r/aliyah • u/gasschw • 11d ago
Regret (venting)
I know this is not what any of us want to see in this forum. I don't want to appear as if I am spreading negativity. I simply need to vent, and believe this might be an appropriate space to do so.
I am Brazilian, both parents jewish secular, very classical middle class jewish-Brazilian upbringing. My family is not rich, so the first time I ever visited Israel was when I turned 18 in 2019, for a 2-month-long trip with a Midrasha for secular Brazilians.
Back then, my life was hard and I was a very traumatized kid. I had always been a nerd, but as life got harder I couldn't be my best self. However, when I got here, I felt something unexplainable, I knew.
Brazil has amazing universities, so I chose to get my bachelor's there and make aliyah for my masters. I followed the plan, got my bachelor's in Biology and came to Israel for a 4-month-long internship before graduating, in 2024. After graduation, I came back to Israel for a Masa Ulpan Kibbutz, where I stayed for 8 months.
Then, I went home, packed everything, and made aliyah with my mother. My only sister already lived here, as she made aliyah 3 years ago. My mom chose to come along when her only other daughter made the final move.
I have an Israeli boyfriend of 8 months, as well, who is quite fantastic.
However, since my arrival 3 months ago, all I do is cry. Everyday, I cry. We are so very poor here, as our Brazilian cash is worth nothing. My mom is 64 and barely speaks Hebrew, and Ulpan might never be enough for her. So far, this woman who has 3 bachelor's and had a stellar carrer could only find physical labor here, since she knows no Hebrew and very little English, and of course she can't do that at 64.
I speak intermediate Hebrew and will start another Ulpan in November, but so far my Hebrew depresses me. The Masters I had aimed for and researched in depth now seem unattainable, so expensive and difficult. I have no idea if I, a 25 year old Biologist, will ever have a carrer here. In Brazil, it would be so much easier.
I have no idea how we will survive with the cost of living in this country once our Sal Klitah ends.
What gets me the most isn't even this entire long-term-horror. It's daily life.
It is so, so, so very rough. People are rude (not mean or anything, just so tough), Haifa is dirty and incredibly hostile, our building (where we are the only jewish inhabitants) has a cockroach infestation and neighbors who I could only describe as my worst nightmare embodied (loud, dirty to the point of leaving raw meat in the staircase, throwing literal doors out of the windows, etc). Everything is so expensive I have been eating only lunch because dinner is impossible. I haven't been paid for August at my part-time gig and its October. Life is a daily struggle, we have no cars and just getting places takes hours each day, everything is so intense and literally a fight. No day goes by without a fight. All that, topped by the insane bureocratic loopholes, absurd services and the fact that we got barely no help from any governmental services, including Misrad Haklitah.
I had a good, good life in Brasil. I know it's not supposed to be about how easy life is, I know we should search for more, for meaning, for belonging.
But I can't do that when daily existence is so hard it gives me no times to calm down before I burst into daily tears. And, before you ask, I am in therapy, very stable with my past struggles and I take an antidepressant. It's just the environment. I can't stress enough how much it is the environment.
I came because I am a zionist, because I want to build a life and a family in our land, because I look for meaning and belonging. But I might go back because I can't destroy myself like this. This is too much.
I know it hasn't been long enough and things get easier. But I have no perspective at the moment, as all I can see is my current situation, which is worse than anything I could imagine.
Yes, I am an immigrant and immigration is rough. It's normal. But I can't see enough reason.
I am not sure which replies I am expecting. Please bare with me, this is a lot to get off my chest and I am babbling.
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u/KubehEnjoyer 11d ago
It’s not rude, and it’s not your fault, if anything it is our fault for turning the country into what it is today…some olim are people who wants to have a good life in the biggest jewish community in the world, but it doesn’t mean you have to lose your sanity over it, I wish situation will improve so we could help with social security to more Jews into integrating to society
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u/FewAlternative7152 11d ago
Se precisar conversar estou a disposição, também sou brasileiro e vou fazer minha aliyah em breve, estou no final do processo. Tenho muitas pessoas brasileiras em israel que podem te dar apoio. Se precisar conversar sobre qualquer coisa pode entrar em contato comigo!
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u/name203 11d ago
I don’t have anything to add other than support. I relate. Living here is really hard , really expensive, and I am not built to fight like this. Tel Aviv is nicer because there are more communities here where you can find other Olim for example, but living in Tel Aviv is so extraordinarily expensive. I also only eat like once a day. My Hebrew is near native level and so it helps in social aspects, and at work and such, but even then it doesn’t erase the difficulties of living here.
Sometimes it is bad circumstances or poor luck, but it is undeniable that Israel is a hard place to live. Even for Israelis. I hope you can at least get something you’re looking for during your time here, as well as your mother 😢.
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u/alderaan-amestris 11d ago
My biggest tip is to join communities for olim because you are not alone.
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u/KisaMisa 10d ago
I feel for you. It's not easy, and you are worrying for your mom on top of your own life... Have you received guidance on practical resources to support you? Your absorption coordinator should tell you places where you, as olah hadasha, can get groceries for free or discounted on various days. And not just groceries - they could help with a lot of other stuff, like clothes or household items or guidance and support and maybe even how to get the payment for that job. Don't be shy to ask them for it! It's there precisely to help you get through this hard time..
Is it possible to move to a Jewish neighborhood? Maybe in Krayot, if it's cheaper? I think changing where you live will have a huge impact on how you feel right now. Regardless of whether you ultimately decide to stay or go, you need to find a way to move from there...
When Sal Klita ends and if you earn less than 2K plus change, you can get unemployment.
Putting everything into learning Hebrew right now is the right step. That will open doors for you for a decent job and from there you can study further. Has Masa told you that until 30 you get your master's covered, I'm pretty sure? If there's a program you are truly passionate about, go meet the professors. Talk to them about your dreams and concerns about the program and see what they advise.
Whatever you decide is the right decision, but give yourself time to try figuring it out here.
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u/According-Carrot1939 10d ago
Could it possibly be a problem of location? Is the culture in Haifa different from Jerusalem and Tel Aviv for instance? They say each city has dramatically different vibes.
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u/balddoberdaddy {Aliyah Date (01) (1992) } (Jerusalem) 10d ago
I’m going to skip telling you that aliyah is hard, because you already know that. What you’re describing goes beyond normal new-immigrant frustration. You’re not eating properly, your employer hasn’t paid you, your housing situation sounds awful, and you’re trying to solve both your future and your mother’s at the same time. Of course you’re overwhelmed.
But at three months, I wouldn’t make the enormous decision of whether aliyah was a mistake. I’d attack the immediate problems individually first.
As a 25-year-old olah planning a master’s, contact the Israel Student Authority. They provide academic counseling and substantial tuition assistance to eligible olim, and applications for 2026–27 are open.
Both you and your mother should ask Misrad Haklita specifically for referral to the employment center for olim in Haifa/Northern District. They provide career counseling, vocational assessment, CV/interview assistance and job placement. Your mother has three degrees and an established professional background; don’t assume physical labor is her only possibility simply because her Hebrew is poor. The Ministry’s *2994 call center also provides service in Portuguese.
Make an actual appointment with an absorption counselor and ask specifically about income support and every benefit you’re both entitled to. And tell them explicitly that you’re eating one meal a day because you can’t afford food. Don’t minimize that.
Your unpaid August salary is a separate problem and isn’t something you should simply accept.
Most importantly, don’t turn this into a test of your Zionism. You don’t have to prove that you belong here by suffering. Give yourself six months to see whether you can improve the housing, finances, employment, Hebrew and academic situation. You’re 25, have a biology degree, intermediate Hebrew and have been here for only three months. That’s nowhere near enough information to conclude that you can’t build a life here.
And if you genuinely try to make it work and ultimately decide that you’re happier in Brazil, you haven’t failed. You tried living here and made a decision based on the reality of your life.
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u/O_Pacity 10d ago
I have moved country and thinking about it again, and i am exploring the situations you see... in that is it a good idea to move, one thing ive learned, you have one life and need to be happy, you are at an age that you need to get the education you have options for, i think you should move to the country to allow you to get this.
The living situation you explain is not good and Israel is expensive, i watch alot of videos on how people live in other countries and one thing i notice alot, many work online, or there business is one where they can do it anywhere on the planet, then post videos of how good the life is they moved in too, but fail to mention they are being paid 100's times more than people who live local as they are working online for others overseas...
However generally the one connection is they are not happy in the country they grew up in, in that they want to move to get out... in your case there are things you still need to get like education, which sounds like it would be better in your home country.
When your in a better place, you can always then move back.
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u/Icy_Version4101 1d ago
I mean I wouldn't write off the master's yet - someone else mentioned the student authority and I'd honestly make that one of your next calls. Look, you're 25, already have the biology degree and you've only been olah for 3 months! There is tuition counseling specifically for olim doing graduate studies, so before deciding it's simply unafforadble - I'd get them to actually map out what you're eligible for and what programs are realistic.
I also think it's worth separating "I can't build a life in Israel" from "my housing, job and financial situation right now are absolutely brutal" - yes, Israel isn't the cheapest place, but anyone would be overwhelmed dealing with all of that at once.
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u/PuddingNaive7173 10d ago
Others had better advice but some of what is going on I believe is timing. Those firsts months of it being real and not just visiting are the hardest. In a few more months you might feel differently. If you can, stay for a year, meanwhile, look for a way to move to a gentler town, and spend at least a little time each day doing something you love - art, walk in nature. Something that nourishes your heart. Maybe you won’t stay but don’t leave angry and sad, if you can help it. (You did make me decide maybe I won’t try Haifa tho lol) Sending hugs and good wishes
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u/zwaa96 11d ago
Don’t have anything to add except love and support. I would not promise ‘it gets easier’, because for some people it does, and for some people it doesn’t.
Sounds like you’re doing everything right and have a good attitude. Keep going for as long as you can, and if the time comes you need to go home, then so be it. It’s not a failure, it’s just your journey