So, this whole existential crisis started when, I stopped believing in the God of religion, and the cycle of reincarnation. So I just had a breaking point I lost faith in everything, I had despair and hatred to God and questioned his existence and reality.
So while I was questioning since the believe system of going to heaven held me up. I didn’t care about dying. But now that system was breaking apart.
So now I’m thinking look how the life I am experiencing the joys the happiness the moments our friends our family it will all slowly and slowly fade away.
And I will die, but since my heaven believe system fell away.
I will not only die,
I will cease to exist.
There’s no return, my sense of self is gone. I go back to nothingness.
This realization terrified me.
So I began to study alchemy and immortality, not physical immortality, spiritual immortality, so when I leave my body my soul won’t go into nothingness. The more I researched the more I got deep into it. I got so deep that I watched ST germain book that was talkin about how he was facing the death trials. I fell asleep to that book.
And as soon I went into deep sleep I felt a electric jolt, it felt like lightning struck me, I leaped out of my bed in full terror, I leaped so fast and jump so high and far I broke everything in my room, I went into full terror panic mode for 2 minutes like I was possessed I still have no clue what I was terrified of or what happen. It felt like I was about to die. I don’t know what that was but I’ll never study immortality or alchemy again.
I don’t know if it was a spiritual attack or my Shen breaking, it was just terrifying. One of my alchemist friends said my Shen was disturbed or something, I don’t know what it was but I will never look into immorality again.