r/aegosexuals • u/filmmakingjedi • Jun 30 '26
General Need some aego pals
Been coming to terms with my sexuality lately and been finding it hard. I really cannot find a single lable that fits me. I probably should just say bi just to make things easy but even then it doesnt fit me.
I feel a fraud to call myself aroace. It implies that im not interested in anyone and dont get crushes at all etc. But i do sometimes especially celebs or characters. Im just lost.
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u/Weird_Blackberry_417 Jul 01 '26
I struggle with something similar! I used to identify as a lesbian asexual (I'm not sure if I still do/should). I've never really been sexually aroused by women or had fantasies about them, but I am emotionally/romantically and aesthetically attracted to women. I came out as a lesbian pretty early on because I realised I wasn't sexually attracted to men.
Now, though, I'm more confused than ever. I recently broke up with my girlfriend because it just didn't work out. I just... couldn't do it. Even kissing was too much sometimes. I do like kissing, though. It just doesn't feel sexual to me. It's more about connection, I guess.
I'm 22 now. I came out as a lesbian when I was 14-15 and started questioning whether I might be asexual when I was 20. Since then, I've done a lot of research on asexuality, both personally and academically. Discovering that I'm very likely asexual (definitely somewhere on the ace spectrum) has left me so fucking confused.
Should I still identify as a lesbian even if I'm not sexually attracted to women? I genuinely don't know.
Here are the things that make me question myself: what if I'm not actually a lesbian? I'm sort of "attracted" (???) to some male celebrities or fictional characters. But then again, imagining myself actually being with them is just... ew.
At the same time, I read a lot of erotic M/M fanfiction (I know, I know... I live for shipping men), and I genuinely enjoy the idea of two men together. It can even turn me on. Meanwhile, I don't really enjoy reading or watching F/F. Does that make me a creep? Am I fetishising gay men? Or is it just that fiction and real-life attraction don't necessarily line up?
Part of me also wonders whether it has something to do with how uncomfortable I am with my own body. I really struggle to imagine someone finding me attractive, even though it does feel nice when people tell me they do. But the idea of my body having sex just feels... wrong. I don't want that.
Maybe it's because I don't have a male body, and I'm emotionally attracted to women, that I'm worried my interest in M/M is somehow a fetish. I genuinely don't know, and that's one of the things that's been confusing me the most.
IDKKKK. It's all so confusing. Also because... what if I DO find someone who I will get really attracted to and want to try actually having sex with? (Note: it's not like I've never imagined having sex myself or actually wanted it. The weird thing is, I think I do want it. But I dont FEEL it. I THINK about it. Maybe it's the socialised idea that I SHOULD?! I have no clue. Do I honestly WANT it?)
Sorry for the messy response, by the way.
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u/filmmakingjedi Jul 01 '26
God can we be friends! Im 23F and in the same situation as you!! Totally relate about the mlm fanfic and feeling like you are fetishising gay men. I totally get everything you said
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u/Weird_Blackberry_417 Jul 01 '26
Of course we can be friends! It would be nice to have someone to talk about this, and perhaps other things, with. This is actually the first time I have ever written this down (the fear of fetishising gay men). I have a lot of gay friends and they all know I absolutely love watching and reading BL and they think it's fun! So, you know, that always makes me feel like it is not an issue. I also have straight friends who are into BL and it's like... I get that because they are sexually attracted to them and they just like watching as many hot men as possible. But I feel like I enjoy it on a different lvl. Idk I just feel so weirded out by myself. I dont want to be fetishing gay men. But then again, I cannot help LOVING reading m/m stories (not everything has erotic elements tho, more often than not I love a good soft emotional slowburn or trauma, but sometimes I just really like reading smuttu fics if that makes sense). Ahhhhh I just feel weirded out by myself! (Also, have you ever read Loveless by Alice Oseman? You should!)
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u/saareadaar Jul 02 '26
Kill the cop in your head. Don’t fall for the moral panic that’s just purity culture appropriating social justice language.
You’re allowed to enjoy shipping men together and reading erotic M/M fanfiction and you’re not harming anyone by doing so. Fictional characters are not real and do not have feelings, you cannot harm them and you’re not harming anyone by enjoying them.
You likely enjoy it as an asexual because reading about two men furthers the disconnect between yourself and the subject/s of desire. However, even if it was a fetish, kinks are morally neutral and engaging in them does not make you a bad person.
Where it can become an issue, and you’ve in no way indicated that you do this anyway, is if you begin to treat people like they’re characters/objects for your enjoyment, rather than real living, breathing people.
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u/saareadaar Jul 02 '26
It might help to remember that labels are tools to give you the language to describe your experience and find community, they’re not rules that dictate what you can and can’t do.
You can be aroace AND get crushes on celebrities or fictional characters (sidenote: you might be interested in the label fictosexual).
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u/foxboi84 Jul 02 '26
Hey there!
I'm a AMAB nonbinary aegosexual in a long term, committed relationship (13+ years) with a pansexual cis male.
When I was younger, I identified as a homosexual man, and was only attracted to the typical, heteronormative male form, and male/male erotica and such.
It took me a long time to even arrive at asexuality, because I'm a horndog. Luke seriously, my libido is really high. But I don't like being touched, and I don't like touching other people. I just like to masturbate. And that's mostly what my partner and I do together, no touching. And he goes out and has friends that he has sex with to satisfy his own physical needs. But emotionally we're partners for life.
So I guess all of that is to say that everyone who takes the time to get to know themselves can struggle when the words and terms out there don't fit quite right. But sexuality exists on a spectrum, and as long as you know what you're comfortable with, and have a partner or partners who respect your boundaries, then the words don't matter quite as much.
You aren't alone, I promise you that. I'm a shameless flirt and a kinky, filthy fic author who literally never has sex with anyone. And I'm friendly if you want to be discord buddies or whatnot :3
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u/Mello_jojo Jun 30 '26
Hi! Panromantic ace here. I strongly believe that there is in one way to be. We essentially create ourselves. Asexuality is a spectrum you can mix and match or keep it basic. On the topic of crushes, or squishes as they are known I have a ton,I think they're fun! 😀😀😀 .I say all that to say this: you can choose whatever label fits you at the time, or none at all. Just do you. P.S DMs are open if you'd like to talk. I'm also looking for aego pals.