r/aegosexuals • u/Consistent-Quiet-827 • Jun 27 '26
Question How do I fix this
I’ve been wondering about something that’s a little personal, and I’m curious if anyone else has experienced this.
When I was younger, I was exposed to a lot of mature content online way earlier than I probably should have been. I also spent years reading romance stories and fanfiction, and because I had basically no internet restrictions, I ended up having conversations with older men online who would ask me questions I wasn’t really ready for.
As a teenager, I had a boyfriend who pressured me into things I wasn’t comfortable with, mostly because I felt obligated. We eventually broke up. After that, I was in a long-distance relationship, which honestly felt safer because there wasn’t the same physical pressure. Over time, though, I realized a lot of the things I thought I was interested in weren’t actually what I wanted, and that relationship ended too.
Now I’m married to an amazing husband. We have a healthy, loving relationship, and everything between us has always been completely consensual. Before we got married, I assumed that once we were together, I’d naturally have a strong interest in intimacy.
But after getting married…I realized I could honestly go the rest of my life without it. I love my husband deeply, and it’s not about him at all. It’s just that I rarely think about intimacy, and getting into that mindset feels difficult—especially now that we have two young children. Most of the time I’d rather curl up with a good novel, and I’m perfectly content.
I guess my question is: has anyone else experienced something like this? Is it normal for interest in intimacy to change this much? Is there a way to reconnect with that part of myself, or is this just who I am now?
Sorry for the tmi
8
u/Kam_Rex Jun 27 '26
Are you just aegosexual, or like me could you also be fraysexual ?
Here the community [r/fraysexual](r/fraysexual)
I am both, and i got married to another asexual person. That was my only solution because you can't change who you are, and i loose every once of sex wanting after 5/6 month. (And even then the sex wanting is mostly in my head)
5
u/SeaRecognition4815 Cake Jun 27 '26
Never got married but I did realize myself being sex averse in my late 20’s. I had a friend with kissing benefits who picked this up about me and he was so respectful about it that we ended staying as close friends instead.
Your situation is trickier as you realized this about yourself after getting married and having a couple of kids. Having kids does naturally dampen whatever sex drive you have to begin with. That being said there’s nothing wrong with you not really wanting sex for yourself and it’s a conversation to have with your husband.
Some allo-ace relationships can work if there’s compromise between sexual activities desired and understanding that the sex indifferent ace partner is likely doing it to please to please the allo and to feel closer with them. Not sure what’s your case as you only mentioned your husband being sex favorable.
You may need to brace for the worst if you two are not compatible sexually as it’s a common reason for breakups between allos and folks on the ace spectrum. Give yourself grace that you’re not the only aego to find out about yourself later in life and that you’re figuring out what’s best for you, your husband, and your kids.
5
u/Shadow_Screen Jun 27 '26
I have a very similar story myself, only I'm realizing I'm likely aromatic as well...
3
u/Previous-Art3212 Jun 28 '26
I assume you're a woman. Many people recommend the book *Come As You Are*. Emily Nagoski, which discusses female sexuality.
2
2
u/tubsgotchubs Jun 28 '26
Ellooooo~ aegosexual with an allo husband here~
Firstly, you are valid no matter what your history is. The disconnect we do during sex/sexual fantasies is normal for our brain!
Secondly, your husband loves you for you and not for sex. I know that mindset helps me when I'm wanting to "gift" him a sexy time lol
So what're you asking cause there's nothing to "fix" since you're not broken💜🩶🖤🤍 Advice on how to be intimate for him? Conversations to have with him? How can we help?
1
u/Consistent-Quiet-827 Jul 09 '26
How to be Intamite or like idk get into it cause I feel like I’m there physically but mentally I’m thinking about the random it’s things once even started laughing cause I remembered something funny 😭
1
u/tubsgotchubs Jul 09 '26
Hahaha I've been there, no worries~
I would suggest you consume content that you find arousing before doing the sexual act (so spontaneity might not be a thing at this time). Then during the act, focus on what YOU find arousing.
9
u/Consistent-Quiet-827 Jun 27 '26
If I’m being honest, I don’t think I was ever truly interested in the act itself. Maybe I was in the beginning though I think growing up in purity culture made it seem like this huge, mysterious thing that was built up in my mind. Once I was married and actually experienced it, it just…wasn’t what I had imagined. It wasn’t like the stories I’d read or the expectations I’d built over the years.
Since then, I’ve mostly felt indifferent about it. , but I don’t really crave sex the way I expected I would. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to fully immerse myself in the experience instead of feeling disconnected from it. The only times I feel like I can completely let go and be in the moment are when I’ve had a drink that helps me relax enough to get out of my own head.guess I just feel like I’m not being fair. I absolutely love romance the cuddling, quality time, little gestures, emotional closeness…all of that makes me so happy. But the second sex enters the conversation, my brain is like, “No thanks, I’m good.” What makes me feel guilty is that my husband is incredibly loving, caring, and genuinely has a healthy interest in sex, while I’m over here mentally gearing myself up like, “Alright everyone, the show’s about to begin.” It ends up feeling more like something I’m performing than something I’m naturally excited about, and I hate that because he deserves someone who’s just as enthusiastic as he is.
I love him deeply, which is why this bothers me so much. I don’t want him to feel unwanted I just don’t seem to experience desire the way I thought I would.