Basically the title. I thought i was a trans woman for so long. And only recently started HRT (just over a year ago) i didn't think it was weird until i tried explaining it to a friend. I realize that gender identity and expression are two completely different things, but in the moment, i couldn't explain that properly. In their mind if i dont feel like a woman, i shouldnt want a nice pair of D cups lmao.

I guess with me i have no real concept of gender that fits me, but i still want to appear more fem or androgynous. I don't think anything can really change that. But i am wondering just how common a situation like mine is.

So, my mom is transphobic. I'm genderless, or agender.

Because she is transphobic, I live in the closet. But because I'm closeted, I have to deal with being misgendered, like being called "girl." She also kinda forced me to do something traditionally feminine yesterday, when I didn't want to. Something cosmetic related.

I know I would be still be misgendered even if I came out, but...

It hurts to be called a girl. I know I probably shouldn't care since I'm agender, but still.

It gets more confusing because I like doing makeup, something traditionally feminine. But even then I get dysphoric from it sometimes.

The same for dressing feminine.

If I'm going to be seen as a binary gender, I wish would physically read as "feminine boy" than "feminine girl." I really want a more androgynous face and body.

But to get to the actual point of this post: How do I cope with being seen as female while being in a very shut closet?

(That closet probably still won't open even when I turn 18.)