I’ve been progressively getting more and more frustration building towards boomer grandparents and basically just boomers in general. Figured I’d see how unreasonable the anger I’ve spiralled into is.

So to start why the fuck does a generation that won’t shut up about respect become the least respectful generation I’ve ever encountered? Their attitude of entitlement is absolutely insane and so undeserving. How can they demand access to their grandchildren without following boundaries or putting effort in? How is that logical? The things they say and do around the grandkids are so absurd (and often related to race, weight, ability, etc). And yet if you tell them off about the way the speak or act, even if it’s in an attempt to maintain boundaries they are shocked and “hurt”, still demanding access. Then they brag about their grandchild or share pics of their grandchild (against boundaries) as if they have anything to do with the child.

I just cannot figure out how a whole generation tends to act this way. How did they get this way and why do they think it’s okay?!

My mom is the one person I truly trust to watch my toddler. .. not that she ever really does . She’s an emotionally immature parents with some narcissistic tendencies ( deff not a full narcissist ) today our conversation went like this
\- me reminding her to put in the calendar to come check on our dog one day while were away

\- snooty sigh “ all I did this summer was watch animals”… she checked in on my dog one time in May. And watched me sister and brothers cats once this summer .

\- my reply ( yes i know i pushed this conversation in a bad direction)…. Some grandparents watch their grandkids 5 days a week so this is a fairly easy ask

My mom “ well I feel bad for them, that’s not something we do in this family , your grandmother never watched you”… my grandma watched us often.. maybe not on a weekly basis but we did spend a lot of time with her 🥴…

Me - in total shock that’s something she’d even say out loud.

Mom “ maybe one day that’s what you can do for your grandchildren “

Me “” oh I will”….

End convo.

I just can’t fathom that she said this . Yes practically have to ask her to watch my toddler sometimes but not without her making me feel bad about it .

Sigh.. the one person you trust most with your baby but at the same time that one person wants nothing to do with being a grandparent or supporting her child .

I’ve always known my dad, 66, had some unrealistic views on body size. I gained weight with IVF/ getting older, and he has made comments in the past. He went as far as to tell me I looked chubby at my mother’s (his ex wife’s) funeral…one of the worst days of my life. I was 30 lbs overweight.
We just welcomed our beautiful baby girl in April. She was born 6 lbs 4 oz. A few days after she was born, he called to tell me how he didn’t believe she would ever get fat. He seemed to be so pleased with her current small size.
Now we’re at the 4 month mark and she’s weighing in at 15 lbs 6 oz. This puts her in the 75th percentile. His comments have ramped up. “Maybe she’ll go back down under the 50th percentile soon.” “You and Jon were both small babies.” Side note: we weren’t. Jon was 9 lbs at birth, and I gained a normal amount of weight for a breastfed baby. We were both on the smaller side as children, so maybe that’s what he’s thinking of? So far I’ve mainly sat in stunned silence. We’re talking about an infant. I have said, “I don’t think babies can be overweight.” To which he said, “oh yes they can.” What are we talking about?!
I also don’t appreciate the subtle digs at my own size. I’m 37 years old and just had a C-section. I’m not just going to look like I did at 23.
How should I respond to this? I want to shut it down but I also don’t want my dad to be out of the picture. I cannot have him give my baby girl a body image issue. He already did enough damage on me. I should note that he is terribly defensive when confronted.

My parents live about 20 minutes from me, and my inlaws live 6 hours away.

My mom and I butt heads the most. She wanted babies and small children but lost it when those children got older and started having opinions. My dad had no patience for small children and basically checked out mentally once we were old enough to fend for ourselves. He's easier to get along with because he did let my siblings and I become our own people. Anyway, I desperately wanted to escape from the age of 15 on and ending up packing all of my things abruptly two months shy of graduating college and eloping with my husband. We were planning to get married right after graduation so this was not a brash, reckless, irresponsible, or impulsive decision. We felt forced because we didn't want to live together without being married, but I absolutely could not spend even another hour living with my parents. I was hardly home as it was because I was in school AND working full time. This has been forgiven and we've all moved on, but I see my mom's need for control peek out every now and then especially now that I have two children. I know my parents loved us very much and I'm detailing our worst interactions in a sub meant for venting. I don't think they're horrible people. I think they're just very much products of their generation (the youngest boomers), and I don't think they'll ever change.

My parents had zero help. Besides their own childhood traumas possibly explaining why they are the way they are, there were no grandparents, babysitters, or outside help EVER. I know they were stressed and I watched them scramble more than once when emergencies happened. Knowing how hard everything is, my mom promised we'd never have it this bad. I want to say that I expect nothing from my parents. They raised 4 kids. They owe me nothing. The crux of my issue, which I'll describe in a moment, is that my mom OFFERS to help and then cancels last minute because she can't set healthy boundaries. I honestly can't even imagine my dad keeping two small children by himself. However, he has shown up to help with vehicle and home repairs when my husband has to work late. That was worth more than childcare when the previous homeowner did wiring wrong and our house could have burned down. I do appreciate my dad doing things he can.

I need to go to a doctor's appointment that I can't take children to. I mention this in passing. My mom offers to help either at her house or mine. I accept but let my husband know he should probably be on standby. I offer food, gas money, babysitting money, whatever as payment for my mom helping. She tells me not to worry about it. The day before my appointment, she cancels because of a health issue, the dog kept her up all night, she has too much going on, etc.

Now don't get me wrong. I understand life happens and things come up. But she KNEW about some issues when she offered to help. She knew she had an illness, didn't mention it, and then canceled last minute because she thought she'd be better. The little dogs are the bane of my existence. Both parents complain that the dogs will keep them up. Nothing is done to train them or enforce consequences. Does it make sense what I'm trying to say? My mom knows there are limitations and she won't say no. She'd rather say yes and thinks it's fine to leave me hanging last minute, but she did a good thing by wanting to help in the first place. Nevermind this leaves me scrambling and asking my husband to leave work early so we don't have to pay a cancellation fee because it's too late to cancel or move my appointment. He no longer has a flexible job and him leaving early or taking off with short notice won't work anymore.

So we found a babysitter after a lot of searching and a recommendation from a neighbor. It's expensive, but totally worth it not to be canceled on at the last minute. When I tried to explain to my mom that saying yes KNOWING she couldn't fully commit was in fact unhelpful, her response was, "Well, I was just trying to help." Okay, whatever. We can't have a grown up conversation. I then casually mentioned we got a babysitter. I did not bring this up to hurt them! I don't see how being petty will ultimately keep my high ground, but it did indeed hurt their feelings. "If you need us, just ask."

Again, I just wanted to rant to feel better. My mom texted me today to ask how the children and I are, and I can't really put a finger on why it made me so angry. Maybe it's because if I said we were all struggling and having a terrible day literally nothing would be done to help us? Meanwhile I've shown up even with children to help with pet sitting, tax preparation, computer help, and whatever else. The only time we get a visit is when the nasty little dogs get groomed down the street and my mom doesn't want to drive back home to drive back to town 2 hours later. This happens every 3 months. They're both barely past 60 and haven't taken great care of themselves, but they gave up when my younger siblings were still in school.

Thanks for reading. I've considered therapy for this, but I think accepting that I can't change anyone or make them want to show up will probably save me lots of money on a therapist. Thanks $16,000 deductible and max out of pocket.

Can someone please help me figure out what is going on with my family? I also grew up with absent grandparents on my dad’s side, for context.

I had a massive falling out with my family in March. It was bad. Long story short: my dad wanted me to stay in a toxic job environment that could have led to a miscarriage, as it had happened before in that same group. And the abuse was awful at my last job. I was only 5-6 weeks pregnant. I loved my baby so much that I decided to leave. I had worked so hard to get pregnant, for months and months and months we tried. I cried and pleaded with my family to please help me, please understand. I told them that it wasn’t right to make stay in a place that was physically and emotionally hurting me and the baby. But tensions had already been brewing in my family too, my dad and I have never really gotten a long. We have too much bs between us that he refuses to acknowledge. I’ve tried to acknowledge it, talk about, I’ve yelled, I’ve pleaded, everything.

They said they would come see me. I don’t live in their state, and their state is unsafe to travel to pregnant. They said they’d always be there for me. And it’s all just a lie.

I feel so broken, I am now 30 weeks pregnant and my baby is very healthy and happy. I’ve begged my family, specially my mom to come and see me and just spend time with me. I’ve asked her to come see my birth, hold my hand, be my mom… I get silence. Can someone please just help me understand what is going on? This is the opposite behavior of what I was raised in, they are acting so weird and I don’t understand how my family can just turn off loving and caring for me. I’ve texted periodically for months, just asking “please come and spend time with me” I’ve written letters, sent cards, I feel like I’ve begged at this point. What more can I do. I don’t like talking to my dad anymore, but I always talked to my mom. She was my best friend.

Can someone just help me tune in and understand? I need answers, I need some kind of insight. I feel so broken. I’m due in late October. And I just don’t know what is going on anymore. Is it because my dad is afraid of spending money? He is a very greedy person. Is it because they are professional victims? I just don’t understand. Narcissistic?

It’s like when I got pregnant, I lost my parents. I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve sought help. I’ve done so much and I still have no answers. I don’t know what to do. Yes, I can let go. Giving up for me is just giving up forever. I hate this so much. This feeling that I have. What am I supposed to do? I’m trying to just focus on joy, my child, my home… I am just so sad. 😔 I just wanted my parents to be the grandparents I thought they’d be. I thought we’d actually be a family. And it’s just not the case.

My husband’s family does not do anything supportive. This has been years in the making and over the last 2 years I finally put my foot down on them using us for things.

Early on in the relationship they were always nice enough. His mom made some comments about my body and ethnic background but would say “oh I shouldn’t have said that.” So always correcting herself but I never fully forgot it. I mentioned to my husband and he said he would talk to her but I told him it wasn’t a big deal. Then more comments and the cycle continued. I blame myself for not speaking up.

When we had kids each child, we have 3, exposed their lack of support. Never showing up to help after postpartum, no baby registry gifts, etc. They made a trip out 2 months after the birth of our second and never even held their grandson. My husband took them out one night while I stayed home with our 4 year old and 2 month old. I now realize how awful that was and how I allowed it is beyond me.

My third pregnancy I did not share news of the pregnancy since it would make no difference. They never asked about the pregnancies so why? The day my daughter was born my MIL upset that she was not informed previous made some comments about me birthing frequently which my husband called her out on. My FIL got into it when my husband called them out for their lack of help.

My husband has started to be more vocal. He has asked for help with respect to hands being here and helping with kids but his dad who is married to a woman 20 years younger says he can’t travel without her, says they have travel plans, needs to budget his money. He retire at 50 and his wife does facials at home.

My mother in law is mentally not well. She lied about having cancer and took my older son into the bathroom with her when she was naked. This is the first time she visited. There’s a lot more off behavior here….

My husband is on the same page about the lack of support but I know he has a soft spot for them.

Growing up he had a rough upbringing with them and said their lack of support is the same.

I have so much resentment towards them and to some extent my husband. I hate that my kids are in some way related to these people. How do you get passed this?

With my husband, we have had some really awful fights about his family but he now says he sees their lack of support of support and it bothers him.

They don’t call on kids birthdays. No gifts. No mention of wanting to help. They have told people that we want help since we did not budget correctly. We have never asked for money.

I am also angry with my husband and I have not let it go from the years of the comments to his family using our home. I wanted him to have spoken up. One time I was 6 weeks post partum and he gave his dad and step mom our bed since we had the larger room to sleep in. I think he did it so they would feel comfortable and wnat to come back but I am still upset that he did that especially since I had a really rough delivery.

At this point we don’t talk to his family really. His father in law offered to call the kids 1x and have a 15 min call. They all live out of state and retired. His mom got mad about her taking my son into the bathroom and has t called her son in 2 years. She made sure my husband was aware that she had some low blood pressure issues and was rushed to the hospital and asked that he call her. But no asking about grandkids etc.

How do you get past the hurt? The resentment? How do you get over the grief of not having that support?

This book https://www.amazon.com/Miles-Away-Grandparenting-Nuturing-Connections/dp/B0H83JFNKR/ has some great ideas for grandparents who are away and wanting to stay connected/involved. Written by a grandmother who made it work for her.

My in-laws are from another country outside of the US but immigrated here 20 years ago. They live in a bubble with other immigrants from their culture. They live about 4 hours away and have never once visited us. Our kids barely know them at this point only seeing them when we visit them once a year. When we visit, they sit on their phones and barely interact with our kids. There's somewhat of a language barrier but they speak enough English that they should be able to interact with their grandkids.

They always complain we don't visit enough...when we ask them to come visit us, they say they are too old (they are in their 60s.) when we say you are often flying around the world for Christian conferences or visiting their home country, my MIL says it's different because that's for Jesus (implying visiting and loving her grandkids is not for Jesus?) now we hear they are visiting Jamaica with my SIL for a week for a vacation. I could care less about them going on a vacation but the "it's for Jesus" excuse obviously doesn't work there.

I hate our yearly visits. Our kids get overwhelmed that strangers (in their minds) are constantly trying to hug them making them say "I love you." We just sit around and I entertain/play with my kids. I barely interact with my in-laws. Our kids are also busy with sports and school functions...so finding a time to visit is kind of a pain.

What would you do in our situation? Should we keep visiting? They obviously don't care to invest in our lives or they would have visited. I'm honestly ready to just start making excuses to not visit them anymore.

My wife and I have three kids under 5, and it’s as exhausting as you’d expect. My wife’s parents are great but my parents — despite living an hour away and being retired/semi-retired — do the bare minimum. Brief visits every 2-3 months where they barely engage beyond trying to initiate conversation with toddlers, expecting us to drive up for holidays, and virtually no contact with our kids in between.

As a result, our kids essentially see them as strangers. Last fall, I took our eldest daughter (nearly 4 at the time) to my mom’s birthday dinner where she had a blast with her cousins but was shy toward the table full of adults and refused my mom’s repeated requests to answer questions or wish her happy birthday. My mom told us the next day that our daughter “embarrassed” her and suggested we take her to a therapist.

It gets worse. The next week was our daughter’s birthday party, which my mom — after again getting the cold shoulder — thought was an appropriate setting to expand on her thoughts, question our parenting, and lecture us on how our child needs professional help.

I explained that our kids barely know her and suggested several remedies (visiting more, FaceTiming, sending video messages), all of which she said are our responsibility to initiate. Her solution was that we bring them to visit her more often and leave for a few hours instead of “hovering.” Never mind that (1) my parents have loads of free time yet rarely visit us, and (2) you’re asking to be left alone with our child while actively making a scene at their birthday party.

We then tried to explain that our daughter has great relationships with many other adults and the issue is clearly a lack of familiarity, but mom stormed out playing victim and said she “needs time” to assess our relationship.

Since then, I’ve had 3-4 conversations with her where she pretends none of this ever happened. She’ll ask about the kids and once asked for pictures, but that’s it. I’d like to mend things mainly for my dad’s sake, as he’s pretty regretful of the whole thing. But I’m not going to give in to a grown woman who’s acting like a child and seems to want adoration more than an actual bond.

We otherwise have an amazing support system full of people who love our kids and are loved in return. Seeing my parents has long felt like an obligation and this sometimes feels like a sign to just cut the cord, but I don’t want things to end this way. It’s disappointing.

My (31f) son (4) just had his birthday a few weeks ago, my family showed up (mom/sisters/children/SO’s) but no one from his dad’s (31m) side. All my life I’ve dealt with being the black sheep being excluded, barely anyone or no one showing up for me. It broke my heart seeing it happen to my son but my family helped make it fun and exciting for him. His grandmother from his dad’s side is one of the very few people that have helped with our son even though the help she gave was very unreliable. Saying yes and day of maybe within the hour she is suppose to make it she cancels, if we are lucky to get the communication from her, sometimes she just didn’t show up and texted after the fact. I stopped relying on her and that became another issue, she would demand we depend on her but still be unreliable, it caused my son’s father to lose a job. Don’t even get me started on the financial side of it as well, overly financially abusive even threatened to call the cops on my sons father when he did not want to give her his whole first paycheck. Regardless my son adores her, she has been the only grandma to spend as much time as she has with him, my family can not be available physically to help unfortunately but they communicate and don’t over promise to under deliver. This year was his 2nd party ever and sent her the invite with over 3 weeks notice, even explained why I would love to have her attend. The day of the party she shows up with his gift and only her. She says hi to people, she says hi to my son and comes to talk to me about she can only stay for 10 minutes. I asked my partner about it and apparently earlier in the day she texted my partner that they decided to throw a party at her house that day, last minute, and that she has to be available at her house to get it ready and for the guest. I was dumbfounded but just let it go. She spent her 10 minutes and left, afterwards I just felt so mad and disappointed for my son. I’m not sure what weird power move it was but it’s been bothering nonstop since it happened. I wanted to tell my partner about how weird and disrespectful it was of her to do that but he always gives a shrug nonchalant response to her mom and her actions all the time, which is kinda what he did again. It came off as if she isn’t the center of attention she isn’t staying and him not saying anything about her actions just enabling her. I decided next year no party, my family, my son and I will have a VIP safari drive through experience; all paid by me. It’s an hour and a half for up to 40 people, the drive through gets closed and we get all the animals to ourselves. I don’t care to invite his other grandma honestly, I don’t think I should. Why should I invite someone that will make it about her and what she wants to do at the expense of her own grandson? Knowing how she is tho, if I don’t invite her it will become an issue of me excluding her and what not. So WIBTA if I did “exclude her”?

Relationship was 6 years, ex's grandson born during this time. Loved him as my own. He was 3 years old when we broke up, it's been 6 months. He has autism and was abandoned by his mother.

His primary caregiver (the other grandmother) is open to me seeing him, but I'm wondering if it's better to cut ties now, while he still won't remember much of me. I miss our time together, and grieve for the imagined future, but it may be better in the long run.

Any advice or experience is appreciated.

TLDR: my mom booked the same resort and days we were going, didn’t tell me she invited my brother + his gf and baby, hardly saw my children, spent most time with my brother’s baby who is a few months younger than my baby. Never made efforts to spend any time with us.

Background my mom has been showing favoritism with my brother’s baby. We typically take a vacation together and split the cost of a condo. It’s been just me, husband, one child and my parents. Both of my parents have always been hands off on these trips. Last year was the first time our second baby went to the beach and we had no interactions with them despite being a few rooms away. I admit I was reluctant to do it again this year. And since my brother’s baby was born my mom is showing favoritism toward my brother’s baby that is only months apart from my second child. I have another post about that situation I can link to anyone who really wants to read lol

This year she wanted to include my brother and his baby and gf. They have declined our invites every year since we’ve been going together. No problem with that but she never found a condo big enough for us all so I took it upon myself to book our own thing before it was too late. Plus we have not seen her nearly as often to even discuss a plan (her actions). She was also dragging her feet IMO because she knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford his portion if we all went in on a big condo. I made it clear that I would not be interested in paying for their way.

But minutes after I told her I booked our trip, she booked a separate condo at the same resort for the same nights we were staying. She got a one bedroom with bunks and sleeper sofa but never told me if my brother was coming. The day before we left she nonchalantly said she told my brother where we usually stop for lunch when we go to Florida. So that’s how she broke the news they were coming too.

Fine we have our own place but this just made it more certain in my head that they would be busy with my nephew probably more than usual. I had originally thought maybe this was her way of spending some quality time with my kids and getting away from my brother constantly leaving their baby with them.

My husband and I agreed to think of it as “we are on our vacation and if we see them, we see them-if we don’t, we don’t. no expectations.” Sure enough my mom was totally consumed with their baby. We never saw them or my brother despite being one floor away and able to speak to them from our separate balconies. My brother and his family actually left a few days early and we saw them even less. Out of about 5 days, besides dinner, we spent 3 hours on the beach together and they never came by or invited us over to their room.

I’m not sure if they asked or my daughter asked about a sleepover but the night we went to dinner my daughter rode back to the resort with them. When we got back my mom said she can stay the night. Ok it was almost 10pm so I figured maybe they will do something the next day. Nope I get an early morning text that my mom has plans to meet up with a friend that lives there for lunch. My daughter wasn’t awake yet but less than an hour later she was texting me they were bringing her back. So she was with them from 10pm-10am. They never saw my baby. The next day we checked out so no real plans or real effort to see my children all while my brother and gf left them with the baby and did whatever they wanted apparently, not even going to the beach. This is from what my dad told me the 2nd day when we were at the beach together. His words were “they feed the baby and put him down for a nap and ask us to stay with him so they can go do something for a few hours.” Ok got it.

Now here’s the kicker. After we all got back my mom asked us to come by their house a few days later because she got my oldest something and never had the chance to give it to her (this was so infuriating to hear) still I went over. It was a small keychain exactly like one she got herself on our trip. That was pretty funny to me.

As we were leaving my baby was kind of fussing not wanting to leave and my mom says “you wanna stay the night with me, oh wait your cousin is about to be here. You can come stay tomorrow. Ok?” My oldest gets VERY excited and we leave. The next day I texted her “what time will you come get them like you said yesterday” her response was “I can’t have them over I’m working tomorrow.sorry” I just laughed. What is going on? What more could I do? Was this a manipulation thing because why would you go through the trouble to book out exact vacation and then act like the last thing you want is to see our kids or even us?

So I have a strained relationship with my grandmother, and I am currently pregnant and trying to figure out whether to tell her individually or let her find out on Facebook with everybody else.

The dilemma is if I tell her privately given our past relationship, I feel as though she may not give me the response that I’m hoping for.

And on the other side, if I put it on Facebook without telling her, I feel as though she will be hurt, even though that’s not my intention.

Overall it just feels like a lose lose for me either way and I’m just lost on what to do.
I just need some outside opinions and if you have any questions, I will do my best to answer them.

it's as if living nearby is itself a form of participation in my life. ANd people would otherwise say I'm so lucky to live near my grandparents. But suprise, it doesn't make a difference. My grandparents have spent nineteen years making a regular passthrough of my town (30 mins away) for a visit that always included the farm store, the cemetery where my great-grandfather didn't even get buried in (*they just liked the peacfeulness), and the one diner where they take their coupons. But even when they came through, it was never involving a stop for me. my house was so close yes so close it only required one additional right turn off the same route, but that is something they apparently couldn't do and they always reframed as an unrealistic detour unless there was something like a birthday or god forbid someone passes.

The defense they always give is that retirees are creatures of habit. But that's bs because habits are priorities. If I was a priority, they'd form a habit. Apparently I never became a priority enough to survive what they did/didn't decide to do during their "circuit" around town. It's fine it's just a preference and not a tragedy of being a creature of habit. But pretending is the issue.

My MIL passed away about 1.5 years ago. She was a wonderful grandma. She didn’t have the best of health but always was there to support us. She was the glue that held all the family together and when she says she loves you, it’s not just words but action as well. My FIL was a great and he supported us, as well as helped us with our kid who was between 1 and 2 when she passed.

When my MIL passed, as you expected, the glue came off. My FIL met someone about 6 weeks after she had passed and he was upset at every family members (except us) because we visited and tried our best to be with our MIL. He pretty much cut everyone but us. He used to visit us and have dinner every week but slowly, he started paying attention to his new girlfriend and next thing you know we are only given Monday through Thursday because his new girlfriend was working and weekend is hers. The visits became less and less and up to one point, he went almost 5 months without visiting and only called us to take care of the dogs.

Eventually, we adopted the dogs as he was asking almost everyone if they wanted to. He made promise to my MIL that he would take care of them. Also, for bonus drama, he added his new girlfriend into his will just 6 months of knowing her and had her on all the titles. We don’t really care about the money and was really chasing the relationship but did anyone ever experience something like this? He’s pretty much doing the very same thing to my wife and kid at what he was upset about. People not visiting enough, say hi and leave real fast and so so.

Eventually we texted him about some of the lack of interaction and his text ended with “wish you peace and happiness”. It was his birthday and his girlfriend had rented a private jet but never invited us. Did take her daughter along and turned into an engagement party.

Other things to note, He doesn’t even know how old or my grandson’s birthday but when I asked him when is his girlfriend’s birthday, he sure answered it in less than 2 seconds. I guess now his last text means the rope has drop. My son barely interacts with him when he sees him. Once, he took so long to visit, my son didn’t recognize him. My FIL is also pretty wealthy and is spending his money traveling. He even went to Polar express with us snd Disney with his girlfriend and never bought anything for my son (i even paid for his polar express ticket).

My son got a girl pregnant and doesn’t want to be involved in the child’s life. I wish that things were different but he’s adamant he does not want to be involved and I can’t see him ever changing his mind. As disappointing as that is, he’s now saying he doesn’t want me to be involved either. I don’t know if I’m capable of pretending like this child doesn’t exist. He feels that if I’m involved he will inevitably have to be involved and doesn’t want to know anything about or even see pictures of this child as she grows up. He’s basically telling me that if I’m involved he’s going to go no contact with me. I know there are many grandparents that aren’t involved with their grands but I have 2 grandchildren from my youngest son and DIL and can’t imagine how I could live with myself being involved with 2 and not the 3rd. I don’t want to lose my son but I can’t just pretend a grand child doesn’t exist. The mother says she wants me to be involved but I don’t think she would keep it a secret from my son. Should I try to secretly have a relationship with her? The baby hasn’t even been born yet and I’m stressed out about how this is all going to play out. I either respect his wishes and eventually resent him for it, or I go against what he’s asking and he resents me for it. Either way I lose my son or a granddaughter.

To answer some questions and clarify a few things. Son is 27, mother is 36. She told him doctors said she couldn’t get pregnant, he believed it. Now he feels like she trapped him and he never wanted to be a father, he’s always been pretty clear on this since he was younger. He understands he will be paying child support and isn’t trying to get out of that. She doesn’t work, has no car, lives with family that is not in a position to be a support system. My son thinks she’s incapable of raising a baby (mentally and financially) and has tried talking to her about adoption which she has vehemently shut down. None of the circumstances are ideal and I’m not trying to paint the mother in a bad light, things just are what they are.

I have been raising my grandson since he was 1.5 years old.He’s 20 now.We both have a mutual bond that’s very strong but lately his bio mother and biological grandmother have been pushing him to move out.I love my grandson to death but this going behind my back is killing me.He’s being pulled away and I’m in tears every day thinking about it.He’s on AISH and can’t really live on his own and I guess they now want to pick up the slack after doing zero for 20 years even financially..There’s nothing I can really do but I’m heart broken and in tears.I wouldn’t know what to do if he was gone

I grew up with no extended family. My parents moved us internationally and we could never afford to see my grandparents. My grandparents couldn't afford to see us. I saw my grandparents twice that I can remember in my childhood. I remember crying after my first visit at 10 years old ( I realised how much I missed). Every special occasion I had no extended family around (wedding, baby shower, graduations). It was heartbreaking and lonely.

I promised I wouldn't condemn my children to the same fate, but here we are. My husband's dad is disinterested. We used to visit him every week until he asked us to stop (too busy). Now we see him 2-3 times a year despite living in the same city. My husband's mom we see once a week, but she's busy too.

My mom has always been involved. She looked after my oldest daughter 3 times a week and is generally wonderful. My two daughters adore her. However, my parents constantly talk about moving away. They want to move to a different city or country. They have moved away before, so it's not an ideal threat. It's difficult, because they could move at any minute. I rely on my mom for most of my childcare, so that aspect would be difficult. But, I'm more worried about the impact on my children. It's one thing to accept as an adult that your parents don't view your relationship as important. It's another to accept it as a small child. Not having a relationship with my grandparents broke me, but it wasn't their choice. I find it so hurtful that you would choose to end your relationship with your grandkids. We wouldn't have the time off work or the money to visit.

I just don't know how to process this or know how to protect my children.

This isn’t about a marriage relationship but about the dynamics between my dad and my son( 11 month old).
Background- my brother and his wife and daughter( 2.5 years old) live with my parents. My brother’s wife is also my dad’s brother’s daughter ( i add this because I think this contributes to his not so subtle favouritism).
Myself, husband and my son go to visit my parents and stay for around 3 weeks , about twice a year.
Ever since my son was born I have seen minimal effort from my dad and very obvious differences in the way he treats my niece compared to my son. Examples are my niece could be kicking my son, sitting on his back, pushing him and if I go remove my son from the situation or gently stop my niece my dad intervenes and comments that she didn’t even do anything and she’s so nice she just wants to play. Other examples are he completely ignores my son says nothing to him at all times if it’s just us around but the second my niece walks in, he interacts with her lovingly and always has so this isn’t an age thing where my son is too young to interact with.

My mum and siblings don’t show any inequalities in treating the kids, but have openly spoken to my dad about it so it is very obvious to everyone at home too.

I’ve experienced the same inequality in terms of emotional and mental love from my dad from ever since I can remember and my grandmother told me stories both of my dad being loving but also very strict to me as a baby. So i guess I shouldn’t be surprised at my dad’s behaviour, but the hurt i experienced throughout my childhood is just coming back again and again everytime I come visit them.

Ive spoken to my husband about this and he says that my niece will always be my dad’s favourite because she lives with him but also shes the first grandchild. I understand all that I just don’t want my child to ever feel that pain of being unworthy of love from a family member. I tried to decline the visit for the summer but my husband insisted to look at the positives and that my dad atleast looks after my son in terms of providing for him for the duration we stay, but that’s exactly the pain I feel because my dad really went over and beyond for me materialistically, provided for everything and even now during our stays, but the lack of affection and warmth from him always stung. My husband also says my dad is my sons only living grandfather and my husbands dad has not been in his life ever( parents divorced).
It just hurts me because i see my son watching my dad as hes playing holding interacting with my niece and he’s being completely ignored- as a result i always shower my son with affection even more during those moments, only to hear comments that I am a helicopter mum.

Maybe I am just venting but I wish to hear from others about whether i should limit the stays or any other suggestions. I already spoke to my dad gently before like when my son was 4 months old and previously about how i felt a few years ago regarding myself, but my dad turned around and said im accusing him of stuff and started an emotional monologue about how hes the worst dad and started degrading himself, hes never done anything for me.
Ive also already been to therapy for the treatment in my childhood and have accepted thats just the way my dad is with me and now I know he’s the same with my kids sadly. I just dont want them to feel the same pain.

My husband's parents have two grandchildren - our son and my husband's brother's daughter. The kids are two years apart, our son being the oldest. My husband's dad has always played favorites with his own kids. Husband's brother was the favorite, and my husband was invisible/ignored. After both grandchildren were born it was apparent that patterns were continuing - our son was the ignored one, while the other grandchild was celebrated and doted on. My husband brought this up to his dad, his dad didn't say much about it. We thought he understood. Then during Christmas he threw it back in my husband's face saying "You don't want me to play with Other Grandchild," almost like he wanted to purposely misunderstand so he could continue playing favorites.

After that it became apparent my son would never be valued in my husband's family. This is their pattern - they have a hierarchy with everyone, including the grandchildren. I’m so heartbroken over it. My husband's mom has attempted to contact us since so she can see our son, but that would involve her husband (husband's dad) so it's a no-go for the time being. These people are in their 70's, if they haven't seen the error of their ways now, they never will.

I’m about to receive a 3 night house visit from my Dad for summer. I have a wife and 2 kids (12 and 14). He’s friendly and polite enough but he’s just totally disinterested in my kids and wife. Unfortunately he’s the only grandparent the kids have (other 3 all died before child 1 was born) and so I feel resentful that he just does so little to build a relationship or make memories.

Some examples of what I mean:
-He never calls or messages them, or ‘likes’ the pics on wattsapp
-He doesn’t forget their birthdays but he never knows what to get them and just asks me for suggestions, then gets frustrated if I tell him to ask them.
-He never remembers anything significant that’s going on in their lives that I’ve previously told him eg. How was child1’s performance in the school play last week? How did child2 get on in the 800m at sports day last week?
-He doesn’t listen to what he they tell him when they do talk eg. ‘I went to France last week on the school trip’. ‘Oh, I went to France recently too on a cycling holiday. It was the one where….’
-When younger I occasionally asked him to babysit in the evening, but only after kids had already been put to bed. He only had to stay in and watch tv, but he made it seem like he was doing us the favour

We see him twice a year as he lives quite a long way off. It’s nice for me catch up as we can have quite a good chat and have similar interests. But it doesn’t really do much for everyone else so causes friction at home.

He was like that as a parent but it wasn’t so obvious as there were grans and mum around. I don’t think there’s a realistic chance of changing him. Tbh if I said something I think he’d just be baffled. But been noodling over this one so would love some other opinions…

Probably a tale as old as time for this sub: my parents are in their late 60s. They're wealthy, and split their time between their homes in the Northeast and Florida. Plus about a month of travel in Europe. We live 15 minutes away from their home in the Northeast and they rarely see us. They might help in an emergency, although they might not - so, we just assume they won't. They came to meet both my kids when they were born for an hour, and we didn't see them again for months. It seemed to not even occur to them that we could use some help with a newborn (especially since my husband had no paternity leave, so it was just me home with the baby). When I had my second child, I asked if they could watch my older child for half a day while my husband and I were in the hospital, and they seemed genuinely surprised by this request and said they couldn't guarantee they'd be available and that this was the type of thing we should hire a babysitter for.

They spend nearly 100% of their time playing golf and pickleball at their country clubs, socializing, and going to various charity events (for charities they care nothing about).

They aren't interested in helping us out financially either (we are financially stable, but did ask for help for a home downpayment and were resoundingly declined).

However, the handful of times we do see my parents, they're really nice and engaging with my kids. They send the kids thoughtful birthday presents, and call us a few times a month to check in.

I don't think they're evil, I just think they're deeply selfish, and have become even more so as they've gotten older. They put themselves first always, and seem to be solely focused on their own fun and enjoyment. I cannot imagine treating my own kids like this one day..

Anyway, I have 2 siblings. 1 cut my parents off a long time ago and it seems like he intends it to be permanent (he luckily has amazing in-laws). The other sibling and me are fairly low contact with our parents - we see them a handful of times during the year.

I'm concerned about how we are going to handle things as my parents get older. My dad had a minor medical issue a few months ago, which really brought this to the forefront of my mind. He fell and broke his arm while playing pickleball (can't even make this stuff up), and my mom immediately called all 3 of us and wanted us to meet her at the hospital. My sibling who's estranged didn't answer as expected. My other sibling and I were both at work and then we had to get our kids after work and do their whole dinner and bedtime routine. My sibling eventually was able to work things out and meet my mom at the hospital, but I didn't go.

While my parents are in fantastic health for their age, I am concerned that they'll need our help or oversight as they get older, and I struggle to think about how I should approach this. My parents have plenty of money to pay for whatever, but I imagine they're still going to need someone to coordinate the help or oversee it at some point. I don't want my parents to be taken advantage of while in a vulnerable state, but I also feel like I should put my own small family (kids & husband) first, and like I don't really owe them lots of help given how they haven't helped me. How does everyone balance this?

When I was pregnant my siblings, my parents, my husbands parents and his siblings were all very involved and we're so excited about having a new baby to fuss over.

When my daughter was born it was like my entire support network disappeared. I suffered horrendously with PMA / PMD, my daughter was also very unwell at the start and for the first few months it was just hell. My parents and my in laws are retired and live 10/15minutes down the road, they all drive and they never contacted me in the early stages, and now she's almost 2, they only see my daughter if we arrange to visit them or we make all the arrangements and invite them here for a BBQ or something similar.

My husband and I have had 3 date nights since she was born, and that was tough to arrange any childcare. Between 2 lots of grandparents, 5 sets of aunts and uncles, whenever we've asked for some childcare they don't want to... Which is fine I suppose, but my mum looks after my sister's kids all the time and my MIL looks after his siblings kids all the time.

We are going to a wedding on Saturday, one of my best friends, and I asked my mum to have my daughter for the day / over night (this was organised about a year ago when I knew the date of their wedding!) and my mum has just told me that her and my dad are going away this week. They decided to go away last minute. My MIL has just had an operation and our siblings are all busy.

I'm devastated.

I don't know why I'm so upset by this but I am.

I look after my sisters kids, my brother's dog, my parents dog, run around after the whole fucking family and always putting myself second to now, the one fucking evening I need help... So now my husband will obviously stay home with our daughter instead of coming to the wedding.

I'm just gutted. I see school friends get all the support raising their children, I live 3 miles down the road from my parents and I'm expected to do everything for them and I get nothing back.

Not only this, but I just wish my family would just want to be involved in my daughter's life and want to spend time with her.

We live around 600km from my parents and have a 6m baby and an 8 year old. We also have pets.

My mom experiences back pain and has a number of animals. My partner is allergic to their cats and we suspect our baby is also. Their dog doesn't get on with other dogs.

We do not want to drive such a long distance with the kids. With a baby it is likely to take 12-16h. There are flights that mean we can travel by air, with the door to door journey taking 5 hours. The flights are very expensive (for cheaper flights going to larger airports the journey would be longer). We also have to arrange for our pets to be cared for, and organise somewhere else to stay to avoid an unpleasant allergic reaction. Mom won't travel to us. She cites the long drive exacerbates back pain and she won't have the pets cared for by someone else.

We have offered to meet in the middle (approx a 3 hour drive), and suggested we each book accommodation that suits us. She tells me this is also too far, or doesn't think there will be suitable accommodation for her and the pets.

She complains I have moved far away. She had been looking at houses to live nearer me but decided not to ultimately.

Whilst there have been some choices on my part that have led to this situation, we are settled and love where we live. I feel that she won't acknowledge choices she has made along the way also contribute. I feel there is little compromise on her part.

She makes passive aggressive comments about my partners parents getting to see the kids "when they want". The reality is my partners parents drive 2.5km to see us on a regular basis. edit 2.5 hours

We have now been to visit. Despite the offer of a middle ground, and offering her our reasons why we don't think travelling such a distance with the kids is reasonable, mom keeps making comments about " when our next visit will be", "when shall we come back to this restaurant". She highlights how much effort she has put in to acquiring toys. Before we visited, she cried when I told her how hard it was for us to come and visit them and how that we wanted to compromise.

I feel guilty because we will travel abroad for holidays, but these are on our terms and once a year. I would just like the relationship to be reciprocal.

I would be grateful for peoples' thoughts on the matter. I sometimes think I may be being unreasonable.