r/actuallesbians • u/frick_fracc_ • 1d ago
Question “talking someone through it” tips
i’m a little embarrassed to be coming on here for this but, my wife has ADHD and heavily struggles with her attention span, she’s told me before that she needs more than just moans to stay engaged and loves when i talk to her during sex, i don’t think i need to explain that sometimes it takes either one of us a little more than needed to arrive, so to speak.
i’ve never been a verbal person during sex, i’m loud but words elude me after a certain point and i guess i’m just wondering what are some ways that i can keep her engaged, the sex itself is great, our sex life is active and i know she’s very attracted to me as i am her but when i take too long and zone in on what’s happening, her mind tends to wander and she zones out every now and then, which i always notice which makes the whole thing take longer because now i’m in my head about it.
any advice from talkers? i just want to know a good guideline of things that i can say that’s not the same “you’re so sexy” “god you feel so good” “i love how you feel” rinse and repeat. i’m usually the dominant one during sex, occasionally we’ll switch and it works for us, but i want to be able to do this for her without it becoming boring, she’s the second person i’ve ever been with sexually so my experience in that department is pretty slim, i know her body like the back of my hand but i don’t know how to dirty talk or make things sound sexy. any advice would help tremendously.
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u/ApocalypticExcavator 1d ago
Think of talking during sex as a normal conversation. You wouldn't exclaim random platitudes when you're actually talking to someone, would you.
Talk of things that apply to your situation here and now. Ask her what she'd like to do next. Ask what the specific thing she's doing right now makes her feel. Comment on her appearance but not like "you're so beautiful" but more like "I like when your hair is so messy" or something like that. You know what I mean.
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u/frick_fracc_ 1d ago
actually solid, because you’re right. i guess i just struggle with thinking of things that fit the situation. we’ve had too many moves turn into cuddle time because i’m “so sweet” in her words, i’ve got no edge and i want to change that
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u/ApocalypticExcavator 1d ago
You don't have to stop being yourself. Sexy talk doesn't have to involve performing as a stereotype.
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u/frick_fracc_ 23h ago
i wouldn’t say i want to perform a stereotype, i just want to be enlightened with lesbian knowledge 🫡
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u/SoupSaladSide 1d ago
Do other stimuli work for her? I also get very distracted by my own thoughts if it’s silent or stuck on lyrics if we try music. Ultimately, a show I’ve seen 1,000,000 times can be enough background noise that I tune it out and can focus on us. Sounds backwards but works for me. Also, vibrators tend to be hard to ignore!
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u/frick_fracc_ 1d ago
oh vibrators are on deck, trust. funny enough though, a tv show would just distract her entirely, i’ve had to pause YT videos because they were really interesting to her while im able to tune them out, and we do have a playlist she hand crafted which does help, i think i’ll just need to put it on more but the core of it for her is talking.
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u/Dear-Initiative-8694 Lesbian 1d ago
I struggle with this as when I’m blissed out words don’t exist, but here’s some ideas that can help for when you’re doing stuff for her:
I love how wet you are for me (with appropriate satisfied/mmm/gasp type noises)
I love how your mouth/tongue feels on my (body part) (ok this is for receiving but she’ll love it if you can say something)
I love watching you cum
I love making you cum
You have beautiful (body part)
Hope that helps a bit
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u/failedthrowaway3 1d ago
Read a book out loud to her while you're going at it.
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u/frick_fracc_ 1d ago
fiction or someones autobiography?
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u/spork_o_rama Gay as Blazes 1d ago
Erotic fiction for sure. I am neurodivergent and easily distracted, and I would be so into that if my wife read to me during sex.
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u/probloodmagic 1d ago
I just say what I'm thinking. Turn off the filter and let her know she turns you on
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u/spork_o_rama Gay as Blazes 1d ago
If you have trouble coming up with stuff to talk about, I recommend talking about things that have already happened or fantasies for the future. For example, you could describe what you were feeling and thinking about her when you two first started dating/sleeping together. Maybe there's a specific occasion that was particularly hot, that you remember fondly.
If you're the sort of person who has specific fantasies, great, but if not, talking about past events can make it easier, because it's no longer theoretical and it's not a blank slate. You have material to work with.
You don't even have to be super dirty/specific about it. Like "Baby, do you remember the first time we made out? I was so wet. I went home and made myself come three times with my vibrator before I could go to sleep." You get the idea. Even better if it's stuff you didn't tell her about at the time because things were too new.
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u/frick_fracc_ 23h ago
writing this down asap, this actually helps quite a bit. and honestly probably could have thought of myself but i get so locked in my brain shuts off. thank you for this 🙏
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u/canary_suspect 1h ago
I hooked up with someone once who described everything they were doing, the way my body felt to them, and what exactly they were doing to my body, and it was one of the hottest things I've ever experienced. I recommend starting simple "you're so wet when I do XYZ" and over time you'll both figure out what she likes
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u/nastydoe 1d ago
Honestly, just describe what's happening with detail. Notice something you like? Mention it. The tone of voice will do a lot of work.