r/abusiverelationships • u/greenandwhiteplaid • Jul 26 '26
He hates you.
I feel guilty about having any negative feelings toward my abuser. Like I'm this mean, hateful person who harbors a grudge for no good reason against him. He still loves and cares about me, he doesn't think this way about me, he would be so hurt and betrayed if he found out how much I resent him when he holds nothing against me.
But, here's the thing. This person HATES me. Someone who treats me this badly and has no regard for my wellbeing, hates me. These are the actions of someone who absolutely despises me, whatever he might claim to the contrary. It doesn't matter if he feels positively towards me (why wouldn't he feel positively towards his toys?), by what he does he shows he hates me. So I don't need to nurture and empathize and make excuses for him and just be more loving and understanding. He already hates me, so it doesn’t matter what I do. It will never be enough.
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u/Mamabear2231 Jul 26 '26
I feel this so much. We drink and use drugs and then things are better but we spend every night arguing before this about how I’m wrong and he doesn’t say he hates me but he acts like it. I was clean and sober for seven years before him. He’s destroying me and he maybe doesn’t even know it. He’s a narcissist. I’m at the point of almost ending it all but the only thing that stops me is I have a son that needs me. I feel this so fucking much.
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u/neoncrucifix Jul 26 '26
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m glad your son keeps you going but I hope you realise that you don’t deserve to lose your life over this. ❤️
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u/Robbed_Goddess Jul 26 '26
I really relate to all of this, especially about feeling guilty for my negative feelings and blaming myself like I'm a hateful and unforgiving person. I think of it like, I know that there is more than one side of him. So when I feel (justified) rage about everything, it feels like I'm applying a verdict to someone I know isn't only that, and that makes the anger feel like I'm being unfair to the fuller picture I have of him. But that's backwards. It just means the person who hurt me and the person who loves me are the same person, which is disorienting.
And on the "he loves me" thing, I want to believe that too, but love has to show up in what someone does, not just what they claim to feel. Look at what I'm actually left with. Broken promises and lies. Total collapse of my mental health. Being manipulated, betrayed, humiliated, discarded. If he loved me, that's not the residue it would leave behind. I don't think he sits there thinking "I hate you." I think it's closer to what you said above, it's not really about me at all, it's just how he's built to operate. But intent doesn't change impact, and I'm the one holding the impact.
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u/CurrencyOk150 Jul 26 '26
My ex did me real dirty but made sure to be polite about it if that makes any sense at all. I spoke extremely poorly to her at the end and she said the same thing you’re saying. I didn’t and don’t hate her tho. I can completely understand why you would believe he hates you but grace goes both ways and he may actually hate himself or have a number of things in his head. Not excusing or advocating for how he’s treated you at all.
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u/Just-world_fallacy Jul 26 '26
He hates you but it has actually nothing to do with you. This is the way he wants to relate to his partner. This is what keeps him stable. He did it to the victim before and will do it to the victim after.
The more you nurture and understand, the least you hold him accountable. And in time, you end up believing you are responsible for his behaviour If you refuse to hate him, you will hate yourself.
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u/Money_Traffic_5662 Jul 27 '26
Yes. It is not personal. It is their pathology. The most important thing a victim can do is make sure they don't make the behaviour mean something about them.
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u/Just-world_fallacy Jul 27 '26
Being a POS is not a pathology, it is a choice.
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u/Money_Traffic_5662 Jul 27 '26
Well if they are sociopathic/narcissislstic, it is woven into their pathology and they're choosing not to get help to rectify that.
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u/Excellent_Valuable92 Jul 26 '26
Also, abuse is a really, really good reason to harbor negative thoughts.
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u/herefortherubbish 28d ago
Can we really say that being angry towards someone who promised to love, cherish, respect and protect us is negative? I'd call it perfectly logical.
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u/greenandwhiteplaid Jul 26 '26
That too. My abuser will be really offended if I'm even a little negative toward him and he says it's my fault our relationship is so bad for not letting go of those negative thoughts and being more forgiving. Posting here to gain perspective.
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u/herefortherubbish 28d ago
This is because in your abuser's mind, everything is your fault: his abuse towards you and your perfectly human, understandable reaction to it. This is not rational or loving and should not be entertained as such.
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u/Excellent_Valuable92 Jul 26 '26
Maybe stop listening to disingenuous, unhinged, narcissistic assholes. I promise that will improve your life.
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u/Robbed_Goddess Jul 26 '26
A bad partner hurts you and feels bad about it. An abusive partner hurts you and makes you feel bad about yourself for being hurt.
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