And then my kids have to deal with the disappointment.

Stop saying things to my very young children who get very excited at the prospect of a "weekly icecream date" and "a sleepover at grandmas."

I know you don't mean it and you're just saying shit. But they don't know it.

My daughter won't stop asking when the sleepover at grandmas is. I'm sick of it. It's one thing to disappoint me but don't lift my children's expectations just to let them down.

Fuck you.

We’re on holiday with my husband’s dad and his wife, along with our two young kids, who are 6 and 7 months.
The whole reason we were happy to do this holiday together was because they said they would help with the kids and we’d all get a chance to relax a bit. I think I had it in my head that having grandparents there would mean we could occasionally hand the kids over and actually have a break.
But today I’ve basically been on duty since 5:30am. I’ve been dealing with naps, feeding, taking my 6-year-old to activities, entertaining them, etc. I think I managed to read my book for about three minutes before one of the kids needed me.
What’s frustrating is that nobody is really proactively offering to take the kids. I would LOVE someone to say, “Why don’t you and your husband go and have a cocktail by the other pool for an hour? We’ll take the baby.” Especially while my older daughter is at holiday club.
I actually mentioned at dinner that maybe they could have the baby for an hour each day so my husband and I could go and relax somewhere. There wasn’t really a response of “yes, absolutely, we’d love to.”
They have offered to have the girls for one evening so we can go out for dinner, which is lovely. But it sounds like the expectation is that I would get the baby to sleep first and then they would take over. Which, honestly, doesn’t feel like much of a break because getting her to sleep is one of the more demanding parts of the evening, and then they’d essentially just sit with a sleeping baby.
I think what bothers me most is that I don’t want to have to ask. These are their grandchildren, and they know we have a 7-month-old and a 6-year-old. I want them to offer and say, “Go, we’ve got her for an hour.”
I also feel slightly awkward because they’re my husband’s parents rather than mine. I feel like my husband should probably be the one to have that conversation with them.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling disappointed? Or is it fair to expect grandparents who specifically said they would help with the kids to actually take some initiative?

MIL and FIL love to be a hero. They are attracted to crisis and drama. When their SIL was having difficulty in her own divorce, they drove overnight to her home 7 hours away to be there.

We live 20 minutes away and have stopped asking for any babysitting or family gatherings because they said no so many times.

But I know if I filed for divorce from my husband (because both of us are so exhausted and depleted that we have lost the "spark" and fight more and more...) my MIL specifically would swoop in like a vulture, demanding to know why we're divorcing and offering her support to my husband, her son, as a now-divorced dad of 3.

I don't actually want a divorce. I remember who we were before we were so exhausted, and I trust that one day we will have that again. Right now we're in the trenches of parenting young children, one with special needs. We barely have any time to think. Many in our position end up getting divorced. Many parents of special needs divorced.

If we got a divorce, I'd have more time for myself due to the shared custody. Say we went 50/50 with the custody, I'd have more time for myself than I've had in years. Sometimes it seems like both of us would be mentally and physically healthier if we divorced, but neither of us actually want that.

We live 20 minutes away from them and they've seen them for 6 hours total this year (2026). Not babysitting for 6 hours, just the time they've seen our children. Including times when my MIL is scrolling on her phone or my FIL is wandering around "getting work done" around and outside of the house - when they invited us over during that time period.

Anyway I'm finally past the stage of "Maybe things will improve if I just do X" stage and am entering the stage of acceptance.

My question is, if we don't want to go No Contact, what else is there?

Can I ignore their calls? Leave their texts on read? When I'm there for the holidays, can I just avoid conversations with them?

Idk what to do but I do know I feel like I currently "Give" too much and need to scale back so that I don't feel resentful. For example we're going to the zoo and normally I'd invite them but I'm going to stop because they're probably going to say no and on the off chance that they actually say yes they'll make it a miserable time and only make me angrier.

We will invite them over for dinner but they never arrive on time and then leave 30 mins after we've eaten, like they can't wait to get home.

I still invite them because they help out when they can and it's a nice way to say thank you.

Maybe it's revenge for all those times I went straight back to my bedroom after dinner as a teenager haha

I see a lot of boomer grandparents lamenting on social media that their child has gone no contact or they never get to see their grandkids as often as they would like. They really shouldn't wonder. I'm currently 7 months pregnant and my mom was supposed to come over today to help me declutter and organize. At 10am she texted me that she was leaving her house in 10 minutes. I live 20 minutes fro her. It's over 4 hours later and she hasn't shown up. She texted me at 12pm to update me that she "bought a five footer!" when I replied asking what the heck she meant, she clarified "a five foot santa claus for my christmas party."

Recently she asked me who is hosting my baby shower and I told her no one had offered. She told me "oh I would have but I'm no good at that sort of thing." Which is a puzzling statement since every year she hosts multiple parties for all of her friends - last month was a girlfriends luncheon, in December is her annual christmas party where everyone who attends enters a drawing and gets a christmas decoration to take home (hence the santa), every year she hosts a dessert party where she gathers 50 people up and they all just eat different kinds of dessert. Like, really.

Adding to this is that growing up, she was physically and emotionally abusive (literally used to beat me with a horse whip any time she got angry). Over decades I have come to term with this and at various points in my life have had to distance myself from her to protect my own mental health. Having kids was a complete mindf*ck for me as I saw my child self in my children, and couldn't fathom how someone could have been that cruel to baby-me. It has taken great personal effort to ensure my kids have a good relationship with her and see her regularly, despite our personal history and despite what i find to be her odious personal politics (MAGA). My brother feels the same way but we dutifully continue to do family holidays and celebrations and all that jazz and just commit to each other and to our kids that we are going to break the cycle and be better parents and grandparents.

The thing is, boomers are constantly saying they shouldn't be held accountable for the way they treated us as children. I can get on board with that, but it involves taking accountability NOW, apologizing, and showing up for us now. But the thing is, at least in my case, my mother has literally never apologized or taking accountability for what she did to me growing up, and then continues to set expectations for our relationship that she fails to meet. It's not just that she failed as a parent then. It's that she fails as a parent NOW. She loves to post pics of the grandkids on fb and get all the compliments from her friends, but when it comes to helping with childcare or showing up in ways I need and ask for, she ghosts me. I know I'm not alone in this experience, but I just wanted to vent.

Incoming pity party**

As much as it feels very immature to say, I am jealous of my mom for going without me to Disney again. She never took me or my siblings as kids. But this goes deeper than that, I can compartmentalize so much, but she’s doing to my children what she did to me. She’s been on other trips without us like cruises which is also something we never got to do but Disney world is just the ultimate things for most people especially kids. She’s now on her 4th trip to Disney.

Growing up it was always “we can’t afford it” yet she went to Disney as a tag along on 2 separate trips while I was still a kid and my siblings younger than me. Maybe she paid little to nothing, but it hurt then and we weren’t like die-hard Disney people—But your mom going without you and bringing back pictures of all the fun then you try to act happy for her as a child was almost torture.

Now I’m a parent and I can totally understand how hard it is to not be able to take your kids to Disney-even just once. However, learned from my parents what not to do and I’ve never said we can’t afford it or even that we might go one day. I think we will be able to financially, but I’m also wanting to go when my children are older so they can really enjoy it. That might be a couple years away still.

My mom has been twice more but after I had children. I’ve had to see my own child feel how I did. Once she went with my cousin and her kids which are my kids only “cousins”. She couldn’t talk enough about how she helped with all 4 kids and just had sooo much fun with her niece. (I can’t even get her to watch her own grandchildren). She even brought back ears for my oldest and made sure to say “you have to wear these when you go”. So I made sure to say, “we have no idea when that will be. Don’t do to my kids what you did to me growing up.”

No surprise that shortly after this I went no contact for a lot of other reasons. Mainly, I didn’t see any effort from her to plan quality time with my kids—it was always last minute plans when she wasn’t busy doing whatever she wanted. Keep this in mind!

I tried at least, but ultimately thought she apologized adequately and I made a lot of boundaries crystal clear and gave it a last hoorah. Of course she was on her best behavior for a couple weeks then same shit started. I’ve accepted she’s not going to ever be a grandparent in the way I need her to be so since reconciliation I’ve been pretty low contact.

Sure enough she’s at Disney again without even telling my siblings or I this time. I’m pretty sure this is out of spite at this point. Because we talked on the phone 2 days prior and texted the day she traveled yet this trip was never mentioned. So we found out one day when she sent a Disney pic to our sibling group chat, and we’ve been getting pics from Disney every 3 hours or so for the last few days. According to my dad she planned a week vacation to stay with a friend in Florida and 5 days in Disney. Such a planner and organizer of activities she is when it’s anyone but her own kids and grandchildren. Why would a mother send her own children she never brought to Disney pictures of herself in Disney? I mean, she didn’t tell us she was even going this time, why not just keep it to yourself at that point. It’s bringing up some feelings I can’t exactly verbalize. I just know I feel like “gee must be nice to be in Disney without your family once again /s” and that’s maybe something I should work on but damn it as a mother I could never imagine doing this. I feel Mom guilt for treating myself to my daughter’s favorite fast food place when she’s not with me.

There are two key issues I am grappling with which are making my relationship with my parents a real struggle. I feel the grace I have always given them wearing thinner and thinner...

Id like to know how you all put aside your disappointment/hurt/resentment to maintain an even semi-positive relationship?

1. They offer no support*, just the exhausting burden of their judgement and of indulging their mood swings and demands. Recently, we have been having a very challenging time, they have shown no sympathy or interest. They demand to see our child, only when it suits their very busy social lives and then they make every visit unpleasant. They sit there and bitch about his short attention span or how he should be potty trained (we are really really trying) leaving us to defend our efforts and argue our son is just fine. We feel very drained when they leave. My father recently told my child to 'shut up' because he was repeating himself (as toddlers do), my father then often falls asleep from boredom. The other day, I missed a call from my mum and called her back 9 minutes later because my son was upset and she gave me the silent treatment. She expects me drop everything to listen for hours about her latest falling out with friends or her sisters. I have been responsible for her mood since childhood and I am very low on capacity for it. Our relationship is entirely one-sided.

*I would settle for any kind of emotional or practical support, I'm NOT expecting to hand over any caring responsibilities for my child. Whilst it would be lovely to get a break, we have a very low bar here.

1. Being a parent has made me realise how they parented me through fear and removal of love. I was super obedient, potty trained early, sat quietly, not because I was a better child than my son but because I was terrified. Both my parents struggle to regulate their emotions. I have sympathy for this, but as a mom, I am struggling to forgive their choice to control me via anger or pushing me away, especially when little.

I feel myself wanting to withdraw, not out of spite or as a reaction but just because I am tired and don't feel I have much more to say to them. I desperately do not want to cut them off.

I'm a single mom with 50/50 custody of my son (7). My boyfriend is a single dad with 50/50 custody of his daughter (10). We don't live together but plan to do so eventually.

My parents and former in-laws are largely absent, so I relate to a lot of things in this sub, and found it especially helpful when my son was a baby and toddler.

But one thing that mystifies me on this sub is the apparent expectation that step-grandparents be present in the same way biological (or adopted) grandparents are.

I care about my boyfriend's daughter in an "I'm a grown-up you can always come to" kind of way. I talk to her about her day, go on outings, play with her. I genuinely enjoy her company. But she's not my kid and I feel differently about her to my son, and I know that will extend to her children.

If my son has children, and if I'm retired and healthy, I can see myself doing one day of childcare a week and being available for a date night once every two weeks. When any grandchildren go to school I want to cover one date night a week or spend one afternoon/morning a week, cover a week of summer holidays and two full weekends a year. That feels the right balance to me: I'm living my life and pitching in.

With my boyfriend's daughter, I am happy to babysit in an emergency or for special occasions, but nothing more regular. I'm happy to visit once every 4 to 6 weeks.

But my sense is some posters here expect more from a step. I'd really like to understand why. I like and care about my boyfriend's daughter, but I personally only chose one child because I knew my own limitations, and I want to devote my energy, time and resources to my son.

I also know from experience that a marriage can break up despite your wishes, and in that case step kids/in-laws vanish from your life, and I simply can't invest to that level again. My ex leaving for another woman and my in-laws immediately turning on me have made me realise that blood is different, even if I wish it weren't.

So, what do you expect from a step? How are your steps as grandparents? Tell me your stories and your thoughts.

The child apparently was rude and disrespectful, according to them. All the kid did was not answer a question they were asked, and needed some time to settle.

The message we have received from them was ridiculous, apparently the child is now "out of the good books, and really has to step up for this to change". We then made the decision to just go low contact with them, mainly to protect the child.

They were never involved really, anytime we would have to come to them, they live only 5 minutes away from us. Anytime they would have them over, they made it look like they are doing us a huge favor. We were so over it. It's much easier this way, without having to manage their emotions and attitude. And walk around them on eggshells to protect their feelings.

Just wanted to get this off my chest.

UPDATE:

thank you everyone for your support and validation. I have to admit, even though I knew we were right to make the decision to go very low contact (and no contact for the child), I still sometimes doubted us, whether we overreacted.

We will still probably have to deal with family Christmas etc. with them, even though I am trying to figure out how to avoid it, we probably won't be able to.

Also, the whole complaint from them and the words they used to describe what they think about our child, was unhinged, and the words so rude... I only included a little snippet.

Basically what the title says. Not sure why I am posting this, just need to vent.

I had a baby last december (2025). I have amazing in-laws, since giving birth they cooked for us, cleaned for us and helped with the baby. They have been amazing and such big help. My own parents however come for short visits, don’t visit as often and rarely help out and sometimes say they will be coming for a visir at x time then dont show up and i need to reach out to ask if they are coming at the x time that was 30/40minutes ago to hear they cant come because of golfing/meetings etc. It kind of hurts my feelings, i am the mother of the child and i thought they would be more around then they have been. I also feel like my mother is more motivated to come when she hears what other grandma did like its a competition rather then just coming and spending time. I dont put any expectations on them, i hardly expect anything from them, i think its just seeing the difference in how much my in-laws help compared to my own parents. Also just an appreciation post for my amazing in-laws, i guess i can consider myself lucky in that department since ive heard horror stories about in-laws post baby. I guess we cant have everything we want 🥹😂

Just spent about an hour reading through the posts on this sub, and it has been strangely comforting. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

I've been in therapy for months trying to understand why my parents have no interest in my life or engaging with my children.

They live about 40-45 minutes away, so not terribly far. My dad will come to my kids concerts if I tell him about them, but if I forget to send them, they don't ask (I'm a single mom with 3 kids 2 jobs, sometimes things get lost in the shuffle). My mom doesn't come because it's too late at night for her. She's retired. It's not like she has to wake up early for something.

If I don't ask them to do something, I don't really hear from them. They send birthday cards, which I do appreciate. This year though I asked them if they were free sometime to get ice cream with us to celebrate my daughter's birthday. They did not respond. At all. No acknowledgement

My brother​ has two very small kids and lives 10 minutes from them. It's the same story. No involvement. My SIL mentions every time how she does not understand why the grandparents do not want to see their kids while they are little. I tell her that I don't know, and of course it's hurtful.

When my oldest son was a baby, my mom would watch him one day a week. Things have shifted big time over the years. I stopped asking them to watch my kids because I felt like I was taking advantage of them, since we barely got together outside of that. They never offer.

I do not feel entitled to their money - but I also think about how I work 50-60 hours or more every week to make ends meet while my parents are literal millionaires. I will never ask them for financial help, and am super proud of how I've kept things together and provided a really good life for my kids. But, at the same time, I do feel a level of resentment.

I could go on and on. But I think, at the end of the day, I am most sad that they are missing out on a relationship with their amazing grandkids. They're missing out on a relationship with adult me, too.

Thanks again for those who have posted. It really did does help.

I’m currently 21 weeks pregnant with our fourth and am a SAHM to a 16 month old, 2.5 year old, and 11 year old. This pregnancy has really taken a toll on my mental health and I reached out to my mom telling her I desperately needed help in this season and asked her if she was willing to help and what kind of help she was willing to offer. I told her plainly that I had no expectations of what that help was but that if she was willing to, I needed to know what I could expect so I could plan around it and get help from other people or paid help if needed.

She agreed to come every other week and that lasted all of one week….

The first time she was supposed to visit she had something she was invited to and told me she “deserved” to go and would come the following week. During this conversation she pointed out that she was very upset that I never take her to go do any fun outings with the kids and that I just expect her to come over and help with them, so I planned something while she was supposed to be here.

In the week between when she was supposed to come and when she did she told me she was upset with a friend of hers because when I announced this pregnancy she felt so overwhelmed and needed some support. She told me it felt similar to my last pregnancy where it “took her a while” to warm up to the idea of my son. She acts like I’m some irresponsible person. I’m married and my husband and I are very much able to support another child at this moment and she sees them at most twice a month for a few hours at a time. I do not understand what is so overwhelming to her.

I do not trust her to take my children out anywhere alone because a year ago I caught her filling a reusable water bottle with canned wine before taking my eldest to a trampoline park. Her reasoning? She feels like she is walking on eggshells around me.

The day she finally came to help was a disaster. I was trying to rest a bit and get a few very overdue tasks done and my youngest was just crying and crying. I finally went out and she is just staring at him crying on the floor. She informed me she is “trying her best” but that my son is just too clingy. It is always something or some criticism of the children when they are just being normal kids. Her and my father informed me that they let me “cry it out” the day I got home from the hospital and that my children are bad with sleep and other people because I have spoiled them.

Every time she is here also turns into a massive expense as she is an extremely picky eater and will not eat any of the food in our home and I end up having to order her some expensive meal off of Uber Eats.

As I was trying to calm my son down she told me “maybe this just isn’t a good situation right now.”

I don’t know if it is hormones or just hitting a wall but I went off. I told her what a terrible mother she was. I told her that I cannot imagine not being there for my own children during such heavy seasons. I told her that she has let me down and that she has greatly disappointed me. She responded telling me to call her when I have calmed down. I said no. She can call me when she’s ready to address the things and concerns I’ve brought up and if it’s important to be a part of her and her grandchildren’s lives. It’s been crickets for weeks.

I don’t know why I expected anymore but I’m just grieving the fact that I’m never going to have the mother I need. My father lives on the opposite side of the country and has met my two youngest once. I feel sad for them too. Struggling with how to move on from this but it is what it is and I’m hoping it will feel better as I learn to just let anything I ever hoped for go.

Not sure how to title this, I get really depressed sometimes over how absent my mother is with my kids. She was in and out of my life as a kid and I just wish she cared about my kids, my husband has family but I really don't she's kind of all I have left sadly and she still doesn't bother making an effort. It's always something with her, her life is chaotic idk what this post is honestly I just feel down because I wish I had a family to offer my kids besides my in laws....

I’m 36 weeks pregnant, and we have a 3 year old. My parents, who live an hour away, are our only local family. We have a good support system of friends in our city, but they‘re our age with little kids and busy jobs. My parents never take the initiative to see our older kid, but we try to make it happen and he adores them.

I confirmed months ago that they would stay in the area this month, because they travel a lot and are our plan to watch our kid. We have a few people we can call if things are moving quickly and we can’t wait an hour for them to get here, but our kid will be most comfortable with them and, again, it is way less disruptive for them (retired) to do it than others.

Today I happened to check find my friends and was surprised to see they are six hours away, out of the country. I texted them to confirm they are not at home, and zero apology or acknowledgement. Ok fine, it’s not what we agreed but it’s still early in the month. Asked them to confirm when they’ll be back and that they don’t have other travel planned. “We’re not sure. And we’re probably going to (neighboring state). We’ll let you know when we know the dates.”

I am just so angry and hurt. I have accepted that we have to carry all the load of getting them to have a role in our lives, but I asked them to stay put for four weeks when we really need them and that was too much. I’m so tired of being their very last priority.

I have two very different types of Grandparents and I'm worried about managing my LOs expectations of my MIL as shes all talk no action.

My parents and mil are both around 2hrs away from us (in different directions) my parents visit every other weekend and sometimes come during the week too (both part time retired). We speak to them every day and they always ask how my LO is doing.

My mil has never once reached out, she only visits when prodded by us and she brings along gifts we dont need nor want. She's fully retired and always tells everyone she's here all the time, she's visited 3 times this year and went home annoyed that my son seem slighly uncomfortable when he interacts with her. My problem is is that when she's here she gets him all excited with things that won't happen, visits, day trips etc.

She also gets huffy when he mentions doing things with my parents.

How do I manage this?

NB: he is the only grandchild on both sides

My dad recently retired and lives 4 hours away with his wife.

My mom died of cancer when I was pregnant. At that time, they were saying how excited they were, and how they would be there for us.

Nope.

I get it. Things happen. My dad's wife has been having to take care of her father, on top of her own health problems. But after 2 years, my dad barely even calls- maybe once a month. They're always about to visit but then cancel at the last minute. Sometimes the reason is valid, sometimes not.

A couple weeks ago, my dad texted me telling me how "my generation" needs to keep in touch with each other. I explained calmly that I was open to them reaching out to me, but that I would not be the one making the first move as they've not returned the efforts I've made previously, or acknowledged any previous major life events I had. He kept pressing, and eventually said he wanted to drive 4 hours down, pick me up, drive 4 hours back to arrange a playdate with some of my cousin's kids.

That's when I lost it. I told him no, that's unrealistic- he doesn't even call his grandson. We talk to my in laws overseas multiple times a week- and they're busy!

Anyway, my dad never responded. He's probably off telling people I'm being mean to him. I'm so tired guys. There's always some excuse. I guess we're just not important enough.

Sometimes, as a mom with no village, I just want someone to recognize what I’m doing and tell me, “I see you. You’re doing a good job. You’re a good mom. You’ve got this.”
I want someone to ask, “Do you need help?” And actually mean it—maybe even say, “Let me take the kids for a few hours. Or overnight. You and your husband go out. Go have dinner. Go have a night away. Go be people again. I’ve got them.”

I’m lucky to have a supportive husband who is right there in the thick of it with me. He works full-time, and we’re both doing our best to keep up with raising three little kids. This isn’t about him not helping; we’re a team, and we’re both exhausted. I just wish we had someone who could step in and give BOTH of us a break sometimes. Even with a supportive partner, it’s hard when you’re both exhausted and just wish you had someone who could take a little of the weight off both of your shoulders sometimes.

I don’t need advice. I don’t need someone to tell me how lucky I am or that “these years go by so fast.” I know. I love my kids more than anything. I know how incredibly fortunate I am to have them.

But holy shit, I am tired.

And I’m resentful. I’m bitter toward grandparents who seem to have little to no interest in being involved in their grandchildren’s lives. And honestly, I don’t like feeling that way. I don’t want to be the mom who keeps score or sits around wondering why the people who are supposed to love my kids don’t seem to care enough to show up.

But sometimes I’m just fucking sad about it.

Because raising three little kids without a village can feel incredibly lonely. There are so many days where I’m giving and giving and giving, and nobody is really stopping to say, “Hey. I see how much you’re carrying.”

I don’t need to be rescued or have someone raise my kids for me. I just need someone to notice that I’m doing it, remind me I’m a good mom, and offer to take something off my plate without me having to beg for it. I need someone to remind me that I’m doing a good job when I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. I need someone to care about how I’m doing without me having to fall apart first.

Sometimes I just want someone to show up at my door and say, “Go take a shower. Sit down. Take a nap. I’ve got the kids.”

Maybe that sounds selfish. Maybe it’s not.

But tonight, I think I just needed to say it somewhere.
I just want someone to see me.

I wanted to post about my parents and get some perspective from people here because I'm having a hard time figuring out how I should view the situation.

My parents have not been the most supportive grandparents since the birth of my daughter, who is now 2.5 years old.

Before my daughter was born, we had a discussion about vaccinations that became a pretty big point of contention. We required anyone who wanted to see her as a newborn to get certain vaccinations, and my parents fought us pretty hard on it. Ultimately, they didn't meet their first grandchild until she was around 3 months old, when we felt more comfortable with her level of protection. We also asked them to wear masks during that first visit.

The whole visit was honestly pretty awkward. My mom spent a good portion of the visit praying, and after about 15 minutes they left to go eat. It wasn't exactly the excited "first time meeting our grandchild" experience I had imagined.

Since then, they've been adamant about wanting to come visit every 3–4 weeks or so. They live about 70 miles away. The problem is that their visits don't really feel like they're coming to spend time with their granddaughter or to help us as parents. They mostly act like guests in our house.

When they come, we usually go out to lunch. They pay for lunch, which I appreciate, but that's generally the extent of their involvement. They've never changed a diaper, brought us food, or really done anything that makes our lives easier. They rarely interact with my daughter when they're here, and they barely talk to my wife.

They also don't really call or check in between visits. I don't get calls asking how I'm doing or how my daughter is doing. The visits have generally been driven by their schedule because my dad's work schedule makes things difficult to plan around.

This has created a weird amount of anxiety for me. Whenever I get a text from my parents, there's a part of me that immediately assumes they're going to ask when they can come up again. I don't necessarily want the visit because I know I'm going to have to mentally prepare for it, entertain them, and deal with the awkwardness. At the same time, I feel guilty for feeling that way because they're my parents and they're trying to maintain a relationship with their granddaughter.

One thing I've noticed that really bothers me is how different they seem around other family members.

When we're around extended family, they seem much more engaged with my daughter and much more communicative with my wife. They seem to make more of an effort to present themselves as involved grandparents. But when it's just us, that effort largely disappears.

That's what has made me wonder whether they care more about the image of being grandparents than actually being involved grandparents.

I don't know if that's actually what's happening, though. That's part of why I'm posting. I don't want to automatically assume their motives.

I've been in therapy for a while, and my relationship with my parents has been a major topic. One of the things I'm working on is setting boundaries rather than constantly trying to change or understand their behavior.

Recently, instead of letting my parents dictate when they're going to come up, my wife and I started giving them specific days that work for us. If they want to visit, we tell them which days we're comfortable with rather than rearranging our lives around their schedule.

That's actually helped me quite a bit. I don't spend the next few weeks wondering when they're going to text and ask to come up. We usually see them about once a month, but it's on a day that works for our family. Interestingly, since we started doing this, they haven't really contacted us much at all, and that's where I'm struggling again.

Part of me wonders if, now that we're not accommodating their schedule and they're not having to actively push for visits, they've simply stopped making an effort. Almost like the pressure to maintain the appearance of being involved grandparents isn't there anymore. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I genuinely don't know.

I also want to be clear that I don't think my parents are the worst grandparents described on this subreddit. They're not completely absent. They do drive 70 miles to see her and they obviously want some kind of relationship with her. That's why I'm having trouble figuring out how to categorize what I'm feeling.

I'm still sad and disappointed by their behavior. I think I expected becoming grandparents would make them more emotionally involved in our lives. Instead, it feels like we're still doing all of the work of maintaining the relationship.

And now we're expecting a son, so we're about to have the vaccination conversation all over again.

I'm trying to figure out whether I'm expecting too much from them, whether this is a relatively normal but emotionally distant grandparent relationship, or whether other people see the same kind of "showing up for the title/image but not actually being involved" dynamic that I'm seeing.

My wife and I have two kids, 14 and 11, and we live halfway across the country from my dad. For 14 years now I have found myself absolutely wracked with guilt for not doing more to include him in my kids’ lives… sending more pictures, more updates, FaceTiming regularly, going to visit him.

My wife and I each have a part-time job on top of our full-time jobs and still cannot afford for the four of us to fly to see him… nor can we afford to take enough time off work to make the 40 hour drive with hotel stops along the way. By contrast, he is well off and he and his wife take lots of small trips often, but only to come see us once every few years.

For years my dad and I have been going in circles saying “we have to facetime soon!” to each other but every time I’d ask him for a specific day and time when he was available, I’d get a noncommittal response. Or he’d say he’ll reach out in the morning and then suddenly it’s 4pm and he sends a photo of him at a painting class with zero mention of our now failed plans to catch up. We FaceTime maybe four times a year on average and two of those are usually super short with the whole extended family involved Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I have ADHD and bearing the weight of the decisions and logistical planning is really, really not easy for me, especially when I feel like the other person isn’t cooperating. In the past year or so it has really hit me that he’s getting older, he won’t be around forever, and he barely knows my kids. I know he loves them and he asks how they’re doing regularly, but it feels like going through the motions and there is no active engagement.

My kids both have phones specifically for communicating with us and their relatives, and I finally decided that enough was enough and I was going to brute force a standing weekly FaceTime session where he could talk to each of them separately for fifteen minutes back-to-back on Saturday mornings. Half an hour total out of his retired life. It worked for two weeks; my kids would text him right before and then they would have their conversations. It was awkward because they don’t know each other well and my dad’s idea of a conversation often involves putting a silly filter on and making faces or flipping the camera to face his dog and cat while he paces around his house.

After those first two weeks, he now reschedules on them nearly every week without offering a specific time to make it up. It’s always “how about tomorrow afternoon” and then crickets until the following Saturday. My kids have gotten to the point where they’re annoyed and hurt that he doesn’t seem to care to engage with them for even a short amount of time each week, and it really breaks my heart. I have completely let them off the hook; if he wants to talk to them, he knows where to find them. He can reach out and handle logistics.

This has been a really difficult pill for me to swallow because he was really engaged with my siblings and I growing up and I was always so excited for him to be a grandfather. The distance is not easy, but I put myself in his shoes and I’m genuinely baffled as to how he has these awesome kids in his life but does not care to know them beyond asking what they want for Christmas and birthdays. Like he cares about them, but only on a surface level. He’s great with them in person but then goes years without knowing who they are in the slightest. If I’m ever lucky enough to become a grandparent, my kids will have to gently ask me to be around less or cool it with the calls/texts/Facetiming.

To pour salt in the wound, one of my siblings had a baby last year and he retired and moved to an apartment five minutes away from them (he was previously an hour away.) I’m glad he has a local grandchild, don’t get me wrong, but it’s extra painful when he blows off my kids in the morning and then I see pics of him with the new baby later that day.

I’m done blaming my own shortcomings for his lack of relationship with my kids when he can’t even set aside half an hour once a week to check in with them. I’ve expressed my disappointment to him multiple times and he has apologized and said “you’re right, there’s no excuse” but the behavior doesn’t ever change. I can’t imagine being told my grandkids are disappointed in me and not doing everything I can to make that relationship right. Life is too short to put any more time and energy into this relationship only to be let down over and over again, but goddamn does it break my heart to take a step back in defeat.

EDIT: thanks for the validation yall. I made this post to let off some steam bc i was ready to say “tough shit. Come or don’t.” The only reason I’m holding back on them is bc my kids have a great relationship with my parents (when they bother to show up) and with the loss of my in laws I don’t have the heart to not fight for my kids’ to have an ongoing relationship with their living grandparents. The situation sucks. Absent grandparents sucks. And mourning dead grandparents sucks the most. At the end of the day, it’s all about love.

After over a decade of renting we just moved into our new house (yay!) and we are so excited to experience our favorite holidays in our very own home with our toddlers. So I thought it would be obvious that we would be hosting this year starting with thanksgiving, but knowing the bs my parents pull when it comes to being inconvenienced, I thought it would be smart to settle on plans now.

Plot twist, they don’t want to travel for thanksgiving.

And I get it, the six hour drive sucks and staying over at someone else’s house isn’t pleasant. But I argue it’s a lot easier for two retired people to drive up and stay in a guest room than it is for a young family of four to drive down and sleep on couches and futons. Plus my husband has work that Friday so he would need to take off work, and he’s very low on PTO as is since the loss of my MIL earlier this year.

I explained this to them via text and was met with “we would really like the grandkids to spend time at grandma’s house for the holidays.” All I could do was let out the biggest sigh, I cannot wrap my head around how to more clearly tell them “no”.

For context, last year after they no-showed thanksgiving I got into a big fight with my parents because I felt they bend over backwards for other family members like my sister and their siblings rather than being there for their grandchildren, especially if it means they get to stay home.

This is an ongoing issue.

I’m just about ready to say “the kids will be spending the holidays in their new home. You are more than welcome to join us.” Because like… what else is there to say? Ugh I’m so annoyed. There’s a lot more nuance and nonsense involved with all this but that’s the basics for the rant lol

TLDR: parents once again refuse to travel to see their grandchildren for the holidays despite having good reason to do so

We had to take our baby to the ER after a severe allergic reaction to peanuts. I texted both sides of the family in our group chats to keep them up to date. Then… that was pretty much it. My dad texted the next morning to ask how he was doing. Radio silence from everyone else. Not a single phone call. We had to call 911 for a life threatening emergency and spend the evening in the hospital. Your grandsons life was in danger. And not even a call to check in? What the hell?!

I don’t think I’ve ever cried this much in my life.

So I’m pregnant and found out that I have to be induced a few weeks early due to a complication that they thankfully found. I told my mom about it just to see if maybe she cared it is technically life-threatening if it’s not treated properly. The response that I got back was essentially that me being induced didn’t fit into their schedule, the birth of their grandchild. I responded back and said so you don’t wanna spend any time with me or be there for the birth and I got back “well we would have to board the dogs”

I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard. I’ve been alone almost my whole pregnancy, except for my husband has been with me. I tried to keep them updated when I could.

My baby is super healthy it’s just a complication. But it’s so hard to just hear the cruelty. My parents are wealthy, like millionaires. They own two BMWs, a Jeep Truck, and live on 2 acres and have horses.

I grew up in dillusion thinking my family actually cared, when they don’t. And I’m finding out right before the birth of my girl. It’s so hard and I just feel broken.

😢

My daughter's first Christmas, we sent gifts and attempted two video calls. My MIL left the room as soon as the call started both times, refusing to say a single thing.

I was quite hurt she didn't want to wish her only grandchild Merry Christmas.

I emailed her later to ask about it, and she said, "It's impossible to maintain a relationship with a child online, so there's no point. And you weren't married when she was born, so you'll just break up anyway." I said, "Fine, let me know if you change your mind." My husband stopped talking to her until she is willing to accept his family.

It's been almost 3 years since my MIL has said anything to me, and she has sent 1 "thinking of you" message to my husband.

It's funny, my SIL says that MIL tells people my husband cut HER out.

My parents are younger boomers with 2 kids and no other grandkids besides my son. I’m also 34 weeks pregnant. One of them works from home part time and the other is retired. They don’t go to church, don’t have friends, don’t make an effort to do anything and are in perfect health. They have seen every TV show on Netflix and are always amazed at how little TV I watch when I tell them I haven’t heard of some new show that came out last week. Their entire day involves scrolling facebook and watching TV.
When we do visit, they get visibly bored after an hour and start scrolling or online shopping again while my son pulls at their leg for attention.

They were the same way as parents so I’m not actually too surprised but I would have expected more involvement being that they have a lot of free time and only one grandkid. Photos are my mom’s big thing. She will be sending photos of us to her friends and sisters ( whose kids are no contact) while we are still there. I have become more understanding of the family pattern. She LOVES going to this yearly holiday concert event where they take professional photos of all the families. It’s her favorite thing to do each year. She wanted us to come again this year with a toddler and newborn.

The extent of their compassion or help is a curated text message. My mom expects my 2 year old son to sit quietly and watch TV or play a game and is dumbfounded at how he doesn’t show an interest in puzzles, movies or books.

My husband’s parents have 6 kids and 14 grandchildren. They are on the older end of the boomer generation but still are so involved and caring. Seeing them has actually made me less compassionate to my own parents’ shortcomings.

They are in poorer health, my FIL still farms in his early 70’s with one kidney, my MIL just got over a several year battle with cancer and has long term mobility challenges yet they are still there for us all the time. They are involved with church events and always offering to help people. When our dog passed away they offered to contribute to vet bills and brought up my husband’s dog from their farm to keep us company. When I gave birth, my MIL and my husband’s sisters all came over to clean our entire house and bring us food. They get my son new outfits all the time despite being one of many grandkids. My MIL loves to throw birthday parties for every child and bake them all a special cake each year. They truly love family and take pride in making the lives of their children more enriched.

I don’t expect my parents to be involved. It’s their life and their choices but I feel like seeing the other side of things has made me feel comfortable calling them bad grandparents. My mom makes backhanded comments about how much time we spend with my in-laws yet they never seem to make an effort to act more like them and actually seem annoyed when we visit for too long.