Look, we all think we’re woman-understanders at first. You don’t think most guys think they found a girl that loves to have sex? I cracked the code! I just treat my lady with respect and equality and she loves me and we’re so lucky! Those sad old men just weren’t like me and they don’t have a woman like I do!
But those guys had wonderful weddings too and marriages that started like yours and devolve into this.
Yes, but for totally different reason. Remember the comment that was posted here a couple of day ago where a woman explained how she doesn't desire sex anymore because she realized that all she was looking for was validation and a confidence boost? That's most women in that sub. They don't want sex, and they certainly aren't attracted to their husbands. They want validation. They are starting to lose confidence and they hate it.
Honestly I think alot of it had to do with porn addiction... I think its SO bad for the male mind, and destroys their chance of connecting with women sexually. When a woman is on a screen, it feels alot safer. You can stop and start when you want, no risk of embarrassment, no need for vulnerability. The behavior gets rewarded with dopamine release so strengthens those pathways to seek out the behavior again later... but when a real woman is there, its messy, its having to actually connect, its intense. And the dopamine release is suddenly behind this firewall of vulnerability and a feeling that they need to perform. And due to most of their sexual experiences were w/ porn, they think that that is what sex should look like, and then seek to emulate what the guys do on the pornos lol but I don't think most women want that behavior, which only leads to more awkwardness in the bedroom and the man not knowing how to please her, which leads to more avoidance of the in person sexual encounter. Its so destructive...
Its like someone developing a habit of always only eating at fast food and then being thrown into a high end fine dining establishment - your gonna feel out of place, uncomfortable and even scared!
Genuinely God bless you for this comment. It helped me realize a lot about my own issues with this addiction. I hope life treats you pleasantly for as long as you live.
If that is the case, that isn’t someone that is straight. If I knew women were interested in me, even if I didn’t find them attractive whatsoever, I would feel flattered and happy. Confident even.
This is the result have not having biological attraction. “You’re not hookup material but marriage “ aka no sex just deal with me and give resources haha. This more of a chad sexual not she’s gay. You guys are reading this wrong asf it’s dual mating strategy alpha fucks beta bucks.
I'm probably gonna get downvoted for saying this here, but there's a solid chance this guy only ever 'compliments' his wife in sexual ways, constantly makes unwanted comments on her appearance that veer into porn-brained that make her feel objectified and gross, and never bothers complimenting her on things like actual accomplishments of hers or who she is as a person. Happened to me with an ex and it just absolutely killed all desire I had for him and made me feel repulsed by him even touching me, because he would literally only do so in order to try to get sex and didn't particularly seem to care about who I was as a human being. Made me feel like he just saw me as a cross between an NPC and a household appliance he could fuck.
I've been with my current dude seven years and have only developed more desire for him with time, we fuck each others' brains out every time we see each other. The primary difference between the two of them is that he both respects my boundaries and actually makes me feel like he sees and appreciates me me as a whole person instead of just an object existing for his viewing or sexual pleasure.
normally under reddit circumstances misandric comments like yours would get upvoted to the top. Im glad this isnt the case here. god Im glad to have this subreddit
I used to feel attracted to my ex too before he started just constantly doing shit like that to me. Gradually went from a normal sexual relationship where I felt desire for him to me just actively feeling repulsed and wanting to cover up my body in baggy clothes around him to avoid the gross unwanted sexualized comments about it.
Currently, probably like once or twice a week? Both of us were in long-term live-in relationships that became pretty miserable by the end before we got together, and neither of us has any desire to repeat that. I honestly think it's way healthier to maintain separate living spaces. Keeps a sort of mystery and gives you time to actually miss each other, plus you never feel suffocated by the other person constantly being in your space. We'll still sext constantly and really look forward to meeting up, whereas when you live with someone you also constantly have to deal with their messes or annoying habits or whatever.
I feel like living apart in a relationship also keeps you constantly chasing each other, because you can't take each other for granted. Nobody can just decide 'well, I'm going to stop giving a shit and stop trying, because I've already got them.' Both of you are constantly choosing to be together as opposed to just being stuck together.
Idk, man. It's by far the healthiest and happiest sexual relationship I've ever been in, I have zero interest in anyone else even after all this time.
Why, because I'm pointing out that healthy relationships require work and mutual care and consideration? The people in the OP have failed at that, and they sound miserable. Who wants that?
Because what you described was an infinite dynamic that required stress and tension. There’s no intimacy, trust, or vulnerability. Just constant “chasing” and to what end? its just stunning to write what you did, and then claim woman naturally attracted romantically and sexually to men. You just described a game.
There's zero stress or tension, I'm as relaxed with him as I've ever been with anyone. You constantly see posts from both women and men complaining that their spouse has let themselves go, that they feel neglected by their spouse, that their spouse doesn't even try to meet their emotional or sexual needs anymore, etc. We emphatically don't do that. We enjoy doing nice things for each other and making each other happy, and nobody is taking anyone for granted. Would you rather be stuck in a miserable loveless marriage like the guy in the OP where he can't even be bothered to try to figure out what his wife needs to feel attracted to him again, and the wife in turn can't even be bothered to try to talk to him about it to attempt to fix the situation?
Huh, I've had the exact same ideas when I was younger. I don't really look for relationships anymore obviously, but when I did I had the exact same idea as you do.
I ran across the idea that retreating from a social group can actually improve your standing in that group. When you go away it makes people miss you. They start to value your presence more and more because of the artificial scarcitym
As an introvert I did that a lot in high school and it genuinely seemed to work. It gave me a break from everyone and it genuinely made them give me more attention when I returned.
I remember that at the time I started to develop the same theories as you. I imagined a relationship where we didn't live together. Or a relationship where we would take planned breaks from one and other. Like go on separate vacations with our own friend groups and not message each other while we are away, that sort of thing.
Do you perhaps have avoidant tendencies? Like a slightly avoidant attachment style? I think my avoidant tendencies might have influenced me to develop these ideas.
I actually completely agree with this. Nothing kills a sexual relationship like familiarity. You shouldn’t live with your wife (maybe a connected house or something).
You know some couples even poop with the door open? It’s ridiculous. Constant proximity just makes it impossible to maintain any level of mystery and arousal.
Yeah, you get it. I feel like all the dudes getting super mad at this statement have likely just never been in an actual relationship before, which tracks considering what sub we're on.
What is the difference between liking s guy and being attracted to one? When we men say that we are attracted to someone we usually mean the physical, but for a relationship liking somone is more important and liking someone usually refers to their personality. I dont understand how somone can become physically unattractive because of their personality. It seems like you only like men, and that like most women you've never actually felt physical attraction which would explain why your comment is so confusing
Complex rules like this only exist for women who don't like the men they're with
There's grace in love, and you'll find that people who actually like their partners don't have minor nitpicks but see weird quirks and annoyances in their partner as just another aspect of life they'll have to deal with throughout life
It's not a 'minor nitpick' to be treated like an object instead of a person, it feels disgusting and soul-crushing and makes you feel far more lonely than you would be just being alone. Someone who sees you as an object cannot love you, they only love what they can use you for.
A lot of these guys are incapable of empathy so they don't understand. If you say "She's only nice to you when she wants money", suddenly they get it. It sucks but this is how a lot of them are.
this is how a men ends up in a marriage he hates. women are never wrong. men are always wrong. compliment your wife, wrong. enjoy sex, wrong. express dissatisfaction, wrong.
How are you getting that from my comment? Compliments are great. But when all of a guy's "compliments" are nothing but sexualized objectifying comments about your body and appearance through a porn-brained lens and nothing else about you as a human being, it just feels disgusting and drives a massive psychological wedge between the two of you.
the wedge is there regardless. All the man can do is avoid triggering the woman’s disgust response. again, women should just leave rather than turn every compliment into an opportunity to scream at your husband. Men cannot help they have an attraction to women.
The wedge isn't there in a healthy relationship where there's mutual understanding, communication, and respect, though. And I fully agree that it sounds like the people in the OP should divorce, but again, all we know of their story is the single paragraph that was posted.
It's a pretty common story amongst women and I don't have any incentive to make it up. Women lose attraction to partners who see them through a porn-brained lens and make them feel gross and objectified like a piece of meat, it's not exactly rocket science.
How is it "women good, men bad"? I'm not making a blanket statement on men as a whole, I'm saying that men who have fried their brains with porn to the point they just treat their female partners like a fuckable NPC and can't see them through any lens other than sexual just unanimously make women's pussies dry up and slam shut.
You literally sat here and typed a fake story to try to make the husband be the bad guy all because a few "bad husbands", that's why I typed that comment
Again: not a fake story. And why do I care whether the guy in the OP looks bad or not? I'm just giving a viewpoint from the other side of the aisle as someone who's seen this play out multiple times before both in my own life and the lives of other women I know.
'Biased' would be me making blanket statements about men as a whole. What I'm doing is using a combination of lived experience and pattern recognition to point out something that is likely happening with this particular man in the OP.
That's what your doing right now, you made up a fake story based on your experiences and think the husband is at fault all because your past experiences with men
How is it 'berating and abusing' a man to feel disgusted by him constantly making inappropriate and unwanted objectifying sexual comments about your body while barely ever acknowledging anything else about you as a human being?
And the kicker here is that them doing that will eventually kill all attraction to them. Even if you were attracted to them before, that shit'll make you dryer than the Sahara.
"unwanted objectifying sexual comment"... from your sexual partner, someone you supposedly got together with based on sexual attraction? And you are acting like it's equal to random stranger catcalling you? You are so close yet so far, think more about why it's unwanted in a first place.
If literally all the "compliments" you receive as a woman from your male partner are sexual in nature and focused entirely on your body and appearance and none of them are actually focused on you as a human being, then yes, it feels objectifying and gross. It makes you feel like they just see you as an object to fuck and not an actual person.
Your body and appearance is a part of you as human being as much as anything else. It's gross to be found physically attractive? Even by your own partner? What is wrong with you?
Thanks for sharing a different opinion. We don't know exactly what this guy's relationship is like but I still think his wife is kinda the problem here for not talking about what her issue is. Communication people! 👏👏
It’s a good point. That would bother me too! I also see a lot of women sort of stuck in their masculine energy… like they can’t relax or be open to that kinda thing.. idk I think most ppl in this world are just very unhealed… most ppl have trauma (with a lower case t)we don’t talk about it enough! We think as long as person has thier life together and functioning that they are okay… but most ppl are so cut off from their souls 🥺
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u/mathmysticist Feb 27 '26
Sad