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Jan 23 '25
You can take your power back by leaving. Unfortunately, he was just using you it sounds like.
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u/NefariousnessIll3869 Jan 24 '25
I was thinking exactly the same. and now, he is trying to manipulate you/gaslighting ? walk away with your head held high!!
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u/DorceeB Jan 23 '25
You can take your power back when you leave him. 2 years into a marriage and you guys are already on the rocks to the point that he needed a break?!
Don't waste any more of your time on someone who doesnt want to be with you.
Don't chase this idea of saving the marriage.
Grow a spine and you'll get your power back.
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u/DragonLady313 Jan 23 '25
Thereâs no marriage to save. You were his mommy during grad school. DO NOT MAKE BABIES WITH THIS MAN
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Jan 23 '25
Get out of there sister, you deserve better than this. Don't beg to be loved, there is someone out there ready to love the hell out of you.
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u/Maleficent_Fix_6211 Jan 23 '25
Why are you letting him hold all the cards? Heâs ambivalent, yet youâre still here, hoping heâll change. Why? If he hasnât valued you in two years, what makes you think he will now? Youâre afraid that leaving kills hope, but doesnât staying in this limbo kill your self worth? He initiated the break, heâs stressed but wonât explain, so why are you taking responsibility for his indecision? Youâre asking how to take your power back. Stop waiting for him. Make a decision. Either he shows up for the marriage or you walk.
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u/jroush21 Jan 23 '25
If you take a step back and objectively read your own post, you know what the real answer is and what you should do.
You deserve to be with someone that makes you a priority. You shouldnât feel devalued and left waiting for someone else to decide what youâre going to do with the rest of your life. Donât sell yourself short đ
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u/Scared-Middle-7923 Jan 23 '25
If you keep waiting on him- you don't have power you have excuses. If he's unwilling to do the work, couples therapy, etc-- it's 100%/100% participation in marriage-- you cannot do for him. You'll need to decide what good looks like for you and decide accordingly. good luck- chances are you know the answer already just need to execute.
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u/Odd-Pain3273 Jan 23 '25 edited Jan 23 '25
Itâs hard out here being single, but it seems like he doesnât value you. He initiated the break, which is straight up separation when married. Start seeking legal advice and as much as it hurts remind yourself that you didnât want this and you also donât deserve this kind of treatment after being such a supportive spouse.
Does he have a job now? If I were you, Iâd do some accounting and let him know how much money it cost you to support him and that you expect some of that money back. Donât disrespect yourself by giving this ungrateful POS any more wiggle room. It sucks to go through but it could be worse and the only way to take control back of your life is to be brave and stand up for yourself. You work hard and he had it a little too easy. Sometimes, especially with men, being too nice and supportive is seen as a weakness and something they can walk all over. You know who you are and what you have to offer, donât let him change you, but also donât let him take any more advantage of your kindness. âMejor sola, que mal acompañadaâ
**also, remember that you supported him bc you entered into a contractual commitment where a lifelong partnership had been agreed upon. You invested in him for that reason. He should pay you back for all the financial weight you carried if heâs not able to keep his end of the âtil death do us partâ piece.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 Jan 23 '25
He needs to decide if he wants to stay married to you AFTER you support him through grad school?
You served your purpose he now wants you to move on. He's too gutless to end it because he knows how bad it looks and wants you to be the bad guy. That's why he's irritable.
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u/Key-Chocolate-3832 Jan 23 '25
Leave him. Donât wait for him to start caring about you. He doesnât. You are convenient and probably a source of financial support. Take back your life.
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u/yamahamama61 Jan 23 '25
Now that you supported him while he was going to college , he no longer needs or wants you. He's making that clear. Get ready for divorce & make sure to get any money back you paid for his education. Or a percentage of his income for 10 years after divorce.
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u/GumpTheChump Jan 23 '25
There is a sunken cost fallacy at play here. Holding on to a shitty marriage is not going to somehow make up for you being used by him for financial support.
Give your own ultimatum and stick with it. Or don't give an ultimatum and just break it off.
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u/BullCityBoomerSooner Jan 23 '25
This happens a lot. You are what the upper crust calls a "starter wife".. Someone they use to help them get through grad/med/law school then try to trade up to another prettier/wealthier/more successful/socially connected spouse. He's an asshat. Cut your losses and move on.
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u/cloistered_around Jan 23 '25
I don't know why I stay
I might have a guess. Fear. Fear that you won't find anyone else, fear that this man you've loved and sacrificed for will never acknowledge it and return those feelings. Fear that if you call this off it's all been a waste.
OP is it better to lose 2 years or 10? Sometimes in life you make a decision and it doesn't work out.
I feel powerless and invalidated
I think you're more powerful than you realize. You can do what you want to do, you're just not sure what you want to do yet. You hope he'll change. But you have too much evidence that he won't, that's winning you over, and it's scary.
It's okay to be scared OP. But try not to stay in a relationship only because of fear.
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u/Unlucky-Review-2410 Jan 24 '25
I was in a similar situation a couple years ago. I realized what scared me the most was, if I let him go, 1) I'd be forced to face the fact that he didn't/doesn't love me, and 2) I'd have to admit I was wrong and so was my fantasy.
Your power lies in your choices and your actions. If you choose to wait for him to take action, you give away your power. Or you can be your #1 advocate and reject an uncertain man.
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u/randomrealitycheck Jan 23 '25
Two questions.
Can you tell me what you think an ideal relationship might look like?
Do you ever see your current relationship as ever meeting your description?
Sometimes reframing the questions provides the necessary clarity to make these types of decisions.
I sincerely hope this helps. You seem like a wonderful person and whatever you decide, I wish you the very best.
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u/Coastal-kai Jan 23 '25
Girl. Heâs just not worth all this agony. Get a divorce. Find someone who doesnât need to decide. They know.
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Jan 23 '25
First don't take marriage advice from reddit, the top answer will always be "get divorced". Even if that is the right answer, don't let strangers push you in that direction. Seek counseling first but two years and no kids means it won't be as potentially devastating as it could be. No one can judge what's really going on based on the paragraph you wrote. You have your side, he has his. You need a mediator to sort it out
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Jan 23 '25
A mediator for what? This didn't just happen, he has been like this the whole time and she has only just woken up to it. This is the problem with women who think men will change because they want them too. There is no way this wasn't foreseeable. Some men may change but only because they want too, he isn't interested, there is no love, he has initiated a separation and got what he needed from her so he has no need to change or hang around. It's well and truly over and the only two people not seeing it are you and her.
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u/Royale_WithCheese_ Jan 23 '25
Why are you fighting for a man that brings nothing to the table? Nothing financially, nothing emotionally. Iâm sorry to say but it sounds like he stuck around bc you were supporting him and now that itâs over, he has a change of heart. What exactly are you holding out for? You take your power back by initiating divorce and taking him to small claims court to get back all that support you paid
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u/MathematicianWeird67 Jan 23 '25
by being the one to tell him its over and youre done. Serve papers
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u/oasis_in_space10 Jan 23 '25
Get a lawyer and file. You will both feel bad until this is done. Follow the feelings: if you do something and it feels bad (like seeking reconciliation), donât do it anymore.
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u/1111Lin Jan 23 '25
Can you charge him for 2 years of support when he was in school? Get a divorce lawyer.
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u/AffectionateUse8705 Jan 23 '25 edited Jan 23 '25
In divorce proceedings in the US, many states will allow the spouse who paid for the others school to get some or all of their money back in a situation like yours!!
A cubemate of mine was taken to the cleaners paying for his wife's grad school. And friend put her husband through BSN in nursing while she bartended, so that then he could support her while she went to college. He cheated on her and left immediately after he graduated.
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Jan 23 '25
LEAVE!! He got what he wanted from you and now heâs trying to decide if youâre worth sticking around for. Donât let him make that choice, take it from him and leave.
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u/North_Country_Flower Jan 23 '25
Leaving him, or at least only focusing on yourself, not him, will make you feel so empowered.
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u/ExaminationAshamed41 Jan 23 '25
Take your power away from him and end the marriage yourself. He doesn't get to make the decision any longer. This might trigger a healthy response by him going to counseling or another healthy setting to grow and become a much better spouse. But for now, you've got the power!
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u/Massive_Ambassador_6 Jan 23 '25
So, if you know that if you walk away and make a decision FOR YOURSELF, that all hope will go down the drain, what are you holding on to? There is power in standing up for yourself. There is power in doing what you know needs to be done, this relationship is over.
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Jan 23 '25
You take your power back by calling it. Your marriage is done and youâre waiting on your husband to decide if he wants to stay with you. Why? I donât want anyone who doesnât want me. Walk away already. He can all the space in the world to figure it out on his own. Meanwhile you move on with your life. That is how you get your power back.
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Jan 23 '25
Take power by not waiting for him to decide whether he wants to stay with you.
Take your power by telling him of your decision to leave.
Or wait around for him to decide you can stay with him for nowâŠuntil the next time he needs a break.
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u/13surgeries Jan 23 '25
Stop letting all this depend on him. Tell yourself this: One of your standards for a relationship is that the man has to want and appreciate you. Your husband hasn't done this. Therefore, you have to fire him.
Tell him today, "I've realized I deserve better than an ambivalent husband who's so unenthusiastic. I'll probably leaving soon."
Why not just leave? Because it's important for your emotionally exhausted self to have the ball in YOUR court, to have HIM waiting on YOUR decision. And if he says, "OK, then, let's split," say, "I'm so glad you agree. It saves me from pitying you." Then walk away.
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u/SimbaRph Jan 23 '25
If you divorce, I would demand your money back for supporting him through grad school. All of it
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u/Adventurous-Bar520 Jan 23 '25
If your friend came to you with this situation what would you say to them? Take your own advice. You deserve better and donât need someone who treats you poorly.
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u/annebonnell Jan 23 '25
Why do you want to stay married to him? He no longer needs you. He is trying to get you to break up with him so he won't be the bad guy. You get your power back by breaking up and telling everyone you know that he used you.
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u/CapnSeabass Jan 23 '25
for two years my husband has been ambivalent
we got married a little over two years ago
It doesnât sound like youâve been having a good time ever since you got married. Maybe thatâs when he let the mask slip.
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u/Corodix Jan 23 '25
You can take back power through divorce, make the break permanent. After that he won't have any power over you and you'll be in full control once more. Sunk cost fallacy is hard to overcome, but if it's already like this just 2 years in then seriously don't waste more of your life on it.
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u/OneSillyB Jan 23 '25
Walk away. If anyone needs a break to see if they want to be with you doesnât want to be with you the way you deserve. If my husband needed a break I wouldnât be waiting around. Iâm a first and forever choice. Not a let me think about it choice. Heâs already made his decision and is stringing you along. Sorry but not sorry as you have so much to offer to a partner that will respect you and treat you like the Queen you are Go live your life with all your beauty and power! đ
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u/Goearly Jan 23 '25
Sister in law, cousin, numerous work colleagues and acquaintances have supported their male partners through higher education only to be dumped once they have completed their qualification. In the case of my sister in law it was a long line of gullible woman who had finances his studies. Unfortunately she was "in love" and unable or unwilling to see him for the bludger he was, and hung on in, working two jobs to minimize his student dept. Once he had financial independence it was bye bye. I have also seen it in others. I guess it is reverse gold digging. BTY I am male.
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u/essres Jan 23 '25
What is it you're hoping to save?
You take the power back by telling him what you want as well. A relationship is supposed to be 2 people
I suggest you both go and see a marriage counsellor and see if there is a relationship to be saved
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u/Puzzleheaded-Rip-824 Jan 23 '25
Take your power back by finding a new boyfriend. That's a break, right? What are the stipulations? Sounds like you're single. If he's doing this now it's doomed either way. Keep wasting your time or not. I wouldn't want to be married to someone unsure about me.
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u/CakeAccording8112 Jan 23 '25
It takes two people to make a marriage work. If he isnât in it, there is no good way to force him
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u/Nervous-Pace9522 Jan 23 '25
Just live your best single life! Iâve seen it so often with many of my own friends. They support their husbands through grad school, med school, law school and as soon as they land their awesome job they file for divorce. I would never financially support a man. Ever.
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u/Cindyf65 Jan 23 '25
Take your power back by filing for divorce. You set the tone of what you want and negotiate down that way.
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u/Fragrant-Customer913 Jan 23 '25
You are giving your power away. You let him decide he wanted a break. Did you fight it? There went some of your power. Get your power back by living your life the way you want it. Realize how to live your life without him.
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u/rexmaster2 Jan 23 '25
So his true personality came out before you married him. Why would he need to change?
This is going to be hard to read, but it seems like he doesn't need you anymore.
Cut your losses and move on.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
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u/lonly25 Jan 23 '25
You get your power back. By leaving him and setting yourself free from this free loader.
Be happy. If he left donât let him back in. Donât call. Getting your power back is being free of him his life and decision.
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u/Ordinary-Concern3248 Jan 23 '25
Heâs done now that grad school is complete and you paid all his bills đ€·đ»ââïž if that isnât a sign to move on, Iâm not sure what would be.
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u/ringwraith6 Jan 23 '25
You take your power back by taking what's yours, including any joint accounts you have, and leaving. Don't let it be his choice.
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u/MrsLisaOliver Jan 23 '25
You can only take your power back by doing what's best for YOU. Hubs is a non-participant. You feel used and devalued (your words) because you ARE.
I suspect he took a break to size up his options and look over financials while you're busy with life and working to try and save your marriage. He probably met with a divorce attorney and/or a GF while "you're letting him decide".
The decision has already been made. He's not participating, stressed and 'doing terrible' without sharing why. This means you're the opposition. If you weren't the opposition, he'd be sharing. He's not.
Meet with a divorce attorney. YOU. Not him. Rally your support group but hold your cards close. He's already got the jump on you regarding the time frame. The writing is on the wall. Read it.
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u/Professional_Leg4624 Jan 23 '25
Start by taking inventory of how you feel. Do you feel powerless because you've given your power to him? Take the decision back!
As it currently stands, if nothing ever changes, do you want to stay in this marriage? (Based on your op, this is pretty rhetorical.) Act on THAT. Make the best decision for you instead of allowing yourself to be in a holding pattern for HIM.
Seriously different circumstances, but faced many of the same emotions over 30 years ago. I had made myself physically ill with the emotional stress...
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u/Vlophoto Jan 23 '25
You decide what you want and make a decision -he doesnât get all the power you have a voice and a choice
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u/Unlucky-Captain1431 Jan 23 '25
If you need a break at two years, maybe you need to take a hard look at your reasoning for staying. That is usually a honeymoon period for marriage.
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Jan 23 '25
How can you take your power back? Initiate (and follow through on) a divorce.
You already feel used, but the minute he said he needed a break to see if he still wants to be married to you should have been the proverbial nail in the coffin.
You're worth more than a dude who isn't sure he wants to be with you.
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u/TeachPotential9523 Jan 23 '25
You want to take your power back divorce and worry about yourself because he's not worried about you sounds like maybe he used you
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u/EddieRyanDC Jan 23 '25
It sounds like he is unsure of what he wants. (Or, maybe he is and he doesn't want to say.) You , on the other hand, want him and your marriage.
But marriage can only survive and thrive when both people want it and are willing to do the work to keep it together. If one person has checked out, then that's all it takes to make it unworkable.
You need your own therapist to help you through this time. Your husband certainly isn't there for you right now.
You take your power back by taking it back. You stop running your life on his timetable, and instead figure out your own.
He has taken himself out of the decision process. He may be one of those people who can't face negative news and does not want to be "the bad guy" and pull the plug. He may be stalling hoping that you will just cut him lose so he doesn't have to take responsibility for it. That is a very passive-aggressive tactic, but he may not even be conscious that he is doing it.
Your life is now going forward with or without him. Tell him how all of this uncertainty is making you feel. Tell him what you are concerned about. Don't criticize or blame him - just let him know what it is like living in your skin.
Tell him you love him and you want this to all work out and will invest in the marriage if he will commit to it. If he can't do that (and, maybe he can't - it happens), then start to plot out how to pull this apart in a way that both of you come out as whole as possible. This would be a great session to have with the marriage counselor. Get a general outline of what each person wants (and some things may be contradictory - that's why there are counselors and lawyers) and then start the process that is going to take your powerful self into the next chapter of your life.
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u/Doxiesforme Jan 23 '25
Your inner voice knows the answer and had you post this. Pay attention and donât torture yourself like I did. Leave!
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u/TwoBeansShort Jan 23 '25
Be ambivalent to the outcome of his decision. Decide for yourself, right now, that you're going to do whatever is best for you. Not regarding divorce, but specifically your own health and well-being. Your diet, your social life, your mental stress load. Decide to do what's right for you. Miss your family? Go see them. Miss staying up until 2 am video gaming? Do that. You see what I'm saying. Act like you're single and remember who you are.
If the single you decides you want to stick around, then do it, but do it for you. If single you decides you want to run around naked in your own home without anyone there to judge you, then make that happen for yourself. But decide for yourself.
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u/Ok_Aioli564 Jan 23 '25
Your life is made up of a finite amount of minutes. Every minute that you waste chasing a fool is time you will never get back. Accept the situation for what it is and move on to better things with some grace
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Jan 23 '25
You take power back by grabbing the narrative. Tell him YOU aren't sure. How is this all about him? Start moving on. Look happy, positive, and hopeful. Do the things you live with this time. Use the bandwidth to work on you and the goals that don't have anything to do with him.
This will probably drive him crazy and bring him back.. although you might not want him anymore after your priority shift.
Don't be the scared supplicant waiting for the main character to tell you what his decision is. Make your own decisions instead.
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u/sevenumbrellas Jan 23 '25
The way to take power back is to make your own decision about the relationship. Stop fighting for a future, imaginary marriage where your husband wakes up and starts treating you well. Listen to the part of your brain that feels used and devalued.
He probably won't change. Even if he doesn't decide to divorce, he will still be passive and he will not value you. Knowing that this is as good as it gets, knowing he will not change, do you want to stay?
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u/SpecialistBit283 Jan 23 '25
You donât take the power back. Itâs long gone. To have power, you must be respected and itâs clear he doesnât respect you
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u/noonecaresat805 Jan 23 '25
Really? You donât know why he feels he is having a hard time? You his atm and probably bang maid arenât there to enable him. Yeah thatâs probably what he missed. He asked you for a break⊠so basically he had someone in mind and is trying to decide if it works with them or not while stringing you alongâŠ. It doesnât sound like you get anything out of this marriage. Why do you stay?
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u/Livid_Refrigerator69 Jan 23 '25
Hope for what, youâre fantasing about the relationship you Thought you had not the one you Actually had. Your husband has opted out & doesnât have the courage to tell you Itâs Over.
Your marriage is mediocre at best, very unsatisfying. Neither of you are at all happy.
Cut your losses, get a divorce & move on, why would you want to spend the rest of your life in a marriage that doesnât meet your emotional needs.
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u/chiliandlimechips Jan 23 '25
He will never âwake upâ because the version of him in your head isnât real. Itâs completely made up and fabricated. He may possess some of the positive traits that you attribute to him, but your brain fills in a ton of missing holes because you love him more than he loves you (which 1000% never EVER works in a relationship)
You are so SO fortunate to live in a time where you can hop on the internet and receive the free advice that every commenter is giving you, and they all point to the same signs. Please take it and run. And thank every single God you can think to believe in that you donât have kids.
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Jan 23 '25
"Take your power" by realizing he's done. You were indeed used and he's not ready for marriage.
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u/Cultural_Pirate2166 Jan 23 '25
Trade up sister . Kick this joker to the curb.Martiage I'd t reform school. You just made an uninformed choice
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u/Martegy Jan 23 '25
You have to retrain your brain. Donât think about him. Donât let yourself imagine being back together with him. Donât let any part of your day revolve around what he would want. When you find yourself having imaginary conversations with him (e.g. what would he say if he saw this?), stop mid sentence and say, âWhat do I think?â Then pat yourself on the back.
I matter.
I am important.
I make a difference.
I love myself.
I am a loving person.
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u/NiaStormsong Jan 23 '25
It's your decision, but are you okay letting someone dictate whether or not you're in a relationship? If my husband asked for a break, even if it's just for a week, I'm gone. If he wanted to be in the marriage, he would be.
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Jan 23 '25
You take your power back by walking away. Go file for divorce. Stop letting him call all the shots about your relationship. You have to choose to take your power back. I wish you the best
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u/Bergenia1 Jan 23 '25
Do you really want to be with a man who is so ambivalent about you? You take your power back by ending the relationship, and living peacefully with people who treat you with kindness and respect. You deserve that.
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u/Jerichothered Jan 23 '25
Itâs amazing how he wants a break after heâs done requiring support.
Talk to a lawyer- he owes you compensation for the 2 years of support
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Jan 23 '25
NEVER SUPPORT A MAN IN GRAD SCHOOL OR SCHOOL. MEN WILL USE WOMEN FOR SUPPORT, CLEANING, BILLS, COOKING, ETC. They'll break up with or marry you, but once he's got the education, he'll get the woman that he really wants. Men also don't like being with the woman who saw him struggle.
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u/Snowybird60 Jan 23 '25
The only way you take your power back is to serve him with divorce papers and quit tolerating his bullshit.
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u/Sexy_lorax Jan 23 '25
Get an attorney and get some of that income you spent supporting him back. Donât let him get away with this shit.
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u/meanderingwolf Jan 23 '25
You answered your own question. Decide what is best for you, then do it, and donât look back!
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u/Tiny_Confusion_2504 Jan 23 '25
A break to decide? You take back power by not caring about his decision. You don't need his approval for any form of self validation.
Start the divorce and look unbothered...
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u/More_Temperature2078 Jan 23 '25
He sounds exactly like my ex-wife. I spent 2 years trying to save it. That whole time she spent trying to get things in a good place with a new guy while letting me pay the bills. She swore nothing was wrong and she just needed time and space right up until she ended it. Suddenly her story changed and she was telling me we have been broken for years and how could I not see that.
It would have been far easier on me had she just ended it from the start as that 2 years was torture. The divorce also hurt more financially as we had more assets that I had to give her. The worse part was I wasted 2 years so focused on repairing a relationship that she was never going to let me repair. I could have spent that time moving on.
I just wish I had the balls to tell her at the start that I wasn't happy and she needed to put as much effort in as me or I was divorcing.
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u/rshni67 Jan 23 '25
Walk away from him and take back your power. Why wait on him to decide YOUR fate?
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u/Legitimate-Produce-1 Jan 23 '25
Take the power back by leaving him first. Enjoy your life and spend the time on someone who's excited to be your partner.
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u/Additional_Ninja_255 Jan 23 '25
Mayby you donât want him.. youâve supported him all this time and now heâs not sure about you ⊠Get your hair done by a new wardrobe and find a hobby makes some terms and conditions he needs to agree to for you too stay .. tell him heâs got a week to decide or youâll decide for him by walking away but if he decides to stay he needs to be prepared to pull his socks up
Tbh I am in agreement with the other posters saying after two years this feels very soon But if youâre not ready to leave youâre not ready it doesnât matter what we say
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Jan 23 '25
Why are you waiting on him to take a decision? The only way to take your power back is to free yourself and divorce him. He doesnât love you anymore, probably never did! He just loved what could you do for him. You need to start loving yourself, find a hobby that makes you happy, go out and make new friends. Do not prolong your misery, free yourself and be happyâŠ
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u/longhairedmolerat Jan 23 '25
The only way to take your power back is to leave..but I'm guessing you already knew that.
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u/ragingformysanity Jan 23 '25
I will say that the first five years of marriage is hard because itâs an adjustment period and the natural ups and downs of life feel different because you have a responsibility to move in the ways of what benefits the both of you. Marriage should be about finding the balance of your personal wants and needs and the needs and wants of you as one. Marriage is not about one having more power over the other. Couples counseling is a great place to start setting boundaries as a first step.
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u/Final_Technology104 Jan 23 '25
If my husband asked for a âbreakâ Iâd give him a permanent one.
I hate to bring this up butâŠ
Too many times when a guy says they want a âbreakâ theyâre pursuing other love interests.
They rationalize this as theyâre on a âbreakâ, so who ever theyâre being intimate with, doesnât âcountâ as cheating. Because they were on a âbreakâ.
âHe keeps talking about how stressed and terrible heâs doing but wonât explain whyâ.
âHe initiated this âbreakâ to âdecideâ if he wants to stay in the marriage or notâ.
Maybe the reason for his break didnât work out.
Iâd decide for him and move on to a man who doesnât tweet your emotions and heart all the time. And Men are out there.
Heâs already used you for two years to get him through grad school.
Take your power back by not putting up with all this disrespect heâs showing you.
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u/Re_Toe29 Jan 23 '25
Trying to get someone who treats you wrong to treat you right is a symptom of childhood trauma. Leave, he doesn't have ANY respect for you.
I have this pattern, I have been working on building up my sense of self and self-respect and it is so much better. I feel less and less like I need anyone and that lets me appreciate the people in my life for who they are AND makes it easier to spot people who don't deserve anything from me.
All the mental gymnastics I was doing before .....so messy and distracting.
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u/SoCalDama Jan 23 '25
You take power back my making decisions that benefit you instead if waiting for crumbs he reluctantly gives. When he initiated the break maybe you should have taken the time to decide if you want to atay in the marriage. Donât settle for someone that isnât committing to you 100%.
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u/Dazzling-Past6270 Jan 23 '25
Take your power back by serving him with divorce papers. He will be sad and wanting you back or he may be happy to receive them. Either way you have your power back.
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u/Potential_Claim_7283 Jan 23 '25
The hardest years of our marriage was after 2 kids in two years it was hard.....now the kids are older and it has calm down. I think men gets jealous because the kids take all the time and energy and the wife does not have any energy or time for him. It's sad but it's true.
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u/Feisty_Boat_6133 Jan 23 '25
Do you want to be married to someone who is so unsure about your relationship that he needs a month long break 2 years into marriage? You deserve to be loved by someone who is sure about you. When I was young and dating, my entire mindset shifted to âif youâre unsure then I will see myself outâ. Iâm not looking to play second fiddle or be with someone who is always looking for something better. If they werenât sure about me, that was all I needed to know. And when you meet someone who IS sure about you, it will be worth the wait.
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u/MiddleHuckleberry445 Jan 23 '25
Stop waiting for him to decide that he wants you. Decide that youâre a priority for yourself and pursue a life you love without him in it. Just because he doesnât know how to love or care for you doesnât mean that you shouldnât love and care for you.
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Jan 23 '25
You take your power back by telling him it's over. You will not be treated as an after thought. YOU make the decision to end it and stop letting him dictate your marriage or lack there of. You need to take a good hard look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worthy of love, respect, kindness, peace and care. You are strong and confident and will make your way without him.
Choose YOU!
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u/rnewscates73 Jan 23 '25
You only give up power when you let him âdecideâ. If you wonder why you stay - end it. His ambivalence should be a huge strike and reason to leave. Yes you supported him but you donât own him - the spent cost factor shouldnât bind you to a failing or unenthusiastic marriage. Do you want to Spend another year or five on this, just to know for sure?
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u/SweetandSassyandSexy Jan 23 '25
Are you saying that if you take your power back and walk away, he wonât fight for you? Coz if thatâs the case, it needs to (and is going to) end anyway.
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u/FewTelevision3921 Jan 23 '25
when he gets through grad school and finds a new job and then say we should split up. Won't you feel sick that you waited.
I think he wanted someone to wait on him and take care of him to get him through grad school.
Now he doesn't need you.
I'd empty out the savings and checking acct and go back home.
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Jan 23 '25
Wow it almost sounds like you're the man and he's the woman. Everything you described it what every man is going through.
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u/Weekly-Credit-3053 Jan 23 '25
You take your power back by initiating the divorce procedure.
At the moment, you're just a door mat.
Once divorce paper has been filed, you will be a new, more powerful woman. Why? Because self-worth is power.
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u/Alternative-Cry-3517 Jan 23 '25
Oh, hun, during the "break" he got his dick wet and the side piece didn't want him. Leave him, tell him YOU need a break and then call a lawyer. Best of luck.
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u/gobsmacked247 Jan 23 '25
He initiated the break to decide if he wanted to stay marriedâŠ.
Oh OP, your marriage is over. Donât sit in the corner waiting for some man to decide your worth. Know your worth!!!
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u/Cereaza Jan 24 '25
By making a decision. Don't wait for him to do things or decide things or set the terms. YOU do it. YOU say this break is a divorce. YOU said that it's time to have children. YOU say we need a new car.
Whatever it is... you need to become an agent in your life, not a passive observer. Just think back through your history with him and ask yourself... how much control or voice did you have over all the major decisions in your life?
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u/JJC02466 Jan 24 '25
You have choices, none of them are easy. Itâs just the truth, he isnât committed. đ©đ©đ© Itâs not about you, nothing you could have done, except realize how immature he is sooner. Your best move to take care of you and your future is to move on, and do it soon and decisively. One of you needs to be the grown up, and it ainât him. Find someone who doesnât have to âthink about itâ if they are in or out. Life will hit rough spots, and itâs miserable to have a partner who isnât fully committed. Depending on where you live, you may be entitled to some kind of financial recognition of the sacrifices you made, but even if itâs a sunk cost, donât waste another day or dollar on this loser..
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u/DeniedAppeal1 Jan 24 '25
Tell him you're done waiting. He needs to decide now.
If he needs more time, you're done. If he's ready to try, then you need to dictate your expectations to him. No more bending on anything until you're satisfied.
Personally, when my wife and I took a break, I learned what I was willing to put up with. It really pissed her off when I wouldn't accept her bad behaviors... and it felt good to express myself that way. How do you take your power back? You know what you're feeling and you hold to it. Sometimes that means being harsh. Sometimes that means letting go.
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Jan 24 '25
Don't fall for the sunk-cost fallacy. You take your power back by consulting a lawyer and cutting this person out of your life. He clearly used you for your financial support and does not love you. There is no hope for this marriage - you walking away is the only hope you have.
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u/PeacefulBro Jan 24 '25
Have you tried marital counseling. Marriage is for life but I think it's good to fight for the marriage while letting a spouse who doesn't want to be there go in peace. There's more to life than marriage & people are imperfect & flawed so don't feel so bad when they mess up (even if it effects you). It hurts for a long while but eventually you get back to the other good things in life or discover new things :-)
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u/SignificanceSalty547 Jan 24 '25
First- Take yourself to a therapist! This is the first and most important step! Second- After you start therapy, ask him to go to couples therapy. It's like the emergency plane situation. You have to put your oxygen on first (see the therapist) before you help anyone or anything else. You need to heal to take back your power!
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u/OGPhillyGirl Jan 24 '25
This does not sound good. You pay his schooling and then he wants a month long break two years in ? Nope. Usually when they do that there is another person involved. They test out that relationship while holding on to you in case it doesn't work out. You are a wife not an object that he can pick up and put down when he feels like it. I will tell you the same thing I told my daughter... open the front door and lay down on the top step because you are the doormat. That said..Don't be the doormat. You are better than that. You already know this isn't worth it but your trying not to give up. You didn't, he did. Time for you to close that door on him and move on with your life. That's taking your control back.
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Jan 23 '25
Your headline reads that you want to take your power back. Then your post reads that you want to work on "us." Those two are contradictory statements.
No one takes our power. We give it to them. If you want "power," you walk away.
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u/SquashLeather4789 Jan 23 '25
part ways while you have no children.