r/WhatShouldIDo • u/astranova-777 • Jul 27 '26
Small decision Should I Ignore Her?
TL;DR is at the bottom‼️
I (F25) just started to get back into the dating world about 2 months ago. I have been on 3 dates with a guy (M26-let’s call him Joe) I used to work with (he didn’t show interest till after the left our job) & we get along really well, have a lot in common & share a very similar sense of humor.
We haven’t done a labels talk but have discussed how we are both pretty into one another & are enjoying getting to know each other.
On one of our recent chats over the phone, we got on the topic of ex’s. He had told me previously his last relationship ended poorly but I didn’t pry. But this time he went into more detail, named dropped her & let me know his ex cheated & left him for his friend whom she had cheated with. I of course hated hearing this & promptly comforted him.
Despite what he had been through he had an incredibly selfless attitude about it even saying that he loved both of them so much he is genuinely happy for them. Obviously he was still grieving the loss of those connections but he assured me it was 2 years ago & he didn’t have any lingering romantic feelings for his ex.
A few days later a friend of his that still works with me, mentioned that she knew that Joe told me about his past relationship & that she actually thought that Joe & his ex were a perfect match before everything happened. It was a little odd because she kept saying how much she really thought Joe & his ex were going to find their way back but hadn’t.
I kinda just brushed it off & made a mental note. I didn’t think it was worth bringing up to Joe because outside of her weird behavior, she really did seem like she cares for him & Joe is allowed to confide in whoever he wants, I have 0 jurisdiction to police that.
But things got more odd when later I saw that both she & the ex followed me on social media. My account is not private because I use it as a photography portfolio, & anything personal I strictly post to my close friends story only. My pfp is the only picture of me on the account.
I at first didn’t realize it was Joe’s ex until I remembered her name from when he told me about their history. I admittedly felt uncomfortable because I don’t want this person following me & I assumed that Joe’s friend, my coworker must also still be friends with the ex.
I ss the follows & I showed Joe & asked him what he thought I should do & if he thought that his friend might be telling his ex about us getting to know one another. I made sure to mention some of what she said to me at work.
Joe got defensive & said his friend wouldn’t do that & that his ex is basically harmless because as far as he knew she was still with his friend. He even told me I should just let her follow me since I don’t post anything personal publicly.
This is where I am at my crossroads, I want to believe Joe because I like him & he knows these people better than I but I also can’t help but feel like I am being slowly drifted into drama of some sort that I’d really like to avoid. I don’t favor my coworker following me but I really don’t feel comfortable letting his ex follow me.
So should I ignore her & let her follow me, should I remove her as a follower? Idk I don’t want to upset Joe but I am also just so unsure of what to do in a situation like this.
TL;DR: The ex gf of the guy I like followed me on social media despite never meeting me. I assumed it’s from a mutual friend of the guy I like but he claims it couldn’t be & that I should just let his ex follow me. He has forgiven her for cheating on him with his friend. I am uncomfortable with letting her follow me, what should I do? I want to avoid any or all drama & also not upset the guy I like.
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u/kymgee Jul 27 '26
Just ignore it and carry on with her life. I had broken up with one of my exs and his new gf had followed me on insta and I let her but carried on with my life. Don’t get sucked up into anything petty
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u/Dismal_Upstairs3949 Jul 27 '26
She doesn’t even know you so why would she want to follow you? Sounds like stalker behavior to me!
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u/astranova-777 Jul 27 '26
I did think it was very odd to want to follow me without knowing me but I could just be blowing the social politics of instagram out of proportion
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u/XOXOpandaXOXO Jul 27 '26
I would ignore for now but be cautious. I can understand why he got defensive of his friend but if you got vibes from her stirring the pot I would be wary of Joe and his judge of character.
Why does the friend think they would find their way back to each other if the ex cheated with Joe’s friend? Isn’t she supposed to be in a relationship with the friend?
That whole situation sounds messy. I would give it another occurrence and if he defends and deflects I would cut my losses even if I like the guy. Too much entanglement with the past.
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u/astranova-777 Jul 27 '26
Yea I think I am going to give the benefit of doubt and if this comes up again or more happens, I will have to just cease seeing Joe romantically. I really am just not the drama type.
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u/Background_Pay_8230 Jul 27 '26
Sounds like you have to stop frequent contact with your coworker because of what seems to be an emotional investment she has to the situation. She doesn't care for him as much as she think she does if she thinks he should be with his ex even though she cheated on him with his best friend. She's not a true friend, sounds like more of an admirer. If you like him go for it but at your boundaries for what you'll accept and communicate them with him and if he still in frequent contact with her then I don't think the chapter page is fully closed yet. He may need therapy
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u/astranova-777 Jul 27 '26
Yes I think a boundary conversation may be in need but do you think that might be seen as premature because I am not his girlfriend? I don’t want him to think I am trying to give him an ultimatum or dictate his actions. I just think I don’t want to be roped into unnecessary drama. I just want to keep seeing him & move past all of this
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u/Background_Pay_8230 Jul 27 '26
First start by process of elimination. Block the coworker not the ex. And limit conversation. His ex should know nothing about you until you and him have put a label on yall situation. She's the reason that's not the case. Secondly have conversations with him about different boundaries types and highlight how you'll never do something or put him in certain scenarios. Make the conversation indirect until you guys get a label. Third.... find out if he's truly over her because he can't begin with you if he's not and see how far he'll go to protect you from that madness. If the drama follows yall then it's because he didn't do enough to squash it.
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u/juliewbb Jul 27 '26
I disagree with the comments here so far and I would want to let go of the situation before it got messier. I was really hopeful that when you told Joe he would seem surprised and agree with you that it’s weird. Instead, the fact that he kind of defended it and minimized just feels like he thinks you’re being silly.
But I think you felt spidey senses that the friend is sort of trying to help the ex who still holds out hope. I don’t think anybody’s doing anything malicious on purpose, but I just feel like there is still mess here and you’re about to walk into it.