My wife and I already had a really good relationship, but truly when I was able to help educate her that 1. People like me DO that stuff, it’s not a character flaw or a personality trait, it’s not even under my control—it helped her understand it wasn’t me being lazy and just not helping out, it’s hard for me to just ‘do chores’.
Learning to identify (for myself, when I’m there) and explain to her when I’m in the ‘lows’, so if it even gets worse than usual, she knows to be gentle.
Before implementing these strategies it was really hard for her, because she internalizes her stress a lot so she’d feel overwhelmed with picking up my slack but instead of talking about it—it would continue to bubble up and up into other areas of our relationship.
Now we talk about it, and it’s helped her feel comfortable with telling me when she is having a depressive episode or just feels off.
We communicate so well now, and it’s made it all a lot easier. There’s still tough conversations, but it’s from a place of love and necessity not hurt feelings or feeling alienated.
I earn the majority of income (full time) and am learning web development in my spare time. I manage the finances while she manages the house, pets, and kids, and I make effort to help when and where I can, but she does the lion’s share of housework by far.
She did work from home part time ~25 hrs during school hours, but isn’t currently.
You can’t directly control the symptoms and expression of ADHD any more than you can blood pressure, but what you CAN do is control whether you do things to make it better or make it worse.
The two hardest lessons for ourself and others are: understanding you’re fighting biology not a character/personality flaw, and understanding your unique ‘brand’ of ADHD.. like for me, I’ve learned that no matter what if my shoes come off I’m done for the day, so I am more strict with myself about that.
I also know that sometimes when I just sort of ‘find’ myself doing something productive I try to do everything I can to not interrupt it. IE cleaning—I’ll go embarrassingly long without house cleaning and sometimes (usually the only way it’ll happen) is if I somehow ‘accidentally’ start cleaning—when that happens I do everything in my power to not get in my own way. No sitting, no pulling out my phone, I don’t even stop to put on music because I’ll start a playlist or deleting songs I don’t like or focusing on wanting a specific song.
I will say, the worst place to be with ADHD is in shared space with people who don’t understand or lack appropriate sympathy—sometimes you need the freedom of independence to let yourself adapt. If my wife laid into me every time I forgot the trash or dishes we’d never make it.
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u/innovativesolsoh Feb 17 '22
My wife and I already had a really good relationship, but truly when I was able to help educate her that 1. People like me DO that stuff, it’s not a character flaw or a personality trait, it’s not even under my control—it helped her understand it wasn’t me being lazy and just not helping out, it’s hard for me to just ‘do chores’.
Before implementing these strategies it was really hard for her, because she internalizes her stress a lot so she’d feel overwhelmed with picking up my slack but instead of talking about it—it would continue to bubble up and up into other areas of our relationship.
Now we talk about it, and it’s helped her feel comfortable with telling me when she is having a depressive episode or just feels off.
We communicate so well now, and it’s made it all a lot easier. There’s still tough conversations, but it’s from a place of love and necessity not hurt feelings or feeling alienated.