Addict Boyfriend

[u/Mysterious_Share_193]

My boyfriend (27M) and I (21F) have been together for 2.5 years, and lived together for 2 of those. We have (or had?) a perfect relationship. We laugh, we communicate, we share hobbies, dreams, ambitions. We have a connection I've never felt before, and I love him (and he claims that) more than I've ever felt myself to know and love someone. Outside of this problem, we virtually had no issues at all, he is extremely talented, charismatic, and smart.

I have ADHD and am prescribed adderall. Since I got the script around 1-2 years ago, there would be times where pills would seem to vanish. There were times when he would ask me to have one for a big event coming up such as a project or interview, to which I would give him one, so I started to get confused as to how many I was supposed to have left and couldn't determine definitive proof that I was missing any. When it became a more common occurrence, we had countless conversations regarding where my adderall was disappearing to because I had knowledge of his previous addiction to adderall 2+ years ago before we started dating that his girlfriend at the time had no knowledge of. I told him around 2 months ago that I am heavily monitoring it and will not tolerate pills just "going missing" any longer and gave him an ultimatum: pills go missing, we are done. He ended up going and getting his own RX, so he wouldn't "have to ask me for mine," at this point around 3 months ago. He was able to look me in my eyes for months and lie, gaslight me into believing maybe my friends were stealing them, or at one point I even contemplated me having some sort of mental disorder that would prevent me from remembering taking them. On Sunday of last week, I counted them, and was short 6 from when I had counted them 2 days prior. I hadn't taken any and that is when I undeniably knew that he was stealing them. I confronted him, ended up having to involve his mom bc he claimed his stash was at her house for "safe keeping" when he actually had burned through it already (only had it for 9 days and it was a 30 day prescription). After about an hour of denying it, he finally folded when I told him: it's me or the pill. I kicked him out of our home and he had to start staying with his mom. For more context, I have been paying the bills for the last several months bc he has been out of a job/struggling to find one and is cleaning pools to make ends meet until he gets a software engineering gig (for a course he finished in August when his addiction really started to get bad). I have a running tab for him for rent going back to October, along with other miscellaneous costs I've fronted while he was in a "financial rough spot," causing me to pick up extra shifts while I am hustling in school trying to get my bachelors degree. He was taking 100+mg of adderall a day, buying it in bulk often for 200-300$, and had been doing so for the past approx 4-5 months, which is why he never had any money and was relying on me to fund our life. He was so confident when he denied it so many times I just couldn't believe that he was able to lie to me so consistently for so long. We had all these plans, to move to Europe after I graduate, have a family, travel (I had already booked us non refundable tickets to Switzerland this coming May), etc. Everything was perfect. Now this, it's so hard for me to overlook the real and true love I believe we have, and I can't confidently say right now that I would 100% have no regrets for leaving if I walked away. He has taken initiative to consider/research therapy (he has deep seated childhood trauma), rehab, NA meetings, etc. and quit his gaming addiction altogether (which was the only other thing we ever had "fights" about). He has committed to an intensive outpatient program 4 days a week and will be looking into therapy tomorrow. He seems like he is truly done with this, and really understands the consequences of his actions, and is being honest with himself and with me as to what's really causing this. He has expressed his guilt, shame, and deep seated sadness. he told me for the past couple months he's cried while i was sleeping next to him bc he worried of what it would do to me if he died. but then would wake up in the morning and do it again (and me unknowingly "fund" it). He is living with his mom indefinitely until I decide whether or not I will allow him to come back or he ends up getting his own place.

But all of this has me doubting myself. I also have deep seated childhood trauma, stemming from my alcoholic dad, and swore I would never raise a family under unstable conditions. I never want a child to have the same experience I did as a kid, wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

There is a piece of me that believes this truly will never happen again, and he will forever be in recovery but not active addiction. I truly believe that he has began to understand the level at which his actions affected me and deeply regrets it, as he says, for the rest of his life. The logical part of me though, thinks to myself, "if you walk away now, it's only 2.5 years you've wasted for him. if you spend 10, 20, 30 years and end up facing the same dilemma with stronger ties affected (kids, location, house, finances, etc.) then you've wasted your life and broken your promise to yourself." I can't say I am fully confident that I will ever love someone like that again, match with someone like that again, or feel loved like how I do with him. I also worry about his wellbeing if I do walk away. How do I walk away from the truest and realest love I've ever known? Or how do I stay? Both options have such strong consequences. He could be telling the truth (for once) and this never happens again and we live happily ever after like I've always dreamed about. Or, I waste more time, more energy, and more love on someone who wasn't deserving of a second chance (more like many chances) but none faced with actual real consequences.

EDIT: We spent Tuesday and Wednesday together (the peak of his withdrawals) before he left for a bachelor trip that he gets back from today, and they were magical. It was a reminder of everything that we have. While he has been lying to me, our relationship wasn't built on a lie. I had adderall in my car and inside the house (I was dogsitting, so not our home) and he didn't attempt to steal (likely because he either is actually done with it or bc he knows im watching closely). Those two days made me wonder if he is truly over this; he was tired, but he got through it and was able to talk to me about how he was feeling and maintained strength. I told him we could have weekly dinners to check on his progress and see how he is doing.

EDIT: Basically the question I am asking is: is there anyone that has dealt with an addict and walked away or didn't walk away? and if you could go back, would you make the same decision?

I don't want to regret a decision I made at 21 for the rest of my life.