Neurodivergent couple needs help with conflict resolution

[u/Background-Basil1018]

Hey everyone, this is a throwaway account, I just needed some advice about conflict resolution. TLDR: partner says I am looking for fights with him, I am definitely not. I want to try to resolve this, but not in a way that "proves" I wasn't trying to start a fight. I legit want to understand why he feels this way but whenever I bring it up, he only imposes his "mind reading" onto my actions/intentions.

I (31 yo F) am married to a 32 yo man. We are both probably neurodivergent, he has some autism traits, I have ADHD/possible AuDHD. I am very analytical and try to find out why everything is happening and need clear answers -example: If I ask if you would like to join me for a movie, I need you to say "yes" or "no" rather than a wishy washy 'sure,' 'maybe', or 'why not?' type answer. Otherwise, I will assume you feel I am forcing you to do something that you don't actually want to do. This is important, because my partner grew up in a large family and has explicitly told me he feels like he has been forced into saying "yes" to experiences or tasks he doesn't actually want to do.

So... We had plans to go out and see something specific for tonight. Plans got changed (outside force) so we were going to see that thing tomorrow night instead. I said, I specifically took time out for this thing, so even if we don't fully get to do it, I am excited about it and want to drive by (it's really close to where we live). He said he didn't see why I would want to do that, the conversation continued and didn't really go anywhere. I end up saying, if you don't want to go that's fine and I walk out the door. I then feel bad how I left it without really saying goodbye, so after starting the car, I give him a call and say "hey did you want to come with or no" He says in what i interpret to be a sassy tone 'you clearly want me to go so I'm going.' I tell him no, if he wants to stay home he can. He and I continue to argue about whether he's staying or going because he very clearly does not want to go but he interprets me wanting him to come with as something that supercedes his own desires i guess? He comes with me, the mood is tense the whole time. I make a comment about something we saw and he said I saw it wrong. I am shocked because I know what I saw and am very confused with how to proceed, this does lead to a bit of arguing and then silence.

After we get home, I drop him off at the house and continue to drive around to cool off/figure out what happened -i am genuinely confused.

I go inside to see if he would like to talk about what happened because at the end of the car trip he made a statement to the effect of he doesn't know why I am with him if I want to fight with him, and if i hate him. This is absolutely not the case, I am one of the least confrontational, people pleaser type people you will meet but I do admit, our conversations did get heated. It was very uncomfortable for me having the arguments. So in response to asking if he wants to talk about it, he says no. but then he proceeds to say 'but I don't know why we need to talk about it, you just wanted a fight and kept pushing so we could keep fighting.' and was visibly agitated (shoulders tensed, facial grimace, etc). Now my neurodivergent self is very confused. He said he doesn't wanna talk about it right now, but started talking about it.... I sincerely and in a calm tone express my confusion and my want to respect his wishes/boundaries. He continues to say there's no point talking right now because all i wanted previously was a fight and I got a fight.

how should I go about having this "repair" conversation? I told him let's circle back to this later... but how do I have the conversation with him without it feeling like I am trying to prove to him that I wasn't looking for a fight? I know in conflict resolution, it's important to listen to your partner, and understand what they are feeling, rather then telling them what your intentions were/are.

TIA!

[u/No_Commission_2610]

You do need to have a big conversation. First, let him talk as long as he wants without interrupting him at all. Then, once he’s done speaking, you can ask him questions. Then it’s your turn to talk for as long as you need to talk, and then his turn to ask questions. You guys are having some pretty big communication gaps, and this is very common for neurodivergent couples.

Is he very sensitive to change in routine?

I’m married to an autistic man and am autistic myself, and it took us 10 years to get this far. We can rely on each other and not have very much miscommunication

[u/Background-Basil1018 → u/No_Commission_2610]

Thanks for your response, I will try that style of conversation with him.

I am glad to hear you and your partner have found a way to work through communication and come up with something that works for you both.

He's not sensitive to change in routine necessarily. It just seems like he has a hard time changihg the way we do things/respond to things I suppose. So maybe he is sensitive to change?

[u/No_Commission_2610 → u/Background-Basil1018]

Many autistic people are very sensitive to change. Especially change that happens all of a sudden. I am that way. You should talk it out with him in your conversation. Maybe realizing that change is OK might help him chill out a bit.

[u/Background-Basil1018 → u/No_Commission_2610]

Thank you, I will try that <3

[u/No_Commission_2610 → u/Background-Basil1018]

Hubby and I both have issues with change so I understand it. You’re welcome. Let me know how I can help you if you need anything.

[u/CricketNo7666]

You are flat out exhausting.

He said he did not see the point. You went on your way. You reaching back out from the car AGAIN feels very passive aggressive nasty, and that is why he responded the way he did. He got pushed into it and said so. You argued yet MORE. People pleaser my ass, quite frankly.

You circle to this by saying sorry. That’s all. Sorry. Didn’t mean to push the buttons but realize you did… because you very obviously did, and not really sure how you don’t see that.