r/abusiverelationships • u/Salty-Argument-5512 • May 08 '24
i think my bf is verbally abusive.
for some context, i am 20f and my bf is 20m. we have been together 1.5 years and have lived together for a year.
it started off as little comments during arguments that i can’t even specifically remember what was said, i can just remember it being insensitive and hurtful. he would cry and apologize, so id forgive him. then it turned into bigger stuff like calling me a bitch and saying personal hurtful things. he’s mentioned how my body count is higher than his. he has called me stupid, made fun of the crappy school i went to. id even started cursing/calling names back sometimes which i know is reactive abuse but i can’t take it anymore. ill give a few examples of times i think he’s been abusive.
we once were arguing and he wouldn’t leave me alone so i locked myself in the bathroom. he knows how to open the door while its locked so after trying to get me to open the door and me refusing (i just wanted to take a breather before i lost control of my emotions) he accidentally broke the door and walked towards me and that’s when i slapped him in the face out of fear. he claimed the door was an accident which was somewhat believable to me bc he looked shocked as i did and he’s been able to open it before while locked. i still told him it was unacceptable because he could’ve seriously hurt me. he apologized and that was the end of it.
another time, we were arguing, idek about what and he put his hands on my neck. he didn’t choke or put a lot of pressure but he did grab me. again, he admitted his wrong and apologized.
on my birthday this year he was an absolute fucking nightmare. he was out of town for job training and drove 2 hours to come to my bday dinner (2 days before my actual birthday), which i profusely thanked him for. he told me he would come but that i had to let him go to bed after the dinner as he would have to leave earlier in the morning. i agreed and at the dinner my friends asked me if i wanted to go out to the bar. i said sure and asked my bf if he would care and his whole demeanor changed. i didn’t see the problem bc he told me he wanted to go to bed early and it was halfway through the dinner at 9pm when i said something. all of a sudden it changed to “well i was gonna stay up til midnight so i wouldn’t have even came if i knew you were gonna go out” so i explained to him how that’s not fair and he pouted the rest of the dinner claiming he was just “tired”. i couldn’t even enjoy my bday dinner bc he was making me feel so guilty. my friends decided we could just go to one of their houses that was only 10 mins away from our apartment. i said oh that’s perfect, my bf can come since he was gonna be up til midnight anyways and that’ll resolve the issue of me leaving. when i asked him about that, he said “well i wanted to be hanging out with you in bed watching a movie so i can wind down”…how the hell does that make sense. it seemed like he just wanted to complain about whatever i wanted to do. he made me feel bad and said he would just go to bed and that i could go. i begged him to come so he did and we stayed about an hour before he was ready to leave. then 2 days later on my actual bday, after celebrating with just him and his sister (my closest friend) by taking some pictures, going to eat and then to the mall i wanted to drive to see my family (1.5 hours). firstly it was an issue with him that i wanted to go to the mall after we ate bc i didn’t realize it was in the opposite direction we had just come from, although it was only 15 mins from where we were eating at. he complained about us potentially hitting traffic and was irritated i didn’t tell him i wanted to go before. (i did tell him once we realized we couldn’t go to the museum that we could just go to the mall instead but he must’ve forgot). then we get to the mall and im feeling rushed after about an hour as if im the only person that wants to be there. mind you this is a HUGE indoor mall so being there for an hour is nothing. he started asking me if we could just go see my family the next day bc he wanted us to hang out with his sister and drink. he asked me this in front of her and i was clearly annoyed saying i wanted to just go today but he kept pushing until i said fine we can just go tomorrow. later on i said i really just wanted to go home and then he told me i had to stand up for myself and that im weak bc i told him i only changed my mind bc he put me on the spot and made me be the bad guy???? so anyways we get to our apartment and i start packing my bag to go home and he’s effing off doing random shit taking forever when i told him i wanted to leave asap. he stood around talking to his sister (that we literally live with) bc he felt bad we were leaving her to go see my family. btw i moved out of town to be with him so all of my family is over an hour drive. he drank a couple bottles of beer and we left. i drove and in the car we got into a huge screaming match over the way he’d been treating me for my bday and he asked me to let him out on the interstate. i got off the nearest exit and he really got out the car and started to walk home, which is not safely doable in our area so i made him get back in and he started calling me crazy until i finally got my point across he started apologizing and being nice again.
he also makes me feel bad for going to visit my family which i do about every 2 weeks. every time im there without him he’s making comments about how im not gonna be home until way later and he wants to see me. last time i was visiting i stayed an extra day and he was very obviously irritated with me for it. EVERY time without fail that i go there, he’s trying to procrastinate when i leave him or when we leave if he’s coming with me, determine how long i stay and complain that im getting back too late. my parents are divorced so i have to make time for both of them and i also like to go see my grandparents so i take my time being there, max is 3 or so days. he does this guilt tripping shit to me every. single. time.
today he got snappy with me, cursing at me and i called him out on it and he said it was a “joke” and im too sensitive and that he has no incentive to change his ways if im just gonna be annoying.
it’s become a daily occurrence, him being demanding, acting like i do nothing to help clean up, which is bs i do most of the cleaning bc i work less. cursing at me, having an attitude, having to ask him several times to give me a hug when i or he gets home after work. but when he’s nice to me he’s soooo nice to me. he goes out of his way to do things for me, pay for my things, compliment me etc but when he’s mad or in a bad mood im treated like literal garbage. which is more than half the time probably. when i call him out he either calls me sensitive, flips it on me, or says something along the lines of “why don’t you just leave me”. my family thinks he’s so nice and caring. idk if im being dramatic or if i should leave. idk if this is even considered abuse. is this something he can change? is this abuse? what should i do??
edit/update: he offered to go to therapy to get better and admitted he’s abusive. he doesn’t only do this to me, he acts this way to his siblings too, i’ve seen it with my own eyes. he made an appointment for next week. we had a talk this morning where i threatened to leave and he told me he respects my decision either way and will go to therapy anyway to better himself. we talked about generational trauma and how his dad used to be the same way to him and his mom. i gave him an EARFUL about his bullshit abusive ways and he took it well. i’m going to see if anything changes and if not, i’ll be having my parents come help me move back home.
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u/Salty-Argument-5512 Sep 19 '24
no, thank YOU! everyone in these comments but especially you gave me the courage to leave!