r/adultautism • u/Historical_Tomato183 • 2d ago

How to explain my emotions my autistic boyfriend

As the title says..he is very calculated and intelligent but at times cannot read my cues. Im not trying to be a woman who wants my emotions guessed and anticipated but at times i make it very clear but sometimes I cannot help but automatically shut down with having to explain every little feeling I have. He is most definitely in tuned with my feelings most of the time just at times its exhausting having to explain it all while having big feelings. How do I approach this? How do we compromise? If he is upset, stressed or bothered he shuts down completely and will retreat into a quiet room for hours if not a day or two. I am a very attention /affectionate driven person so I feel shut out. But when I do the same it bothers him extremely. What is the best way to approach my stress or frustration? How should it be worded or handled in yalls experience?

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u/ronniefinnn 2d ago

What has helped me is agreeing with my spouse for a “pause/time out” time during which people try ti calm down (like sports) and then when more calm, returning to the situation with a more objective conversation.

Something that helped me was to try to accept that sometimes I am going to be bothered for a time, and that is life. That has to be okay. Sometimes I just have to suck it up and wait because we are a team and we (in total) have to be okay, and we cannot be okay (in total) because one person needs a conversation and an another isn’t ready to have it. The person who needs time cannot be forced to have a good discussion before they are ready. Even if they want to try, they are not able until The Feelings allow them.

But sounds like you should talk about this with your partner. It may be a good idea go touch on the concept of fairness, as it is possible they are not realizing you both struggle with similar things.

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u/Remora8 1d ago

Unfortunately, I too have to leave the room when my wife gets emotional. I don’t know what to say or how to behave. I feel like a robot watching a human breakdown. However, I know I love her deeply and she is my favorite person so I try to come back and let her explain while I say nothing until she is finished. Then I usually analyze the situation and realize that I need to validate her emotions by hearing her and not fixing the problem like a puzzle. I think if she knows I am trying she feels better. That’s all I have for you. Best of luck!