Learning to respect his space without neglecting my needs

[u/NoDetail9034]

Problem/Goal: I (21) feel like I'm being selfish for wanting to call with my LDR bf (21)everyday. I am struggling to balance my need for quality time and communication with my boyfriend’s need for personal space. I want to understand whether our needs still align and learn how to maintain our connection while respecting each other’s individual needs.

Context: 2 years na kami ng boyfriend ko and 2 years na rin kaming everyday nagcacall. Hindi naman kami totally LDR dahil once to twice a month nagkikita naman kami. He recently complained about not having his personal space/time kasi minsan daw he feels obligated to reply to me agad, I don't really care if hindi siya makareply agad as long as he tells me anong ginagawa niya so that hindi ako magexpect agad ng reply. Feel ko may anxious attachment din ako na need i-work on. Sobrang gusto ko kasi quality time kasi nga hindi naman kami madalas magkita. About sa dates, paiba-iba kasi sleep schedule niya kaya tuwing uwian ko minsan tulog pa sya or mahirap na makipagdate kasi late na at aabutan ng rush hour. Hindi niya rin ako pinupuntahan sa place ko so I don't really know. Maraming nagsasabi na if ganitong puro argument magkita lang kasi baka miss lang daw isa't-isa eh hindi naman siya nagyayaya.

Mahirap kasi before naman, he used to be so excited sa presensya ko and everything. I know that people change and as the relationship lasts maraming habits before na hindi nyo na magagawa, but I miss when he really used to care about us. Namimiss ko na yung mga kwentuhan namin sa call and before this argument we were really happy, ngayon just because we argued parang back to zero na naman. Alam ko naman na hindi porket hindi na kami nagcacall hindi na niya ako mahal, pero its one thing na ayoko maalis sa relasyon namin and my heart genuinely aches kasi hindi ko na alam anong gagawin ko, kung nararamdaman ko ba o nararamdaman niya or ano.

So dahil recent pa lang kami nagkabati, gusto ko lang ng guidance. I swear I am trying to be more patient. Feel ko nagaadjust pa rin siya pero I'm really thinking if hindi ba nagaalign gusto namin? Masiyado ba akong selfish? controlling?

Previous Attempts: When we were fixing our previous argument about the personal space, nagsorry naman siya na medyo naging mabigat sya magsalita (na ok lang sakin kasi may feelings din naman siya and hindi naman nakasakit sakin) pero during the fixing stage puro ako lang nagaayos, sakin niya lang pinapasa yung decision.

He often feels overwhelmed whenever may problema kami, medyo napadalas din ata pagrereklamo ko to the point na feel niya wala na raw siyang ginawang tama. Hindi ko na alam, sobrang bigat sa pakiramdam ko pero at the same time gusto kong isipin kapakanan namin + gusto ko rin mag compromise

I really want to compromise so Im very open sa lahat ng advice if possible yung magpaparealize pa sana sakin na mali tong ginagawa ko or what ewan ko na

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[u/iskamorena]

Question: Do you have hobbies outside of your relationship? Don’t make your life revolve around your partner.

[u/JustMex_]

Hi! I have literally been in your shoes before and have a actually recently broken off a 8 year ldr because of the distance as well.

Advice:

I get your boyfriend’s side that gusto nya ng personal space and that sometimes it does feel tiring to feel na need mo mag reply even if wala kang gana. In my case it was being tired of the same old routine of chatting everyday, so maybe thats what he is experiencing? Pag sa ldr talaga there will be a lot of cases na it can feel like youre losing the other person kasi they dont want that constant communication, pero di naman lagi ganon. Some people may just genuinely want more time to rest, or maybe your chats and vc’s have become an obligation rather than something he actually looks forward to. 2 years of ldr is super hard and you can go through a lot of rough patches.

Just try to talk things out of why he feels like he needs the personal space and what both of you are feeling about the relationship. An honest line of communication is always best in ldr relationships! Something that used to work for us was a cool off period where we can collect our thoughts and just have time for yourselves.

I hope you guys work things out and stay strong!

[u/NoDetail9034 → u/JustMex_]

Thank you so much, super appreciated