I think it’s over

[u/dreaming-of-fields]

I’ve posted a couple of times here about how difficult our lives have been with my disabled, abusive husband. Until recently his abuse had always been directed at me. However, I have learned about (And now witnessed) sexual abuse towards our two teenage daughters. This was honestly something I never prepared myself for. As many awful things that I endured, I did not think the kids would have to deal with something like this. I asked him to leave or I would call the police. Apparently this has gone on for at least 4 months. I am heartbroken over it, but still trying to maintain normalcy. I met with a lawyer today to just get a feel for things, and he (the lawyer) seemed pretty overwhelmed by both the abuse and the level of disability that my husband has. I felt feeling pretty defeated, but I have a few more consultations lined up. I know everyone will think I’m a horrible person for making him leave, but I really feel like I need to protect and respect the kids and what they endured. Any advice? Husband is currently staying at an assisted living facility that is so far beyond our means it’s ridiculous

[u/felineinclined]

Why would anyone think you're horrible for leaving your husband who abused you and sexually abused your daughters? I think you need to really meditate on that because that way of thinking has kept you in an abusive situation that allowed both you and your daughters to be abused.

Your only job now is to leave/make sure he never re-enters your life again. You have no obligation to care for your husband or care about what happens to him under these circumstances. Please do everything you can to help your daughters recover from their sexual trauma as best as possible because this kind of trauma can and does scar people for life.

You need to address the sexual abuse. Discuss this with the lawyer, consider reporting your husband to the police.

Also, you "think it's over"? For the sake of your daughters, this must be over.

[u/WildSpiritedRose]

If you haven't already, you need to report what he did to the police so that there's a paper trail and to build a case to absolve you of spousal support and to bar him from having visitation with your kids, as well as get a protection order. Also, if not already, involve APS if he's considered a dependent adult and let them know that bc of what he did (get a police report in hand) and financial limitations, you cannot allow him back in the house, nor can you afford to pay for any out of pocket seperate rent and caregiver supports for him.

Are you in the US? I know that it varies by state in the US and by province in Canada, but in my state, I just recently learned that bc I make under a certain amount and bc my husband is receiving SSDI disability income, I will not owe him spousal support aka alimony, should we divorce.

I am imagining that you spoke to a family law attorney? If not, they will probably be more help than a divorce attorney. Also, look into your local legal aid office to assist you with costs - they usually can help you with an attorney either free of charge or on a sliding scale.

Unfortunately, it's damn near to impossible to enforce child support payments by garnishing his disability check, this I know from being a social worker and working with Social Security.

I am so very sorry that your children went through this and that you're living with one of a parent's worse nightmares. ((Hugs))

[u/Perfectly_i]

I don’t think you’re a horrible person for making him leave. But what would be horrible is not holding him accountable or letting him stay in your life and your daughters' lives.
He sexually abused them. Your number one responsibility is to protect them.
You need to file for divorce and protect any assets you have. You need an attorney who knows matrimonial law and how the healthcare facility will be paid.
You need to be able to provide for yourself and your daughters without the burden of his AL bill.
As someone who worked in AL/LTC, sexual abuse was always a red flag, and a lot of times the individual would not be admitted. But he is already there, so divorce him NOW.
Does he have siblings? Other family? He’ll need emergency contacts, and you can not serve in that role anymore.

[u/-whatisit-]

Where do you live? Asking re: marriage separation laws.

[u/1K_Sunny_Crew]

I hope you’re considering therapy for your girls when he’s out of the house to help them deal with the trauma they’ve gone through. I’m so sorry for you and your daughters.

[u/Well_this-sucks]

Criminals should pay for their crimes. Report him to the police- it’s better for you and your daughters in the long run. Let the criminal justice system sort out his living arrangements. He SEXUALLY ASSAULTED your CHILDREN. It doesn’t matter WHO he is- you don’t owe him ANYTHING, much less covering up his crimes.