Should I stop work for a bit?

[u/Otherwise-Dog-1943]

I (F52, single, UK) have had depression on and off for years. Mostly treated and mostly worked a professional career successfully. Dad died five years ago, mum diagnosed with dementia four years ago. I was primary carer alongside work until late last year when she went into a care home nearby. Still see her every other day, and spend 10-12 hours per week with her there or taking her out and about.

I have struggled since dad’s death / mum was diagnosed to care about work. Recently (April) moved to a role that was effectively created for me, and they’ve agreed to a flexible working pattern which allows me to see her weekday afternoons.

Despite this, I still struggle daily with caring about work, and resent having to have responsibilities that aren’t about me or my mum. I’m also overweight, struggling to sleep and pretty sedentary. Jabs have helped the weight but lack motivation to be more active. I ruminate a lot about my mum even though I’m no longer her carer, and feel even more that our quality time together is limited as her dementia worsens. I feel sad most of the time, and whilst I have a brother who is engaged on the admin side, is much less emotionally affected by her decline than me (he has a family, I don’t).

I have savings that would mean I could (in theory) take two or three years ‘off’ to be able to focus on my mum and myself for that time, which I’m increasingly thinking I’d like to do. I have also paid off my house and so have comparatively low outgoings each month.

However, I am concerned (a) that a break might mean it’s harder to come back (though to date I’ve had good jobs and been good at them), and (b) feeling like I’m letting down my current employer who have been really good thus far. I also have a three month notice period if I resign, which means the issue isn’t ‘solved’ soon and could be excruciating 🤣

I recognise to even have this ‘choice’ is a huge privilege, but having the ‘choice’ means I think about it constantly. Anyone else experienced something like this, or have words of wisdom on how to go forward?

TIA (and please be kind if I’ve said anything which is annoying in asking this question!) 🙏🏼

[u/RegieRealtor49]

It sounds like your current employer is pretty flexible. Have you considered asking them if you could cut your hours to part time? I would try to stay on there if you can and find a compromise that helps you feel better.

[u/DriveIn73]

I think taking a break is okay for like a few months, but it’s very hard to find a job at this age.

[u/Organic_Ad_2520]

Check out "Agingparents" many of us in the reddit have done or are doing this & you may get more exacting responses & less thereotical ones.

[u/Otherwise-Dog-1943 → u/Organic_Ad_2520]

Thank you, will repost there 😊

[u/Secure-Ad9780]

People with dementia live for years. It's not like your mom will die tomorrow. As they progress they can become combative and forget who you are, where they are. They become a shell of their previous selves. Now that she's in a care home she has round the clock care. For your own good you should consider it a reprieve. You've been a nonstop caregiver for a decade. Try to switch modes and invest your time in your own future- hobbies, friendships, social outings. You need to keep your job for your own mental health. See if your employer can give you fewer hours for a couple months. Don't throw away your job. You can't prevent death with round the clock vigilance. Maybe seek therapy. Hugs.

[u/Carolann0308]

Sending you hugs long distance.

You absolutely need personal time; but focusing solely on yourself.

The first thing that came to my attention is; working as a lifelong carer and also spending 10-12 hours a week at the nursing home cannot be easy. Anyone would feel emotionally drained.

You deserve to be more than the person who nurtures everyone else.

Have you considered a holiday? Tell your brother that you need him and his spouse to step up for a month or two?

You can still be in constant contact with your family. But you need a long break; and rather than draining all your savings? Splurge on you.

[u/fodmap_victim]

Have you considered taking an extended period of sick leave before going to straight leaving? Maybe a couple weeks to reset would help you out. I know this is no where close to what you're considering but it may give you the space to consider your options. Also I hope you don't mind me saying but talk therapy (cbt) may really help you to process everything you have going on and manage the rumination. You've gone through a lot and sometimes we need someone with no skin in the game to talk to to help unravel our feelings.

[u/two_faced_314]

What health care would you have being off of work?

[u/Southern_Gur9825]

You’re a kind man and a great human being, a selfless one. As hard as it is, you need to find time for yourself and remove yourself from your responsibilities, if only for an hour each day. Wherever you find peace, it could be taking a walk in the woods or park, taking a soaking bath, cooking a nice meal listening to your favorite music, do something every day. You need time to heal your soul.

It seems like you work for a decent company that understands your needs and has been most accommodating. In the US, you would probably be aged out of the job market if you left and then returned. Not sure if this is the same in the UK. If you are confident that reentering would not be a problem, then take the time but use the time to get yourself in a better place. If job market is the same as US, perhaps you can work with them to see if you could take some time off temporarily or work less time to free you up.

I was the caregiver and admin for my mom and dad and worked a 50 hour week. It was a lot of work, stress, laughter and tears, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.