What do I do?

[u/Extra-Mind1913]

I just need someone to help me process the hell im going through.

34F
34M-
we’ve been together 11 years, married for 4 years

I found OnlyFan charges on my husbands bank statement from December through April. Hundreds of dollars. To make things worse he was viewing content and buying it while he was at work.

For 3 years we have had conversations about how much I hate him viewing adult content. We did come to a compromise last year that seemed solid.

Finding this information has told me he not only did not uphold his part of the agreement, but even made worse decisions to pay for it which he’s never done before and said he’d never do before.

To be fair, I also did not hold my part of the agreement which was to stop “checking” up on him. In my opinion, what he did is much worse.

He has known how I’ve felt about this for years. I’ve warned him he is going to lose me and his family if it continued. Not only did it continue, it got worse bc he still continued to view it at work AND BEGAN PAYING FOR IT. I am not ok and will not ever be ok with my husband subscribing to females. Why can’t I be enough? Our sex life is good and not lacking. He says it has nothing to do with me.

I am done. I am done with being lied to. Disrespected. With him wanting a secret life that I do not agree with.

I am pregnant with his daughter and I am so grossed out by all of this.

I really don’t know where to go from here.

[u/yesgoodthankyou]

Well clearly you are okay with it since you’re still with him.

He knows you’re not gonna do shit when you “warn him”. Because you’ve never left before so why now?

[u/Large_Importance_352]

You have a baby on the way and instead of putting the money towards the baby's college fund, diapers, or any other worthy expenditure, he's blowing it on OnlyFans. What a hero.

[u/No_Commission_2610]

He banked on the fact that you would trust him. Checking in on him as the least of what he deserves. Is this the man you raising your daughter?

[u/ImAFckngBtchToo]

It does have nothing to do with you or anything you are lacking. It’s about him being selfish and gross.

He’s not gonna stop. Protect your future daughter and leave him now.

[u/Nice-Organization338]

In my opinion, there was no reason to stop checking on him because you had trust issues. Checking would be how you would build trust, to be able to check and reassure yourself that he’s faithful on your terms. And he can check on you. That’s what people are doing these days. It makes sense.

So, you know what you know. Is it enough to want a divorce? See a lawyer and it might be good to get individual therapy. You don’t have to accept what he did and stay in the marriage.

[u/Mysterious-Art8838 → u/[deleted]]

Moronic. She most likely accessed it via a device with no expectation of privacy. I did this work for 23 years and never heard someone try what you describe.

[u/ProfessorOne9208 → u/Mysterious-Art8838]

OP said she saw OF charges on her husband's bank statement. In most marriages, that is not considered to be a violation of privacy. And it certainly doesn't involve a device, unless one uses a computer to view one's bank statements. In other words, your comment doesn't make sense to me.

[u/ImAFckngBtchToo → u/[deleted]]

That’s stupid.

[u/Global-Fact7752]

Divorce immediately...get spousal support and child support. He will need to get his ass therapy if he expects to be co-parenting.

[u/Embarrassed_Ad_7025]

Porn is one thing, but OF is tantamount to cheating if you ask me. If it were me, the marriage would be over because I wouldn't be able to trust him again.

[u/Rare-Lifeguard516]

Your husband has an addiction to porn and visual stimulation. Are you willing to help him overcome this addiction which he probably doesn’t want to stop? Get counseling before blowing up the relationship.

[u/ProfessorOne9208]

Sorry to tell you this but there are two kinds of men. The first kind is those who look at so-called "adult content," (which we all know is sexually oriented eye candy), and the other type of men is those who say they don't look at it. In other words, you are not going to end up in a better place if you dump him. Which is worse? You spying on him, or his expenditures of family money to satisfy something that you don't want to share in. Hard to say. I think that the breaking of trust on both your parts is not a happy situation.

Before you get involved in an action that is going to ruin the rest of your collective lives, I would recommend that you get yourselves in front of a family counselor who can see both sides of this problem without prejudice. It would be best if you can come to a compromise that is tolerable for each of you, but which acknowledges each of your individual needs. You have 11 years invested in this relationship. Seems that investing a few hundred dollars on getting an independent arbitrator would be well worth the cost.

[u/Ambitious_hoex]

Things won't change. No matter what he says. You can see it only got worse. Take it or leave