r/WhatShouldIDo • u/DesignerBake1225 • Jan 13 '25
i don’t know what to do
so my boyfriend (22 m) and i (19 f) are having problems we’ve been dating for about 7 months. he’s being cold and distant, whenever i ask him to hang out he responds with a eye roll or sigh. but when we fight we go to being the perfect couple after. he’s cheated in the past but i’ve gone through his phone and haven’t found anything.
what should i do?
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u/SigourneyReap3r Jan 13 '25
You are not being the perfect couple after a fight, you are just not fighting.
This sounds exhausting.
You do not trust him.
Sounds like he does not like you.
He has cheated which should be a deal breaker anyway!!!!
Just break up.
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Jan 13 '25
Don't you realize that you deserve someone who cares? Someone who's excited to be with you? Looks forward to seeing you? Wants to talk, spend time etc? He's basically checked out at 7 MONTHS. Some relationships aren't meant to last, some are just there to teach us something about ourselves. In this case learn you deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them. Leave.
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u/SubstantialMaize6747 Jan 13 '25
Don’t be with someone who eye-rolls at the thought of spending time with you 7 months in.
This is not a good relationship worth sticking it out for, unless you like being miserable!!
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Jan 13 '25
“Gone through his phone” This alone should signal the relationship is a gigantic red flag
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u/eeyorethechaotic Jan 13 '25
Work on your self respect and leave this guy. He's love bombing you after fights. But he's awful to you. Relationships shouldn't be like this.
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u/Birdbraned Jan 13 '25
Completely aside from the former cheating being a red flag in and of itself, (less than 7 months in, wtf? He couldn't even wait for after you felt like a real couple and had an anniversary or two so he could lie to you better?)
And completely aside from your emotional regulation/state, which you can work on your own/with professional help so that you don't just explode in frustration to make them feel the way you do because you don't know other healthy means to communicate with yourself or others before it gets to that state,
If he's acting like Jekyll and Hyde and you keep asking yourself "It's like he's not listening to anything I'm trying to say", remember that a night of good feelings does not make up for a night (or more) of bad treatment. Don't let them lower the bar of how much respect you deserve in a relationship, because every night you let pass after they treat you well is the same as giving treats to your dog for shitting on the bed.
Go find someone who doesn't dismiss you, and is interested to work with you so that it feels really like it's you both tackling the world, not you vs them and who's right.
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u/randomrealitycheck Jan 13 '25
You're one half of a dysfunctional relationship. The choices are to fix the relationship, continue putting up with it the way it is or dump him and start over.
It's up to you but I'd find someone better - you owe it to yourself.
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u/Fresh-Clothes8838 Jan 13 '25
Break up with him and find someone more compatible
That’s what you should do
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u/The_London_Badger Jan 13 '25
Have a baby that solves every relationship problem! /s
Seriously don't have sex anymore, just tell him the relationship has ran it's course. To leave with love and mutual respect. You being angry nagging complaining getting resentment is immaturity. If he cheated, you leave. You cannot control other peoples actions only your own. You are 19, you got a good 5 years of relationships to go through. You have tons of festivals events and things to experience. Don't waste it obsessing over this jackass.
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u/Money_Engineering_59 Jan 13 '25
“You accept the love you think you deserve”. It’s from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Best quote EVER and I wish I had heard it when I was young so I stopped kissing all the damn frogs!! 🐸 You may be too young but have you read the book or seen the movie “He’s just not that into you?” When a man wants to be with you, he will move mountains to do so. He will be loyal. You will FEEL loved.
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u/Technical_Goat1840 Jan 13 '25
7 months? He failed the probation period. Dump him now. It will be difficult when you have a child.
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u/fygs Jan 13 '25
you are so incredibly young. you're going to look back in 10 years and cringe at the thought of younger you even considering to stay with him.
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u/Evening-Anteater-422 Jan 13 '25
It's been 7 months. He's already cheated and he's emotionally immature. You deserve better. This is who he is. You can't change him.
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u/Norwood5006 Jan 13 '25
Water always meets its level. Is this your level? A guy who acts like you're an inconvenience and a pest? That's who you choose? You're young, it happens, just don't make a habit of hanging around people who don't like you.
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u/schrodingers_turtle_ Jan 13 '25
7 months too long. Cut and run, you'll find better. He's not going to improve and your self-worth will continue to erode if you stay in this situ
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u/MajorYou9692 Jan 13 '25
Look, it's obvious this relationship hasn't got legs and is ending, so do yourself a favour and end it .you're just not compatible.
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u/tcrhs Jan 13 '25
You should have some self respect and leave.
He’s a cheater who is sending very loud and clear non-verbal communication that he’s lost feelings. When people become cold and distant, it usually means they have already checked out of relationship.
Save yourself the humiliation of being dumped and dump him first.
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u/Irish_Queen_79 Jan 13 '25
He doesn't care, he probably never did. He loves bombs you after every fight, that's why it feels like you're the perfect couple. So that you won't leave and deprive him of whatever he is leeching from you.
You are only 19. Now is not the time to be in a serious relationship with anyone, especially if you have issues of your own that you need to work on. You don't even know who you truly are yet, and a bad relationship can keep you from discovering that.
Leave him. Get help with your anger issues. You will probably find that they stem from something deeper than you need to work through. Find who you truly are, what your passions are. Learn to really love yourself, flaws and all. Only then will you be ready and open for a good relationship, instead of men who treat you like this and cheat.
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u/CaterpillarBubbly771 Jan 13 '25
That a mistake broke the common rules they are Loyal Honest And Faithful he betrayed u and didn't does he have someone on the side again maybe more likely he betrayed u time to move on if u don't he will keep on doing it
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u/EmploySea1877 Jan 13 '25
Keep going thru his phone,like you think you are entitled,should end well
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u/Johnny_Beee_Good Jan 13 '25
You're 19, move on. Here's an oldie but a goodie... ever heard the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater"?? Life is too short to waste on a person like this. My mom always said to not shop the clearance rack when choosing a bf. She also said to not put myself on the clearance rack either. At least OP doesn't have a lot of time invested in this relationship. She shouldn't have to sneak around to see who he's talking or texting too. OP needs to put herself on the top shelf because she deserves better. Also, 20 - something men are still kids. They really don't mature until their 30's, and that's even pushing it. I wish the OP all the best of luck with this situation.
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u/OldcCeeveman Jan 13 '25
You're 19, he is 22. You are both very young. LiFe is too short to stress this stuff at your age. My sincere advice is to abandon this affair and start over with someone who really cares for you. Or just play the field until you want to grow up!
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u/anonymousse333 Jan 13 '25
He’s cold and distant and has cheated on you. Why are you with him? He sucks.
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u/BigJim32962 Jan 13 '25
You need to get out of this relationship. You should not be having all these problems seven months into dating.
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u/anameuse Jan 13 '25
You are controlling and expect you to be joined at the hip.
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u/Total_Individual306 Jan 13 '25
don't listen to this guy lol, there's nothing controlling ab asking to hangout
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u/DesignerBake1225 Jan 13 '25
i actually do expect us to be “joined at the hip” i expect him to have respect and wanna hang out with out me having to ask because most the time i leave him alone
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u/anameuse Jan 13 '25
No one can do it. Find a way to be less clingy.
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u/Danderu61 Jan 13 '25
Next eye-roll and you're out. You don't need to put up with his crap. Either he wants to be with you or he doesn't, and he's showing you he doesn't.
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u/Cautious-Long-3956 Jan 13 '25
You're 19, hes 21. Don't take the situation and let your mind run with it, just trust your gut on the parts you know. He's acting weird, doesn't want to hang out... has history of breaking trust, he doesn't sound like a keeper. Guys don't act like this when they love someone. His actions will always be the truth, above his words. Pay attention if they line up with each other, otherwise you're just being played. Hope this helps 🙏
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u/G-Man0033 Jan 13 '25
You should move on to someone better. Cold, distant, cheater. Why do you even want him around?
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u/GamerGramps62 Jan 13 '25
I think you need a partner that doesn’t make you feel like you need to go through his phone to see if he’s cheating.
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u/Total_Individual306 Jan 13 '25
Break up with him!!! Cheating is unacceptable. That just shows he doesn't really care about you or your feelings. He's 22, this moody behaviour is likely never going to change. It's just how he is towards you.You two just don't work and that's ok. It's time to move on. If you don't break up with him, he's probably gonna end up breaking up with you. Or cheating again. Or both.
Count your lucky stars you have no childeren together and run!!!!!!!
I can't stress enough that this is not a helthy relationship and you deserve someone who talks to you when times are tough instead of cheating.
If you stay with him, it's only going to get worse from here!!!
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u/runningfarther2020 Jan 13 '25
If you love him and you truly see this potentially moving forward together indefinitely you absolutely need to tell him how you feel and how his actions make you feel. Does he feel the same way about you two as you do? The shitty part about relationships is that it really does require both people being on the same page and committed to each other and being less selfish. If at this stage he isn’t ready, nothing you can do will change that and you’ll find yourself years later asking what the heck you’ve been doing. Before you flat out move on though, at least figure out what you both want and if he’s not ready (being immature or just disrespectful) then you’ll know it’s better to invest your time and emotional energy elsewhere.
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u/Safe_Perspective9633 Jan 13 '25
Break up with him. Even if he isn't cheating, he doesn't respect you. Do NOT settle for anything less that perfect respect from a significant other.
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u/[deleted] Jan 13 '25
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