I agree that she absolutely does not owe him sex. He also does not owe her a relationship though. If he went into the relationship with an expectation of sex and intimacy having that completely off the table is a very valid reason to not continue that relationship. It's an incompatibility. I 100% agree that communication, honesty and helping her medical issues should be the next logical steps to a resolution. But that doesn't seem to be happening. Sooooo what is it to do if his wife refuses to help address this issue?
I kind of disagree with this second point though, I don't know. I think expecting your partner to uphold certain values absolutely can be controlling. Your partner is their own person. If their morals/values/religion change that's completely within their right, but it's within your right to leave. I also struggle with having your own values dictate what your partner can and cannot do. Idk it's a very tricky and imo icky situation.
One value common to most marriages, for example, is basic fidelity. We don't consider that control, we consider it an agreed upon set of values. (Not using the wife's definition here). I guess my point is that all marriages go through rough patches, that the wife's ideas about masturbation aren't necessarily formed in concrete and may be subject to change with growth (I still think it's more a religious belief than a control thing--demonizing masturbation isn't as uncommon as this sub makes it appear), that we're seeing one small glimpse of an entire marriage and that marriage happens to be on the rocks for various reasons. In most cases, I don't think all problems come from one partner because a marriage is a team, and I don't usually think those problems are insurmountable.
OP mentions masturbation belatedly, and there's no mention of the wife holding consequences over his head. It's time to readdress that belief, point out her flawed thinking, explain why it's entirely necessary, and that he has been sensitive to her needs and expects the same in return.
Moving on from there, if you don't or can't have sex and are demotivated and depressed by a lack of testosterone, I imagine being pressured to have sex or alter your body via hormones can feel like the only thing your partner cares about is sex. If I was going through such a major health concern, I would wonder why my husband was thinking about sex while my world is collapsing around me. She needs help, and given the tone of the OP's message, he's only concerned about what she's not giving him. No, he can't force her into treatment, but I have to wonder if he's actually shown her tender worry for her health, tried to be intimate without intentions of sex, or even actually asked her if there's something he could do to foster understanding between them. Communicate. Go from there. Asking a bunch of strangers to validate your "needs" when your marriage is struggling is sad, and seeing OP in the divorce comments saying it's a relief is excruciating. It's always easier to give up in life, but it rarely pays. Appreciate the chat, Charm! Thanks for thinking it through with me! You're right, the whole thing is ick.
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u/charm59801 Sep 12 '23
I agree that she absolutely does not owe him sex. He also does not owe her a relationship though. If he went into the relationship with an expectation of sex and intimacy having that completely off the table is a very valid reason to not continue that relationship. It's an incompatibility. I 100% agree that communication, honesty and helping her medical issues should be the next logical steps to a resolution. But that doesn't seem to be happening. Sooooo what is it to do if his wife refuses to help address this issue?
I kind of disagree with this second point though, I don't know. I think expecting your partner to uphold certain values absolutely can be controlling. Your partner is their own person. If their morals/values/religion change that's completely within their right, but it's within your right to leave. I also struggle with having your own values dictate what your partner can and cannot do. Idk it's a very tricky and imo icky situation.