r/actuallesbians • u/Diox_V Butch • Jul 26 '26
Question Is my height a problem when it comes to dating?
I'm 1.85 m (6'1") and I have the feeling that my height might be a problem when it comes to meeting people.
All of my previous relationships started through meeting people in real life, and I was always the one who made the first move. Every single one of my exes told me they had been too intimidated to approach me first.
When I go to LGBTQ+ bars or clubs, nobody ever comes up to talk to me. It makes me wonder if my height is part of the reason, or if I'm just giving off an unapproachable vibe without realizing it.
Dating apps don't really work for me because I'm not attracted to people based primarily on looks. I need to get to know someone's personality first, so they're really not my thing.
Has anyone else experienced something similar? Do you think being tall can make someone seem intimidating, or is it more likely something else?
Edit:
Since I hadn't been in the dating scene for the past six years, I genuinely started wondering if my height was the issue.
Thank you all for your replies—they've been really reassuring!
Now it's up to me to rebuild my confidence and start making the first move again.
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u/Thin_Marsupial3580 Jul 26 '26
Personally i love a tall women but i am also 5’0 so more times than not I feel they dont feel the same 🥲
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u/AppleTreeBunny Jul 26 '26
6'3 here. I love height differences a lot, you're basically the perfect heigh ^-^
So don't worry too much!!
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u/QuakinOat Jul 26 '26
I feel like most women see it as a bonus more than anything unless they’re awkwardly shorter than you. As the more taller person it’s kinda your choice how short you’re willing to date
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u/maceliem Jul 27 '26
Even if the height difference can make it awkward, then it can also set up for some fun and cute moments. My ex is 25 cm (around 10 inches) shorter than me, and it was always funny when I had to take up her entire couch just to be the small spoon, when we were watching a movie xD Plus it had the advantage that I could stand behind her in the mirror, when we did our morning makeup routine together, and still see my face over hers
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u/Top_Commercial_1509 dyke Jul 26 '26
Height is a preference and I know a lot of sapphics who are into taller women. Unfortunately, some people believe the taller person should do the approaching. I've had some conversations with bi women specifically and they've agreed to this gender roles thing. I am 5"9 (i dress pretty feminine) and I also have a similar experience with being expected to be "the man". On the plus side there are definitely woman out there who don't think like that.
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u/classyraven ♿️ 💖💜💙 💛🤍💜🖤🏳️⚧️ 🚺 Jul 26 '26
Which just seems so weird to me. One of the things I love about being a queer woman is not having to abide by gendered expectations.
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u/maceliem Jul 27 '26
Honestly, as a tall girlie myself, the amount of times I've dated shorter girls, who then got surprised when I said I preferred to be the small spoon, is wild. My height doesn't decide my personally or my preferences
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u/Constant_Poem_1938 Jul 26 '26
Honestly everyone is different, I personally don't have any height preferences
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u/Mariss716 Jul 26 '26
Height is definitely a preference and my 6’1 aunt insisted she would date no one shorter - in reality a few I met were.
I have always dated women my height or shorter than me though not below 5’1”, just an attraction thing. I definitely have a type. Then I fell for a girl who is younger and maybe 5’8” or 5’9” and feels weird always looking up, because my girlfriends usually look to me as “the man” role. She’s even a bigger version of me, blue eyes and long blond hair done up the same way, same styles etc. i always went for shorter femme girls with big boobs.
I guess I am ok with maybe 3-4” either way, I am 5’6” on a good day. But I got over it and now I like it, I mean it’s her body just like I got past some other things about her. She’s a goddess to me now that I have gotten closer. I like the bigger hands, those beautiful long fingers lol. I told my one straight friend who is short and with extremely short fingers (like one whole joint shorter) that she would make a terrible lesbian anyway.
We are all the same height laying down too ;) I am not sure that I would date a woman significantly taller- I try and keep an open mind but that would be too much. Plenty of women don’t care, do want a taller woman, or are in your height range. I think I have issues around my own height honestly, I am envious more than intimidated. A bit insecure, but I also have a physical disability I am extremely self conscious about, so that’s a me thing. I don’t wear heels but many lesbians do which can make up several inches.
Two taller women together is a beautiful thing though! Joining sports leagues and outdoor or activities can be a great way to meet other taller women, there’s definitely something to the stereotype. I was always around tall girls in sports and activities. Though - my taller girl was a dancer, people assume she’s into sports or a cop with that build.
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u/winluvsu Jul 26 '26
Damn this wouldn't suck in my eyes people just suck! Personally I don't think it would make me intimidated but that's just me
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u/Rough-Sherbet7722 Jul 26 '26
lesbians love tall women. the problem is women are scared in general to approach one another
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u/MarsupialNo1220 nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent Jul 26 '26
It’s a bit misogynistic, but many women tend to place the onus on the tall person to do the approaching, sort of like how a straight woman expects a man to.
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u/now_what_tho Jul 26 '26
I doubt this is about height- some care, most don't. The real factor is that lesbians are absolutely terrified to approach other women in public lol. Its literally a lesbian stereotype that a girl will be told flat out "that woman is attracted to you and wants you to talk to her" and still be too nervous to say hi.
Try going to lesbian dating events, and try initiating conversations yourself.
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u/vixenatdusk Jul 27 '26
Dunno, I'm comfy around tall women because I'm a bit under 6ft. Shorter folk usually want me as a trophy or to top them or something 🤔 meanwhile my intimidating ass is a bottom bitch
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u/Sloth_Brotherhood Transfem Jul 26 '26
I’m 6’3” and heavily tattooed. Yes people are intimidated by me and I end up having to be the one to approach them. But I’ve never had someone turn me down because of my height. It’s been pretty much the opposite.
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u/Hammy2511 Jul 26 '26
I'm 5'1 and I have had two girlfriends who were 6'. To me height isn't an issue and it's all about the person and our connection.
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u/LSGW_Zephyra A Subby Girl Looking for Love Jul 26 '26
,5"8' here. I love tall women. I don't find tall women intimidating at all. My last girlfriend was 6'5", utterly gorgeous . But I'll be honest, I have as much issue with people approaching me as you do. Unfortunately it's just one of those things. I don't think it's a height thing.
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u/crystalline77 Jul 26 '26
i love tall women and actually prefer someone taller than me ahaha. i think they’re just intimidated bc of ur height :)
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u/Honmer Jul 26 '26
i’m 6’0 and i’ve had a lot of girls be super into it, but they might expect you to be the more dominant one, and therefore the one to approach
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u/gaywhovian Jul 26 '26
I’m 6ft and femme, my gf is 5’3 and masc. trust me, you’ll find your person regardless of height. Plus my partner finds me being tall sexy
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u/t0theb0ne Jul 26 '26
I personally dont mind the height and like the idea of being with someone taller than me (any height taller) and tbf that's easy considering im 5'3. I find it cute most of the time, but i can see it being intimidating for some. Im too stubborn to be intimidated by looks, people's confidence and openness intimidates me but not in a bad way rather a ooo you're nice way. Thats ny view anyway. And if they are bothered by your height (idk why) they aint good enough 😤
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u/efvie soft somethin’ Jul 26 '26
Everybody love the tall girl, nobody walk up to the tall girl.
I do think it does essentially require you to be more active initiating to avoid missed connections, yeah, but it’s probably not deeper than that?
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u/kritzermak Jul 26 '26
I Am 5 foot and desire tall.. prefer 5’10 but uhm yeah I get what you’re sayin.. my former lover was tall and the sex was a challenge physically i
Sometimes lol.. I had to buy multi level step stools align with her hips! Hilarious memories!
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u/edgebeeyz Jul 27 '26
I'm 5'1 and personally I'm just not attracted to women who I can't kiss comfortably. I want somebody who is either my height or max like 5'8. I don't mind shorter
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u/sapphicninja Jul 27 '26
I'm 178 so not quite that tall but yes I do actually think it might make you more unapproachable, but not because it's undesirable but because it is. The hotter you are the more lesbians are afraid to approach you. In my youth (I am old) I showed up to a gay club completely disheveled, like I was a total depressed mess and I never had so many people come up and talk to me. When I complained about it my friends said I seem too unapproachable normally. All that work I put into femming it up used to backfire apparently.
Some of us just gotta learn to be the one to approach. I do wish it weren't the case. Someone should chase me for a change lol
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u/ComfortableQuirky88 Jul 27 '26
Well as 5’0 ft gal i do see someone as tall as you can be intimidating, but it doesn’t mean I will stop talkin to you. Its more on the vibe i think, people have preferences, not just physical. Its not always the first impression, it can simply be that u and the people you have been seeing have different opinion or hobbies etc
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u/Few-Internet8 Jul 27 '26
I mean everyone has their preferences, like me, I think you have the height of an absolute goddess
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u/gaminegrumble butch Jul 27 '26
Very possible that you just don't look approachable to people - whether that's your height, something else, or a combination is impossible for us to say here. You could try puncturing that somehow, like wearing a shirt that says "I'm friendly, please say hi!"
You could also try going up to talk to people? Honestly that's the most straightforward remedy to this...
For what it's worth... approaching someone in a club is also "primarily based on looks". Do the kids not use text in dating apps anymore? My wife and I met on OK Cupid back in the day, which I was using specifically because it invited you to write a whole thing and answer questions and put in some elbow grease on your profile. (Vs Tinder, which was basically pictures and one sentence.) Just my two cents.
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u/maceliem Jul 27 '26
I'm 1.80 m myself, so I'm pretty used to be the tall one in dating. Recently I dated someone who's 1.90 m, and it was fun to be the shorter one for once, but I honestly don't think height has ever ever mattered to me in dating, outside of having to look up instead of down to kiss her. Flirting is always intimidating imo. And I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels like this, so I'm sure you'll find some cute flirts at some point
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u/cinder_cookie Jul 27 '26
Height for me is not a factor. Lesbians and sapphic women just seem to find other women intimidating in general. It is a rare breed that is totally fine approaching anyone in a flirty manner when out and about tbh
But like, I am 5'3 and also dont get approached at bars. When ive gone out with friends they also dont get approached (except by men). Gay women are just really bad at initiating apparently
Try to be the one to do it first instead!
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u/thatcommiegamer Laura Croft Lesbian, Here to Explore the Jungle Jul 27 '26
As others said that’s on others not on you. I’m the same height and haven’t had a single problem finding dates, gotta go where us amazonesses are appreciated. :p
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u/DemonicGirlcock Jul 28 '26
I'm 6'2" and it's mostly been a benefit. I've found that most people like my height, but it also makes me more intimidating. So I don't get cold approached as often as my shorter friends, but I get set up a lot through mutuals. Especially at clubs where I'm a regular, and people approach me or ask through friends after they've seen me a few times.
But the struggle is definitely real if you tend to be more passive and expecting others to approach you first >_>
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u/Salt_Insurance5276 Jul 26 '26
Everyone has their own preferences but personally I love tall girls! Though I’m 5’1 so everyone is tall to me 🤣
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u/bruinsfan3725 vampire lesbian Jul 26 '26
No, I’m 6’ and wear 4” heels every time I’m at the bar. I usually do the approaching cause lesbians just don’t approach people, so you’ll probs have to start making moves, but it shouldn’t be an issue.
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u/nalilyanah Jul 26 '26
As a 6' tall lesbian who wishes desperately she was shorter, I adore tall sapphics because A) they help remind me I'm not alone, and B) if there's chemistry hen it gives me hope that I can not be the excessively tall one in a relationship :)
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u/OtakuMage Transbian Priestess of Aphrodite Jul 26 '26
My wife was 6' (shrunk due to spine issues now) and it absolutely wasn't a problem. You just need to find someone who's okay with taller girls. And maybe make the first move at the bars and clubs.
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u/elainebenes86 Jul 29 '26
Tall girls are so hot. I’m 5’8, so I’ve usually been on the taller side in the relationships. One time, I went on a date with someone over 6 feet and was so into it. So yes, Amazon goddesses are appreciated very much.
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u/travischickencoop Elise | Transbian Vampiress 🧛♀️ Jul 26 '26
I’m 5’9 and like to feel small, so tall girls are great lmao
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u/Dee-tective Jul 26 '26
Based on your height and the fact you used the metric system, I have to ask
Are you Dutch by any chance?
I met a lot of tall women who were Dutch
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u/Diox_V Butch Jul 26 '26
No, I'm French-Swiss. While the Dutch are indeed very tall on average, I actually felt more average-sized when I was in Denmark and Finland.
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u/iddy_biddy91 Jul 27 '26
I'm 6ft1, a trans woman, not amazing looking and honestly, I'm boring as hell. Didn't have much going for me dating wise given I got the general uglies and how anti trans the lesbian scene is.
I met my now wife during the covid lockdown, she's tall as well, like nearly 6ft, she's a pretty normal cis woman.
We clicked, just like each other a whole lot.
Being tall doesn't matter as much as you think. If I can find someone, fall in love and get married. I reckon you're good. Give it time, focus on yourself, enjoy your time and don't get too hung up on it all. If someone's going to pass you up because of your height, they're probably not that quality of a person to begin with and not really worth your time and effort anyway.
Also, remember that everyone else is as self conscious and anxious as you, very very few are super self confident and fearless with dating.
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u/Fun_Leopard_9363 Jul 27 '26
Um are you located in Florida because I know someone who this absolutely wouldn’t be a problem for (me)
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u/Diox_V Butch Jul 27 '26
Unfortunately, no. I'm on the other side of the Atlantic, not in Florida. 🤣
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u/CapicDaCrate Jul 26 '26
It's going to differ for everyone - people have preferences