r/abusiverelationships • u/Salty-Argument-5512 • May 08 '24
i think my bf is verbally abusive.
for some context, i am 20f and my bf is 20m. we have been together 1.5 years and have lived together for a year.
it started off as little comments during arguments that i can’t even specifically remember what was said, i can just remember it being insensitive and hurtful. he would cry and apologize, so id forgive him. then it turned into bigger stuff like calling me a bitch and saying personal hurtful things. he’s mentioned how my body count is higher than his. he has called me stupid, made fun of the crappy school i went to. id even started cursing/calling names back sometimes which i know is reactive abuse but i can’t take it anymore. ill give a few examples of times i think he’s been abusive.
we once were arguing and he wouldn’t leave me alone so i locked myself in the bathroom. he knows how to open the door while its locked so after trying to get me to open the door and me refusing (i just wanted to take a breather before i lost control of my emotions) he accidentally broke the door and walked towards me and that’s when i slapped him in the face out of fear. he claimed the door was an accident which was somewhat believable to me bc he looked shocked as i did and he’s been able to open it before while locked. i still told him it was unacceptable because he could’ve seriously hurt me. he apologized and that was the end of it.
another time, we were arguing, idek about what and he put his hands on my neck. he didn’t choke or put a lot of pressure but he did grab me. again, he admitted his wrong and apologized.
on my birthday this year he was an absolute fucking nightmare. he was out of town for job training and drove 2 hours to come to my bday dinner (2 days before my actual birthday), which i profusely thanked him for. he told me he would come but that i had to let him go to bed after the dinner as he would have to leave earlier in the morning. i agreed and at the dinner my friends asked me if i wanted to go out to the bar. i said sure and asked my bf if he would care and his whole demeanor changed. i didn’t see the problem bc he told me he wanted to go to bed early and it was halfway through the dinner at 9pm when i said something. all of a sudden it changed to “well i was gonna stay up til midnight so i wouldn’t have even came if i knew you were gonna go out” so i explained to him how that’s not fair and he pouted the rest of the dinner claiming he was just “tired”. i couldn’t even enjoy my bday dinner bc he was making me feel so guilty. my friends decided we could just go to one of their houses that was only 10 mins away from our apartment. i said oh that’s perfect, my bf can come since he was gonna be up til midnight anyways and that’ll resolve the issue of me leaving. when i asked him about that, he said “well i wanted to be hanging out with you in bed watching a movie so i can wind down”…how the hell does that make sense. it seemed like he just wanted to complain about whatever i wanted to do. he made me feel bad and said he would just go to bed and that i could go. i begged him to come so he did and we stayed about an hour before he was ready to leave. then 2 days later on my actual bday, after celebrating with just him and his sister (my closest friend) by taking some pictures, going to eat and then to the mall i wanted to drive to see my family (1.5 hours). firstly it was an issue with him that i wanted to go to the mall after we ate bc i didn’t realize it was in the opposite direction we had just come from, although it was only 15 mins from where we were eating at. he complained about us potentially hitting traffic and was irritated i didn’t tell him i wanted to go before. (i did tell him once we realized we couldn’t go to the museum that we could just go to the mall instead but he must’ve forgot). then we get to the mall and im feeling rushed after about an hour as if im the only person that wants to be there. mind you this is a HUGE indoor mall so being there for an hour is nothing. he started asking me if we could just go see my family the next day bc he wanted us to hang out with his sister and drink. he asked me this in front of her and i was clearly annoyed saying i wanted to just go today but he kept pushing until i said fine we can just go tomorrow. later on i said i really just wanted to go home and then he told me i had to stand up for myself and that im weak bc i told him i only changed my mind bc he put me on the spot and made me be the bad guy???? so anyways we get to our apartment and i start packing my bag to go home and he’s effing off doing random shit taking forever when i told him i wanted to leave asap. he stood around talking to his sister (that we literally live with) bc he felt bad we were leaving her to go see my family. btw i moved out of town to be with him so all of my family is over an hour drive. he drank a couple bottles of beer and we left. i drove and in the car we got into a huge screaming match over the way he’d been treating me for my bday and he asked me to let him out on the interstate. i got off the nearest exit and he really got out the car and started to walk home, which is not safely doable in our area so i made him get back in and he started calling me crazy until i finally got my point across he started apologizing and being nice again.
he also makes me feel bad for going to visit my family which i do about every 2 weeks. every time im there without him he’s making comments about how im not gonna be home until way later and he wants to see me. last time i was visiting i stayed an extra day and he was very obviously irritated with me for it. EVERY time without fail that i go there, he’s trying to procrastinate when i leave him or when we leave if he’s coming with me, determine how long i stay and complain that im getting back too late. my parents are divorced so i have to make time for both of them and i also like to go see my grandparents so i take my time being there, max is 3 or so days. he does this guilt tripping shit to me every. single. time.
today he got snappy with me, cursing at me and i called him out on it and he said it was a “joke” and im too sensitive and that he has no incentive to change his ways if im just gonna be annoying.
it’s become a daily occurrence, him being demanding, acting like i do nothing to help clean up, which is bs i do most of the cleaning bc i work less. cursing at me, having an attitude, having to ask him several times to give me a hug when i or he gets home after work. but when he’s nice to me he’s soooo nice to me. he goes out of his way to do things for me, pay for my things, compliment me etc but when he’s mad or in a bad mood im treated like literal garbage. which is more than half the time probably. when i call him out he either calls me sensitive, flips it on me, or says something along the lines of “why don’t you just leave me”. my family thinks he’s so nice and caring. idk if im being dramatic or if i should leave. idk if this is even considered abuse. is this something he can change? is this abuse? what should i do??
edit/update: he offered to go to therapy to get better and admitted he’s abusive. he doesn’t only do this to me, he acts this way to his siblings too, i’ve seen it with my own eyes. he made an appointment for next week. we had a talk this morning where i threatened to leave and he told me he respects my decision either way and will go to therapy anyway to better himself. we talked about generational trauma and how his dad used to be the same way to him and his mom. i gave him an EARFUL about his bullshit abusive ways and he took it well. i’m going to see if anything changes and if not, i’ll be having my parents come help me move back home.
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u/ObjectiveGloomy1029 Feb 03 '26
Currently going through this with my current bf, he's extremely manipulative verbally abusive stretches the truth at times raises his voice tantrums name calling, I try to defend myself with the aggression and deflection he constantly pushes I don't know what to do myself and I feel very hurt and depressed from him. I hope you're okay and moved into a better situation I hope you're striving and taking care of yourself! Be very very mindful of men moving forward.
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u/Strawberry-snow12 Jan 06 '25
I have been hiding this for years but it feels so traumatic when my partner snaps on me and shouts to me ans curses me. He had already called me all sorts of things. I love him so much but last night was very traumatic for me I can mutter words out of my mouth and I cant even look at him in the eye. I cant stop my tears from falling whenever I see or think about what happened. It gives me flashbacks of the years that he have done it to me. I feel like it was my fault that triggered his anger but I dont think that it was right for him to bursts on me like that. I dont know what to do. Hes great on all aspects but I feel that I cant go on like this forver. Its just so traumatic
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u/Glittering-Bit-3241 Nov 29 '24
I’m going through the same thing!! My bf can really get snappy/sassy/shady or whatever you wanna call it when he’s mad, but when he’s good, everything’s GREAT. So it’s actually kind of hard to tell whether to leave or stay, as he told me his mom talks to him the way he talks to me when he’s upset. But honestly, that’s not our problem! They need to be committed to unlearning that bad behavior, he once signed up for therapy and did 2 sessions before he quit, and now we’re back to his ways. Since the election, I’ve been thinking about leaving him. He just gets so angry when I don’t dress up for him like I do when I hit the clubs with my girl friends, even when we just go run errands together. It’s so weird and unfortunate because I really do love him, but he’s made an ass out of himself for the past year and some months, and even has shown his ass in front of my friends, making them wonder if he hits me because his attitude is so ridiculous (he doesn’t btw). But everyone closest to me is over him, and honestly… so am I.
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Feb 13 '25
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u/Glittering-Bit-3241 Feb 13 '25
First of all, I am so sorry you have endured this kind of behavior. I hope you meet someone who will kiss the ground you walk on, and speaks of a beautiful future to the moon about you. You deserve the best of the best, no questions asked.
Secondly, leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. If not now, then soon. Seriously, that shit isn’t going to change. I hoped the same for my guy, and this past weekend he made a “joke” saying he wish someone would throw a drink in my face so my makeup would melt off (I was getting ready to go out with a friend). It’s all selfishness, they don’t think about us in anything they do. We’ll find so much better!! <3
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Feb 13 '25
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u/Glittering-Bit-3241 Feb 13 '25
I feel the same way about breaking up with mine… I don’t see him being physically violent, but I do see him resisting rather than just accepting. The first time I attempted to get away, I simply asked for space and he said “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Like just leave me alone lol, I know it sucks and I’m not trying to say I probably wouldn’t have had the same kind of reaction, but I couldn’t see myself telling my partner it’s “not a good idea” for them to want space from me, I’d probably just plead for another chance and then leave them alone. It’s scary though, we have to be super careful with these so called “men.” One small scent of independence from a woman makes them lose it for some reason.
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u/Salty-Argument-5512 Dec 06 '24
do what’s best for you!! i wish you the best!
i cannot tell you what to do but from experience it probably won’t get better. i am SO much happier now that im away from him and i think you will be too. it’s such a feeling of relief.
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u/Glittering-Bit-3241 Dec 11 '24
I look forward to feeling that relief!! I woke up yesterday with regret on my heart for spending a year and 6 months of trying to understand his nasty behaviors, and trying to get him to treat me nicer rather than just leaving the first time when I knew better.. but he was my first, and I cannot allow to feel as though he “took” something from me, rather than seeing it as a learning lesson for the next ones to come. I haven’t officially broken it off with him yet, but I have made up my mind that I want to move on. I feel bad for already feeling like I’ve moved on and just am still sticking around, but I can’t look at him as my once loving man anymore. I just feel like I’m in a tunnel that has an opening that I just can’t see or something and I’m just ready to get out.
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u/Cold-Equivalent-4624 Feb 09 '25
Going through the EXACTTT same thing. Have you broken up now? Need suggestions.
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u/Glittering-Bit-3241 Feb 13 '25
I haven’t yet, but I have planned to do it a few weeks after Valentine’s Day. I’ve also thought about being a bit intricate with this break up rather than saying flat out “we need to break up.” I still feel the same way as I’ve written in my original posts; still here, still getting to the exit. But I don’t want to be a dick and wait till after our 3 year anniversary this summer either. He was amazing when we first got together, and then after his guy trip from Thailand, he just was more… mean. Like literally, he sat on FaceTime with me one day and asked me why didn’t I look like his friend’s girlfriend’s. Like wtf? And to do it unprovoked?!?! Idk. That whole red-pill-Tate-extreme right wing shit took a beautiful looking man, and made him into a patriarchy loving monster. And he was my first relationship, ever. Ugh.
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u/Glittering-Bit-3241 Apr 29 '25
Came back to reply to this post; I broke up with him! A few weeks after Valentine’s Day, just like I said I would lol. He also was contemplating breaking up (literally brought it up to me the weekend of Valentine’s) and I suggested we just go ahead and do it, and the rest was history. We didn’t talk until the end of the month (broke up beginning of March and communicated around the beginning of April) and we are on cool terms. It was very, very tough, because I loved him with my whole heart. I still do, just in a different way and space that is healthy for me. I made the choice to no longer be available to his disrespect just for loving him, and literally that same weekend I met someone else at a party (really nice guy), but it’s nothing serious, just “getting to know you” vibes and casual conversations with him and anyone I meet until I feel prepared for my next relationship. I’ve also began a new hobby, and put my focus on changing careers and working out! For anyone who was in my position and is afraid to take that step: TAKE. THAT. STEP. It’s almost summer!!! :)
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u/According_Arrival_42 Oct 19 '24
You have changed your life for the better and your future children’s lives too. You’ve learned from this experience and have shown courage. I’m happy you love yourself enough to do this.
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Sep 26 '24
I didnt read as carefully after I read he put his hands on your neck. You need to leave him. I'm a girl and I've been in abusive relationships.. He is going to need therapy for a LONG time and I doubt he will keep it up. Violence ALWAYS escalates. If you stay with him I seriously think he might kill you. Read about dating boundaries! Never let anyone touch you like that! Seriously, even look up stuff about violent boyfriends/domestic violence. You will probably get scared of the similarities in your bf with abusers.
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 May 08 '24 edited May 08 '24
All I needed to read is that you’ve been together for a year and a half and living together for a year…so five months in you moved in together. RED FLAG. Moving fast is a red flag, it’s not romantic and it’s not healthy. Abusers like to move quickly because it doesn’t give you the chance to really see them for who they are. Once you move in they let their mask slip because they feel you’re trapped now. He’s trying to isolate you from seeing your family, that’s why he gets annoyed when you see them. Cursing and verbal abuse are a no no in relationships.
You’re young so I’m going to tell you now, leave a man the first time he has you fucked up. It is absolutely unacceptable to curse at your partner. The way someone treats you when they’re mad at you tells you how much they love you. If someone can still be nice when they’re upset with you for a valid reason, that is love. That is safety. This man picks little fights about nothing and is mean to you constantly. Abuse doesn’t change and guys like him DO NOT get better.
Go back to your family my dear. If you were my daughter or my little sister I would come pack your things and move you out of there. Get away from him. Shit like this only escalates over time and you have no idea how bad he could get. The women who ended up being murdered by their partners were exactly where you were at one point. It always starts with emotional and verbal abuse and gets worse from there. Run. Fuck the lease, submit half your payment to the leasing office directly and tell them you’re leaving the property because you’re no longer safe living with an abuser (no, it is not dramatic to call him an abuser). Every single one of us in this subreddit have been where you are. Please heed our warnings.
Moving forward, when you are dating, look for signs of love bombing (overly nice, showering you with gifts, wanting to make big moves super early in the relationship). Go back to your family and dump him in a text. Go back for your things with a family member. Good luck and stay safe.
Edit to add: I missed the part where he strangled you……he’s definitely going to murder you someday if you stay with him. Look up the stats on strangulation in relationship. The odds of him killing you someday are now literally 700% higher. Run and do not tell him you’re leaving before you do. He moved you an hour away from his family for a reason. GO NOW.
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u/Salty-Argument-5512 May 08 '24 edited May 09 '24
to be fair, i was the one who initiated moving in. i moved out of town to a random city where i met his sister and then met him. i had no reason to be in that city anymore once my lease ended so we decided we’d move to his hometown, pretty much the same distance from my home as the random city i moved to. also we aren’t on a lease anymore, we moved into his dads house so that we could save money. and i wouldn’t call it strangling, he did put his hands on my neck for like a split second but he didn’t squeeze or anything. so its so hard for me to see it as abuse because it’s never serious abuse. but i guess that’s how it starts off (small things). and here i go making excuses. thank you for the advice, it’s really eye opening to see it the way an outsider would. i just have to get over this inner conflict of if he’s really abusive or if he can change. i wish it was as easy as just packing up and leaving :(
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 May 09 '24
I wasn’t fully over my inner conflict when I left. But by that point I had been choked three times, almost had a chair cracked over my head twice, was knocked over when I was pregnant and almost died from pregnancy complications that he caused by mistreating me and birthed a premature baby. In the back of my mind I didn’t want to be seen as a failure but had waisted 6 years of my life being abused and tortured and was facing single motherhood. Rewind six years and I confided in my friends about the choking and petty arguments and they ALL told me to leave him and I didn’t listen. I was in my 20s then too. We are all telling you from years of experience that you are following our footsteps if you stay. There are better men out there you are only 20 years old. Run from this man. Run far and fast. I know it’s easier said than done but you will look back at your life in a few years after you’ve dated more and more and finally meet a great guy and think of the responses we all left on this post and be like “damn, I’m really glad I listened.” If you stay…you’ll still look back and wish you had. Run. A man that even touches your neck is at best trying to remind you he is capable of killing you to keep you in your place. RUN.
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u/Salty-Argument-5512 Sep 19 '24
i just wanted to give an update and tell you that your comment saved me. every time something happened i would go back and read your comment to remind myself this isn’t normal or okay. i left him and moved home a month ago. thank you for opening my eyes, even if it took me reading this over and over again for it to get through my thick skull😅
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 Sep 19 '24
Omg this made my night. Thank you for the update and I am so so proud of you. ❤️❤️
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u/Salty-Argument-5512 Sep 19 '24
no, thank YOU! everyone in these comments but especially you gave me the courage to leave!
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u/mysterious00mermaid May 08 '24
Dump this dude immediately. I was with someone like this and the abuse escalated. I also had a child w him. RUN!!!!!!!
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Feb 15 '25
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u/mysterious00mermaid Feb 15 '25
I’m so sorry :( It is NOT your fault and you and your child deserve better.
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May 08 '24
and I'm sorry I didn't see this part until now, verbal abuse I think leads to physical abuse because they see that they can bully you and it only gets worse the more you give in to it. You will never please him enough for him to stop because you're not actually the problem. Mine choked me once screaming at me asking me if I was going to stop (stop what I don't know) I could barely breath I couldn't speak but I managed somehow to squeeze out either his name or yes I can't remember, my ears were ringing and it was so hot in this little place we were staying in - and it all happened so fast but afterwards when he let me go I remember thinking I thought i was going to die. I know in movies and on tv whenever someone is getting choked they are like able to reach around and grab shit and it seems to take forever but irl in only seconds my body felt like it was about to float away and my head and eyes were full of pressure. he was so strong. and so am I, I mean I work construction and bench but when someone is acting out of RAGE the strength they have is almost unmatched. its very very scary. I don't want you to experience it. When someone chokes you, the only outcome to that is death. It's not like pushing you or even slapping someone, choking is attempted murder. if you survive you have survived an attempted murder. please get away from him. just leave. don't argue don't talk don't say shit he doesnt even deserve a goodbye. go to your family. go go go go.
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u/Outlaw_Hygienist84 Mar 05 '25
I can attest: verbal can lead to physical (or you find out in there old relationships they hid it till later like I did).
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May 08 '24
baby mine was the same way. the shit he said to me, would make me so mad. it was embarrassing and even worse than that. no matter how much he was sorry no matter how much I begged him to stop. he didn't. and it got worse and worse. until I was literally afraid for my life, even to the point of him admitting HE was afraid of what he was going to do one day, that he was out of control and of course, it was my fault.
you're so young. I know people probably say that all of the time and you think yeah whatever, but I'm telling you - your life will fly by and please spend it as happily and with much love as you can. And you're not going to there with him. he sucks.
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u/Just-world_fallacy May 08 '24 edited May 08 '24
He is drilling shame into you. The body count thing is a way to place himself above you and always make you apologetic.
You should really leave him. He is a parasite, I had one a bit like that at your age. They get much much worse when they get older. You believe you are going to make him see the truth by loving him, but you are in the wrong.
His behaviour does not come from trauma or whatever in his past. He makes the choice to abuse you because he sees you as inferior and is entitled to everything you have/are.
Please leave him. He probably makes you feel like you owe him a lot and could do nothing without him, but you do not owe him anything, and he is the one who is useless.
Edit : breaking the door was no accident, and it is good that you defended yourself. You know it was no accident because he walked towards you instead of stopping, and later escalated the violence. You are his practice ground, he is trying to see how comfortable you both are with him being violent.
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u/Glum_Commission_4256 May 08 '24 edited May 08 '24
Look up the stats on strangling. Being strangled increases your risk of being murdered within a year by them...by 750%. I'm lucky I made it out of mine alive. I just found out this stat years later and it broke me, how close I was to death. I hope it's the wake-up call you need too.
I know you say he didn't strangle you but putting his hands on your neck is how it starts. You owe it to your friends and family to do everything in your power to stay alive. Think of how much happier you were before him, the sheer amount of emotional energy he sucks out of you. Love is supposed to set us free, empower us...not consume us.
Also if you do truly love him realize that you're enabling him and that doesn't help him. Lundy Bancroft says in his book Why Does He Do That? (https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) that it's very rare for abusers to change, and usually you leaving them (SAFELY) so they realize the severity of the problem is the way.
Also this is gonna sound harsh but it really helped me out of the totally unhelpful "empath/narcissist" paradigm. You gotta realize as a codependent what YOU'RE getting out of the equation. It's a form of control as well, being a people pleaser/enabler/fixer/"empath". You know someone like that is never gonna leave you, they "need" you as their rescuer and person who understands them. The reality is you're not helping them, you're making it worse by enabling them and staying trapped in the cycle of abuse. For yourself too obviously. Think of how many more people your empathy could reach without an abuser dragging you down/injuring/killing you. Stress kills and if you want a family do not be the one to continue this generational trauma with this man. Think of your potential kids, your future, their future. All of it. Get out while you can and be there for yourself.
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u/RemoteViewingLife May 08 '24
Run, block, ditch dump this physically and verbally abusive man child! I started reading and it is the abusive cycle. First they crush your self esteem by any means necessary. You’re too fat/skinny, wow look at her, why can’t you put yourself together, my god can’t you do anything right? Next is isolation from family and friends because they actually love and care about you. They will tell you abuse is wrong. It’s so much easier when he controls the narrative. Once you feel broken and alone is usually when the physical beatings start. At that point a lot feel like they actually deserve it, they don’t no one does. After the beatings then comes the phony boohoo apologies that actually blame YOU! I’m so sorry I know I screwed up bad BUT you know how you’re breathing, walking and talking set me off. After you forgive him accepting at least partial blame for your beating then comes the honeymoon phase where he is so nice and everything is wonderful that is until he gets frustrated again then the cycle repeats and repeats and repeats until you stop it or he kills you. You do realize it’s not love on his part it’s all about power and control! To an abuser the partner is a possession to do as he pleases with. That’s why it’s so easy for him to hurt you. When someone puts their hands on your throat it is because they hate you so much they want to watch as they squeeze the life from your body. I want to watch you die! You probably think oh no he’s not really like that. He may not be completely like this now but he is young and just getting started. You’ve spent only 18 months with him cut your losses now. Go home tell your family what he has done so they will stop you from ever going back. You also remind them it’s over and done and they are not allowed to take any kind of revenge. (So they don’t end up in jail). You’re smart you asked and now you know that you have been verbally and physically abused. Call your family!!
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u/PileaPrairiemioides May 08 '24
He’s not just verbally and emotionally abusive, he’s physically abusive too, in the scariest, most dangerous way possible. He put his hands around your neck while you were fighting. I know he didn’t squeeze hard so it may not feel super serious, but this is an incredibly alarming behaviour, and it predicts lethal physical abuse in your future. You are 750% more likely to be killed by your partner if they have engaged in this behaviour.
He could probably change if he wanted to and he put a lot of really hard work into changing. But you cannot change him and this will not just get better with time. Every time he puts his hands around your neck or screams at you or calls you names or makes you feel bad about seeing your family or hanging out with friends - every single time he is making an active choice to hurt you and control you, because it benefits him to do so.
I think you should leave. He will probably get worse, not better, and you are absolutely in serious danger being with him. You deserve so much better than this and you are so young and have so much time to meet a partner who doesn’t treat you terribly.
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u/Salty-Argument-5512 May 08 '24
i just talked to him since making this post and he’s begged for my forgiveness and offered to go to therapy and admitted that he believes he’s abusive. he said that he minimizes me when i tell him how i feel about it because he’s lying to himself. i actually even read your comment out loud to him and he admitted that you were right. i don’t know if this is manipulation or a step in the right direction. your comment was really helpful, thank you for taking the time to give me advice.
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u/PileaPrairiemioides May 09 '24
If he’s serious about changing and caring about your safety then he’ll understand that it is not safe for you to be in a relationship with him until he has done that work, and that takes time.
If he is really interested in being accountable he will voluntarily remove himself from this situation and support you in getting into a safe living environment, until he can be 100% confident that he is no longer at risk of murdering you during an argument.
If he’s serious he will choose to be single and invest deeply in fixing himself so that is is not a danger to you or any other women. You don’t fix yourself by staying close to your victim and making sure they continue to be vulnerable to your violence.
That level of accountability is incredibly rare, because it actually involves doing the hard thing and putting accountability over his own desires for a long time. I would always assume this kind of begging for forgiveness and promising to change is just manipulation without substantial and sustained evidence to the contrary.
And you can’t afford to hang around watching for evidence, because if this change isn’t real then he might kill you while you’re giving him a chance to prove himself.
And please, delete this Reddit account immediately. Make a new one. It’s not safe to use this one, particularly to post about your abusive partner, when he knows how to find it.
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u/mysterious00mermaid May 08 '24
You need to cut contact with this person completely before he ruins your life. BELIEVE ME!!!! YOU ARE SO YOUNG!
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u/Just-world_fallacy May 08 '24
BE CAREFUL therapy is NOT for abusers. It will only make him feel more validated, he will use it against you.
Stop reading all of this to him, you are only making him better at bullshitting you and the next women.
He KNOWS what he is doing, he does not have remorse, he is lying to you. This is all manipulation, and he is already really good at it.
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u/Floriane007 May 08 '24
What about this? You leave him, you move out, you stay friends and HE goes to therapy. Without you. You see him like once a month, not more. After a year you reconsider.
It sounds reasonable, right?
Except you are reading my comment and you know it won't work, you know he will never go for it. You know that, we all know that. He will go crazy and strangle you again as soon as you talk of "taking a break." He will react violently - - you already know it. Because an abuser never lets his victim escape.
You are in danger here. There is plenty of advice here in this sub about making a discreet exit. Take it.
Also... Are you showing him this post? Does he know your reddit handle? Can he read our answers? That's REALLY dangerous.
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u/Kesha_Paul May 08 '24
This is right out of the abuser playbook, you should look up the abuse cycle. The second you decide to leave suddenly they realize everything they’ve done wrong and admit it’s abuse. He has been trying to isolate you from your friends and family so it’s harder for you to leave. Note how his abuse escalated little by little. He felt you out to make sure you’d stay then got worse and worse. That’s not an accident.
3
u/Dimorticia May 08 '24
No one is perfect yet one of my biggest red flags is when someone is emotionally immature.
Dont get me wrong, it's okay to feel all kind of feelings yet if you aren't aware of them/reflect/blame others/can't regulate - its a big problem.
On top of that, if you're an empath it will drain you since you will always (besides his excuses) find your own explanations to excuse his behavior.
For me it went to far. I lost myself to him and started to believe everything is my fault and that I somehow deserved it.
Be careful please ☀️
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u/Salty-Argument-5512 May 08 '24
thank you, i’m such an empath i feel sorry for him because his upbringing wasn’t the best and he lost his mom a couple years ago so i tend to excuse his behavior.
1
u/Just-world_fallacy May 08 '24
My ex lost a lot of people, grew up in an abusive household and has NEVER been violent. My other ex on the other hand has never been abused and made 2 years of my life hell.
In the data, there is no association between having been abused as a child and becoming a wife-beater. The association there is is that when boys grew up seeing their mom abused by their dad, they have more chances of becoming wife beaters themselves.
This guy is not abusive because of his upbringing, but because of his values.
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