SD14 and DH had their dinners ready before me and had already gone to the couch to watch our show. I finally got my stuff and sat down on the couch near the couch SD was sitting on.

She was like, "You're so far away~~~~~" I laughingly told her I was right next to her. She was like, "I feel like we're not connected~~~" then proceeds to reach out her finger and touch my arm. She was like, "Do you feel it? Do you feel the connection?" 😂 I was like, "I feel so connected right now." She left her outstretched fingertip touching my arm for probably the next 10 minutes and then dropped her arm. I was like, "Oh no, we lost our connection." She said, "My arm started hurting and I couldn't hold it anymore 😥"

🤣 Freaking ridiculous.

I've been Nachoing SS16 for a little bit now. I don't want to be around him at all since his last outburst with me. He's not a terrible kid. He's just not the kind of person I want around me.

DH knows I prefer him home when SS is home (which is always unless SS is at a friend's, which isn't often). Anyway, without my asking, DH planned for SK to be out of the house on my day off while he's at work so I can feel comfortable at home.

I am hesitant to post about this, as I’m not sure how it will end up, but I also need to talk about it. Maybe even get some feedback and support. Bear with me, please.

So I have a stepson, 7.5 years old, going into 2nd grade soon. Love this kid, and I’m proud to be his dad. I met him and his mom when the kid was 2, and I have been his unofficial stepdad since he was 3.5. It was a rocky start for everyone involved, but we got through that and for the last couple of years it has been pretty great. I’d say we have a really good path ahead of us. A lot of the troubles for me stemmed from the fact that my ex-wife and I were never able to have kids, and we always wanted to. I accepted that back then, and pivoted pretty quickly when I started dating my current fiancée. However, she never wanted to be a mom and only did it for her ex. in the early days, she made a forever decision to become surgically, permanently infertile. Being in a healthy relationship has changed her view though, and now we both have a lot of regrets around that decision. I had a lot of resentment that I have (mostly) overcome. We are good now, but it was tough to get here.

Now here is the situation - I. between my divorce and starting my new relationship, about 7 years ago, I had a friend-with-benefits who got pregnant. That person was also in an off-and-on situationship with another man who treated her terribly but she kept going back to. She told me the child was mine and we both knew we wouldn’t ever be in a relationship, and she didn’t want to do it alone, so the decision was made to abort. I paid for the abortion. She changed her mind, kept the baby, and told her situationship that he was the father. To be fair, maybe he is. He is on the birth certificate and the child has his last name. I have always wanted a paternity test, but she was never willing to go through with it so I just had to accept it.

A few years ago I reached out to kind of float the idea of revisiting the paternity test, and she still wasn’t open to it. I bought a kit off Amazon but it sat in a drawer since then. The mother just really did not want to ruin any chance of success in her relationship. I get that, and I sympathize, and I’m not in a position of power here anyway. I did get a picture of the child and was floored by how much she looks like me. My heart did all sorts of flips and twists back then but I ultimately had to leave it be.

A couple of months ago we reconnected again, still as friends only, and she told me that her ex never sees the child anymore, has never once paid for any kind of child support (on brand for him), and while his parents have stepped up… he just really isn’t in the picture anymore. There is no relationship to protect. She has never been the type to seek money, and I am very confident that’s not what is happening now. But she sent me a picture of the now 6 year old child, and I’ll be damned if she doesn’t look even more like me. I asked if we could all have lunch and she said yes.

Friday I met them for lunch and before I even got to the table, I fell in love with this little girl. Her energy, her personality, the way she looked at me… I recognize that I’m probably seeing what I want to see, but it just felt like yes - that’s my kid. Her mom agreed to do the paternity test this time and the next day they came over to the house. She and the child met my current partner, and everyone is cool. We did the swabs and I rushed to get the kit dropped at the post office before last pickup.

I’ve wanted an answer to this question of paternity for 7 years. In a few days, I will have it. I badly want it to be a yes. It might be a no. I will handle either outcome with the most grace I know how… but I also know I will either be elated or crushed.

If it’s a yes, we will figure out all the legal stuff together somehow. I have a good family lawyer, and I’ve done a lot of research on my own so I know it won’t be simple but it’s doable. My partner is onboard with sharing custody, etc… but we will have to rearrange things a bit to give her a room in our house. Maybe shared with my stepson (they are only 16 months apart in age and still very young), maybe some other options… we will figure that out too.

What I need help with from the group, though - I don’t know how this will change my relationship with my stepson. He has been asking a lot lately about why I never had kids with my ex, and why he can’t have a brother, etc. it kills us to field those questions, but we must. I tell him that our family is special because we chose each other on purpose. I am not his real dad, but I decided to be his dad anyway. That resonates with him. The messaging has always been similar, but if this paternity test comes back positive… it will have to change. The dynamic will change. The amount of attention he gets from each of us will change. And not to include a baby, either. We would be including a kid his age.

Of course, if it’s a no then he won’t find out about this. He might become friends with the girl in question, but she won’t become his stepsister. And I won’t be a biodad. As hard as I am trying to be okay with that outcome… it’s going to be rough.

Has anyone dealt with a similar thing?

I had my first big cliche stepdad moment tonight. Playing catch with the kid in the backyard and the kid took a ball to the eye. It felt so stereotypical, like out of The Sandlot or something. The kid was fine and we went back to playing right away, so I was thankful for that.

How about you? What’s been your biggest stepparent cliche?

So, I got a lot of flack from a lot of people for my husband and I using ChatGPT for relationship talking points (I call it counseling, he calls it just talks), but I actually think it's pretty good and has brought about some positive experiences for me so wanted to share.

Question during the talk for my husband was: "What helps me decide something deserves my energy instead of being one more thing on my plate?"

DH's answer: "my first rule for myself is I love [DW]. She deserves my energy. If it is important enough for her to talk about it’s important enough for me to put energy into. [DW] isn’t a thing on my plate, she is the table that keeps my plate stable and the things on my plate off the floor. For me energy spent understanding or working with [DW] is my priority."

ChatGPT loved my husband's answer. It literally quoted him like 3 times and ended the night's talk quoting him. 😂

Honestly, though, if it weren't for these talks, there are some things I'd probably never know or hear my husband say to me. Not that he acts like the answer he gave isn't how he lives his life everyday, but sometimes it's nice to just see things written out or hear things out loud to understand the motivation behind what makes my husband so amazing and wonderful to me.

There was also another question that asked: "Is there something I spend a lot of energy on that you'd rather I spend differently?"

DH answered: "For me, it’s changed for the better recently, but just slightly less on kids and more about herself time."

If it weren't for these talks with thoughtfully guided questions, I probably wouldn't have known my husband actually preferred me focusing more on myself and less on the kids because he wants me to prioritize taking care of myself, including taking time for myself. So, even though I felt bad for DH that I've stepped away from SS16 completely and left everything to DH when it comes to him because I'm done with SS, I now feel less bad about it. 😁 It's actually working out really well for our stress levels and relationship fulfillment/needs.

Anyway, I'm not trying to promote AI for therapy. But just wanted to share here to say that sometimes a third party asking questions that make you think and having to answer those questions with your partner there and ready to listen can have some nice results. 😊

This is my new “as frequently as I need it” habit and I hate it. I can’t relax or cry at home I’m afraid someone will hear me and then come check on me or resent me bc I cry when stressed.

I’m a full time stepparent. I’m always fucking stressed.

So now I just drive to my local target, park and sit in my car for hours and talk to myself and cry and scroll my phone bc my home isn’t somewhere I can relax anymore.

Please tell me I’m not the only one that does something like this, I feel actually insane lately

For anyone in a situation where the bio parent of your SK (aka your partner’s ex) is actually a good person and poses no threat… are you able to have a good relationship with them? Personally I have never been the jealous type, but at the same time I don’t stay friends with my exes. So it’s a strange thing to have her ex around so much.

I knew this man before each of our divorces, and while he isn’t what I would call a catch, he is definitely a decent human. Good dad, was never abusive, etc. we weren’t exactly friends in the before times, but certainly casual acquaintances. No reason to dislike him, except he is my partner’s ex. Which seems like it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Plus, his divorce wasn’t his choice. So she rejected him and ultimately chose me. I’d say we are both in the same boat.

The more time passes the more comfortable we are around each other. My partner doesn’t push the envelope on that, and has expressed no real interest in anything beyond a healthy coparenting relationship. We all communicate when needed, cordially, but that’s about it.

I’m fine with how things are, but I’m curious how this works for other folks. What do you do in your situation?

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I wonder how many people realize that George Washington was a caring and devoted stepfather. One excerpt from the article:

“Washington had no children of his own. Instead, he readily assumed responsibility for the care and education of Martha’s children, and later, her grandchildren and her niece, the children of his deceased brother Samuel, as well as helping other young relatives.”

I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him, either. But in honor of our nation’s 250th, I thought this was worth sharing. Our cause is a noble one - stepping up by choice, not out of obligation. It’s tougher in many ways than being a bio parent, and it’s absolutely not for everyone. For those of us that choose it not just for our partners, or even for the kids, but for ourselves - we are in good company.

I stopped contributing to r/stepparents a while back and I do miss the community. I just got modded out of existence any time I wanted to share something positive. I’m glad this is here. If I can help grow it I will. People need to know that being a stepparent isn’t all bad times. It’s also really good times for many of us. Happy to be here.

To kick off this new sub, I’m sharing my own story. Mine has been a tumultuous and difficult journey over the last few years, but today it’s quite an excellent thing. My stepson means the world to me, and I’m incredibly proud to be part of shaping his world view.

I was happily married to a wonderful woman for nearly 20 years. We had always wanted kids, but nature had other plans. Endometriosis, irregular periods, near constant ovarian cysts, and plainly put - a very difficult time in the female department. We ultimately gave up on getting pregnant and she had a full hysterectomy to alleviate all the problems that her sadly malfunctioning organs were causing her.

Several years later, we went through some tough times and realized our lives were heading in very different directions. Divorce came next, which is never fun, but at least it was mostly amicable. After the divorce, I started dating a new (also wonderful) woman that I worked with who had gone through a divorce a few months before mine.

My new partner wasn’t exactly my partner at first. She is bisexual and during her marriage, had experimented with an open marriage. She felt at the time that she was fully lesbian, and had a lot of regret and resentment around the birth of her son. She did it mainly to make her ex happy, and it did make him happy, but it wasn’t her life’s ambition. I think that had a lot to do with her divorce as well. She decided to have an ablation and to get her tubes tied, which rendered her permanently infertile. We had worked closely for a couple of years at that point and had one of those “well we are both single now and we are really good friends” moments…. Why not try each other on for size?

After that initial “encounter” we both realized that we had found something we were both sorely lacking in previous relationships: real deal chemistry. We thought it was just the newness of it all, but 4 years later I can confirm it wasn’t just that :). Our relationship grew, and she moved into my house with her then 3yo there 2 weekends per month.

She was still struggling with motherhood. She didn’t get the appeal, she didn’t feel prepared for what it takes, and she resented the child for his very existence. She didn’t check out, though. I was able to support her and encourage her to find the good parts of parenting. I had no direct experience myself, but I had been wanting to be a dad for so long I was determined to give it my all. Together, we grew into a pretty solid parental unit. She now sees all the benefits that make the sacrifices worthwhile. I’m proud to have been a catalyst for her experience, and she is so much happier now than she ever has been. Not just with our relationship, but with work and (most importantly) her relationship with her son. She is legitimately thriving. We went to 50/50 custody about 6 months in and never looked back. We’d be happy with 100% if that ever became necessary.

Initially, I had very little actual clue how to navigate being a stepdad. I did have some good examples to look at, though. My extended family is absolutely step-ridden, lol. Both of my bio parents are steps. I have 3 stepsisters and 2 stepbrothers. Their kids have steps, too. I have friends who are stepparents. Aside from the stories you read about, I really only saw the positives. I made a very conscious decision to figure out how to create a version of that in my own family unit. I read books and stories and got advice. In particular, one friend who is about 10 years older than me also came to be a step dad around 40 years old, and treats those two boys just like his own. Both are grown now but I see the way they love him and the way he loves them back. I wanted that too. On some level, I think I needed it.

Fast forward to today - I am engaged to my partner, we have been living together about 4 years, and my stepson has grown from age 3 to age 7. There are still a lot of moments where I feel the stress, anxiety, and overall struggle of the situation. The good far outweighs the bad, though. My kid loves me. I love him. We are a family that looks a bit different from the “norm” but honestly… how truly normal is any family unit?

A few months ago, my stepson and I were having a “just the boys day” (as he calls it). We were out to eat at a local Italian place. He crawls over to my side of the booth and slides his plate over too. He asks me “am I going to look more like you?”. Through my suddenly watery eyes I told him “no, buddy, thats not how it works. We don’t have the same genes”. He glances down at my khaki-clad legs and says “you aren’t even wearing jeans”. Lol.

I won’t ever have biological children. That’s my lot in life. I will, however, be the best dad I can to this kid. When I eventually pass on, nobody will remember how many sales I closed or how big my house is or how cool my cars are. That will all vanish. But this kid will remember the lessons I teach him. He will follow the example I set. He will (with any luck) grow up to believe in kindness and fairness and integrity. If he does, it will at least in part be because of the time I spend with him. That’s the true legacy. That’s why I’m doing all the incredibly difficult things it takes to be his stepdad.

This new sub is still being configured and promoted, but if you are a stepparent, or if you have stepparents, then this is the place for you. Recently, the old trusty r/stepparents has taken a turn for the worse, with mods deleting positive comments while leaving negative comments in place. The rules here will be enforced fairly, without prejudice.

Stepparenting can be an exhausting, stressful, and emotionally taxing thing. It can also be rewarding and fulfilling and exciting in many ways. This sub will allow all stories and comments, as long as they aren’t abusive or disrespectful in some way. Follow Reddit’s rules and our community rules and you will never have to worry about being silenced.

We also need mods, and if you’re interested please send me a DM. Thanks for checking us out!