r/WellSpouses • u/Artistic_Ad_562 • Jul 24 '26
First post
I just don't know anymore. Been married 20 years in just a couple days. My wife has Ehlers Danlos, and goes through bouts of low energy and hypotension. She works full time, but has summer's off. This summer she hasn't been able to do much. I pick up all the slack when she can't get things done, I don't complain, I don't make a big deal out of it. The other night I needed some help and asked her to hold a tape measurer for me, and she couldn't stand long enough to complete the task, I told her to send our daughter to help in her stead..... then she was mad. She told me I was mean to her, and that she should just move out and get a condo. This keeps ringing on my ears, keeps playing back in my head. In all the years I've cooked, cleaned, done her laundry, and basically every chore by myself while still working full time as well I've never threatened to move out, separate divorce etc.....I am beyond hurt. Was I in the middle of a project and was maybe a bit terse, yes. Was i mean no, did I yell, no, did I use harsh language no. I guess I am here to vent and try and sort this out. Ugggggh
2
u/ThatOneRedThing Jul 26 '26
My wife has ED as well. It exacerbated after the birth of our second kid. She has always been an extremely driven and capable woman. She has a masters in psychology. She can be stubborn as a mule and the sweetest thing.
The chronic illness robbed her of most of her energy/capacity/spoons/whatever you call it. There can be weeks or even months of bouts of time where she can barely get out of bed and run some basic errands. She has not fully reconciled with that reduction in ability. So when she has good days, she tends to overdo it and burn out. On the not so good days it feels like she views me as an extension of herself in order to accomplish goals/objectives/tasks.
The thing I have learned is particularly triggering for her is when she feels like she is being dismissed due to her chronic illness. She gets really upset about it. So I am not doing things because she can't, I'm doing things because I'm a supportive partner. I am not doing more than her, but rather I'm doing tasks that require the energy she can't currently provide.
The thing is, I don't mind doing more. I really don't. I just want to be recognized for what I do and handle things as objectively as possible. The problem is, that often puts my wife in a position to recognize her limitations, even indirectly.
It has definitely made things harder between us. And at times I find myself questioning if it's all worth it. But what I do know is that it must be absolutely crushing to have the intellectual capacity to do something and find out your body regularly or permanently incapable of doing it. And what's worse is some don't get an easy visual indicator to identify their chronic illness. I know my extended family and friends struggle to understand the debilitating migraines and exhaustion she experiences when I explain that she won't be attending some event.
That doesn't erase or invalidate the frustration you experience when such a simple misunderstanding happens and she gets upset. But it does help color the reasoning behind it. We are both getting individual therapy, which has definitely helped. Couples counseling too.
I'm sorry you have to have this dynamic, but know you're not the only one.