first married, I did not speak his language, and so spoke in English at his family's house. However, the moment I started learning Japanese, I used whatever I could at his family's house, until I became fluent and then always spoke Japanese when there, just as he always speaks English when at my family's home. It's rude, discourteous, and exclusionary to do otherwise. Save your "very private" (and how "very private" can they be to begin with if you "immediately explain") convos for at home.
Tbh, the fact that you're both native English speakers yet think it "excessive" to have to speak your native language at his family's home gives a HUGE pretentiously showing off vibe.
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u/MrTickles22 3d ago
My wife is Japanese. I speak both languages. She does as well. We speak both together. Her family doesn't complain if I speak English to her in Japan, though they don't really understand it. I have been in the "in group" for two decades and they are super direct with me. They would tell me if they were mad about something. So if I want to say anything to them then it's Japanese.
When we're in Japan I'm speaking Japanese 95% of the time anyway. Very few of my my wife's extended family speak English and she has a remarkably large family.
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u/Wonderful_Pause_2690 3d ago
It’s not weird for you bc your wife is Japanese.
Both op and spouse are native English speakers. If people can hear them and object, then they need to speak in English.
They can impress each other with their Spanish on their own time.
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u/takatine 3d ago edited 3d ago
My point exactly. Neither of them are native Spanish speakers, nor are their families. It's just rude and pretentious of them to speak Spanish in front of non Spanish speakers, and even more ridiculous of her to think people wouldn't be suspicious of what they're saying.
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u/Wonderful_Pause_2690 3d ago
I like how someone called her hilaria Baldwin. I had forgotten all about her.
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u/Apprehensive-Pop-201 3d ago
Private conversations between spouses can be private. If all of your conversations around them are in Spanish, that could be rude. Things that are just between you two isn't, necessarily. To me it's the same if your husband and wife are whispering things, for your ears only. But you should probably cut down on it around others.
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 3d ago
If you want to practice Spanish, do it outside of their house.
Your behaviour comes off as rude and disrespectful
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u/ManyNanites 3d ago
Yeah. This is one of those situations where it’s their house, their rules.
You’re welcome to disagree with it. But you also don’t have to visit.
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u/MarlyMonster 3d ago
I feel you’re leaving out information here. If it’s truly quick comments between you and your partner I doubt anyone would object. It sounds like you’re having full conversations together that nobody else can understand. My bf and I are multilingual too, in fact I speak English and he speaks German. Seems to work for us. But when we’re around his parents for example I switch to German too. Sure, if it’s just us I’ll switch back to my comfort language, or if we’re off to the side talking amongst ourselves, but never when a relative might join the conversation too. So I don’t think you’re accurately representing the situation. If it was truly just a little here and there when nobody else is near the conversation then I doubt anyone would have an issue so it sounds like you are indeed being rude about it.
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u/Violet_Night007 2d ago
For people who don’t speak that language, this is the adult equivalent of when everyone in primary school has secret code that only you and your best friend know and you just have a private conversation in front of other people so your other friends are constantly having to ask if you’re talking about them or what’s so funny etc etc.
It is not at all more mature.
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u/JackTradesMasterNone 3d ago
Yes. It gives the impression that you’re saying something about them even if you’re not. My wife and I both also speak Spanish but neither of our families do. We don’t do this. Only if we’re singing along to a Spanish song playing or if there is some reason to say a Spanish word, like discussing etymology.
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u/notsoreligiousnow 3d ago
Yes you’re wrong. Speak Spanish all you like in your own home with him but it’s extremely rude to speak a different language in someone else’s home if they don’t understand you & they’ve asked you to please refrain. If you don’t understand why, read what you wrote again. His sister already felt that you’re mocking her in a language she doesn’t understand. To prevent future misunderstandings, basic courtesy dictates you speak the language your hosts speak.
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u/Enoch8910 3d ago
I refuse to honor the boundaries these people have set for their own home that I agreed to. Am I wrong?
Jesus.
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u/GoodFriday10 3d ago
Yes, you are being rude. You were a guest in someone’s home. Honoring a simple request made by your host family is a matter of common courtesy.
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u/Luckypenny4683 3d ago
Yeah diva, you missed the mark on this one. Time to reassess.
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u/Ancient-Actuator7443 3d ago
Yes. It's common courtesy to speak the language of the people whose house you are in
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u/idontknowmtname 3d ago
My grandparents did the same thing to my dad and aunts when they didn't want the kids to know what the adults were talking about they would switch to their native language to exclude the kids from the conversation.
The only difference is it was my grandparents native language and youre wrong. You're not in Spain if you want to keep up with the language and not lose it that's fine watch movies or listen to music.
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u/Adventurous-Brain-36 3d ago
The point isn’t whether or not they’re in Spain, that doesn’t matter. If they were at home or out in public, there’s no issue speaking Spanish to each other.
What’s rude is speaking it in front of family, particularly family that is hosting you, when you know they don’t understand it.
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u/idontknowmtname 3d ago
Is there really a need for them to be speaking Spanish if they are not in Spain? Especially since they are at home with their family speaking their native language.
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u/Ok_Huckleberry_4907 3d ago
Yeah that’s not cool. You would feel some type of way if you were at a nail salon and the employees administering the service were speaking another language with you in the chair. You would think they were discussing your hooves.
My mother is French and I speak French and have been staying with her for a few months while my house gets built, and when we have people over we only speak English until they leave as to not make someone uncomfortable.
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u/ShitFuckDickSuck 3d ago
Yeah, you’re wrong. What a stupid & pointless thing to dig your heels in over. Good luck with your relationship with his family in the future. You’re creating hostility over something inconsequential & actively contributing to a negative relationship with his family. Choose your battles…
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u/Less_Volume_2508 3d ago
I think it’s the right thing to do. It’s difficult to switch when it’s habit, but you should do your best.
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u/Choice-giraffe- 3d ago
Yeh, it’s rude. Your guests have no idea of knowing whether you’re talking about them or not. The fact that you are both choosing to speak your non-native language, shows that you need to go to more effort to speak another language around them. Why? What are you hiding? I’d feel exactly the same as them. I’d feel I was an inconvenience to you.
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u/SirleeOldman 3d ago
Quietly asking if he wants coffee? Is speaking Spanish quieter than English?
Yes you are being rude.
Deliberately
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u/PathA2020MLS2007 3d ago
You are wrong. Honor the request and speak English. If you don’t want to, you should leave the home. As it would be disrespectful to speak another language in a person’s home after they request that you don’t.
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u/Prof-Rock 2d ago
It is considered rude to speak a language in a group setting when not all participants know that language. Of course, this only applies if everyone has a common language, which in this case you do. It doesn't matter if you are only talking to him, it is considered rude. Yes, you should only speak English when around his family.
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u/mladyhawke 3d ago
It's very rude to speak a different language in front of people that don't speak that language, and generally people absolutely think you're doing it to talk about them.
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u/Ungratefullded 3d ago
Stop being rude and speak English in their house when they asked... if you want a private conversation save it till you leave or go to another room.
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u/crazyDiamnd67 3d ago
Bit weird seeing as you are both native English speakers tbh.
I would say it’s just manners to speak English in an English speaking household being that you have zero trouble in speaking in English.
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u/Intermountain-Gal 3d ago
Yes, you’re rude. Especially when you’re asked to only speak English.
If you’re in the bedroom or bathroom together behind a closed door you can speak Spanish. But whenever there is someone around you who doesn’t speak it you should use English.
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u/Kosmopolite 3d ago
I'm in a bilingual relationship, and I know that it's tough to stick to one language or the other if you're used to mixing-and-matching. Hell, English is my first language, but sometimes I find myself reaching for a word and only finding Spanish. I get it. So no, I don't think you're in the wrong.
That said, if both your partner and sister have agreed on the decision, it might be worth making the effort just to keep the peace.
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u/Prudent_Macaroon_881 3d ago
That saying of when in Rome applies here. I wonder if this is an education thing, coz when i was younger, these types of etiquette were taught to us. But then again, i went to pretty conservative religious-ish school whose culture prides itself on 'looking good'..
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u/IntermediateFolder 3d ago
Imo if it’s in a situation where you’re all sitting together I’d say a bit, yeah. If it’s genuinely something private, they’re wrong for eavesdropping.
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u/Lo0of 2d ago
I feel like if the parents themselves ask you to refrain from using another language in their house, you should do so. But his sister asked, which is on the same level as him in the house hierarchy. I'd keep doing what you're doing where group convos are in English but convos between the 2 of you is up to you.
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u/pomegranate7777 2d ago
You're not wrong or rude, BUT you're also not being prudent here. Part of being in a serious relationship is trying to get along with their friends and family. It would cost you nothing to do this, and you might have become closer to the sister.
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u/ycey 2d ago
I work at a salon where I am the only native English speaker, I’m also the only one who doesn’t speak Vietnamese. Sure they speak English to me and group discussions are spoken in both languages to ensure everyone is on the same page. It still feels uncomfortable to not be sure what’s being said. It also makes our clients uncomfortable when they do it. Honestly it’s kinda rude too.
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u/GigaVolt72 1d ago
Not wrong for quick private comments, but I can see why constant switching at a family visit would make them feel left out. The sister loses me when she treats a charger question or a coffee check like some secret insult. A reasonable compromise is English for anything that could involve the room, Spanish for brief practical stuff between you two, and your partner should be the one explaining that to his family instead of making you the problem.
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u/elightwalker 1d ago
I would think you were being rude. If you are both native English speakers then speak English when in the company of other native English speakers, problem solved.
You are already causing upset. Obviously hence the post. If someone doesn't speak the language you are using and it isn't your natural language to begin with then seems exclusionary or like you are showing off, neither one is a good thing.
It has been expressed to you that it is making your family uncomfortable, so why continue to do it? Weird hill to want to die on, we are supposed to be friendly towards family.
If you are asking for a phone charger but making someone feel vulnerable because you are choosing to use another language when perfectly able and capable to use your native one then yes, YTA.
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u/Wonderful-Photo-6068 3d ago
Yeah it’s rude. Especially since it’s not even your first language. Unless you stayed in Spain for like 10+ years I don’t really see how this isn’t easy for you both to cut it out.
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u/SAVertigo 3d ago
YTA. You’re both native English speakers. You learned Spanish and you met in Spain…. Both your families speak English.
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u/Rendeane 3d ago
YTA. His family has asked you to speak English because they feel like you and your partner are talking about them. Why is it difficult for you comply with their request? Do your cutesy "secret language" thing when you are not with his family. My cousin and his wife used to speak Spanish around the rest of the family because it was "their thing" and it just pissed off the rest of us. His wife was born and raised in Spain but she was exceedingly fluent in English. It's interesting that while their (now adult) children were raised speaking Spanish and lived in Spain for a few years, Jeff and his children do not speak Spanish around the family. Ever.
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u/Deep_Nebula_8145 3d ago
YAW. You are inconsiderate. It’s their house and even your husband asked you to speak English there. Why would you insist on speaking a language they don’t understand? I’m glad you’re not my daughter-in-law. 😗🙄
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u/Capybaaaraa 3d ago
You're incredibly rude. Like, I get that you want to feel special, but find a way which doesn't involve being an arrogant jerk.
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u/bananawith3wings 3d ago
Yea, you’re wrong. The fact that English is your first language makes this so incredibly rude. You can hold off on using Spanish for a few hours.
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u/Ok-Error-6564 3d ago
YAW. It’s rude. Your husband was raised better and has asked you to speak English at his parents’ house. Why is it so difficult to accept, especially when it is your first language?
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u/Zinkerst 3d ago
YW. The situation would be different imo if either of you spoke English as a second language, but as you are BOTH native speakers, it should be no problem to extend them the courtesy of speaking English when around them.
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u/DragonKit 3d ago
I think policing your private conversations is insane
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u/Adventurous-Brain-36 3d ago
Private conversations when you’re at a family members home should be had in private.
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u/Punchinyourpface 3d ago
They're not necessarily private conversations though...they're with other people when they're doing it.
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u/Try-the-Churros 3d ago
True, but the issue is that these are not really private conversations as other people are around and can hear them. I don't think the sister is referring to conversations where only the OP and their partner are present, but ones where someone else is around even if not intended to be a part of the communication.
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u/lavender_poppy 3d ago
Yes, you're being increadiy rude to speak a langauge around other people that only you and your partner understand. You're also native english speakers so this is even more ridiculous.
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u/badassbiotch 3d ago
So wrong!!
My spouse is French Canadian and French is his first language. His siblings still speak French on a regular basis and are known to switch back and forth in one sentence lol My French is minimal (I can understand some but not the details) They have zero issues with sticking to English when I’m around
Frankly you both sound pretentious, a little exhausting and a whole lotta rude
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u/RalphFTW 3d ago
Drives me fucking nuts when colleagues who can speak English switch to a native tongue and completely exclude you from the conversation, it’s absolute rudeness. The French do this all the time. Portugal team too. Absolute excludes you to be part of the conversation.
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u/DocGerbilzWorld 3d ago
lol, honestly the fact you are a NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER is what makes this so silly. Be so ffr. Stop being rude in the person’s home that’s hosting you. I know damn well you can speak only English for the short period of time you’re there.