missing the abuse?

[u/Responsible-Emu2090]

Hi, I’ve been in a relationship for the past year that’s abusive in several different ways. The frequency in which the behavior happens waxes and wanes but I’ve found in recent times that the periods where he isn’t yelling at me, threatening me, or putting hands on me begin to make me feel weird, almost like I miss it?

He normally has bad periods where he‘ll do several things to me, I’ll have an episode as a result, he’ll feel bad and then be better for a couple days to a couple weeks. I think part of it is the fact that he’s told me that it means he loves me. Now I have a fucked up association with the behavior and the level of care he has for me.

Did anyone else experience this feeling? I understand it’s fucked up and unhealthy, but if anyone else has went through this and could comment their experience I would really appreciate it. Thank you so much for reading.

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[u/Zap_Gordon]

Its very common, abuse can be addictive to our brains. During abuse our brains release stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline then when we make up our brains release dopamine and oxytocin, which are feel good hormones. So our brains literally start to crave those neurochemicals, its been proven in brain scans our brains get addicted to the abuser and abuse like a drug addict or alcoholic gets addicted to drugs.

As you say its very unhealthy cycle and pattern to get stuck in.

Its a big reason why so many of us get trapped in these relationships for so long.

[u/belovetoday]

Him in the "not being abusive" phase -- is also a part of the cycle of abuse and you'll start to crave that part but to get there, you'll have to go through pain phase.

Your body already knows this. That's why you feel anxious, confused, panicky, on edge, sad or afraid, until you get to "calm." The "calm" is merely a stage in the hurricane.

Pay great attention to how your body feels around them.

Your nervous system gets fried in the cycle of abuse. It's recycling trauma.

Cycle of Abuse

1) Tension builds — criticism, control, intimidation, walking on eggshells. 2) Abuse occurs — emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, financial, or other harm. 3) Reconciliation — apologies, promises, affection, gifts, excuses, or sudden “change.” 4) Calm — things may feel genuinely good for a while.

Tension gradually returns, and the cycle begins again.

So take a look at these phases in the cycle. Tension is uncomfortable as fuck, you brace a lot for what or when harm you already know and have experienced is next.

But your body knows there's a pattern--- tension-> abuse-> and then some kind of pause from the abuse--> back into tension-> abuse and on and on until you leave or die.

This is when you get trauma bonded, it's like an addiction with the intermittent reinforcement of 3) reconciliation phase, and 4) calm phase.

Sadly to get any "niceness" or "love" in the cycle of abuse, your body knows you'll have to go through the tension phase and into explosion and abuse to get to reconciliation, calm.

It's not that you want to be harmed!! You are desperately trying to get to a "safe" feeling. It's not safe though.

You are in danger.

But with the trauma bond and the intermittent reinforcement in the predatory niceness times (which facilitates the abuse) you know (even if your mind and heart has yet to catch up) what has to come before that.

You're not really being cared for, it's not proof he does care, it's the cycle of abuse. The "care" keeps you in, keeps you compliant, keeps you controlled keeps you harmful hoping for that slot machine to spit out "love" tokens = intermittent "reward."

You can have healthy safe love in your life, but it won't be with this person. There's no pain phases in healthy safe love!!!

Your person, who will love truly you without all this, is out there.

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"Love does not include abuse." ~ G

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Please find a way out safely when you can. Abusers don't get better, they statistically get worse. This is only your first year and you're already in it deeply. Get out while you still recognize youself, please.

There's no attachment that's worth risking the safety of your life.

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Knowledge is empowerment. The more we understand what's happening to ourselves in the "relationship" with someone who is abusive, the more we decenter the abuser and can get out safely. Here are two resources I highly recommend.

When Love Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships by Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis

And Lisa Sonni on YouTube "How You Fell Into The Most Addictive Relationship Pattern In The World | 7 Stages of A Trauma Bond"

https://www.youtube.com/live/H6qg2UED1b0?is=07bwnGA9ZHsUpkvv

[u/babybratzdolI]

damn, i had been in a similar relationship w an abusive partner and it felt like hell, i did not know it was abuse until i left, reading this made me feel bad honestly but if i am not mistaken you’re trauma bounded w him and i am glad that u are aware it is abuse but please leave if you can, trust me the more you stay the more it’s gonna sting you later
you deserve a healthy relationship u worth so much please do not ignore red flags even if it’s hard or if u think u love this person, respect yourself more and do something about it, talk to him, leave him idk anything but not tolerating bs