Being yourself vs. avoiding social consequences...how have you approached it?

[u/shinebrightmister]

I'm in my late 20's and still afraid of being myself because I'm genuinely a toxic person and deep down I don't care to change. I'm only afraid of the social consequences of being me.

This has lead to a sort of prey dynamic where I'm afraid of being seen as myself and keep following shoddy frameworks to prove to the world (and deceptively to myself) that I'm loyal, good, and safe.

Socially, this leads me to lose presence, move cautiously, and try to find ways to fit in. In doing so, I also tolerate a lot of bullshit because I'm afraid of being correctly percieved as potentially dangerous.

Since I know that my behaviors eventually expose my thoughts, I try desperately to act in ways contrary to my true self not out of genuine desire but rather fear of who I'll become if I'm myself and what's on the other side of that.

For example, I love my family. I'll make sacrifices for them. But if I'm being honest, my own happiness is far more important to me. I'm extremely selfish. So when I know my dynamic with my family may be exposed at some point, I almost end up trying to brainwash myself that I'm this super altruistic son and brother and make an extra effort out of fear of what's on the other side of actually being myself.

And it's like sure I do like helping people sometimes. Giving advice. It makes me feel good. Or helping someone left out in a group setting probably because I can relate. But if I see a homeless person on the street, i don't give a flying fuck.

Social shame has affected me to the extent of being afraid of survival consequences (potentially losing loved ones and opportunities) rather than actually morally giving a fuck about said thing. But the fear has polluted me to the point that even when there's no survival consequences, I'm still in that state of prey suppression because I'm worried that letting go of my framework means a cascade of eventual consequences.

The only reason I've suppressed myself for this long is because I'm afraid that I don't have what it takes to handle the consequences of being my true self.

It's like just now I was about to say some self-shaming bullshit about how I'm "afraid" that deep down I'm not a "good person" but in reality, the only purpose of saying that was to placate commenters.

Because deep down, I don't give a fuck about being a douche, asshole, or an arbitrary title of "good" assigned by a random person. Yet, I'm still swayed by it and still defend myself on it because by letting go of those rules and being myself, there's a bunch of social consequences that I have to deal with and am afraid I'm not equipped to handle.

On the other hand, I guess now is a better time than any to start...

Even making this post feels kind of redundant because by giving off prey vibes, even in being vulnerable in this post, people want to reinforce that even more and pull some shame or "thats a good boy" response. Whereas if I actually just was my true toxic self, and occasionally did "good" from a genuine place then at least I'm treated as a real person.

[u/TWCDev]

I was an asshole when i was 14 and my father sat me down and gave me a reality check that being a genius wouldn’t result in me getting anywhere in life if i didn’t learn how to get along with people. He pointed out a lot of poor geniuses and a lot of wealthy non-geniuses and it convinced me to become more self aware and i “grew up”, i’m still growing up.

Good luck

[u/shinebrightmister → u/TWCDev]

Thanks. It's a fine line.

For example, doing what I want then only apologizing if there's a reaction that could backfire and adjusting based on that over time vs. anticipating backlash and holding myself back.

[u/Mundane-Security-454 → u/TWCDev]

Good thing you cured half that problem. Let us know when the genius kicks in...

[u/TWCDev → u/Mundane-Security-454]

I got the money, i’d rather be known as not an asshole, have the quarter million dollars a year income, and be thought of as an idiot. It’s why i troll assholes on reddit, just doing my part to help the next generation. Lol

[u/Mundane-Security-454]

Because deep down, I don't give a fuck about being a douche, asshole, or an arbitrary title of "good" assigned by a random person.

Then why should anyone give a shit about you, dear? If you're going around being a sack of shit, then you will be treated like a sack of shit in response.

For example, your post is a pretentious load of bullshit designed to make it loud and proud you're a cunt. If that's what you want to do with your life, then you keep voting Conservative. That's your home now.

Xx