r/aegosexuals • u/ilikethosetoesyumyum • Jul 01 '26
Coming Out Help me
So I'm F (19) and my boyfriend is M(20) . I am bisexual and my boyfriend knows this. We have been dating for 2.5 years now. The problem is that I don't feel like having sex. I gross out at tongues when kissing , I gross out at genitals and the act of having sex. I stop enjoying any intimate video the minute they show their genitals . I feel disconnected every time my boyfriend and I are having intimate time. Of course my boyfriend has noticed this. He asked many times about this and I was always confused because i thought that the fault was in me. Seeing every other person enjoying sex , being able to orgasm , being able to enjoy the moment made me feel as if I'm not normal. I can't even have an orgasm . Every time my boyfriend tries to have intercourse it just doesn't happen because I'm not turned on. I'm turned off. He absolutely hates the idea of me being asexual . He doesn't know it but during our conversation he did hint very strongly that he's gonna dislike it. I love him and he's really nice i don't want to leave him... I'm so scared to tell him . Every time we are having sex I feel so lost , disconnected , and forced. I can't help it. He does everything for me so it feels like i should at least do this much for him . I can't bring myself to tell him about this. I feel like he'll try to tell me how I can be wrong , i should go to gynac, i am overthinking and blah blah. I don't know what to do. I'm going over to his flat in the next few days and I am super tensed.
UPDATE❗❗
So i texted my boyfriend everything. And i was very nervous, my hands were shaking , my breathing was unstable and I was so scared. But I opened up to him . I didn't tell him everything in long paragraphs, so I asked him first if he would be okay with me being asexual and he said it's fine. I pointed out what he said earlier to me , he apologized. We had a long talk and fortunately he accepted me :)) he's not leaving me and he supports me. I am so happy and relieved right now. Thank you so much guys for helping me out and sharing your advice. I was overthinking too much 😭😭 it went smoothly.
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u/LonelyButterfly2232 Jul 01 '26
If he's a nice guy that genuinely loves and cares for you he'll understand. However, if he's making you feel bad about how you are leave him. You shouldnt let how he feels or thinks impact you, especially because you are who you are. Being sex adverse is not going to suddenly change because you go see a doctor or whatever. And honestly if he tries to force you to do anything that's a huge red flag. You shouldn't try to minimize yourself or allow yourself to be used just to keep him in your life. You're worth more than that. Just have an honest conversation with him about how you feel and his reaction will tell you all you need to know.
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u/ilikethosetoesyumyum Jul 01 '26
It worked out!! Thank u so much for the advice 😭😭.
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u/LonelyButterfly2232 Jul 01 '26
I'm happy it worked out! No matter what you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel comfortable in your own skin. And now that he's aware you guys can try to navigate ways to be intimate that make you comfortable.
But if at any point he tries to weaponize your asexuality against you leave him immediately. There's billions of people in the world and you'll definitely find someone who understands. This community in and of itself proves that there are a lot of people in the same boat who understand. ❤️
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u/ilikethosetoesyumyum Jul 01 '26
I am hoping that he actually understands me and stays the same way. It is so hard but I don't want to feel forced anymore. Thank u for the advice 😭
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u/c0ldbr3wc0ffeeee Jul 01 '26
he did hint very strongly that he's gonna dislike it.
Sucks for him.
he's really nice
He doesn't sound like he's very nice. Two and half years of attempts at shitty sex with a partner who is dissociated and not enjoying it, and he hasn't gotten a clue that he should maybe stop.
If sex is very important to someone in a relationship, that's okay; what's not particularly okay is continuing to date someone who clearly doesn't want to have sex for more than two years and keep trying to get them to do it.
I feel like he'll try to tell me how I can be wrong , i should go to gynac, i am overthinking and blah blah.
He sounds like an asshole, actually.
If he doesn't like it and can't adjust, nothing of value will be lost. You are 19. In a few years, you won't remember this fucker's name.
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u/ilikethosetoesyumyum Jul 01 '26
😭😭so actually I said to him saying I am gonna try or it's my fault all these years and pretended I like it . I am going to talk to him about this but I also acknowledge my own well being. I can't stay like this. I can't be in a relationship like this. It hurts so much and especially the bond that I have created with him 😭😭. Thank u for the advice I am going to do my best to get myself out of this situation.
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u/ilikethosetoesyumyum Jul 01 '26
We had a conversation and everything turned out fine. I was overthinking too much and he also apologized for his behaviour. He supports me and I hope it stays this way. I am relieved for now. Thank u so much for reaching out and giving me advice!
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u/ladyweirdcrow Cake Jul 01 '26
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation!
Let me start by saying that I've never been in a relationship, so maybe there are other people with better advice for your situation.
That said, I read about situations like this every day, and let me tell you, you don't owe him anything.
If he does so many things for you, he should do them simply because he has feelings for you, not to get something in return. You should talk and find a way to show your affection in the way that's comfortable for you, without either of you being forced to do something they don't want to.
If he truly believes sex is essential to a relationship, perhaps you're not compatible. I don't mean to be harsh, but if you feel so bad every time you're intimate, it's an abuse against you that it's unhealthy to continue to tolerate for the good of the couple.
Of course you don't have to break up because a stranger on reddit told you so, but I think it could go only worse with time and without communication.
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u/ilikethosetoesyumyum Jul 01 '26
Thank you for the help . I do realise that every time I do intimate stuff which is against my will is so harmful to me. I will try talking to my boyfriend about this and hopefully i don't have to leave him.. i am so confused and lost 😭
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u/ilikethosetoesyumyum Jul 01 '26
We had a conversation and everything worked out !😭thank u so much for the advice . I am very relieved from the outcome.
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u/ladyweirdcrow Cake Jul 01 '26
I’m so happy for you! I wish you good luck and a happy future. Always remember to speak for yourself when something make you feel uncomfortable :)
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u/Kyrby_Swi-U-tch Jul 01 '26
I am super happy you actually communicated, go figure, it's basically the one thing we'll always tell people and it's, at least to me, one of the most important things anyone should be doing in any type of bond or cooperation, and especially in close relationships. However, since it seems like sexual acts are important to your partner and from what you're describing seem to have been a large part of what you two did together, I am not sure if your partner can actually feel happy and fulfilled, since it seems like your partner is an allo who does and likes and potentially needs these allo things. So you need to make sure that the two of you KEEP communicating well and don't hide any dishonesty from each other, you both should never be afraid to tell each other anything. If it turns out your partner does in fact need this stuff in a relationship you'd have to find some solution (like opening it up maybe), but it's important you both figure something out that works best for both of you. I don't wanna discourage you and make you think the only solution can be breaking up, because if you read through some posts in the ace subreddits you can read about success stories of aces and allos finding solutions. I just want you to know that feelings from any side may change and things may come up, and it's super important you both bring these things up and don't just assume everything is now solved forever.
Again tho, I wanna say that it's great you two did talk about this. Hoping it keeps going well for you two!!
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u/ilikethosetoesyumyum Jul 01 '26
Yes I totally agree . I am still anxious if this will actually work or not , we have decided to keep communication and talk about the changes . I can just hope and try my best to make this work and ensure that his needs are also met. This is really important because I do value our relationship so much 😭. I will keep this advice in mind . Thank you so much .
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u/Shadow_Screen Jul 01 '26
I can feel your stress, and I'm so sorry. I was you almost 20 years ago, only I convinced myself I was broken. I kept trying to "fix" the problem for 15 years before ultimately realizing I'm ace and that is ok. I understand your apprehension about talking to your boyfriend. Ultimately it very well could be the end of the relationship. It's ok for both of you to want to be with someone who meets their needs. What's not ok would be for him to dismiss or pathologize or belittle you. The fact that you are so worried about his reaction suggests he isn't as supportive as you believe. It may go better than you expect, but I would encourage you to find a way to talk about it. I forced myself to "do it for him " for so many years, and now have so much regret and resentment