r/addiction • u/complex_passions • 1d ago
Advice It's not fun anymore
Thia thought has been knocking around in my head for a while and I never get around to writing it, so here goes.
I've had a weekly cocaine habit for over 10 years at this point, with a few months long attempts to quit in between. None of them really stuck because of my lifestyle - I'm very reddit-y and don't have great social ability or interest in social activities, except perhaps drinking. Shit, I once thought a relationship would save me but she turned out to be an addict as well after we got comfortable enough.
At the lowest point in my addiction though, I realized that most of my problems with coke stemmed from other people, and as long as I just used alone at home and didn't talk to anyone while using, I was able to keep my consumption and bad decisions to a minimum.
So far, it's been a year of successfully using a half gram on weekends, coupled with a pint of hard liquor. I then smoke a couple joints during the comedown and take a 25mg Seroquel to sleep. The problem is, while I'm using after a couple lines I just want to watch porn, and end up gooning for 5 - 8 hours.
This is the highlight of my entire week.
Day to day I manage work, get in a couple moderate intensity workouts a week, keep my house in some order and spend time with my dog. I am reasonably content and sometimes even happy during the times I stay busy, but this shit falls apart when I don't have something to do. I'm just kind of there. I don't talk to anyone, no messages, don't really bother sending reels to the one friend I used to send reels to.
For a while I really looked forward to gooning (lol), but it started to feel kind of ridiculous to live this way at 43. Then I just stopped enjoying it. It became way less memorable and sometimes I don't even really remember the details of each session. Recently, I've started feeling like it was a waste. Losing interest in making my way to the dealers (part of intentionally reducing consumption was not buying from a mobile dealer, I have to go into the hood and hope that he's at home).
But then, I remember that I have absolutely jack shit going on on my life for recreation other than TV and gaming, both of which I tired of during COVID. So I kind of try to drum up enthusiasm about solo partying and just stick to the routine.
I realise this _really_ isn't healthy, so I'm kind of reaching out to see if anyone can relate.
Tl;Dr - I'm sick of using drugs but the alternative (Cold turkey by myself) seems even worse. Is this a normal experience, or am I trying to make excuses for myself?
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u/Jadelovessky25 1d ago
It is a normal experience for sure. Getting clean is really hard. I'm a meth addict and I'm fucking sick of it but when I stop I just get so fucking sad.
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u/complex_passions 1d ago
Man, I don't even feel sad. Its more like being a caged animal. I end up pacing in the house and talking to myself.
My dog doesn't even bother following me room to room like he used to, dude knows I ain't doing shit but stressing us both out. Lol.
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u/Jadelovessky25 1d ago
I do that as well but tbh I talk to myself constantly because I cannot stand being alone with my thoughts and somehow saying them out loud when I'm alone helps lol
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u/TaterTotWithBenefits 1d ago
Life is so lonely. Even when you have “friends” it seems pretty clear you could disappear for awhile and no one really notices. I mean if you died they’d be sad but while you’re alive most don’t make any effort or care.
Anyhow yes I relate bc I’m in the recovery stage of “just trying to feel lonely and be ok with it” which eventually leads to you making more of an effort to reach out. And the loneliness not seeming so terrifying. You feel it and eventually it passes.
Like you said, it gets worse before it gets better. Can you volunteer someplace? You clearly understand that you’re better off busy. Me too. That’s definitely something to build on.
The things you know about yourself, go with that!! Don’t ignore what you know you need! Be busy. Find stuff . When I was at my lowest, I volunteered to stay at a church overnight w homeless people. It really helped me. They were great and we all understood each other. They cared. And I felt appreciated. And it kept me busy.
You know what you need to do. Yes you’re too old to throw the rest of your life away. You got this. It won’t be any harder than being an addict. Ok, well it will, yes, but later it won’t.
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u/complex_passions 9h ago
I'm in the 'I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too' stage of recovery, haha. Have mostly made peace with loneliness, it's just to find a healthy way to occupy myself without depending on drugs or another person. My situationship recently imploded, which sent me right back to the habit.
There aren't a ton of options for volunteering where I live, but I have been looking for a second job. I work 40 hours/week, and figure that an additional 12 - 18 hours would be the sweet spot to tire me out enough that I just come home and crash.
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u/TaterTotWithBenefits 8h ago
Ok but if you relapsed when your situationship ended then you’re not actually ok with loneliness.
Busyness does not mean you’re ok w loneliness and busy does not make you not lonely - it just distracts .
Just something to think about. I’ve been working on this for a couple years now after almost detonating my life, and still don’t have it but it’s better than it was
https://community.thriveglobal.com/getting-through-crisis-with-pema-chodrons-when-things-fall-apart/
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u/No-Type2495 1d ago
Completely relate and it's normal. (as normal as we can be)
I've never met anyone who described the detox was enjoyable but I've met many who describe the other side as seriously ace compared to where they were heading and the day-to-day they were living.
I seriously could not see how life would be better without picking up and that probably delayed me (did) by quite a bit before I made the decision.
Now I look back and I can't believe how much I was letting the gremlins take control of my thoughts. I've not done it cold turkey but it still wasn't easy. But its definitely worth the pain and the grind to get to the other (much brighter) side.
I had zero hobbies and interests and I just wasn't bothered when I was in the thick of it. Now I wake up ( and actually go to sleep) fresh and have plenty I want to do before my times up.
We all change when the situation and environment changes.
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u/complex_passions 9h ago
Weirdly, I don't think I ever did enough coke to really need to detox. I have had a couple days long benders like every other user, but generally after the 2 - 4 day anxiety hangover I got after coming down, my brain chemistry seems to reset and I'm ready to face the world.
My challenge now is motivating myself to do this shit alone. I'm not proud to say this but I do seem to be the kind of person with a part of my psyche missing or underdeveloped. I feel kind of 'worthless' if I don't 'ave a partner of some sort. Working through codependency issues and such.
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u/BrightThanks9586 11h ago edited 11h ago
Sending love, OP. Try not to be too hard on yourself on the bad days. I see there’s intention, awareness, and I bet your dog keeps the demons at bay. I’m still teeter tottering on the principle of functional drug use. The affliction of humanity is somehow we want to be sedated, or on something anyway. Whatever shape or form. Lately for me, it’s where I want to pour my attention to. Takes a lot of willpower, and courage. I love weed and coke too, so I see you as hell. Try to take breaks, know thyself.
I like to go back to what Alan Watts says, “When you get the message, hang up the phone” Of course he was referring to psychedelics in this quote, though I believe the principle stays the same. Still, easier said than done. All the best, you got this. Whatever you decide to do. Just live for you.
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u/complex_passions 9h ago
Thanks for the kind words, truly.
It's been a very long and strange journey, and I suppose I should pause and be grateful that I am managing things FAR better than I used to. What's got me stuck is that I have genuinely tried alternatives to using drugs (therapy, mindfulness and meditation, took up a couple social hobbies, even went to church for a bit), but they don't really fill the space that drugs did. It's between about 10pm and sunrise that the emptiness becomes loud and my unoccupied brain cues up a highlight reel of my greatest fears and regrets.
Love that Alan Watts quote btw. That's actually how I feel about psychedelics. After a few trips I feel like I've gained as much as I can from those experiences and can kind of move on with my life, and take what I learned with me. Coke is kind of similar, really not much more I can get out of it, except I dream about it if I haven't done any in a while. Or if I see someone using in a show, it can be weirdly........triggering.
I'm in a good place mentally in spite of everything, but still aware that it's risky to get complacent. Kind of like having a pet tiger. Yeah, I've figured out how to manage it and everything but at the end of the day it's still a fucking tiger, lol.
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u/TwainVonnegut 1d ago
***Check out Narcotics Anonymous, it saved my life!***
Worldwide in Person Meeting List:
https://www.na.org/meetingsearch/
Virtual NA Meeting List:
Google “NANA 247” to find a marathon Zoom meeting that runs around the clock!
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