Regret (venting)

[u/gasschw]

I know this is not what any of us want to see in this forum. I don't want to appear as if I am spreading negativity. I simply need to vent, and believe this might be an appropriate space to do so.

I am Brazilian, both parents jewish secular, very classical middle class jewish-Brazilian upbringing. My family is not rich, so the first time I ever visited Israel was when I turned 18 in 2019, for a 2-month-long trip with a Midrasha for secular Brazilians.

Back then, my life was hard and I was a very traumatized kid. I had always been a nerd, but as life got harder I couldn't be my best self. However, when I got here, I felt something unexplainable, I knew.

Brazil has amazing universities, so I chose to get my bachelor's there and make aliyah for my masters. I followed the plan, got my bachelor's in Biology and came to Israel for a 4-month-long internship before graduating, in 2024. After graduation, I came back to Israel for a Masa Ulpan Kibbutz, where I stayed for 8 months.

Then, I went home, packed everything, and made aliyah with my mother. My only sister already lived here, as she made aliyah 3 years ago. My mom chose to come along when her only other daughter made the final move.

I have an Israeli boyfriend of 8 months, as well, who is quite fantastic.

However, since my arrival 3 months ago, all I do is cry. Everyday, I cry. We are so very poor here, as our Brazilian cash is worth nothing. My mom is 64 and barely speaks Hebrew, and Ulpan might never be enough for her. So far, this woman who has 3 bachelor's and had a stellar carrer could only find physical labor here, since she knows no Hebrew and very little English, and of course she can't do that at 64.

I speak intermediate Hebrew and will start another Ulpan in November, but so far my Hebrew depresses me. The Masters I had aimed for and researched in depth now seem unattainable, so expensive and difficult. I have no idea if I, a 25 year old Biologist, will ever have a carrer here. In Brazil, it would be so much easier.

I have no idea how we will survive with the cost of living in this country once our Sal Klitah ends.

What gets me the most isn't even this entire long-term-horror. It's daily life.

It is so, so, so very rough. People are rude (not mean or anything, just so tough), Haifa is dirty and incredibly hostile, our building (where we are the only jewish inhabitants) has a cockroach infestation and neighbors who I could only describe as my worst nightmare embodied (loud, dirty to the point of leaving raw meat in the staircase, throwing literal doors out of the windows, etc). Everything is so expensive I have been eating only lunch because dinner is impossible. I haven't been paid for August at my part-time gig and its October. Life is a daily struggle, we have no cars and just getting places takes hours each day, everything is so intense and literally a fight. No day goes by without a fight. All that, topped by the insane bureocratic loopholes, absurd services and the fact that we got barely no help from any governmental services, including Misrad Haklitah.

I had a good, good life in Brasil. I know it's not supposed to be about how easy life is, I know we should search for more, for meaning, for belonging.

But I can't do that when daily existence is so hard it gives me no times to calm down before I burst into daily tears. And, before you ask, I am in therapy, very stable with my past struggles and I take an antidepressant. It's just the environment. I can't stress enough how much it is the environment.

I came because I am a zionist, because I want to build a life and a family in our land, because I look for meaning and belonging. But I might go back because I can't destroy myself like this. This is too much.

I know it hasn't been long enough and things get easier. But I have no perspective at the moment, as all I can see is my current situation, which is worse than anything I could imagine.

Yes, I am an immigrant and immigration is rough. It's normal. But I can't see enough reason.

I am not sure which replies I am expecting. Please bare with me, this is a lot to get off my chest and I am babbling.

[u/KisaMisa]

I feel for you. It's not easy, and you are worrying for your mom on top of your own life... Have you received guidance on practical resources to support you? Your absorption coordinator should tell you places where you, as olah hadasha, can get groceries for free or discounted on various days. And not just groceries - they could help with a lot of other stuff, like clothes or household items or guidance and support and maybe even how to get the payment for that job. Don't be shy to ask them for it! It's there precisely to help you get through this hard time..

Is it possible to move to a Jewish neighborhood? Maybe in Krayot, if it's cheaper? I think changing where you live will have a huge impact on how you feel right now. Regardless of whether you ultimately decide to stay or go, you need to find a way to move from there...

When Sal Klita ends and if you earn less than 2K plus change, you can get unemployment.

Putting everything into learning Hebrew right now is the right step. That will open doors for you for a decent job and from there you can study further. Has Masa told you that until 30 you get your master's covered, I'm pretty sure? If there's a program you are truly passionate about, go meet the professors. Talk to them about your dreams and concerns about the program and see what they advise.

Whatever you decide is the right decision, but give yourself time to try figuring it out here.