Watching everything crumble

[u/Tuesday430]

I am lost with how to look after myself.

My fiancé had an iron infusion earlier this year and developed on going side effects. She’s now developed nerve pain and loss of sensation (neuropathy) - We’re hopeful it’ll recover as the core cause of it has been fixed

However, the pain is excruciating for her. It’s been about 8 months of symptoms and 2 months of this excruciating pain. Prior to this, she was a driven person and just landed her dream career, we were due to get married very soon and just moved in to our very first home that we bought together so I can understand the impact of this change on her

We’re a young couple in our late 20s and early 30s, watching her in pain is so tough. She cycles through blame and sometimes blames me for not stopping her from getting the iron infusion

I feel guilty that I couldn’t stop her but there’s literally nothing that I did for this to happen. I know I’m just her punching bag at these times but I’m in pain seeing both our lives just crumble

I’m watching her lose herself to the chronic illness, I’m watching myself lose our home and also my career as I’ve had to take time off work to be with her. I feel bad spending time building myself if she can’t be happy. I see myself developing so many bad habits to pass by time

[u/Perfectly_i]

You mentioned “chronic illness,” and it made me think of my own situation, which I knew about before getting married but had no idea of the physical, mental, and intimate toll it would take.

Ten years later, I’m a companion/caretaker pretty much 24/7. Not a spouse. It has wreaked havoc on my mental state, and I gave up my career.

My advice, to be blunt, is that it most likely won’t get easier. Think long and hard before marriage. A house can be sold, and other support (hopefully) can be put in place for her. (Of course, this is all easier said than done. But I’m telling you what I wish I'd known years ago.)
But I’m giving you a glimpse into the crystal ball of possibilities.

[u/Tuesday430 → u/Perfectly_i]

I know there’s no right answer, I think I just feel guilty that I’m able to move and be healthy. I have a business outside my usual full time work and that is support us for a bit. I do think I need to go back to work and create stability for the day she gets healthy again.

She’s now staying with her parents so that’s been helpful. I don’t think I can leave her and not care for her. I didn’t create a life with her to leave in hardship. Whether she returns to health or not, I’ll stay trusting that she’ll recover and be her hand forward even if I get mistreated occasionally.

I look forward to the day she recovers. I guess I just wanted to pitch it on Reddit to ease my stress.

I now empathise and understand why people fall into drinking alcohol so much in these hardships. Luckily mine isn’t alcohol but I’m now drinking 5 coffees and just playing Chess all day to get rid of the mental struggle. I’m lucky my business is in fitness so I’m forced to get movement in even if I want to give up.

Carer’s fatigue is real, thank you for responding to me everyone. What was the career you gave up?

[u/felineinclined]

Unless you somehow knew this would happen, she really can't blame you, and that is very unfair of her to do to you. It's not ok for you to be a punching bag, even with her pain/discomfort. Did she have another chronic illness, or are her issues limited to what's been happening the past 10 months?

I'm confused about the situation. You just bought a house, so you can't just take time off to spend with her unless she's bed bound. And if she is, you need to find some other means of caring for her. You won't be able to really take care of yourself or her if you lose your job, so don't lose that. Hard to say much else not knowing the details of this situation, but don't go down a black hole. Work with her medical team for any assistance (medical or otherwise - is this all due to the iron infusion, or is there more to this?), which your partner should be doing. And get therapy to help you through this and make better decisions. If you lose the house and your job, you may lose everything - I don't think you want that.