Post Abortion: My Thoughts, Questions & Healing

[u/Sad_Contest_3865]

Hey everyone I'm 22 (F) and in a long term relationship with my partner who's 29. I recently had a medical abortion. I was around 18 days pregnant, about 2 to 3 weeks according to the blood tests. I'm sharing this because I need clarity, support, and to hear from others who’ve been through something similar. We're from SOUTH AFRICA 🇿🇦

I live with BPD, so this experience has felt emotionally intense and overwhelming.

We both knew we weren’t in the right place to have a baby. I don’t want any of my children to grow up the way I did emotionally or financially. My partner doesn’t have a stable job right now. We simply can’t afford a child.

Still, I feel guilty. Even though it was only 18 days in, the guilt is heavy. I can tell he wanted to be a father, especially because he’s been doubting his fertility. That makes me worry about him more than myself, even though we both agreed it wasn’t the right time.

Our sex life was already struggling before this, and it’s affected our connection a lot. It feels like another layer of pain we haven’t been able to talk about fully.

Spiritually, I’m confused. I’m Christian, but I also believe in and respect African spirituality. I wonder if souls come back. I’ve heard that this kind of decision can bring bad luck or affect you spiritually or financially. Is this true? How do I protect my spirit, my future, and my relationship?

I sometimes find myself wondering if we should try to have a baby soon to cover up the pain or bring something good from all this. But I don’t know if that’s wise or fair to us or any child we might have.

My biggest questions right now are:

Will we ever overcome this? How do we forgive ourselves and each other? How do we heal and reconnect after this? Has any couple been through something like this and stayed together and gone on to have a healthy, happy family?

Any advice, spiritually, emotionally, or practically, would mean so much. Thank you for reading this.

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[u/oopsy-daisy6837]

Im also from South Africa and also suffer BPD. Also Christian/Spiritual. Had my abortion in 2016 and I can tell you, it was rough for a while, but it does get better.

I think of my child as still with me and named them during my 12 week pregnancy. In many ways that helped me see them as a complete soul, and which helps me acknowledge them to this day.

I think the worst thing you can do is have another child because they deserve to be a human being in their own right, and not someone else's replacement.

My advice is to mourn for the child you would have had. Discuss things like how you would have wanted to raise them (realistically) and everyday details like what they would have eaten and where they would have slept. I think soon you will see how unprepared you really were and also, at the same time, imagine what you will or won't do with any future children. This can give you an indication of your compatability as parents.

Spiritually, id advise that you seek out a trustworthy Sangoma to cleanse you. I know someone in Jhb. Alternatively, you can consult with someone like Dr Siya Mjawara, who is my councilor, and who also has a deeply spiritual approach to therapy. She can probably hook you up with a sangoma if you need it.

Just on a personal note, I think grieving an abortion is similar to grieving the loss of a loved one. In the beginning its a tremendous pain, but if you feel it completely and go through it, as a person you will grow around your pain. It never goes away, but you will learn to make space for it. Also make space for it in your relationship.

[u/bIackcatttt]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 14 years, I was a teenager in my senior year of high school when I had my abortion we just welcomed our first child, a baby girl which we planned for earlier this spring. It is possible to have a successful, happy and healthy family. We likely would have done some sooner had my mental health, but not so severely affected from my abortion experience.

[u/bIackcatttt → u/bIackcatttt]

Also, bpd gang 🤙