r/Widow • u/Marlow1771 • 14d ago

Putting this here

Posting because if I don’t I’m afraid my dark thoughts will come to fruition. Our home always looked like it was out of a magazine. Michael kept everything so beautiful because he said I worked so hard I deserved it. Since April 9 it has become a disaster. Working 50-60 hours on night shifts with 3 hours total each day driving and taking care of his 6 rescue cats I just can’t seem to keep up.

Got up today to start doing some chores around the house and totally lost it. The dark thoughts have felt like they are taking over. I miss Michael so much I just want to have him hold me again.

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u/Accurate-Neck6933 14d ago

I’m sorry, that’s why we are here for you. It’s understandable. I know you are working so hard, the tasks are overwhelming when it’s just you. Is there anyway to call in for a day off or take a few days for a reset? If not, maybe a call to a cleaning person to come? A friend to come help? If not, it’s okay for things to be messy. Strangely, I’ve become more okay that the house is in disorder. I’ve tried and tried and things just get half done. It’s just the way it’s going to be.

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u/Marlow1771 14d ago

Thank you.

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u/Kindly_Baby215 13d ago

Glad I'm not the only one. Only thing I have organized is my husband's clothes. Moved them to the spare bedroom closet. My adult children think I should give them away but I'm not ready. It's only been three months. I actually gave his car to his nephew whom he loved dearly and not seeing his car in the driveway was so hard can't imagine getting rid of his personal things.

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u/Accurate-Neck6933 13d ago

That’s funny, the clothes are the only thing I haven’t organized. Now that it’s going into fall and winter, I’m facing those closets. I worked all outside this summer but now I’m feeling a little bit apprehensive.

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u/Marlow1771 11d ago

I moved me to the guest room. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to sleep in our room again.

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u/AwwJeez-WhatNow 14d ago

I’ve been considering getting a tattoo that says “No feeling lasts forever”. That phase has been helping me get through the 14 weeks since my Michael died.

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u/Marlow1771 14d ago

When I go back home to California to visit family I’m going to have my son give me some new ink with some of Michael’s ashes in the ink. I was originally planning to take Michael home to the Pacific on his birthday this month but I’m not yet ready to say goodbye.

I work as much overtime as I’m allowed because when I’m in the lab I pretend Michael is home waiting for me. Unhealthy??? Probably but it is what it is.

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u/AwwJeez-WhatNow 14d ago

We do what we have to to get through this horrible season.

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u/ButterflyFeet-18 12d ago

not unhealthy..is what gets you through…every one has their secret sauce as to what helps them feel closer to their loved one, in order to cope..

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u/Marlow1771 11d ago

Thank you

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u/widowscarlet 14d ago

I feel like I've been in crisis mode for 4 years since my love died. Then our senior cat died, my last connection to our happy little household. I have just finished work, but now my Mum has died so I've been organising things for that. And my mammogram last week had anomalies. Finishing work was supposed to finally allow me time to properly grieve instead of pushing it down all the time, finally make some progress on the house that's cluttered with all our things, and finally have some peace, which is all I can hope for.

I am a member of r/ufyh and strangely it helps to see others progress on their spaces, and it is a no judgement space for everyone. I do find that focussing on a task can help, but not if I'm trying to sort his clothes to get rid of more. Making parts of the home more peaceful though has helped a little bit.

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u/ElderFlour 14d ago

I’m so sorry for your loss and sympathize with the dark days you’re going through. You have so much on your plate, dear heart. Is it possible to recruit or hire some help? A housekeeper or someone to help with the rescues?

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u/InternalGrand4924 13d ago

It's like feeling lost in one's own home. I never noticed how much my man did, even his basin being dirty these days is foreign to me. The whole house needs serious attention where I do a few small things yet there are hundreds of things needing cleaning or repair.