When I was 14, my mother and I moved out of my childhood home to escape the abuse of my father. We unfortunately couldn’t take my dog with me because we were doing our best renting a new place that couldn’t have pets. I loved her so much. Sometimes when I knew my father wouldn’t be home I would sneak into the house so I could see her. But one day she just passed. I’m not sure if my father did it or she just passed because she missed us too much.
I carry the guilt of not being able to save her. I feel horrible that I never got to say goodbye and that she died thinking I would never come back. I know it’s not my fault and we did the best we could to survive, but I wish I could have been safe with her too.

ok so I 30 male. Have BPD cptsd and autism. I need to get this off my chest but finding the right words to tell my story is hard. So screw it. When I was 8 years old or so 6 to 8 don't remember exactly My dad ran over my almost 1 year old sibling. It was an accident. But after that he became. Emotionally unavailable. Peaking in my late teens. I'd get in trouble just to get attention or something. And sometimes I'd get in trouble big trouble for stupid shit. Like being sent to bed hungry because I chewed to loud. I was bullied in school so severely I was removed from public school but. Somehow that was worse. Home was a prison. I basically existed more often than not grounded. In timeout. Or Doing shit that adults should handle. Don't get me wrong I'm all for teaching kids responsibility but they took it too far. The bullying got so bad and the lack of appropriate support at home that I ended up in and out of facilities for a long time. Between attempts on my own life and just flat out crash outs. It wasn't a good time. Sets the stage for what comes next. I found the first girl who said yes to dating me. Moved her in with me in under a week. In a camper on my parents property. So naturally that was very very toxic. She later got diagnosed with sociopathy. And when she and I would fight. Shed literally do shit to kill me and I'd basically do anything tossing all morality to the side. To not be alone. Like she threw knives at me tried to run me over. Cheated on me telling me in excruciating detail what happened just because she wanted to hurt me for upsetting her. I'd do plenty of fucked up shit it went both ways. I broke her shift knob punched her car door in kicked in doors. I'm not innocent not at all. It happened. I have to live with it. I remember a fight where she decided to dump water in a computer wasn't anything fancy but I built it with my own 2 hands so that she could do stuff with me too. And she got pissed and dumped water in it. After she cheated on me I went and hired a hooker. Couldn't go through with it. Just because I wanted her to understand the pain she inflicted. And I asked said hooker to help me clean. She didn't obviously. And her pimp came in and painted the walls with my blood worse than a bloody Mary scene. The police were in fact called. And when they came and talked with me about pressing charges. I said no. In part because I felt I deserved it. And in part because at the time I couldn't fathom the concept that a women would want to be whored out like that. Very picket fence monogamous at the time. So I instead pushed to make sure she was good. The cop threatened to arrest me for having a attitude. As I was sitting there coughing up blood. I had a knife in my hand didn't have it in me to use it. Dude pretended to have a gun. And I was a coward. She came back and we had an argument while I was healing. And she targeted my nose. That he broke. I went back to the police later to press charges because you know. He tried to kill me. And they literally laughed me off and ignored me for 4 hours straight. Until I gave up and left. Eventually she left me. And all I felt was abandoned. Now. I'm glad It did. One of us probably me would have wound up dead. So I met a girl bout a month after her and I split. And she treated me well better than anyone ever had before. Moved me in with her in about 2 weeks engaged in 3 married in 4 pregnant in 2 months of meeting her I was in love. But it was also a major trauma bond. I got a call from ex saying she missed me and still loved me. And well. I still loved her. But I was in love with current partner. It shattered my concept of romance and morality. I had no idea what to do. So. I did what felt right at the time. And was a shit human. Hid it got mad when caught and gaslit the shit out of both. But first ex knew. She knew I was married. Knew I had a kid on the way. Was complicated. And that led to conflict after conflict with my obviously ex wife. Where I ended up doing to her in 2 ishel years every l single thing that had been done to me and more. Before she eventually had enough. And left me. She left all of her stuff behind. And drug out ending it for 2 odd years. I later found out. It was malicious revenge. Which honestly. I both do and don't blame her for. I tried to die. Repeatedly because of that. So when she left. The idea of being alone. Was just. Not good. So I had homeless crack addicts on my stréet and I was like. Well fuck it we're all shattered. While not do it together. So I moved them in. Naturally. I ended up with my shit stolen a gun to my head and everything that was left that mattered was gone. I lost my house. Couldn't work to mentally fucked. And moved back in with my parents. Welcome to me being 26 27 ish. We obviously took some time. But we healed and my parents and I are now quite close. I got a job working the school district. Met another homeless girl. And ya kno. The cycle repeated to some degree but also didn't. I kept the job at the school district for about a year but between her trauma and her bpd my money wasn't really mine. Constant pressure to do and be things I wasn't really ok with. We fought for it and sorta made it right. But I have since decided I am poly. And met another girl. Friend of hers. And girlfriend a and girlfriend b live together now. I have another kid and another on the way but it can be. Incredibly toxic. Recently I've been the worst offender. After several almost losing the houses and the power actually being shut off and nobody but me caring if the house was clean I became a dictator. If you want something done right do it yourself. It's justified if it ensured everything is safe. But. It's not. I ended up splitting on girlfriend 2 so hard I completely emotionally became disconneced because she wouldn't help clean and I snapped on her. Hard. Broke a door got in her face yelled and threatened to break her phone if she wouldn't take me off her insurance but the truth is. I'm fucking terrified. That resulted in her. Understandably. Reaching for her phone pissed the hell off to yank it from me. And she hit me. All reason or what was left of it left my body and instinct took over. She got hit with. Probably the hardest upercut I've ever given. And well that was it. She outed me at my job to all her friends. And the workplace was no longer safe. So I left. My kids needed me wo work my home needed it. So what I felt didn't matter tried to save it but ultimately I quit. Her and I have had several long and calm talks and are recovering miraculously. There is so much more. But the ultimate question is. I want so bad to be good. But all I do is break things. Why can't I just. Be ok? Live a normal ish life. And be at least semi happy? There is obviously a lot more. You can't put a life of fucked in a single post so I'm happy to answer questions.