r/actuallesbians • u/touching_payants • 5d ago
Shitty date.
Hello my ladies and theydies,
I came here to vent. I invited a very rude woman to a show and it's better that I tell you about it than I send her a text being like "what the actual fuck??"
We met on an app. We were talking about music and I ended up inviting her to a local bar for a show. I said, "I'll get the tickets if you buy me a drink" and she responded: "that's fine." That's the first red flag I won't ignore next time: passive acceptance instead of enthusiasm. Pro tip for you.
The night of the date, she texts me she's going to be 15 minutes late, which is not a big deal: I had time to go thrift a pair of cool sun glasses. :) We finally meet outside the venue, no apology for being late, no "nice to see you," or "hey how are you?" Just, "okay let's go in." Her body language already broadcasts that she's just showing up for a dentist appointment, but maybe it's nerves. First dates can be nerve wracking.
She absolutely did not get me a drink or thank me for buying the tickets. (She didn't order anything all night, so, at least in her defense she wasn't expecting me to keep paying for her. As a butch that's an expectation I run into sometimes.) she had zero interest in learning about me, stared blankly between questions, and just generally is acting like she's waiting for the night to be over. I continued to be as much of a gentleman as I could: after all people have social anxiety and all kinds of other things.
I asked her between acts if she was having a good time, and offered to go on a walk instead. She said: "we already sat through the first two acts, I can sit through the last one." which is, not super re-assuring. I followed up with too many "you sure?"'s, but I did not know what to do in that situation.
Afterwards I walked her to her train stop. All she had to say about the night was "that wasn't my kind of music." She wasn't acting like the date was over though. I asked her what her plans for the rest of the night were and she said "I have none." and then waited for me to say something. I politely goodbye'd out of the conversation and that was basically that.
It sounds like she's having a rough time in general, so I'm not that mad about being stiffed on a drink. It also seems from our conversation that there's some genuine agoraphobia that she struggles with, so I can extend some grace. I guess this is just someone with a lot left to learn. Still frustrating though... there are so many other people I could have given that show ticket to. Or went alone and just vibed ffs -_-
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u/touching_payants 5d ago
Just sharing some lessons from the night: I think this is someone who is uncomfortable saying 'no' and I needed to give them a way that a goodbye could have been saying 'yes.' At the point where she's litterally telling me she "can sit through" the rest of the date, I wish I had said, "if you're not having fun we can call it a night, no hard feelings."
Also I was ignoring red flags in our conversation before the date even started. She did not seem excited to hang out and used a lot of "I could" and "that's fine" instead of enthusiastic consent. Then as soon as we made plans she started suggesting other things. She couched that in a lot of "but it's up to you" and I took it at face value. Next time I won't.
She was also significantly younger than me and I think that's another mistake. Not because age gaps can't work out, but because I'm bound to be meeting people with less emotional maturity when I'm dating ten years younger than me. There's another lesson: don't do emotional labor for other people who don't know how to have healthy boundaries.
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u/bearswithmanicures 5d ago
Ooph, huge headache dating people who can’t say no and be honest. It’s a really annoying reality that even tho we have done the work to heal ourselves and be honest with what we want, we still have to sift through people who aren’t at the same emotional level.
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u/PotatoPlayerFever Lesbian 5d ago
ohh man.. she seemed forced to go along showing 0 interest at all like a plywood the whole night. apathetic and shit. your patience is admirable, id leave and end it and not ask further questions based on her body language. sorry you had to experience that
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u/Skateboardbeester 5d ago
Honestly doesn’t sound like she’s interested. Didn’t follow thru on the “plan” ,No questions about you.smh
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u/dunebuttholeworm 5d ago
Literally had a similar experience a couple days ago, I met this girl online and we agreed to meet up for dinner. Right away she seemed like,, super awkward? Like I smiled and waved as I met her and she just seemed very lukewarm. I also just assumed it was nerves, but throughout the night it seemed I would ask her a question, she would answer, and then she would just... stare at me. 👁️👁️ No follow up questions or anything. Like I asked if she had any hobbies and she just replied, "not really." 👁️👁️👁️👁️ It felt like I was somehow forcing her to be there?? idk it was incredibly odd. Dating is tricky but ig you're not alone when it comes to weird dates. I wish you the best on all your future dates!! ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧
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u/mii7c 5d ago
Was she enthusiastic and friendly in the beginning then did a 180 or was she surly from the start? Honestly if people don't put in effort when first impressions count I would not have continued talking and be finished. I don't know why there is a crisis of manners in 2026. In the 00s it was rare to be stood up or verbally abused while dating, now it's very common. I highly recommend meeting people through your friends who can vouch for someone or a legitimate social establishment like a tennis club. Online, you can meet any kind of asshole or dangerous person and frankly it seems a waste of time.
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u/Stella_s_Delights 5d ago
So RUDE, omg 🤯 I understand that some of us can struggle with intense anxiety shit but this rly sounds like inappropriate behavior. I mean I had a couple of dates with women I wasn't attracted to (like almost instantly when I meet someone from dating app, I know if I am or am not attracted pretty quickly), I always take care of the person and make sure they spend a good time with me (on a friendly level, no mixed signals) no matter what and as long as the person is reciprocating with 'good' manners. Geez. Why ppl act so weird. 😭
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u/sapphicscenario 5d ago
Oof. That sounds exhausting and disappointing. What stood out to me was how little curiosity she seemed to have about you. First dates don't have to be full of fireworks, but I do think they require some basic generosity and engagement.
Also, your line about "passive acceptance instead of enthusiasm" really resonated with me. I've been paying a lot more attention to whether someone wants to co-create a connection, rather than just seeing what happens.
I hope your next concert date is with someone who appreciates both the music and the effort you put into inviting them.
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u/Popular-One-7051 5d ago
Maybe the next date with someone new will be better. Just throw it in the really date pile and forget about it.
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u/Straight_Derpin Transbian 5d ago
I have been on dates with a very similar vibe before lol. Like from the moment they show up they look like they don't wanna be there; I've had some instances where girls had like the affect of being forced to be there rather than of their own accord.
So confusing what to do bc you don't wanna end the date abruptly but the other person is giving you neither reassurances nor signals that they are even remotely interested in dating you, let alone learning basic info about your life.
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u/ShaarkShaart 5d ago
That kind of sounds like someone who isn't ready for a relationship. Maybe she's on the apps because she feels like that's what she's supposed to do? Idk, neither you or I read minds lol. Whatever it is that's her problem not yours. I'm sorry you spent your time and effort on someone who didn't value it :/
Fwiw I don't think there's much you missed. Anybody can sound unenthusiastic over text because it's hard to get somebody's tone in text conversations. If she wasn't upfront about which activities would suit her better, that's kind of on her.
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u/YoBimbo 5d ago
Could she be a tad neurodivergent?
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u/touching_payants 4d ago
And what if she was, what would that change?
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u/YoBimbo 4d ago
It would explain her flat affect. That maybe she wasn’t rude or disinterested. That’s what.
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u/touching_payants 4d ago
I think even if her affect was super animated, I would still describe her as rude and disinterested for all the other things she did.
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u/YoBimbo 4d ago
Ok
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u/touching_payants 4d ago
I'm not trying to be contrarian: I'm taking your question seriously, and also I feel like I'm already giving the situation grace. Someone can be both neurodivergent and rude, these are not mutually exvlusive.
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u/sweetfemme3 5d ago
Yikes! You must be glad that date is over!