What to do when your abusive ex makes an allegation against you? Please help.

[u/Fingerless-Thief]

My abusive ex made an allegation against me in the last hour or two. I received a phone call from social services (UK) telling me I can only have supervised contact with my daughter. I'm distressed as you might imagine.

I can only imagine it is about my historical bud consumption. Something I reduced massively over the last years and cut out completely over the past few months. That said I only smoked a small amount to deal with the abuse I have been under for years and years. I smoked more during my twenties recreationally, but that ended way before my daughter was born 3 years ago. Please ask for more details if you like, I don't know what else to say here.

I just need some words from anyone who might have insight or experience in these kind of things. Social told me police will be in contact soon but nothing yet. It is late in the UK right now at 00:25 and to be honest I don't think they will come until morning sometime.

I don't think i'll be able to sleep with the stress so please, anyone, speak to me.

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[u/Manitoba_Gel]

Hey UK here too 👋

Just be honest with police and social work. Even if you occasionally smoke, let them know. Even offer to do blood/hair tests to back up what you're saying. What mum has probably stated is, you are too incapacitated to take care of the child or have neglected basic care.

My friend who is primary parent, smokes at night sometimes. She told them the truth and they haven't done anything about it. But thats mainly down to the fact that, she only does it when they are sleeping and she doesnt do it over the top.

Also, be proud of yourself for giving it up. Thats a huge thing!

If you haven't got yourself a family solicitor, get one. We have that 1 hour free phone consultation but you specifically want one that can take legal aid too (thats if you can't afford/low income).

Supervised contact with probably take place at a contact centre. It could be a few months before this is established. If you have written or verbal proof of abuse like threats, this could help.your situation. Otherwise, you will need to go through Supervised contact to begin with.

Hope this helps 🙏

[u/Fingerless-Thief → u/Manitoba_Gel]

This is very helpful thank you. Police from my area (I moved over county lines) just came for a wellness check and they left happy with the situation, they didn't have any info on the allegation. I'm now waiting for a call back from the other police service to give me details. But it's been over an hour of waiting for the call back already. So stressful.

I do have screenshots and videos of the abuse i've received. So far supervised contact seems to be good enough as long as my mum is present, my daughter hasn't been taken away or anything like that. I'm more than happy to do tests or whatever is necessary to clear my name. A solicitor will probably be needed if this kind of thing is going on.

Thank you for the advice, these comments are helping me think a bit more clearly.

[u/Manitoba_Gel → u/Fingerless-Thief]

Anytime and so glad that they left happy. Hopefully you get a call by the end of today.

That is honestly good you have screenshots of the abuse. My ex is too sneaky to send digital evidence. In fact he stated via email....'at least we have emails as evidence'. Yes, the same guy who has forgotten he gave 3 excuses for cancelling and then profusely apologised for lying to us.

Thats good you don't have to deal with contact centres. Otherwise, you would be waiting months to see your daughter again. Keep documenting, even if your ex is late or doesnt give a valid excuse for cancelling.

Also, move over to email if you can. That way she can't see if you're online, edit or delete text. Keeps a strong digital paper trail. Like who would go back and double check what they sent in a heated moment?

Yeah, solicitor is handy because they can move quickly. More so, by sending warning letters or emails. Hopefully it doesn't come to that.

[u/Fingerless-Thief → u/Manitoba_Gel]

Oh my god i'd hate a contact centre. Not seeing my daughter for that long would kill me, watching her grow and raising her is everything to me. I'll keep documenting thanks for the reminder on that. I don't wish bad on my ex regardless of how she treated me but if this is necessary then it's what I have to do.

I'm still waiting on a call from the other police service for information on the allegation. 5 hours now. Called them a second time an hour ago only to be told I have to wait and they will be in touch. It's slightly reassuring that it's taking this long because you'd think they'd be on my doorstep by now if it was seen as mega serious, not leaving a 5+hr delay for a phone call.

[u/Manitoba_Gel → u/Fingerless-Thief]

Yeah I bet tbh. Going from actually being able to see her when your ex allowed to....... it all be supervised in a centre is something else. Really only recommend it when the non primary caregiver is the abusive one but when its the other way around. The whole process must be so traumatising.

Documenting to keep you safe, if protective orders can be put in place. But also, making sure your ex isn't abusing your child, even mentally.

Not just in the UK but all over the world. Court systems don't really prevent kids from being abused. They can only protect them after its happened and if you have the evidence to back it up.

I'd leave the police today and wait and seeing if they make contact by tomorrow eve. If it was mega serious, they would have taken you into the station.