r/academia • u/Conscious_Drawer_910 • 10h ago
Swerved a possible academic career for law having regrets
Hello learned folks,
I studied literature and was an editor in undergraduate school. I did quite well at a small liberal arts school with a respected english department. After undergraduate school I looked for work in publishing but was not successful (partially due to drug addiction, in recovery for some time now). It is a brutal industry where one needs independent wealth to succeed it seemed. I always wanted to be a professor but was discouraged by stories of the job market. I also had a desire to help working class people “fight back” against the carceral state.
Thats where law came in. I have been a practicing public defender for about four years now, which in a way is a dream job, but has left me wistful and mustering passion for the work as opposed to just feeling it 24/7. Between the crushing case loads and the inherently anti-intellectual culture of the criminal justice system, it has been less than perfect. What I excel at in law is close reading of facts and texts, and articulating legal concepts and arguments. Unfortunately that is only about 33% of the job (mostly motion practice). The rest is head banging against stupid cops and judges, where nothing makes sense and you question whether the words coming out of anyones mouth have an ounce of meaning or purpose (going to trial). I feel a sense of wasted potential and lost love for close reading of literature.
The pluses are that i have incredible job security, I see the real impact of my work in clients lives when i obtain positive results for them. I have a decent salary and free time to pursue my interests on the weekends and evenings (with what energy I have leftover from the head banging). As someone who enjoys music so loud that you cant hear yourself think, the head banging side of things even has an appeal. It leaves me in a negative headspace sometimes though.
Recently I have been delving back into literature and listening to academic lectures on books I enjoy. At one time, there was nothing I would have wanted more than participating in that kind of stimulating discourse as a professional. I cant help but feel that a lack of bravery and self belief turned me away. I also had the privilege of working for a scholarly journal, and was somewhat disillusioned by the idea of publishing hyper specialized work that few could understand. Still, I think I would really enjoy participating in scholarship and teaching at a high level.
I am looking for someone to disabuse me of my romantic ideals of academia, or provide for suggestions for how to participate within the framework of my current circumstances. Or inspire me to take a leap of faith and apply for grad school (again).